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Hi Everyone

I joined this group some weeks ago and read your comments and posts with a lot of interest. You express many enlightening points. But I still wonder why I love to dress femininely.

I keep asking myself this and sometimes I find some sort of an answer but at other times I think I am simply mad.

I do know that I feel so very comfortable in female cloths, and often, if not almost always, I don't at all feel sexually aroused, especially when fully dressed. So I don't think it is for purely sexual reasons, though I think I started dressing in lingerie for sexual reasons when I was much younger.

I mentioned fully dressed in which I mean female clothing but so far not make up or wig. As I write this I am dressed in briefs, black holdups, a black skirt and burgundy satin blouse and some borrowed slip on shoes (2 sizes too small).

I feel great and wish I could be "my female self" more often, but look a mess especially from the chest up! - I need a makeover

Since reading about your experiences and views I now realise I am not alone in my thoughts. I think I now understand why I have never in the past or currently interact with males as other males do. I have always felt more comfortable in female company.

I don't do male, sporting or "masculine" things. I am, however, into cars and keen on mechanical/technology etc. I love the look and the character women and have sexual desires for women, but I don't think I "perform" in a male way with women.

So I am mixed up all over as you see. But I guess we are all a mixture of emotions and feelings.

I started this post with a plan in mind as to how I was going to explain my feelings. Somehow I have got lost during the process. I will try and gather my thoughts together for any replies there might be to my post.

Thanks for your time reading this.

Jamie H wrote:Hi Everyone

I joined this group some weeks ago and read your comments and posts with a lot of interest. You express many enlightening points. But I still wonder why I love to dress femininely.

Umm, maybe because you are transgendered, like many of us? Dual gendered or bi-gendered may be better terminology, but you go with what label is available.

The female part of our gender grew up noting, even if subconsciously, the differences between what boys/men and girls/women wore. That same female part was awakened or grew strong enough to want to express itself. That expression was in fem attire.

Probably.

Hi all,

First, let me welcome you to the forum if I haven't already done so, Jamie.

In response to your post, I have not much to say except to point out that that is the $64,000 question, isn't it? The whys and wherefores of transgender needs have been the subject of much debate here. Likely, they'll be the subject of debate for some time to come... both amongst ourselves and amongst those who get paid to figure out these things.

But let me ask you this:

Why is the sky blue instead of red or green?

Why does a rose smell the way it does?

Why are no two snowflakes alike?

There are, obviously, sound, scientific answers to these questions. Rational explanations for how the world is and why the things in it behave in a certain way aren't too hard to come by; with patience and curiosity (and available funding), we get to discover--literally, to lift the veil from--the world.

Having said this, knowing what those explanations or answers are adds nothing to the rich sensual pleasure we get from the world. Nor does such knowledge subtract from that pleasure.

It's not required for us to know why we are the way we are in order to enjoy who we are. Even a passing familiarity with history, mythology, psychology, biology, anthropology, and the study of human sexuality can be enough to make us realize that the nature of human beings (and of human doings) are like the purest quicksilver; hard to pin down.

Virginia would no doubt put it more succinctly: don't worry too much about the nature of the beast... just enjoy your trip around the sun. Your Magical Mystery Tour can be no more and no less magical for having the mystery at its heart remain mysterious (for the time being).

Here, Jamie, let me help you up... there you go! You're on the brightly painted fiberglass horse now. Hold on to the pole. Can you hear the calliope music? the laughter of children? Round and round you go. Where you'll stop, only you know.

Love,
CJ

Thank you Donna, CJ for your thoughts. I hadn't until recently thought of myself as being transgendered. I just felt different and quite honestly I have tried to deny my feelings for much of my live. A part of me wishes I was born female and this part seems to grow stronger as time passes.

So why (yes another why) I have, at the start of my seventh decade on this planet, started to give in to my feelings, and at least on occasion felt so comfortable with myself, is a mystery to me. Perhaps, as someone mentioned in another post (sorry I don't recall the author) it is hormonal changes or it may be the realisation through this forum and others, that being different isn't something to be ashamed of but celebrated.

I will try to enjoy the carnival and cotton candy and our ride on the carousel while it lasts, but I do wonder where I might find myself when the ride stops. I know I should stop wondering - I can hear you shouting this from afar!!


CJ in mentioning the Magical Mystery Tour in the same breath as referring to a carousel ride (Jacques Brel is alive and well and living in Paris) brought back warm thoughts of two pieces of music I have loved from long ago. Thank you.

Hi Jamie,

First, yes for some of us this "gift" does seem to get stronger as we walk the path before us!

For those of us who do, have or will struggle with our "gift" it is important to seek a balance in dealing with ourselves. That is necessary for those of us who have "both sides" of us to deal with. For some of us our "feminine side" that feels like she has been set free, in some cases, just takes over, dominating the male aspect of our existence. This "domination" can lead to either a NOTS = non-op transsexual or someone who takes that leap of faith and has SRS.

