I have now officially come out of the closet now. Everyone that I was concerened about knowing, knows. I am sure it will make it around the family and friends in a short amount of time now. I have had the most uplifting feeling I have had in a long time. But I have also had one of my saddest times when my wife said to me today "I don't love you anymore, don't send me anymore emails, I will not be married to a femminine man, I want a divorce" I have known it for a while, but it was really hard hearing it come out of her mouth like that. I mean the "I don't love you anymore" part. I could tell she really meant it. So I am having this rollercoaster effect. One minute I am feeling great, the next I am sad. And if all this were not enough, I seem to be jumping back and forth between personalities. One minute I am thinking like Elizebeth, the next minute I am thinking like Karlton. It is so hard to let go of the self loathing. Elizabeth does not do this, so I find myself wanting to shed the old me, and become this person I always thought I could. But right now, I feeling like I am losing my mind? SOS
Elizabeth
Losing my mind?
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Beauty
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Hi Elizabeth,
You are both genders, but those two genders make up one person. The conflict comes because one of the genders is a safe haven for mental health the other for physical health. The one that is "usually" stronger in relationships that are terminating is the physical gender, which in our case is male.
I'm very sorry to hear about you being upset about your wife. My words will not undo the pain, but I do want to tell you that her, "I don't love you anymore" line is from her protecting herself. She's been through this exercise before and she has to know that telling someone you don't love them anymore is the quickest way to get out of a relationship. It ends any hope of reconciliation. Yes, it hurts the person, but it's better to get it over with early vs. prolonging the hurt. It also protects the one saying it from being weak with their resolve to leave the relationship. It's helps them reinforce why they are leaving the relationship. Especially when the person they are leaving tries to save the relationship.
What you need now is for things to progress and get started. This IS NOT going to be easy and I am praying, you have no idea, that you will use this forum to get back to us and let us help you and give you the positive support you need.
You are a great person!!! Your brother and his wife know it and more importantly the little ones you brought into this world know it.
Stay strong. We're here for you 24/7 365.
Beauty
You are both genders, but those two genders make up one person. The conflict comes because one of the genders is a safe haven for mental health the other for physical health. The one that is "usually" stronger in relationships that are terminating is the physical gender, which in our case is male.
I'm very sorry to hear about you being upset about your wife. My words will not undo the pain, but I do want to tell you that her, "I don't love you anymore" line is from her protecting herself. She's been through this exercise before and she has to know that telling someone you don't love them anymore is the quickest way to get out of a relationship. It ends any hope of reconciliation. Yes, it hurts the person, but it's better to get it over with early vs. prolonging the hurt. It also protects the one saying it from being weak with their resolve to leave the relationship. It's helps them reinforce why they are leaving the relationship. Especially when the person they are leaving tries to save the relationship.
What you need now is for things to progress and get started. This IS NOT going to be easy and I am praying, you have no idea, that you will use this forum to get back to us and let us help you and give you the positive support you need.
You are a great person!!! Your brother and his wife know it and more importantly the little ones you brought into this world know it.
Stay strong. We're here for you 24/7 365.
Beauty
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
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Elizabeth, Beauty is right, your wife is using an ingrain human defense mechinism. I don't know if she has done any reading about "us" and "what makes us tick." If you have not read Carl Jung's Anima Theory, now would be a good time, but let me quote a couple of things that Jung says.
"The male personality possesses drive, courage, endurance and ambition. the male is a doer - a bold changer and shaper of the world. But without the anima's traits of love, compassion, intuition and patience, the male attributes are prone to misdirection.
Ideally, then a man allows the anima into awareness. The combination of male and female EXCEEDS the sum of the parts. The female has a transforming effect on the male. The traits of male agency REMAIN. BUT, they now achieve a true sense of purpose through guidance of the anima."
