A change of heart? After 10 years?

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:26 pm

So, me and the wife got back together, after our little spat back in Feb. of this year. Things went well for a while, and they're starting to slip again, this time, it's a bit wierd.

She came to me, out of the blue and said something to the effect of "Do you resent me and our daughter, for not being able to 'be Michelle' whenever you want? I think you do."

So we go back and forth, with the "Why?" questions, trying to find out where the other stands, with her finally making the "I thought I could put up with it" statement. She says a few other things along the lines of "I'm really not OK with it at all."

So...do I get defensive?

I ask "So, you don't want to be married to a freak/weirdo/deviant/whatever, right? That's what you've got an issue with?"

*silence*

"I take it, you'll be telling your brother what kind of issues you have with his wife & how you're not OK with their relationship at all?" (my pre-op MtF friend)

"Oh no, that's different!"

"So, you're OK with cd's & tg's, just as long as you don't have to be married to them?"

More to come...

Wendae · Post by **Wendae** » Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:33 pm

I hope things work out to a happy conclusion. Good luck!

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:08 pm

Michelle, do you love your wife?

Sorry to get personal, but confrontations and attacks aren't going to solve anything.

Maybe you'll make her feel guilty, but do you want her to stay with you because she feels guilty, or because she loves you?

You might be interested in one of my past posts: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... hp?p=76145

We've just celebrated our 34th anniversary. It's not easy for her, but one thing I'll never do is blame her for not coping.

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:31 pm

See, I don't want to back her into a corner, but this feels like another attempt for her to justify leaving again, only this time, the hypocrisy is about neck deep.

She says I'm like two different people, en'femme and en'drab, and that it's more than just clothing, and she's right, but I can't just say "This is a part of me, deal with it." without alienating her further.

I love her. Just being around her makes me happy, but I can't shove myself back into the closet, deny myself and what I am, because she gives me the "I can't ask you to quit because you'd blame me!" thing.

I don't care if she's not into having some kind of girl's night sleepover slumber party, I don't want to have some kind of lesbian sex fantasy with her, all I want is for her to be as happy with me as I am with her.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:40 pm

Michelle, it sounds like the both of you could use some professional help before things get worse. It sounds like your wife is really struggling and needs to talk to someone away from the situation and it would most likely help you also.

Good luck.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:54 pm

Hi Michelle--
Yes, I hope you can find outside help, of some kind. It may be just some time with her brother and his wife.

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Tue Aug 25, 2009 9:54 pm

I dunno if she's serious in her justifying it to be about my feminine side...

I just never imagined I'd be the 'other woman' that broke up my marriage.

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:05 pm

Michelle Miller wrote:I just never imagined I'd be the 'other woman' that broke up my marriage.

I doubt you will be, but she may try to use that on you.

I was briefly married to a psychopath once. After I realized she needed help far beyond what I could hope to offer, and she spent an intimate night with a friend (who was about to become a former friend), and she decided she wanted an annulment, who was I to stand in her way? Yes, she said she'd have to use that line (about crossdressing) in court (I wasn't supposed to be there as part of the pre-hearing agreement). After the considerable pain subsided, I was never so glad to have her completely out of my life.

I'm not saying your wife is nuts, nor am I saying you'll be glad it's over (if it even is over). I'm just saying that if the worst comes to pass, life goes on. Time does heal all wounds. Meeting someone new and wonderful doesn't hurt either. Just ask Virginia!

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Fri Aug 28, 2009 11:33 pm

Bernice wrote:I'm not saying your wife is nuts

That's OK. She is. I don't have much room to talk sometimes, what with all that's happened in the past few days.

Monday night, it came to a boil, and I just wanted to end it all. We had been arguing all afternoon and night, and I'd had enough. I downed enough of my seizure medication and painkillers to kill a horse, and she called the cops and the EMT's. I sat in the local hospital's ICU for almost three days, and she was right there with me, playing the loving and supportive spouse. The moment I get discharged to their psych ward, I make arrangements to do therapy with a counselor on my own terms, as that place was full of needle tracked heroin junkies and methheads, and I was about to be strip searched and hosed down like a common criminal.

I got out and made a couple of phone calls, the first to set up an appointment with the therapist, and the second, to my wife to come and pick me up..and I get this:

"I'm not comfortable with you being around me anymore." *click*

She's pulled this stuff before. Last time, it was 'I can't be with you, you're lazy, unmotivated, yada yada yada'

So I got a fire lit under me, and got motivated...I started working out, lost a lot of weight, and was doing more than my share of the marital workload.

And now this. "I can't be with you. I thought I could handle it, but it's like you're two different people. I don't know what's the real you anymore."

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:38 am

Hi, Michelle -

Glad to see that your attempt to end it all failed, and I'm sure that with self-motivation (and some therapy) you'll find yourself on the correct path once again.

It sounds like your SO is trying to control you, and someone who loves you for who you are - all parts of you - does not control you. You saw the only way out was to 'end it all', thus removing her control. Obviously, there are much better ways to eliminate the control factor, but that is something that only you can decide.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Each party brings their own strengths and weaknesses to the table (so to speak) and together they have a strong, committed, relationship.

My opinion only, but I would drop that 'bad habit' and continue to build a new life for yourself, which is what you were starting to do until recently; I believe you will be much happier in the long run. Remember, we are only given one lifetime, and it's up to you to make yours the best it can be.

