Ultimatums from wife

[Carly]

Many posts suggest the importance of two way communications with your SO. My wife or 25+ years has known about (and in the past allowed) a minimum amount of activities. Two years ago with the help of my therapists she decided I should stop. I tried for a long time and found it too hard. My new therapists suggested I discuss this with my wife. Her response was a threat to cut off all intimacy. When she discovered that would lead to a divorce, she then said it would lead to just minimum participation by her.
The suggestion that she not be involed in any CD activities were met with a order not to discuss it anymore and permission would not be given to do anything. Is this an O.K. to just keep it out of her sight?

[Kimberly Kael]

There's no right or wrong way to deal with your gift. Too much depends on the people involved and so I'd strongly recommend taking any advice with a grain of salt and thinking long and hard about how it applies to you and your wife.

For the vast majority of significant others I've heard from one of the biggest problems is a loss of trust. Keeping secrets is what leads, down the road, to loss of intimacy and all kinds of other issues. That said, there is certainly precedent for the "so long as I don't have to hear about it ..." style of relationship. Some couples deal with infidelity that way, too, but it doesn't seem likely to be the healthiest approach. In general I'd say that pushing a problem into the future only makes it worse.

At this point I think working with your therapist or someone who specializes in couples therapy sounds like a good idea. Make sure you're dealing with someone who is familiar with gender identity issues so you're not paying for their education along the way. Best of luck! I know this is hard and I sympathize with your situation.

[Virginia]

I don't guess I am telling you anything that you don't already know or suspect, but "it" = that desire to crossdress is part of you. It is not going to go away. You can, if your strong enough, supress it, you can repress it, you can ignore it, but it is still part of you. Most of us who have travelled your road know that ignoring it only makes us more miserable, grumpy, hard to get along with and on and on.

Based on what your said your SO's comments have been it would lead one to believe that even if she understands "what we are about," she has choosen to ignore "the facts" and is just not a "happy camper."

I have my doubts about couple's counselling when crossdressing is involved as it would appear that the SO's needs to have some elementary knowledge of what we are about and AND be open-minded enough to want to at the very least discuss it. I agree with Kimberly, if they are not going to open their mind to even the slightest bit of education or communication, unfortunately you have a problem that you have to solve.

Again you can, if your strong enough, toss your "alter-ego" under the bus.
You can go into the closet and hope you don't get caught........ever!
Or, well, you can figure out the next option for yourself, and some of us here have taken that path as well.

Please keep us posted as your journey continues.

Love,

Virginia

[Christina Huffman]

Caveat: I'm single, so you'll definitely want to take this advice with a grain of salt.

I definitely agree with Virginia. For most crossdressers and transgender people, this isn't just a hobby or momentary experimentation. When I tried to repress the urge as a teenager, it became an overwhelming obsession. I could stop for a few months at most, but there was no way I could permanently stop. In my opinion, this is a fundamental part of your psyche and you can't make it go away, nor should you try.

As for the option of moving further into the closet and doing it in secret, I'm reminded of the phrase "If you're in a hole, stop digging". If trust issues are a large part of this conflict,, becoming more secretive would only make things worse.

I'm also skeptical about the "as long as I don't see it" approach. It probably works as a temporary measure, but in the long run I doubt it can be good for your relationship to have this whole part of yourself totally outside and unacknowledged.

Good luck! Stay strong, and more importantly, true to who you really are.

[DonnaT]

The suggestion that she not be [involved] in any CD activities were met with a order not to discuss it anymore and permission would not be given to do anything. Is this an O.K. to just keep it out of her sight?

Doesn't really sound like an OK, but more of a "there's nothing I can do to stop you" resolve.

If keeping it out of sight works for you, then it may be what you have to do to satisfy the urge.

Ultimatums should never be given. Threats of divorce should never be given.

What should be communicated is, "I love you dearly, but this is a part of me that's never going away."

[Absaroka]

Where in the world did you find that first therapist? I hope you don't go back. Your therapist and wife decided you should stop????????????

As for the wife with holding sex that speaks volumes about far too many things and should be fertile ground for discussion with the new therapist. Sex is supposed to be a shared experience making the two of you closer, and if she is choosing to deprive herself of it, it should be asked why. On the other hand if she thinks shes just having sex as a favor to you as a reward for good behavior, that's a whole other dysfunction.

Yes men and women often feel and think differently about sex, but if you are at a point where she is saying she will with hold sex in an effort to control your behavior, you have a much bigger problem than what you are wearing when she isn't around.