" The inclusion of the female effects a change int he male personality, producing a new personality, THAT IS BETTER THAN EITHER ALONE. The female empowers and transforms the male. The stage IS ON GOING. The new self continues to grow - presumably in the direction of greater spirituality and service to others."
AS Beauty said you are a nice person, you are a Crossdresser and that will serve you, Elizabeth and all you come into contact with a love that is consistent with higher life goals!
Love you and we are here for you,
Deborah
"The male personality possesses drive, courage, endurance and ambition. the male is a doer - a bold changer and shaper of the world. But without the anima's traits of love, compassion, intuition and patience, the male attributes are prone to misdirection.
Ideally, then a man allows the anima into awareness. The combination of male and female EXCEEDS the sum of the parts. The female has a transforming effect on the male. The traits of male agency REMAIN. BUT, they now achieve a true sense of purpose through guidance of the anima."
" The inclusion of the female effects a change int he male personality, producing a new personality, THAT IS BETTER THAN EITHER ALONE. The female empowers and transforms the male. The stage IS ON GOING. The new self continues to grow - presumably in the direction of greater spirituality and service to others."
AS Beauty said you are a nice person, you are a Crossdresser and that will serve you, Elizabeth and all you come into contact with a love that is consistent with higher life goals!
Love you and we are here for you,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Loretta Ann
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Beauty,
That is one of the nicest posts that I have seen from you. and you are so right. IMO.
Elizabeth,
)))))) that your wife is unable to love herself more than she obviously dose. She is missing out on so much of what life has to offer her.
It is unlikely that you can change that. But it is important for you that you have done what you could to try.
My only suggestion is to try and focus on any positive relationships that you have left and build on them.
Thank you for letting us share your sorrow hon.
That is one of the nicest posts that I have seen from you. and you are so right. IMO.
Elizabeth,
)))))) that your wife is unable to love herself more than she obviously dose. She is missing out on so much of what life has to offer her.
It is unlikely that you can change that. But it is important for you that you have done what you could to try.My only suggestion is to try and focus on any positive relationships that you have left and build on them.
Thank you for letting us share your sorrow hon.
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Last night was not real good. I could not get to sleep and was really depressed. I was thinking like my old self. I was feeling ashamed, and regretful. I was thinking about how humiliating this was going to be for my children as they grow up. And basically to accept me, you would have to accept the humiliation. I decided that it was not fair of me to put that on them. They could cash in my life insurance, I could end the pain of both my illness and being a crossdresser. So I took about 20 vicodine. And 30 mins after that, I took about 15 more. But I never fell asleep. And at 6:00 my wife woke the children up and I went from the couch to the bedroom. I don't know why 35 vicodin did not kill me. I mean I never checked to see how much it takes, but it said not to exceed 6 in a 24 hour period. Anyway, at about 7:00 am i told my wife because i was getting nauseous and and I was not dead. Obviously she wanted me to go to the hospital but I talked her out of it, because they will take my pain medication away, and she knows how hard it is for me without it.
I have spent the day throwing up and sleeping and feel much better now. I have also been thinking about what happened to me. It is really mental. My male personality was willing to die, to kill Elizabeth. That is what really happened. But he could not keep control, and I told my wife. And now I feel like I have a split personality almost. Like it is Elizabeth and my male persona. And as I look back in time, I can clearly see what peronality was doing what. Elizabeth was always suppressed, but she was still there. I am sure you all know what I mean. I think the suicide attempt was the last try to stop her from emerging. Anyway, I feel this duality now, and am attemting to deal with it the best I can. Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Elizabeth
I have spent the day throwing up and sleeping and feel much better now. I have also been thinking about what happened to me. It is really mental. My male personality was willing to die, to kill Elizabeth. That is what really happened. But he could not keep control, and I told my wife. And now I feel like I have a split personality almost. Like it is Elizabeth and my male persona. And as I look back in time, I can clearly see what peronality was doing what. Elizabeth was always suppressed, but she was still there. I am sure you all know what I mean. I think the suicide attempt was the last try to stop her from emerging. Anyway, I feel this duality now, and am attemting to deal with it the best I can. Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Elizabeth
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Loretta Ann
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Beauty
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I'm glad you are ok.