You are responsible for your own happiness . . . don't deny who you are just to satisfy someone else, even though you may love that person. On the surface you'll be projecting that you're happy, but in all actuality, underneath it all will be a whole host of resentment, anger, and the like, because you aren't really happy.

Trust me, been there, done that, won't do it again . . . and now I have my soul mates, my beautiful Virginia and her handsome male alter-ego, in my life and my heart, and I am ecstatically happy.

Whatever you decide, we're here to support you.

((Hugs))

- SL

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:27 pm

I agree with SilverLady (no surprise there). I have a real problem when a good person has a self-esteem problem, and Michelle Miller, you are a good person, and you have a self-esteem problem.

There's a fancy word for people with split personalities. It can be fairly dangerous stuff, but it isn't necessarily so. In a way, most of us CDs here have a mild form of split personalities, based on the non-interchangeability of our two presentations. This is benign.

But based on your new information, it now sounds as though one of your wife's personalities is hostile and destructive. That really can be dangerous. The more you let it bother you, the more you are likely to resort to self-destructive behavior like last Monday.

Any mental problems she has are NOT YOUR FAULT, and NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Apparently one of her personalities doesn't understand the concept of unconditional love. So, now you absolutely must protect yourself. Maybe, in her own twisted way, that's why she isn't comfortable around you, because she now realizes she can drive you to commit unhealthy acts.

You're getting help, that's good. If she won't get help, then you need to get out of there, for your own sake. Leaving her (at her request no less) doesn't mean you don't love her. It just means that killing yourself isn't going to solve her problems.

Save yourself! Worry about her later.

Hugs,

Bernice

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:47 pm

And after another session of back and forth with her, she's confirmed it, that I am indeed, 'the other woman'. She says that I do it FAR too much, and that's all she ever sees me as anymore. Apparently it's not only clothing, but mannerisms and grooming as well. She made a comment about about what all I shave, and I replied "Well, how does three days of growth look under hose on YOUR legs?"

"How am I supposed to act en'femme? Have me a big ol' chew of tobacco, and sit on the front porch and whittle? Act like some kind of shaved gorilla in a dress?"

She says it's more than just clothing.

"So, let me get this straight, you're leaving me because I'm generally a nicer person to be around, and all around just a bit more pleasant whilst in a dress?"

Danielle La Belle · Post by **Danielle La Belle** » Wed Sep 02, 2009 9:39 am

Hi Mchelle:

If you have read any of my recent posts in “Revelations,” you know that I too am having a time of it…after 40 years of marriage. I read somewhere recently that instead of using the “you” in a sentence, such as you do this and you do that….try starting with “I feel…”

The psychology of this is that you immediately set things up to fall when you use “you..” at the beginning of any sentence. With the “I feel..” approach, you can reduce the impact of the statement unless you are going to call her names etc afterward.

I.E….I feel that right now we are getting no where with this argument. I feel that there is a need to talk with someone that can hear both of us out on this issue..(the issues). I feel that this will work if we give it a chance. I feel that I am in over my head with the current argument and I feel we need help.

There are those that dismiss “I feel,” on an English usage application, but when the house is on fire….who the hel….cares what you use to put it out successfully. Just get the darn fire out!

Over time, it works effectively, I am a testament to that for 40 years of marriage. My only real mistake was to drop the ball. I am working on that right now.

I feel that if one is to win an argument, it needs to be a win-win situation. Otherwise, someone is going to get left out and feel hurt. There are many collective minds here on this site that can be very supportive during times of difficulty. Experience counts in most sports programs. In this case, it is always a new game for each pair that wanders into the game room. “With just 6 degrees of separation,” there is always someone out there that has had a similar experience. We all roll the dice each time we endeavor to play the game.

I feel you can make this work when you “both” decide that this is what you want out of life. “Helen Boyd,” in her first book, “My Husband Betty,” made some very serious observations about the “wife” in the relationship and how she might feel. I have re-read that book 3 times to get a better feel for my spouse’s point of view. I learned that it is “not all about me.” Sharing and caring are integral partners. Husband and wife need to be the same. No judgment....just observation.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

“On the verge of Divorce after 40 years of Marriage”…Never give up! That is the positive polar opposite from “never give in!”

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Wed Sep 02, 2009 10:56 am

I got in to see my therapist yesterday, and he brought up a point, concerning her infidelity, and how see might see it, in that she sees my feminine side as something to compete with, as if I'm having an affair with it, on some level. I dunno how that fits in, in the grand scheme of things, I'll have to see about it, on the 8th, when I go back.

I know now, after another talk with the wife that there's no reconciliation for this one, no matter what I do, she's not coming back.

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:53 am

Hooboy, here's the kicker, the icing on the cake, the whole enchilada..ok, I'm out of euphemisms for 'over the top' hypocrisy...

The soon-to-be ex wife stopped by last night, said she needed to pick up some things, as I understand it, an acquaintance of hers that she went to school with died in a car accident, and she was going to his wake.

She heads straight for the closet in our bedroom, grabs a couple things, and goes into the bathroom. She comes out, semi-made up and in one of my long black skirts and a semi-dressy top as well.

So I ask her.."You've got so much of an issue with me, that you can't stay because of my wardrobe, but you've got the nerve to walk back in here and start grabbing MY clothes like you own them, thinking I'd act like some kind of girlfriend of yours, gushing over sharing clothes? Get the (expletive deleted) out of my (expletive deleted)ing skirt & blouse & get lost."