Zari

[Carly]

First thanks to all of you for your time. I think much of the pain comes from the lack of understanding and the unwillingness to listen to my issues from my wife. Things would be a lot easier if as Virginia suggested there was effort ot obtain some elementary knowledge. The willingness to give your help has been a big relief to me.
I'm over 50 and as with many others the crossdressing came on slowly and progressed slowly till my wife found that it wasn't just a sex game. I didn't understand what was going on so I couldn't explain it to her. A health issue (mine) got me to face my mortality and the limited time I have as a productive human being. So the precipitating factor was my feeling that I was depriving myself. I should have joined this site first and heeded the advice to use baby steps.
Due to work I will be in a different state from my wife so I have a 10 weeks to figure out what to do.
Absaroka: I already decided not to back to that 1st therapist but I am going to try slowly to get my wife to join me with my current one.

[Steve]

Find somone who knows about Gender Issues. You can't stop being you until you stop paying taxes and breathing (ie Dead).

If your like me, then if you could change you would. Best she can hope for is Moderation so you don't lose friends, jobs etc. But sometime in life you will get the feeling "I don't care". Screw em if they don't accept me as Me.

I am lucky myself. Finally found somone who is supportive. Took 3 trys.

wish you luck.

[Absaroka]

A question is what is it that you decided life was to short to deprive yourself of? For some here it is a fundamental question of who and what they are, and these people are often transgendered to some extend. Of course there is not complete agreement on what that term even means. On the other hand for many crossdressers, it is not about feeling they are really a woman, but about something else. A form of sex play, a form of play, many other poorly defined things. And of course with the issuing of ultimatums comes a whole other very large issue, the issue of autonomy.

So my question is, what is it that life is too short to deprive yourself of? You need to be able to explain that in order to be able to say why it is so important to you that you feel you must make a stand of some sort.

I hope this all works out. It sounds terribly unpleasant.

Zari

[Carly]

I do not want to give up the pleasure and the calmness I feel when I'm dressed. I could not pass. I don't feel that I have to go out in public in anymore than woman's jeans or underdressed. I don't feel I'm a woman or want to be one. i'm heterosexual and have only been with ine woman (my wife).
I did not tell my wife because I thought it would go away. No internet to help me 40 yrs ago.

[Absaroka]

I know what you mean. The corollary for someone else would be to give up fishing. In my case other things would be to give up walks in the woods, or my rebellious attitude. And although it does not define me, it's part of who I am.

Zari

[MelodyPerkins]

There needs to be compromise and respect for one another.

Part of that is through open communication. Clearly, she has feeling and thoughts about this,...which she needs to express to you. She may have fears, be threatened. These things need to be discussed.

With my wife, I understand that were I to go about in public in a skirt or dress, she would be embarrassed to be with me,...or to have someone say,..."Hey, I saw your husband, and he was wearing a dress,... What's up with that?"

I very much want to freely dress however I want,...but I respect her.

She realizes that I have a have a need and desire to be feminine. To that end, I have wear panties and women's socks.

I do have skirts and dresses, which I wear at home when alone.

Now,...we still have not worked out more ambiguous female clothing. I think that I should be able to wear women's pants and shirts which are not overtly feminine in appearance. She is against it. She says that she can tell the difference, and that others can as well. I do not think it is so apparent. Rather, I think she is more aware of it because she knows they are not meant for men. However, I am respecting her concerns and fears.

Interestingly, in therapy yesterday, she got a little glimpse into my thoughts about clothing. We had to answer a question about what sort of gifts we like. I knew that hers would be clothing. Mine revolves around electronics, etc. The discussion turned to why most men do not like clothing as gifts, and women do. I said that men's clothes are basically utilitarian,...it's like giving us a roll of toilet paper or a package of batteries. However, women's clothing is fun, colourful, stylish, diverse in texture. Women employ creativity when getting dressed, mixing and matching and accessorizing. "No wonder, I said, women's clothing is so appealing to women,...and to me."

I think in that moment there was a little discomfort in her,....but a spark of understanding. I spoke to her in terms that she'd understand as a woman. That clothing can make you feel wonderful.

[Carly]

My wife and I have spoke ine the past. She feels she doesn't need to know any more. I have told her I would be fine with my own time and would not leave any signs for the kids to find ( sizes that do not match).
I am working on baby steps by hoping to get her to therapy with me.
I do think your wife is correct in spotting womans clothes. I have not been having an easy time finding things that would satisfy me that are not obvious.

[MelodyPerkins]

I have had jeans, with no decorative stitching, logos, colors, etc,...that would indicate they were female designed jeans. Likewise, I have had tops without any frill, accentuating collars, feminine colors, etc,...more like Oxfords,....etc,... It's enough to make me happy,...but she thinks it is too obvious,..because the buttons go the wrong way? Who is really gonna look at the buttons? Honestly! It's not a thing that people take the time to notice.

[Carly]

your right I do have 2 pairs of jeans. It's the tops I have trouble finding. Button issues would not bother me. At work I can't be too obvious. I don't do much else alone.