Came home and all my clothes are gone
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
Came home and all my clothes are gone
Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
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Michelle Miller
- Miss Golden Goddess
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- Location: Bristol, Virginia
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Kimberly Kael
- Miss Golden Goddess
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- Location: San Francisco Bay Area
I'm so sorry to hear that, Wendy. It's obviously not the direction you were hoping for and I know it's a low point for you. It is also an opportunity to discuss the situation if you can avoid the temptation to hurt her back along the lines of Michelle's joking suggestion, which I think would be a mistake. Instead you need to find a way to help her understand how it made you feel, if you can.
For now, though, I hope it's helpful to know that there are many here who can sympathize with your situation. Sorry about your loss, and the setback it represents.
For now, though, I hope it's helpful to know that there are many here who can sympathize with your situation. Sorry about your loss, and the setback it represents.
~ Kimberly
“To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
“To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
i dont have thoughts of hurting her back fo she did but I do feel very depressed and empty inside I dont know if telling her would do any good. Ssuch a bad temper and I think it would just get her flared up. Even though she tells me she loves me I dont feel loved. I feel that so many other options could of been used before she did this to me, especially since she does understand my situation. I really dont know whats going to happen
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
came home and all my clothes are gone
Hello Wendy,
What was it that brought it all to a head where your wife took the sudden drastic action she did? If, as you say, she’s known about your CDing for two years, and she’s obviously been ok with it up to a point, then something must have happened for her to put the clamps on it altogether. Maybe if it’s not just what you’ve been doing, then maybe she’s spoken to someone else and taken their advice, who knows, but it seems like a case of the need for a sit down and some deep soul searching and exchange of what your needs are and what your wife really can or cannot accept, if this doesn’t occur then something will give way eventually, either with yourself or your wife. She says she still loves you, well if that’s the case and you feel the same way, then you both need to find common ground acceptable to you both.
It’s always difficult to comment and give encouragement where problems arise in a marriage because every couple is unique to their own situation and the intricate details, and that’s how it should be, but what I can say is that your situation is common amongst us and it really all gets back to what each person wants and needs, what they can do without and what they can’t, what it is exactly that they wish to achieve and what they’re prepared to give up to achieve it. I’m afraid that in a lot of these situations there’s always going to be someone who is going to have to make sacrifices to keep the union harmonious as possible, difficult as those sacrifices may be, and who makes those sacrifices and to what extent is something which can only be worked out between you both, either on your own or you both seek professional advice and assistance.
I realize I’m repeating myself over and over saying this, but you are the lead person in this case. You’re the one who has something in your life which you can’t do without but it’s not acceptable to your wife, and she really has a case if you went into the marriage knowing what your needs were, but failed to tell her and allow her to make her choice.
It gets back to what it is that you really wish to achieve with your TG life and where you want to go with it. No doubt you’re aware that in most cases it’s a case of much will want more. It’s a natural progression in most of us that what we’re satisfied with today will not necessary keep the peace tomorrow. In most cases, including mine, it’s something which we unfortunately have little control over, and in a lot of cases the more we try to suppress and control the urges and desires, then the more it reflects in our demeanor and how we act and react towards others in our day to day lives.
There are a lot of people who I’ve seen over the years who have been in similar frustrating situations such as yourself and they’ve reached a point in their lives which we may say was ‘the turning point’, some turned out for the better some for the worse, and I believe we each hold the quality of our future in our own hands. I’m not going to suggest it’s easy because I know from experience it isn’t, but I’ll say again, where you go with it depends on the willingness of you both to make sacrifices and if common ground cannot be found then you probably have harder choices to make.
I know the future can always hold fears for us, but out of fear courage is born, and for us courage is something we need bucket loads of.
Amongst many others, a person I’m proud to know and call ‘friend’ is one of our own on this forum, Nicole Pearce. I first ‘met’ Nicole a couple of years ago and through this forum we built a friendship, and I can say back then that Nicole had many struggles going on inside her, but over the last couple of years she had the courage to make her decision of what she wanted to achieve and she went after it and her strength grew and grew as she overcame her guilt and fears, and today she’s well on her way to the happy and harmonious life she desired. Maybe you can gain something from her courage and experiences if you Google her by putting in Nicole KINTZ and read her story.