It is my considered opinion that if one accepts this, this ????? "gift" as a positive then it would behoove them to learn it, study it, feel it, share it, embrace it, love it and seek the balance that is necessary to live a happy, gentle, loving life. Learn not to fight it but seek that balance so that you can live in harmony with yourself.

I can pretty much tell from your post you have not had your epiphany yet! Then again you may not have one, but I can assure you you will know it if you have it. You will look in a mirror at the woman looking back at you and if you are (a true believer, so to speak), every cell in your body will be screaming "this is soooooo right, as it should be!"

Enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour" it is worth the ride!!!!

Love,

Virginia

Hello Jamie,

It’s quite true when you say that “ being different isn’t something to be ashamed of ” because it’s an absolute fact that there’s diversity in all forms of life, both in plant and animal. The shame of it isn’t how people are born, the real shame is that sections of people set themselves apart from others and believe that their ‘way’ is the right way, when in fact there is no right or wrong in how people are born, we are what we are, and we do what comes naturally because that’s natural for any given person. Within the natural world there is no necessity to be socially sexed, in the world of nature what is, just is, but in our world of human beings a need has developed for people to be socially sexed and that fact confirmed and reinforced, and depending on the result everyone is conveniently placed into ‘their pigeon holes.’

Over my life I used to nearly drive myself silly trying to fathom out the why’s and wherefores of being born as I was. Growing up, I idolized my older brother and would have given anything to be the person he was, but it just wasn’t me and my life never began to improve until I came to the realization that I’m just naturally somewhere else in the various gradations on the spectrum with male at one end and female at the other.

I believe that we have to develop a relationship with our ‘self’ where we accept that we are simply what and who we are born as, and that sex is a concept which is as all encompassing and as vast as the number of individual human beings trying to define it, and it’s paramount that we not give in to any label which others may impose on us, but we as individuals define who we are, and that involves accepting the responsibility of being who we wish to be and what’s right for us, not that which others may wish us to conform to.

It’s unfortunate that anyone has to feel different, not just us, but anyone, but that’s a legacy of the culture which has built up moral codes over many generations, which have evolved into a set of fixed ideas which have been set in place by those in positions of authority, presumably to simplify things for ‘their subjects’ who they see as people with less of an overview, and to ensure those ‘subjects’ live their life by ‘following the rules’.
These moral codes are set in place so that if people stray then they feel a sense of guilt in that they’ve done something bad, and the idea is to control people by having them live up to arbitrary limiting rules in their behavior, and these rules are often positioned as if they were decreed by the “Gods’, which gives them maximum effect.

You said, “So why (yes another why) I have, at the start of my seventh decade on this planet, started to give in to my feelings, and at least on occasion felt so comfortable with myself, is a mystery to me.”

Have you considered that maybe for the majority of your life, due to your family situation, your work and social scene, you were inhibited from allowing your true self some latitude.
Maybe you’ve now reached that time in your life where you’re able to ‘forgive yourself’ and be able to take more responsibility for your actions, to realize that maybe it’s not that you’re different from anyone else, maybe it’s just that they’re different from you and that’s the way it was meant to be.
Maybe the time has simply come for you to free up those ‘fixed rules’ and the belief that there is only one right or wrong way of behaving. Nothing is ever black and white and the fixed rules of how we should behave are just the same as any fixed rules, their limits can be tested and what they’re trying to accomplish seen from a different viewpoint.
I know that the overall situation of my life improved markedly when I allowed ‘her’ to take the reins and come to the fore. It was something which was meant to be from day one, but was pushed into a dark corner in the effort to conform to ‘the rules’, but we alone know the real truth of what was meant to be and if we suppress our true feelings we’re prevented from growing naturally, and it literally becomes a case of we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t.

As CJ says, there’s usually a scientific reason for most things in our world, and unfortunately language produces and constructs much of our world.
What I’m getting at is that if there isn’t a word for something then the majority of people say it doesn’t exist, and the extension of that is that most of the community don’t identify in a positive manner with the words used to define any of us, and we know that people construct barriers and harbour fears of anything they can’t grasp or understand, and for that we have to forgive them because we ourselves, really don’t understand why we have these strong alignments to the female, it’s just something which is. Science will define it one day, but probably not in our lifetime.

The physical aspects of our body is one thing and the ‘spirit’ is another, if the two don’t match as 'they'd like, then that’s beyond our control. I’ve often said that my life would have been better if I’d not been born as I am, but that’s not because of anything within myself, it’s because of how I’ve been treated by others due to how I am.
If I’d been allowed to live my life free of angst and as the person nature intended me to be, then everything would have been fine, but ‘the makers of the rules’ saw things different, and if we don’t ‘jump through their hoops’ we’re open to all sorts of manipulation and guilt trips.
I say, don’t give them the satisfaction, don’t stress over your feelings, go forth and be your own little individual ‘snowflake’.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

I can find lots of reasons why I feel the way I do, some of them reasons that many others here share, some of them somewhat more unique.

However the answer to the question why is why not? The question why me? WHy not me?

Zari

Very well said Sally. Speaks volumes!

