So alone

[Danielle S]

I've been CDing for years, since I was around 12. Been through the usual cycles, but for the last 5 years I've been accumulating a bit of a wardrobe, enough so that it's getting to be a bit of a problem hiding it all from my SO. Yes, my SO does not know and for the forseeable future I'd like to keep it that way. I've also been traveling a lot in the last couple of years, so I get to shop a lot where I won't run into anyone I know and I get to spend time in my hotel rooms dressed. As a matter of fact, I'm in a hotel now, wearing my new breast forms, girdle, black sheath dress, and heels, and loving it.

So far, so good, right? Not so much. Lately it has just struck me that as much as I kind of automatically welcome time alone, either at home to dress or on the road to shop and dress, I am sometimes feeling very alone in a negative way. It's not that I want to come out as a CD'er (I know, that's a topic for many other posts...), but sitting alone in my room even in a pretty dress isn't always feelng so good. These days when I shop, especially in CD-friendly places, I just want to talk to the SA, get her ideas, help, etc. , maybe even her approval. Last week driving through a toll booth while under-dressed, I had the urge to shout "I'm wearing panties!!"

There are a million reasons why I can't come out and probably half a million reasons why I can't join a support group near me, but other than participate in this community, I can't think what to do at this point.

Any suggestions?

[DonnaT]

Have you looked into seeing if there are support groups in the places you travel to?

[Erica S]

Danielle,

I too am still in hiding and know what you are saying. I can not wait till I can dress in my feminine attire and love to do it. Why do you feel alone when you dress? Is it you are not telling anyone you do? I know having a friend to confide in would help your situation. Think of us girls here as your friends to talk to and maybe that will ease your situation at home. It would be easy to say to just confide in your SO, but as I can not do that myself I would never tell you to do something I would not do. That step has to be taken slowly to ease the whole idea on to your SO. I know you have many reason not to tell anyone right now, same as I do. maybe your can try and not purchase more feminine things for lack of storage and just have fun with what you have right now. Be glad that you are able to do what you want to now and enjoy those times. If you need to talk about it we are here, remember that and hopefully that will help. Don't dispair, I hope all will work out for you!!

Erica

[Absaroka]

I'm mostly secret. I dress alot because I work at home alone. I made a decision a while ago that if I got caught I'd just be honest about it but I've had fun not getting caught.

I relate to the aloneness. It takes up a lot of space in my head, and with the very few people I do talk with this about Ilike to talk a lot. And you can see how much I post here.

CDing was probably one of the things that led me to be fairly isolated. But there are other reasons for that, being shy a big one. I've learned that the two are different issues. There's nothing wrong with CDing. For me however too much isolation is a bad thing. I sometimes have to make a conscious effort to reduce my isolation. Of course I do this in male mode. You might want to think about how to reduce your isolation at times that you aren't dressing.

Zari

[Wendae]

There are a million reasons why I can't come out and probably half a million reasons why I can't join a support group near me, but other than participate in this community

I'm in the same boat. The isolation sucks!

[Pernille D]

i too have felt very alone , i have been CDing since i was 10 and keeping it to myself so long has been hard ,i am married and have been living with my SO for 20 years and yes it does make you lonely. i made the mistake of hideing which makes things harder .

but what i must say is
i have been through a lot and been mixed up beond belief . i felt so alone in a world with no one to talk too . Then i found this forum and that turned me around . i found out i was not alone and at last there where people i could talk too and understood what CDing is all about . i have learnt so much by reading the threads and i have come more at ease with who i am.

i know It is hard to feel alone but use this forum and as said before we are all your friends. i feel tons better after being able to chat here .and has made a big difference to all those negative toughts i used to have .

[Virginia]

How can I be delicate about this???

Guess I can't.

We have one shot at this "trip around the sun!" We ( that person that looks back at you when you look in the mirror) are responsible for how we live and accept "our lot in life!"

We can choose to live it in fear, being miserable all the time, hiding in the proverbial closet or "hiding in motel rooms," constantly worrying if someone will find our "stash" yet not being able to control the desire to shop and buy and wear all the pretty things we find.

Or we can choose to "let the woman out!" We each have to make that decision and if you chose to take the first approach, scared that you will come home sometime and meet your SO waving one of your "unmentionables" in your face and asking you who it belongs to, well, honey that is the path you have chosen - deal with it!!!!!!!

We can offer some suggestions, like the one above to seek out support groups in areas that you travel to - we are all nice folk where ever we seem to be and we seem to be everywhere. Beyond that, well "the ball is in your court," as to how you live your life.

Please don't tell me "well, you don't understand!" Fact is I do and I live the "been there done that!" There is actually nothing wrong with living in the closet if that is your choice and you understand that you're going to spend your life in misery, complaining or bitching.