I'm also freaking P'd off big time. Get this. You are one person. There aren't two sides of you. You're living with two arms and you're telling yourself if you use your other arm you are an evil person. Where's the logic in that young one?
Also where's the logic in telling your brother and his wife, "You weren't enough I had to kill myself.", "Children you weren't enough, I had to kill myself.", "Wife, you were enough. I decided to hurt countless people for the thousands of days while they blamed themselves for the rest of their lives and lived with and emptiness because you couldn't love a femme side of me."
Now I have zero idea if that's the way your brother or your children would have taken it, but I have no intention on holding you to me before I tell you how (not dissappointed) but p'd off I am at you. You know better. Your body willed you past this. Your soul knew it wasn't time to go. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this one, but forever is a long time.
You don't hurt everyone around you because one person is hurting you. You don't chop of both arms because someone called one arm ugly.
With that said I wish I could hug the life out of you so you could die and come back to see how much you are LOVED and understand what love REALLY is and then you'd want to have it 24/7. I also want to hug you to let you know I CARE ABOUT YOU. That baby in that picture has become someone I care about as an adult and I would have felt I failed you or I gave you advice that caused you to end your life and that would have hurt me forever.
Do not pass go. Get on the phone and call your therapist now. You are in DANGER. This is not over. You need help. I can't drive to your house and take you.
My dissappointed/anger compared to my caring for you is way off center. I care for you WAY more than I'm dissappointed, but don't confuse the issue. I've seen what suicide of a father does to families. Don't you DARE do that to those innocent people (your children, your brother and sister in law).
Go and get help Elizabeth, right now.
There is no hug that shows concern and hugging so you'll have to imagine that from me.
I'm also freaking P'd off big time. Get this. You are one person. There aren't two sides of you. You're living with two arms and you're telling yourself if you use your other arm you are an evil person. Where's the logic in that young one?
Also where's the logic in telling your brother and his wife, "You weren't enough I had to kill myself.", "Children you weren't enough, I had to kill myself.", "Wife, you were enough. I decided to hurt countless people for the thousands of days while they blamed themselves for the rest of their lives and lived with and emptiness because you couldn't love a femme side of me."
Now I have zero idea if that's the way your brother or your children would have taken it, but I have no intention on holding you to me before I tell you how (not dissappointed) but p'd off I am at you. You know better. Your body willed you past this. Your soul knew it wasn't time to go. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for this one, but forever is a long time.
You don't hurt everyone around you because one person is hurting you. You don't chop of both arms because someone called one arm ugly.
With that said I wish I could hug the life out of you so you could die and come back to see how much you are LOVED and understand what love REALLY is and then you'd want to have it 24/7. I also want to hug you to let you know I CARE ABOUT YOU. That baby in that picture has become someone I care about as an adult and I would have felt I failed you or I gave you advice that caused you to end your life and that would have hurt me forever.
Do not pass go. Get on the phone and call your therapist now. You are in DANGER. This is not over. You need help. I can't drive to your house and take you.
My dissappointed/anger compared to my caring for you is way off center. I care for you WAY more than I'm dissappointed, but don't confuse the issue. I've seen what suicide of a father does to families. Don't you DARE do that to those innocent people (your children, your brother and sister in law).
Go and get help Elizabeth, right now.
There is no hug that shows concern and hugging so you'll have to imagine that from me.
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
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Dance with my father
Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
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- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Elizabeth,
I think you understand to some degree what is going on when you mention that evidently it was an attempt to kill Elizabeth. Honey, I am sorry, but the scientific fact is that she is part of you. You can repress her, supress her and that's fine, but she is still there. Oh, I feel for you! To have this wonderful gift and to have it appear to be rejected b those you love can seem insurmountable. You do need to go to your therapist. I can only hope that you will find peace. You have to know your sisters here appreciate your sharing with us and we will be here to offer whatever support we can in this media. WE all love you and wish for you only the best, again see your therapist and please let us know how you are doing.