Jamie

Your not much older than me. I'm nearing the end of my 6th decade on this little blue planet and I have only recently re-discovered my affinity for female clothing.

I have always been different from other men in subtle ways. Sure I like to rough-house a bit but never ever started or ended a fight. I like to play sports, hike, bike but have little interest discussing or watching the latest hockey or football game and I have no idea who the members of any of our local sports teams are. I ride a motor-cycle and so does my lovely lady. Like most men, I look at every woman that passes by and I look at them in a sexual way but I prefer the company of women and most of my friends have been women and the relationships were not sexual.

I realize that my cross-dressing self would not be accepted by many around me, but that is their issue not mine. If every one had one simple trait (open-mindedness), none of this would be an issue. We are not flawed, those who cannot accept us are flawed. Instead of responding with"Oh your different; how interesting. Tell me about it", they are repulsed or filled with fear at the strangeness of it. I reiterate, the problem is theirs.

As for you, I would recommend what I have done, simply embrace your changing self and see where the journey takes you. If you are lucky enough to have a significant other in your life, who accepts & embraces who you are, then the journey is easier and more enjoyable, but it is never-the-less your journey. It will be a great one if you choose to make it so. Enjoy where it takes you my friend.

By the way, I was born Over 'Ome in Jolly Old London, thus the moniker. My parents left when I was six and I've spent over half a century as a Canuck.

We are very fortunate to have, in Toronto, (I live in the Greater Toronto Area) a thriving Gay/Transgendered community, so there are areas where cross-dressing is accepted openly. We have a store to purchase CD stuff and to hang out in their lounge as girls. We have a huge Gay Pride parade every year which is attended/hosted by gay and non-gay politicians and we even allow gays to share in the agony of legal marriages (sorry had to get my dig in. Been there, done that, done wanna go there again).

London

Hi all,

Jamie, you wrote: I will try to enjoy the carnival and cotton candy and our ride on the carousel while it lasts, but I do wonder where I might find myself when the ride stops.

You'll be in the best place you can ever be: with your authentic self.

Love,
CJ

Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and advice. Just reading these have helped me, at least for the moment, to begin to come to terms with my life.

I will still continue to search for answers to my "why?". You see, something has suddenly "snapped" within me. A number of aspects of my life and relationships have suddenly started to come into focus. Events over the last two years and particularly in the last 6 months have triggered a chain of thoughts about my sexuality.

What I think is upsetting me the most is why, on earth, has it taken me so long to realize who I am. I know I have always felt out of place, but I really should have done something about my feelings long ago.

There is, I believe, a very good cd store local to me. Importantly a monthly get together for like minded girls is held there. I really want to accept the invitations I have had to meet the group. So far I haven’t built up the confidence to go. I do need to lie to my SO (wife of 35 years) to arrange an evening out on my own. This is troubling me but I am not currently in a position to pour my heart out to her about my other self. This may come later but I need to get things straight in my mind before burdening her with everything. I have read some posts re opening up to SO’s and understand the need for honesty.

This carousel ride is getting faster and faster but I am still hanging on.

Finally I have just minor task to accomplish as soon as possible and this is to loose a few pounds and a couple of inches from my waist to fit into a new size 14 (UK size – sorry I don’t know the US size) skirt I have just bought. No, I am not exchanging it for a size larger – I am going to loose the pounds and make it fit – or should I say make me fit it? Anyway I need to loose weight, so what better excuse is there?

Jamie

You do not live far from me so if you would ever like to meet up for a chat - in drab if that is how you want it to be, then just ask me. I would be more than happy to swap experiences with you and to show you that you are not alone.

my very best wishes to you

I definitely agree with CJ (although I do know the answer to the first question).

When I was going through the same pondering, a lesbian friend pointed out to me, "If you knew the definitive, absolutely correct answer, what would that change? If somehow, you knew why YOU and not somebody else is transgender, would that knowledge really change everything?"

When I was first coming out this spring, I was incessantly trying to prove to myself exactly why I am what I am, and I ultimately learned that that rational exploration can only go so far. In the end, self-acceptance is far more emotional - in my case, I've seen enough evidence to rationally and scientifically conclude it is mainly due to differences in brain structure, but I still struggle with self-acceptance all the time.

I'm not trying to bum you out or anything, but I've learned from my experience asking why only gets you so far.

Hello all

One of the reasons i started to post on this forum is because at the moment i am finding it very hard to cope. I feel the need to be en-femme a lot more now but due to circumstance, work family kids etc., cannot. It hurts so much not being able to dress that a lot of the time i am close to tears. Although my SO has always been aware of my cd-ing, I do not want to upset her by telling her how I feel and cannot at present tell her as she too has a lot on her plate which we are dealing with at present. I am also afraid of what her reaction may be when i tell her how strong my feelings are.
This is seriously affecting my life at the moment as I should be in work now but dont want to go as will have to change into male clothing. Trying desperately to find and maintain balance but can't

Confused and upset

Vicky

Vicky, sometimes extra stress makes the need to dress stronger in some of us.

And some cope by under dressing as much as possible.