No one will ever convince me that this is not a gift. Some of us chose to unwrap it and share it with the world and others just look at the pretty package, shake it and wonder what's in the box!?

I won't say I am sorry for being a bit blunt, but you're either in the game or you're a cheerleader in the closet wishing you could play.

I only hope the path you have chosen meets your needs.

Virginia

[April Rose]

Gift or not, the nature of cross dressing and the need for discretion makes it a lonely pursuit for most, I think. I think support groups are a great idea. I admit, though, that I myself have not joined one.

In consideration of my wife's anxiety, I promised I wouldn't take my cd'ng out of the house without clearing it with her first. I also told her that she was free to talk about it with anyone; her therapist, her sister, her friends, anyone. She finally did share it with her therapist, but only this past month.

I'm an introverted person, and tend to prefer solitary pursuits; bicycling, motorcycling,drawing,sewing, etc. so I don't really feel lonely most of the time. But I'm really grateful to this forum for being here when I need it.

[Sally]

Hello Danielle,

Living any part of our lives in isolation can eventually have a detrimental effect on us, and being who we are, when we make a conscious decision to ‘live locked in the closet’ to avoid the societal stigma, the prejudices and all the concerns which come with being us, there comes a time I believe where we have to persue broader boundaries, or the frustrations build to where ‘the dam can burst’.
It happened to me and I’ve seen it happens many times over to others.

I can well understand those urges to shout out loud, to want to make conversation and especially to seek approval for who we are and what we need to do. I get the feeling that your time has come when you need to really make some conscious quality decisions for the future, to sort out what it is which you really want to achieve, and if you do this, then that’s the first step to exploring the various options available to you in your circumstances which will allow you to expand your horizons, but the first step is knowing in your own mind what it is that you really want and need to achieve. It’s obvious that you’ve reached the stage where just sitting around by yourself all dressed up and with nowhere to go or anyone to talk to has reached its’ use by date, and for your quality of life I believe your time has come where you need to move on a step or two, and only you can make this decision. There’s plenty of assistance available out there, but only you can make that first step.

There comes a time in our lives where the doubts persist, but we still have to take that first small step. Crying alone never solves anything, it’s always more healing to share and cry with someone, and I’ve always found it unhelpful to compare my life with others because we have no idea what their journey is all about. We’re all in charge of our own happiness, time heals everything and where do you want to be in five years time? Still sitting in a room in your lovely dress by yourself? Life doesn’t come in a gilded box with a big colourful bow I know that, but life itself is still a gift and I know at times it isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

Myself, I’m not one who believes being a TG person is a gift, but it’s who I am and how I was made by nature, it’s normal for me and none of us had any say in it and it's like chocolate, resistence is futile. I came to the belief that what other people think of me is none of my business, and I know that if I threw all my problems into a huge pile and saw everyone else’s problems, I’d want mine back for sure.

I found many years ago that my life started to turn around when I sat down face to face with a few like people and talked openly about myself, and listening to other people’s similar life stories was like the bursting of the dam wall as realization struck me that I wasn’t unique at all, and there was a life ahead which could be moulded into something wonderful, and that’s where I’m at today, but first I had to decide what it was exactly that I wanted to achieve, then working out the easiest and best way to achieve it having regard to all my circumstances and the people around me who mattered.

Sometimes problems arise in our lives which we can’t tend to alone, but that’s just a part of life, and the phrase which the cleric John DONN wrote way back in the Medeavel times still applies today, “ No Man Is An Island’. What he was saying all those hundreds of years ago was that we were never meant to live alone, to live in isolation, envy is just a waste of time and effort, we already have what we need within ourselves, it’s just a matter of sharing and releasing it, life is far too short to waste any of it, and whatever happens today, the best is yet to come.

I wish you well, and always remember that you’re indeed never alone, most of us have been where you are at sometime, and we came through it into the sunshine, but we needed help to ‘walk through the door’, and that help is always available at any time, one only needs to put their hand up.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Danielle S]

Thanks to most of you for your kind words and thoughts; I really appreciate them. I had hoped and expected this kind of support from this group. I know there's many of us out there in similar circumstances and it helps to hear that. I should participate here more often.

To Virginia - Sorry, but I'm not miserable, just making an observation about how I feel sometimes. I'm glad you're so advanced, but if the best you can offer is "stop complaining and deal with it" then I'd just as soon not hear from you at all.

Danielle S

[Absaroka]

Danielle maybe I shouldn't speak for Virginia, but in my experience she is very caring. Stop complaining and deal with it is just another way of offering encouragement, and she's got a lot of truth in her words.

I personally have taken a very different turn from Virginia. Where she is out, I am way in the back of the closet and plan to stay there. It's whats right for her and what's right for me and they are two different things.