WE LOve You,
Deborah
I think you understand to some degree what is going on when you mention that evidently it was an attempt to kill Elizabeth. Honey, I am sorry, but the scientific fact is that she is part of you. You can repress her, supress her and that's fine, but she is still there. Oh, I feel for you! To have this wonderful gift and to have it appear to be rejected b those you love can seem insurmountable. You do need to go to your therapist. I can only hope that you will find peace. You have to know your sisters here appreciate your sharing with us and we will be here to offer whatever support we can in this media. WE all love you and wish for you only the best, again see your therapist and please let us know how you are doing.
WE LOve You,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
I know everyone must feel disappointed in me. I don't mean to disapoint. I really am making a strong effort to listen to everyone and find out how it applies to me. I have all the problems an emerging crossdressser has as his marriage breaks up, combined with a chronic pain illness. Either alone has made me not want to not continue my life at different times. Together it is sometimes difficult to remember why I have to have this life of pain, that others don't seem to have. I have trouble seeing the payoff. Not all the time, just sometimes. I truely want to be happy, but I have never really been happy, so I don't know what it feels like. I don't know if I am even capable of being happy. There is a lot of life left in me though. so much that Elizabeth wants to do. I want to see the Pyrimids, Go to the Kremlin, Go to Jeruselem. Just to name a few. I want to see my children grow up and be able to express themselves and have meaningful relationships that are rewarding and live thier dreams. I worry that I am the one preventing it. That the drama surrounding my existance is such a distraction and a painful part of thier lives, that , that is all they will remember. I also feel they will blame me for the break up of my marriage, saying just as my wife did that I didn't care about them, only this selfish obsession.
I know the truth about me, I know I did not make me this way. This is just the way I am. I remember being a kid and praying that I could just be a "normal" kid. I know all of you know just what I mean.
I called my therapist just now and told her I was in a crisis and needed to see her right away. My wife took all my meds and has them locked up somewhere, so at least they can feel safe. My brother told me that if I don't get help he will have me commited as a danger to myself, which he can do in CA. He made me promise him I would call him if I start getting real depressed again. I told him I would. It is known that when I make a promise, it is like money in the bank. I won't try to kill myself again. I am certain. I also shaved my body today, and it feels very liberating, and I feel more alive instead of a caged animal. If all this were not enough, my wife crashed my Mustang last week, and my daughter crashed my blazer on Saturday. You know how it feels when the car you always wanted is ruined? I know, they are just things, and things can be replaced. It is not that, it is how it makes you feel at time. Just another thing gone wrong. Anyway, I am trying to look at all the positives, and there are many, I just need to hold onto them. Thanks everyone, I will keep you posted.
Elizabeth
I know the truth about me, I know I did not make me this way. This is just the way I am. I remember being a kid and praying that I could just be a "normal" kid. I know all of you know just what I mean.
I called my therapist just now and told her I was in a crisis and needed to see her right away. My wife took all my meds and has them locked up somewhere, so at least they can feel safe. My brother told me that if I don't get help he will have me commited as a danger to myself, which he can do in CA. He made me promise him I would call him if I start getting real depressed again. I told him I would. It is known that when I make a promise, it is like money in the bank. I won't try to kill myself again. I am certain. I also shaved my body today, and it feels very liberating, and I feel more alive instead of a caged animal. If all this were not enough, my wife crashed my Mustang last week, and my daughter crashed my blazer on Saturday. You know how it feels when the car you always wanted is ruined? I know, they are just things, and things can be replaced. It is not that, it is how it makes you feel at time. Just another thing gone wrong. Anyway, I am trying to look at all the positives, and there are many, I just need to hold onto them. Thanks everyone, I will keep you posted.
