Going far, too far?

[Mány B]

I would just like to know if some of you do have the same experience sometimes of pushing yourself over a limit uncontrollably. It's like being on the edge of a cliff and getting the urge to go as far as you dare. Thinking rationally I sometimes know that what I'm doing (dressing "en femme" at more and more occasions ) is dangerous in the sense that you might get recognized by neighbors, friends or colleagues, a fact which could forever change my life, that of your wife ,children. But yet there is that urge that drives me beyond a limit that I would never have crossed before.
Before I wore a skirt occasionally when riding a bike (in the dark of the evening). Now I happen to do that in broad daylight. Before I would never venture out in the garden except in absolute darkness, now I do it in the morning, well visible if a neighbor happens to look out in the right direction; before I would buy through a post order, now I go to a not so distant town and ask the saleslady if that skirt would fit me........,maybe I want to get caught. My brains say: don't!, but yet I continue.
I start getting afraid that one day I will go too far and really get caught and being exposed to ridicule in my work environment, neighborhood or family.
Anyone has the same experience?

[Michelle Miller]

The comfort zone gets expanded, each time.

It's like that scared shuffle into the womens' section at the department store the first time you get up enough courage to do it...it's not so hard the next time, and the time after that, and soon enough, you're chatting away with the sales clerks that you've gotten friendly with, without a care in the world.

[Robyn Katie]

Mány, I think I know what you mean.

That strange need to push into the danger zone ... To court danger that, if it materialized, would scare the panties off you. So Michelle, I think for some of us it's more than just venturing beyond our comfort zone, it's tapping into a part of ourselves that wants to run bad risks.

There's a difference between just 1) pushing the envelope and hoping to get away with it ... and 2) Heart-pounding excitement to expose yourself to something reckless, perilous and undefined that could include bodily harm or worse.

I've felt the latter, a lot. Because I'm timid I don't push it much, but that unholy excitement is deeply familiar. I've often wondered why and wherefore, because it has a thrill far beyond any possible reward. As if you've tapped into the major hidden nerve of life itself, sexual life I suppose, but perhaps something that even goes beyond sexual drama into the unknown.

Like you, Mány, I wonder about this. It feels as if it comes from deep in the autonomic nervous system, and I've never seen anyone explain it or even acknowledge it. I'd love to know if anyone has any insights into this emotion and experience.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Mány B]

Thank you, Robyn, for expressing more exactly the feelings I sometimes get.
I would like to add that some action at one time seems reasonable and straightforward but later on would be perceived as extremely perilous. Could it be a sign that our personality is really "split"?
Thanks for the reply; yours as well, Michelle!

[DonnaT]

Sometimes it's for the adrenaline rush.

Sometimes, I feel, it's like a kid being told not to touch something, and now they just have to touch it.

There seem to be boundaries, and it's natural for many to not want to be limited by the boundaries. So we ask ourselves, "why the hell not?!" Then we challenge the boundaries.

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

*shrugs* i dunno I think there technically should be no danger zone as we aren't doing anything wrong or unusual and in most cases nothing that really changes who we are so erm i think the only danger is caused by other people's prejudice and they ahve no right to judge us so I don't see this edge of a cliff really in this particular context or at least thats the way it should be. i suppose embarrassment is an element whether we should have it or not but don't let it make you think that you shouldn't do what makes you happy.

[Gillian]

Sometimes it's for the adrenaline rush.
Only sometimes???
It's like that scared shuffle into the womens' section at the department store the first time you get up enough courage to do it...it's not so hard the next time, and the time after that, and soon enough, you're chatting away with the sales clerks that you've gotten friendly with, without a care in the world.
That second comment says it all. I loved the rush of panty shopping, and over the years it changed to chatting with the sales clerk.
I think that it is in the human nature to push the limits,Thats how they ended up on the moon. There is also knowing ones own limits, and that is for you to figure out.

[Carolynn]

Maybe sometimes it is the adrenaline rush of nearly getting caught, then again maybe it is a subconscious desire to be caught, and the motivations for this can be several, and the results severe. These motives could range from no longer having to hide yourself from your mate, neighbors, family, etc., to being able to experience the sense of shame (yes there are people who are sufficently masochistic to want to be publicly humiliated, as a sexual turn on). Unfortunately, in all cases, it is necessary to be sure because this is a genie that once uncorked, the cork can't be put back in, no "really, it was just a joke, not real", etc. words that put things back again, "no do overs".

