I told my best friend about my CDing last night. She has been my friend for over 20 years. She has a lot of friends who are CDers and Drag Queens so if anyone could understand it should be her. Years and years ago, when we dated, she told me she felt I had a real fem side that I should explore more.
Last night I came out about my CDing to her and she said she always new. She said she thought I would look hot in dress. I showed her an old photo of me and she said it looked great. Then I showed her some of the new photos and she said, “No, she was wrong. I don’t look good as a woman and I should stick to being a man and that I just look wrong in dress”
I asked her if she could help me learn to work on my fem look, she said “no” she just couldn’t help me.
My heart sank. The first person in my life I ever told and to get that answer.
I was so upset I went to the photo gallery and tried to delete the photos she said she didn’t like. Then messed up and deleted them all. I’ve reposted some of them but I just didn’t have it in me to repost all of them or to repost the descriptions. I’m sure I’ll get to that sometime, but right now I’m just feeling so down.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
Sorry to hear your friend flip-flopped on you like that.
I can understand liking some pictures and not liking others, and being honest about that, but can't understand why the bad pictures are concrete proof that CDing isn't for you, when she said it was for you with respect to some other pictures.
But here's the deal, do you dress to please her, or to please yourself? Or is it to satisfy a deep rooted need?
We all, almost all, have our good pictures and bad pictures (and if your like me, they are mostly bad ). Don't let someone else get you down over some bad photos.
Thanks Donna,
The crush to my ego was when she said she didn't like the way I looked in fem, but the real crush was to my heart when she said she wouldn't help me because she didn't like the way I looked. I really trusted her.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
I guess 'chin up' doesnt really do it here, I know the feeling of a very trusted friend letting you down, it hurts -alot- just try not to let it get to you to much, and in time you will feel better.
Is this friend of your still gonna be your friend? if so take that as a positive and focus on that. At the end of the day this is 1 persons opinion, I realise its an important one to you and these can make or break us.
Thanks Analise, Yes, she will still be my friend. That's something. She didn't go running. Still, to have someone I know to talk to about this would have been nice.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
Lily wrote:Still, to have someone I know to talk to about this would have been nice.
Yes your right, a girl I recently refered to in 1 of your posts has recently betrayed my trust (she thought it was ok to tell her neighbour bout my cd'ing) I was fuming and upset and she had no idea why.
I told her how she made me feel and she basicaly just told me to get over myself, and stop been a drama queen. Needless to say I just stop txting her and she has now told me to remove any trace of her number from my pc/fone.
Although this was only a few days ago, I still miss the chats we use to have
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that Hon. That is just why I haven't shared photos for so long. And they to do it and be told that I am not Fem in them. It hurt so bad when I was trying to capture the way I felt in the photos.
No I am worried that she might show them to someone.
I feel for you dear.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
Lily, I'm all for being honest, and I can't fault your friend for feeling the way she feels. If she didn't feel like she could help you improve your look, then it's better that she let you know. She's going too far, though, when she implies that no one can help you do that, and you're better off just forgetting about the whole idea.
I looked at your pictures again, and I think you can do fine out there in the world. I don't say this lightly. It doesn't mean you're going to 'pass' unnoticed, or that you'll never hear any unkind remarks. But I think you can learn to do what I call 'blend in' if you want to.
Donna refers to "a deep rooted need." If that's what you have, then you're going to do it, one way or the other. I had to ask myself what I would do if people started laughing at me on every street corner. This was before the days of forums like this. I just had to go out there and face it, and lo and behold, people let me be. The sky didn't fall in, even on the days when I felt I didn't look very good.
Well, I hadn't been to the photo gallery in ages and, after reading this thread, I just had to go take a peek.
Lily, your pix are fine. Of course, this is coming from a CD, not a GG. Still, don't let anyone bring you down over differing esthetic appreciations.
Having said this, it seems to me you gave your friend a simultaneous double shot:
1. Look, here I am; this is me.
2. Please, won't you help me look better?
While she may have flipped on the first shot, she flopped on the second one. It's one thing for a friend to be privy to our innermost desires and predilections but it's quite another to ask that friend to participate in them.
I know it hurts, believe me. I was also told--by a sexologist I met for the first time, no less--that, given my looks and frame, I ought to stick with being a man. I've also been told this by friends. But, see, Lily, here's the problem: you can see yourself (in a mirror or in your mind's eye) a million different ways but even a good friend usually sees you (and knows you) in a certain specific way. When you look at a pic of yourself all dolled up, you (and we) see "Lily." Your friend, on the other hand, sees your male self in a wig and a dress. Even if, over the course of your 20-year friendship with this woman, you'd spent the last five years living full-time en femme, she'd probably still hold fresh memories of you as a man because this is how she's known you for most of your friendship.