Sometimes we just need another person or persons to help point us in the right direction and to act as a prop along the journey until we can support ourselves. Maybe you need to more define in your own head where your path is, and then explore more deeply the possibilities. How long can you go on with your situation as it currently is? Not everyone needs to further their TG lives, but many do. You’re unique to your personal situation so you need to be honest with yourself about your future.
I wish you well and hope you can resolve your situation with the best outcome for all involved. It’s never easy we know, but really we’re usually our own worst judge if we feel we’ve violated ‘the rule’ about being ‘good’, and the typical reaction is to punish ourselves and then go on hiding our actions from others, but this never solves the situation and usually results in guilt trips and shame, which can lead to depression. There is no reason for guilt, what we do is what we do, we need to be responsible for our own actions, and really, any person does what they do because it consciously or sub-consciously at the time is the best thing they can think of at the time. Sometimes it turns out ok, sometimes it doesn’t, but regardless of how it turns out there never should be the need to make anyone, including ourselves, totally wrong.
Fixed ideas never work in all circumstances, but unfortunately some people’s ideas are set in stone and nothing, we, or anyone else says or does, will ever change them.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
What was it that brought it all to a head where your wife took the sudden drastic action she did? If, as you say, she’s known about your CDing for two years, and she’s obviously been ok with it up to a point, then something must have happened for her to put the clamps on it altogether. Maybe if it’s not just what you’ve been doing, then maybe she’s spoken to someone else and taken their advice, who knows, but it seems like a case of the need for a sit down and some deep soul searching and exchange of what your needs are and what your wife really can or cannot accept, if this doesn’t occur then something will give way eventually, either with yourself or your wife. She says she still loves you, well if that’s the case and you feel the same way, then you both need to find common ground acceptable to you both.
It’s always difficult to comment and give encouragement where problems arise in a marriage because every couple is unique to their own situation and the intricate details, and that’s how it should be, but what I can say is that your situation is common amongst us and it really all gets back to what each person wants and needs, what they can do without and what they can’t, what it is exactly that they wish to achieve and what they’re prepared to give up to achieve it. I’m afraid that in a lot of these situations there’s always going to be someone who is going to have to make sacrifices to keep the union harmonious as possible, difficult as those sacrifices may be, and who makes those sacrifices and to what extent is something which can only be worked out between you both, either on your own or you both seek professional advice and assistance.
I realize I’m repeating myself over and over saying this, but you are the lead person in this case. You’re the one who has something in your life which you can’t do without but it’s not acceptable to your wife, and she really has a case if you went into the marriage knowing what your needs were, but failed to tell her and allow her to make her choice.
It gets back to what it is that you really wish to achieve with your TG life and where you want to go with it. No doubt you’re aware that in most cases it’s a case of much will want more. It’s a natural progression in most of us that what we’re satisfied with today will not necessary keep the peace tomorrow. In most cases, including mine, it’s something which we unfortunately have little control over, and in a lot of cases the more we try to suppress and control the urges and desires, then the more it reflects in our demeanor and how we act and react towards others in our day to day lives.
There are a lot of people who I’ve seen over the years who have been in similar frustrating situations such as yourself and they’ve reached a point in their lives which we may say was ‘the turning point’, some turned out for the better some for the worse, and I believe we each hold the quality of our future in our own hands. I’m not going to suggest it’s easy because I know from experience it isn’t, but I’ll say again, where you go with it depends on the willingness of you both to make sacrifices and if common ground cannot be found then you probably have harder choices to make.
I know the future can always hold fears for us, but out of fear courage is born, and for us courage is something we need bucket loads of.
Amongst many others, a person I’m proud to know and call ‘friend’ is one of our own on this forum, Nicole Pearce. I first ‘met’ Nicole a couple of years ago and through this forum we built a friendship, and I can say back then that Nicole had many struggles going on inside her, but over the last couple of years she had the courage to make her decision of what she wanted to achieve and she went after it and her strength grew and grew as she overcame her guilt and fears, and today she’s well on her way to the happy and harmonious life she desired. Maybe you can gain something from her courage and experiences if you Google her by putting in Nicole KINTZ and read her story.
Sometimes we just need another person or persons to help point us in the right direction and to act as a prop along the journey until we can support ourselves. Maybe you need to more define in your own head where your path is, and then explore more deeply the possibilities. How long can you go on with your situation as it currently is? Not everyone needs to further their TG lives, but many do. You’re unique to your personal situation so you need to be honest with yourself about your future.