Elizabeth
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Beauty
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Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for checking back in. When is your appointment with your therapist?
I did read all of the other things you said and they all sound positive. I'm just cutting to the chase which is when will you see a mind doctor.
I'm glad you're still with us. Thank you for telling us you won't try that again. It means a lot to many of us here.
Beauty
Thank you for checking back in. When is your appointment with your therapist?
I did read all of the other things you said and they all sound positive. I'm just cutting to the chase which is when will you see a mind doctor.
I'm glad you're still with us. Thank you for telling us you won't try that again. It means a lot to many of us here.
Beauty
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Beauty,
That piece you wrote was beautiful and uplifting. I forgot to say that in my last post. but I was thinking it. My therapist has not called back yet, but I am sure she will. I really appreciate your concern, and everyone elses. It is really helping me. Coming here has changed everything for me. I don't feel all alone any longer. I feel like my sisters here are all pulling for me, and that really helps. I love you and everyone else here. Thanks.
Elizbeth
That piece you wrote was beautiful and uplifting. I forgot to say that in my last post. but I was thinking it. My therapist has not called back yet, but I am sure she will. I really appreciate your concern, and everyone elses. It is really helping me. Coming here has changed everything for me. I don't feel all alone any longer. I feel like my sisters here are all pulling for me, and that really helps. I love you and everyone else here. Thanks.
Elizbeth
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Terry Gal
- Our Dearest Friend - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2003 5:49 am
Elizabeth and the rest, pardon me for butting in, and I hope I
don't get into trouble for saying this...but it's well known that
a suicide attempt may be a cry for help. (So well known, in fact,
that I'm a bit embarrassed to mention it, it sounds so much like
TV psychobabble.) I wonder whether your attempt could have been a
desperate move to get out of the impasse with your wife. If so,
it looks as if it's having an effect. (Mind, I'm NOT endorsing or
approving of your actions!!) But I'd be willing to bet that you
won't need to make another attempt. It may have moved your wife off
dead center and may provide a way of getting the two of you back
into communication again. Let's hope so. If so, it will still be a
long, hard road for the two of you, but you may have taken the
first step by your actions, inappropriate though they look to the
rest of us. I know from my own experience that the mind can
sometimes have strange ways of finding solutions to problems. (I
wonder whether your therapist will see it this way.)
.
Terry Gal
don't get into trouble for saying this...but it's well known that
a suicide attempt may be a cry for help. (So well known, in fact,
that I'm a bit embarrassed to mention it, it sounds so much like
TV psychobabble.) I wonder whether your attempt could have been a
desperate move to get out of the impasse with your wife. If so,
it looks as if it's having an effect. (Mind, I'm NOT endorsing or
approving of your actions!!) But I'd be willing to bet that you
won't need to make another attempt. It may have moved your wife off
dead center and may provide a way of getting the two of you back
into communication again. Let's hope so. If so, it will still be a
long, hard road for the two of you, but you may have taken the
first step by your actions, inappropriate though they look to the
rest of us. I know from my own experience that the mind can
sometimes have strange ways of finding solutions to problems. (I
wonder whether your therapist will see it this way.)
.
Terry Gal
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Beauty
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Hi Terry,
I agree totally and you're not butting in at all.
In my earlier post (the first one after she told us about her attempt) I was not the nicest person I've been here. She is still in danger, failed attempt or not and Elizabeth should not pass Go and should go straight to her therapist.
My last post to her was after I'd kind of cooled down some. Regardless, you are right. Excellent post.
Beauty
I agree totally and you're not butting in at all.
In my earlier post (the first one after she told us about her attempt) I was not the nicest person I've been here. She is still in danger, failed attempt or not and Elizabeth should not pass Go and should go straight to her therapist.
My last post to her was after I'd kind of cooled down some. Regardless, you are right. Excellent post.
Beauty