So, that your friend now knows about, or has had some confirmation of the existence of, this side of you and chose not to go running away screaming into the night is triumph enough as a first step. As a first step. A baby step. Let her first get used to the idea of your being one of the chosen few, the proud, the transgendered.
Do not expect her to participate in your crossdressing. Certainly not from day one, at any rate. It's not fair to make such a demand on her and, you know what? it's not fair to you, either. Your expectations will be continuously dashed. Give yourselves both some time to sit in a gray "acclimatization" zone following this self-revelation on your part. Again, let her get used to the idea. What you can do, is to remain open, receptive, and ready to share your thoughts and feelings about this (i.e., about your CDing as well as about the fact that she now knows about it) when the subject crops up. Inevitably, it will.
In the meantime, Lily, please don't allow yourself to be crushed by what is a setback only in appearance. There is now another person in the world who knows the "real" you... and that is a good thing, in the end. For, the "realer" you are with people, the "realer" your links to them will be or become. Those that do not want any part of the real you (and, yes, this can include spouses, family members, and friends) are not people you ought to spend too much energy on. Spend that energy on yourself instead; as I often say, I can guarantee that you, Lily, are the only person in the world with whom you'll have to spend the rest of your life. Make the relationship you have with yourself the central one and, if it be a good one, others will naturally flock to you, partly in admiration of your self-possession and self-esteem, regardless of whether or not you occasionally enjoy slipping into a dress and heels.
I know you're hurting right now, Lily. I send a great big hug your way. You'll find your balance again, I'm sure of it.
Thanks everyone. I was on the verge of tears last night. As I said, my ego will heal. What hurts is that she is okay with crossdressing, she just can’t support me.
My hopes were just set to high. But It may be a while before I can bring myself to dress again. I will be better in time. I’m just so very disappointed and depressed. Her opinion means a lot to me.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
Lily, I can understand your disappointment, and how you feel so sad.
I had a dismal experience when I visited a psychiatrist, dressed fully fem, and she verbally dismantled me, as to wig, physical features, face, hands, speech, you name it, and when I got home I was so deflated.
That when I back home I had a rather expense purge of most of my fem clothes, only to regret it later, and proceed to replace most of my fem things again.
These days I do not even try to pass as a woman. I have grown my hair (which is naturally wavy) so I do not worry with wigs, and continue to wear panties, fem jeans, fem polo tops, bras, earrings, nail polish, sometimes lip stick, so now I am just enjoying my life as I am, a fem male?
Listen, if your hurting right now it's only because you have been kidding yourself. I'm sorry about that, I did it for a long time. It's easy to let ourselves believe what we want to believe instead of what is really happening. The truth is, there are a lot of people that are ok with crossdressing as long as it doesn't involve anyone they know personally.
They are happy to say that they are not bigots and would never discriminate against anyone that is transgendered or gay and usually support similar public policy. That is until it's someone they know. Especially family members and friends closest to us. They draw a strong distinction between tolerating and accepting others and "condoning those kinds of things". They don't want to be seen as being "for" something.
As an abstract, your friend was cool with it. As something you used to do, she was cool with it. As something you want to do with her participating? It appears she is not cool with that. That crosses the line between "live and let live" and "actively participating".
While there are some who are willing to participate, I agree with CJ that for some people it's just asking too much. I am not willing to go as far as to say it's not their fault, because I believe each person controls how they choose to feel about things, but there are those who simply will not make this leap for a whole variety of reasons.
Which gets me to my last point. If crossdressing required the approval of others, no one would crossdress. I don't crossdress to please others. I do it to please myself. Because it is one of the only means I have to tell the world I am really a girl, and stop treating me like a man. While I am not very passable, I do accomplish my goals. I don't get treated like a man and for the most part, I am accepted as a woman in my community. But no one is knocking on my door asking if they can help me either.
Hold your head high. This is about you. It's your universe happening in your mind. You can make that experience anything you want it to be.
The three stages of transistion, according to Jennifer Boylan (formerly James Boylan)
1 what a faggy looking guy.
2 what a strange looking person.
3 what an ugly chick.
If you showed her an older picture that she liked and she didn't like the newer one, well that's just the ravages of age, which is no kinder to us than anyone else.
As for her not wanting to participate, well don't ask a question if you aren't ready for any answer. Hopefully you will get past the hurt and remain friends. Remember that she gave you the respect of the truth.
Sorry about the hurt feelings. It sucks.
You'll notice I have no pictures of me here. Privacy is one reason, what the pictures look like (ZZ TOP in a dress) is another one.
Zari
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
Thanks everyone, there have been some big changes in my life this week and it may be a while before I dress or come on line but you have all been wonderful. Thank you so much.
Lillian Paterson
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My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.” -- Ed Wood
). Don't let someone else get you down over some bad photos.