I wish you well and hope you can resolve your situation with the best outcome for all involved. It’s never easy we know, but really we’re usually our own worst judge if we feel we’ve violated ‘the rule’ about being ‘good’, and the typical reaction is to punish ourselves and then go on hiding our actions from others, but this never solves the situation and usually results in guilt trips and shame, which can lead to depression. There is no reason for guilt, what we do is what we do, we need to be responsible for our own actions, and really, any person does what they do because it consciously or sub-consciously at the time is the best thing they can think of at the time. Sometimes it turns out ok, sometimes it doesn’t, but regardless of how it turns out there never should be the need to make anyone, including ourselves, totally wrong.
Fixed ideas never work in all circumstances, but unfortunately some people’s ideas are set in stone and nothing, we, or anyone else says or does, will ever change them.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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WendyC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 29
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:14 pm
- Location: Western NY
Thanks Sally
Thanks for the insight Sally. She does have a girlfriend that is not supportive of CD's in general, I know that shes in contact with her almost each day. I dont want to assume anything but I wouldnt be surprised if she was influencing her in some way. Even though Im depressed and sad I do want to keep my marriage. If love has truly diminished I dont know how much pretending the two of us can do.
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Erica S
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 599
- Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 7:13 am
- Location: Sparks, NV
Wendy,
I am very sorry also to hear your have lost so much. Keep your chin up maybe things will turn around for you for the good of Wendy. I live with the fact my wife does not want me to CD at all. So I hope that does not happen to me some day. I hear the same thing from my wife too that she loves me but will not accept the CDing. I am not sure why, I do not wish to date men or do anything off the wall along those lines. I just wish to express who I am that was kept locked away for so many years by society's sterotypes. I wish you the best in getting this straightened out. Please keep us informed of what is going on...
Erica
I am very sorry also to hear your have lost so much. Keep your chin up maybe things will turn around for you for the good of Wendy. I live with the fact my wife does not want me to CD at all. So I hope that does not happen to me some day. I hear the same thing from my wife too that she loves me but will not accept the CDing. I am not sure why, I do not wish to date men or do anything off the wall along those lines. I just wish to express who I am that was kept locked away for so many years by society's sterotypes. I wish you the best in getting this straightened out. Please keep us informed of what is going on...
Erica
If the woman inside of you needs to be free, let it happen, and you can soar.
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Michelle Miller
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 556
- Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:34 pm
- Location: Bristol, Virginia
- Contact:
Yeah, what Kim said...Kimberly Kael wrote:I'm so sorry to hear that, Wendy. It's obviously not the direction you were hoping for and I know it's a low point for you. It is also an opportunity to discuss the situation if you can avoid the temptation to hurt her back along the lines of Michelle's joking suggestion, which I think would be a mistake. Instead you need to find a way to help her understand how it made you feel, if you can.
For now, though, I hope it's helpful to know that there are many here who can sympathize with your situation. Sorry about your loss, and the setback it represents.
Look on the bright side, you have an excuse to go shopping now...a LOT.
-Michelle-
"Inside me, there's a thin girl, screaming to get out, but cookies & ice cream usually shut her right up."
"Inside me, there's a thin girl, screaming to get out, but cookies & ice cream usually shut her right up."
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Wendy -
Sorry to hear about what happened, but do take Sally's post to heart; there's a lot of truth and sound common sense in her post.
Think about, and decide, what you need in your life, what you want in your life, and what you can do without in your life. Decide exactly what Wendy means to you, and if you can live in your situation.
Obviously, you and the wife need to sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart conversation about all of this, and her recent actions. Counseling may be an option, but both parties have to want it and be willing to accept it or the counseling will be futile.
In re: Donna's comment about the gun safe, that's not a safe bet (pardon the pun). If your wife really wanted to, then she could have a locksmith come in and drill out the lock or whatever it is they do to open them up without the key or combination, and then you're back to square one again.
Better yet, if you really need to start rebuilding your wardrobe, wigs, makeup, and the like, then I would suggest renting a storage site in your name, have the billing statements go to a rental mail box (private enterprise, not USPS), and do NOT let anyone know that you have taken these actions.
Good luck and keep us informed!
- SL
Sorry to hear about what happened, but do take Sally's post to heart; there's a lot of truth and sound common sense in her post.
Think about, and decide, what you need in your life, what you want in your life, and what you can do without in your life. Decide exactly what Wendy means to you, and if you can live in your situation.