Planning for the possibility of unexpected exposure can present an opportunity to grow for the individual, just as deliberately coming out can, but it can also cause lives to come apart if it is not planned for. So be careful what you wish for, and be cautious about "tickling the tiger's tail" or "dicing with fortune". You should indeed know yourself, and know that you can survive unexpected exposure. If you want to be caught, think about why you find that a thing, is it for the reality of a fantasy, or is it time to simply have the courage to come out?

Going out, pushing boundaries a bit at a time, those can help to a degree, but the rush can also become addictive and lead some people to pushing more and more and more until the rubberband breaks.

Carolynn

[Virginia]

I remember posting about my attending a "Pride" dinner/dance at an up scale ballroom and asking the question, what would any of my sisters do if they were asked to dance, by either a male or female? The responses were about what I would have expected.

I went and I was asked to dance. The person was a good looking gay guy and I know he read me (its called gaydar) but I looked "hot" and I did not hesitate to take his hand and let him lead me to the dance floor. It was a slow dance, but he was a true gentleman and danced at such. He thanked me for the dance, led me back to my table, held my chair for me, smiled and walked away. Those gay guys can charm your panties off and I only mean figuratively (well each to their own). I danced with a couple of other guys that evening, (all the girls = GG's seemed to have dates or partners) so I was not asked by any GG's.

I enjoyed myself, did not feel the least bit out of place, threatened or anything. I was just a woman and was treated as such.

I guess what I am saying is listen to yourself, the woman inside you, she will tell you where she wants to go.

Virginia

[NieA]

Many, I dont think youre like pushing it, I mean in the sense that I dont think youre out of control, yu seem just fine to me.

But as for the question, I have felt like im pushing the limit when im like spending hundreds of dollars on things that i dont really em.... need that much ehhhhhhh... but I think thats a dilemma thats a bit common.

You know, ive been thinking about this topic while I was at the mall. these people who would mock me, I thought to myself who are they... I mean, they notice something negative about me? are they any better??? I mean, why should i feel like puny or something just coz of these narrow-minded retards, i mean that alone makes them less of a human in my opinion. I dont see why I should let strangers rule me and prevent me from doing what i want in my life, if they mean something to me maybe but...

[Absaroka]

I ask myself these same questions. They are good questions with different answers for each of us, and we individually also will no always have the same answer.

Zari

[Erica S]

I do feel the flush in my skin as I go into the women's section and start looking for clothing in my size. I want to get more and at the same time want to leave quickly. I have gotten more nerve and stay and look. I enjoy looking and seeing what is there. I don't think most people care what I am doing. Part of doing this invokes the idea that I will be caught and now I can be open about it all. I am not sure how it affects everyone else but I know I do not wish to stop, but the drive is there to feel natural about shopping for clothing, makeup or what ever I need. Each time we are out as a family or just the two of us I look/glance to the women's section and see what it is I would like to get. I don't really care about male clothing anymore. If I never wear another male piece of clothing it would be fine with me.


To answer your question, I think we do it to be seen and get more comfortable and maybe get caught.

I do it because it feels right!!!!

Hugs,

Erica

[KimberlyS]

A person's comfort zone with CDing is really not different from everything else we do in life. If we are comfortable doing it and like doing it we are more likely to do it more.

[Bernice]

I'm not convinced. I think that experience going out can make us safer going out, knowing the risks so to speak. OTOH, in my own case, I think I have much less tolerance for risk than I had ten or twenty years ago, and so I go out en-femme a lot less than I used to, and I am much more guarded about what I do.

Sure, I miss it, but I also miss the lighter, healthier body I used to have, and wearing the clothes that no longer fit.

Shucks, I put on dude clothes tonight, just to put the top back on the car after dark no less.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Elizabeth]

Hi Girls,

I don't see it as a desire to get caught or pushing boundaries at all. I think it takes an incredible amount of energy to keep this a secret. I think over time we just get wore out. It feels so good to dress up and be who we are that it kills our desire to keep it secret.

Not because we want to get caught, but because we just want to feel good. I remember a time when I finally had to ask myself what was going to be worse. Not being who I was, or the opprobrium of being myself. It turned out that laziness won. What takes the least effort is not to care.

So I have the deepest admiration and respect for those who continue to hold their boundaries. I know the effort it takes to do that. I just could not do it any more. Not because I wanted to face all of this but because I just didn't have the energy to keep hiding it.

So I see the pull we feel to cross boundaries is not one of tempting fate but the pull to let our guard down and just be. It is only when we stop to consider the cost that we realize what it would mean to let our guard down. And the dread we feel when we continue to keep our guard up. Even if we must do so with a smile on our face.

Love always,
Elizabeth