Although we are on a continuum here, there are a couple of basic themes. Some of the members here are transgendered to varying degrees. Some have gone the route of SRS and feel they really are mostly women, others feel the same way but don't want surgery. For these people the key is that they must express a female aspect of themselves and that often this doesn't happen in a vacuum, they relate to the world as women. For them to stay in isolation would be a very grave matter.

Then there are those, who for want of a better word I will describe as having a hobby. Often this is a sexual hobby but as we get older it seems to lose some of the sexual connotation. Many will just call it a fetish which is another word that is not always comfortable. For us CDing is a more private matter. For me I dress as a woman precisely because it is what I am not. For me it is a very heterosexual male thing.

Where I am with this is that CDing is a form of play for me. Just as sex is a form of play, hiking is a form of play, tending the garden is a form of play. BTW walking in the woods and weeding the garden are two of my favorite things to do while dressed. For others going to a club and dancing is a form of play-many feel you can dance differently when presenting as a woman than as a man. Here's another context. My sister goes to Ren Faires and Star Trek conventions and loves to dress the part. When she dresses as a medivial wench, she's crossdressing without crossing gender lines. However when I like to dress in my female persona I cross a lot of cultural taboos, so I keep it private. It's just easier that way, even though I look forward to Halloween and being out for a day all year. If I had to ascribe a negative concept to my crossdressing it would have nothing to do with being a feminine male, but would have everything to do with being childish. Which is when most of us began this, for varying reasons. But WTF, today I am feeling good about myself so I think of it as a youthful playfulness that I am greatful not to have lost. Mary Martin as Peter Pan anyone?

There's another aspect to this. My female persona is sort of my imaginary friend.

I don't know where you are on this continuum. But I can say a couple of things you may relate to.

Every year or so my wife goes away for the week and takes the kids with her to visit her folks. Working alone all day at home I can dress to my hearts content. And there comes a time when I have to put on my male clothes and go out in the world, see friends and so on. Being alone with my clothes needs to have a finite timeline. They are after all just clothes.

I'd love to be more open with my wife. I don't like keeping secrets from her. She knows some but not all and we don't discuss it much. It has created a gap between us, but I often think telling her would widen the gap. I did make a decision years ago that if I got caught, if someone tried to black mail me or something, I'd just tell all. But I haven't, and I have to admit that the secrecy, FOR ME, is part of the thrill.

There are 2 people in f2f life who know all about this. They both know both me and my wife. They've both agreed that it's probably best if I don't volunteer more about this to her.

What these forums have helped me with is self acceptance. It's good to know I'm not alone, not the only one, although truth be told there is an awful lot here I can't relate to. Which is well and good, there are no doubt plenty of folks here who can't relate to me and that I think is one of the strengths of these forums, it's diversity.

Hope this helps. Complain all you want, but we are here to deal with all this stuff. I hope we hear more from you.

[Rony]

Absaroka
Very well put and I believe you are right, Virginia is a very caring person. I've read her post over the last couple of years, and they are caring and concerned.
Myself, dressing a stress relieve, and I'm my best friend when I'm on travel and away from home. My SO is a caring and accepting person of all walks of life, knows I wear panties 24/7, but does not want to know or discuss any other things I want to do or wear.
In my work I could not come out even if I wanted. We all have our crosses to bear.
This forum is a sounding board for all the varied CD/TS levels.
I would hope that all would continue to post accepting both pro/con replies, voicing problems and concerns always helps.

Rony

[Wendae]

And....many of us have no one we can complain to. This is a great place for commiseration. I got no where else to bitch

[April Rose]

Danielle, have you thought about expressing your femininity in other ways that your wife might find less threatening? Cooking, sewing, decorating your home, these are all ways of getting in touch with your non-stereotypical self without necessarily outing yourself.

[MsJoann]

I've been down that same road, as most of have travelled. I think alot of it is on how far you are willing to take it.
There are support groups in many locations which not only provide a safe haven to socialize with others, but most plan outings. Usually they will also provide a room for your dressing needs.
I have recently attended my first meeting and was completely fascinated by the comraderie. I dressed at home, then drove to the meeting.
As of now, my level has gotten to a point where I need to be careful. Yes, I wear women's clothing daily but no skirts or dresses or anything that looks too feminine. However, I still get stares (very few) from women. I just got a double-take from a woman at CVS this morning. Example...I wore salmon/white striped v-neck tee, denim shorts and white canvas sneakers...with that and my long hair pulled back....and bracelets & necklaces...that was enough to set off just that one woman's gawk. The other dozen in the store didn't bat an eye.
All I'm offering is that you can still dress up to your own comfort level in public, depending on whatever that level is. Test the waters... it took me a couple years of "climbing the ladder" so to speak.
For me, anyway, this offers me my own safe way to express my feminine side and not be outrageously gawked at as a man in a dress without makeup.
Hope this helps.