Obviously, you and the wife need to sit down and have a serious heart-to-heart conversation about all of this, and her recent actions. Counseling may be an option, but both parties have to want it and be willing to accept it or the counseling will be futile.
In re: Donna's comment about the gun safe, that's not a safe bet (pardon the pun). If your wife really wanted to, then she could have a locksmith come in and drill out the lock or whatever it is they do to open them up without the key or combination, and then you're back to square one again.
Better yet, if you really need to start rebuilding your wardrobe, wigs, makeup, and the like, then I would suggest renting a storage site in your name, have the billing statements go to a rental mail box (private enterprise, not USPS), and do NOT let anyone know that you have taken these actions.
Good luck and keep us informed!
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Merinda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 959
- Joined: Fri May 28, 2004 11:07 pm
- Location: Melbourne Australia
I'm with you MichelleMichelle Miller wrote:Throw out every pair of pants she owns.
, at the very least I would be making the threat.Unfortunately I didn't think of this form of retrobution when a similar event happened to me.
In my case the clothing and wig were placed in garbage bags at the bedroom door , my wife ordered me to get rid of them , so I did , I dumped them under our house in a tud and locked the door.
I was asked if I had got rid of them and my reply was "NO! they're packed away so stiff s#@t", then to my suprise she was glad to hear this and she gave me an appology , I believe she looked up a few websites and educated herself.
Wendy C
The only thing I could suggest is to try and get your wife to do the same research , if she refuses , tell her that she needs to do so if she ever wants to understand why you do what you do.
Merinda
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Wendy,
I am sorry that this has happened to you. It's obvious your wife thinks that she can stop you from dressing and you seem to agree that she can. I don't understand why you permit her to throw away your things and you simply accept it, as if it's justified? You are not her child. She doesn't have say so over what you can own, yet you are letting her treat you this way, and accept it.
I don't see any point in retribution or throwing her things away. That is equally wrong and two wrongs doesn't make a "right". If she doesn't want you to dress in front of her or she doesn't want to see it, that is one thing. However, she does not control your life or what you do. You are not her child. You should repurchase all of your things and let her know that you are. And that if she throws them away again, you will repurchase them again. That she is just throwing away good money.
Listen, you are not a bad person. You have not done anything wrong and you don't deserve to be treated like a child being scolded. You need to have some backbone here. She is way out of line. You don't need to feel bad because of this. As crossdressers we are trained to feel guilt and responsibility for others discomfort with our dressing, but it's not our fault. We can't change what we are any more than they can.
If she can't find a way to deal with this, you will end up either completely subservient to her and continue to live in shame hiding who you are, or you will end up apart. I know this is terribly difficult to face, but I have faced it. I tried to pretend I could live without it, but it just made me a liar and made me hate myself more.
Now is not the time to curl up and accept whatever she does no matter how outrageous. It's time to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that she does not control you as a person or what you do. That throwing away your clothes was an act of futility on her part and that acting on her own will not solve the problem or make it go away.
Good luck, this is a very tough situation.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I am sorry that this has happened to you. It's obvious your wife thinks that she can stop you from dressing and you seem to agree that she can. I don't understand why you permit her to throw away your things and you simply accept it, as if it's justified? You are not her child. She doesn't have say so over what you can own, yet you are letting her treat you this way, and accept it.
I don't see any point in retribution or throwing her things away. That is equally wrong and two wrongs doesn't make a "right". If she doesn't want you to dress in front of her or she doesn't want to see it, that is one thing. However, she does not control your life or what you do. You are not her child. You should repurchase all of your things and let her know that you are. And that if she throws them away again, you will repurchase them again. That she is just throwing away good money.
Listen, you are not a bad person. You have not done anything wrong and you don't deserve to be treated like a child being scolded. You need to have some backbone here. She is way out of line. You don't need to feel bad because of this. As crossdressers we are trained to feel guilt and responsibility for others discomfort with our dressing, but it's not our fault. We can't change what we are any more than they can.
If she can't find a way to deal with this, you will end up either completely subservient to her and continue to live in shame hiding who you are, or you will end up apart. I know this is terribly difficult to face, but I have faced it. I tried to pretend I could live without it, but it just made me a liar and made me hate myself more.
Now is not the time to curl up and accept whatever she does no matter how outrageous. It's time to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and that she does not control you as a person or what you do. That throwing away your clothes was an act of futility on her part and that acting on her own will not solve the problem or make it go away.
Good luck, this is a very tough situation.
Love always,
Elizabeth