The right to impose?

[Mány B]

In a relationship it would seem natural that both partners are interested in one another. I came out to my wife before our marriage as I thought she had the right to know that aspect of me. I must say that at that time I thought my marriage would "kill" my crossdress desire -and I told her so-, which of course it did not. So she knows about it and knows I continue to crossdress and is tolerant but not too supportive. Sometimes I wonder if I have a sort of 'right' to impose her to be more interested in the theme of crossdressing? If she is really loving and caring about me would she not normally be expected to explore that important part of me by reading about it or starting a discussion? I must admit that I myself am not the one who would start a conversation easily, but I remember on the rare occasion of bringing up the subject that the discussion died very quickly. I don't want to blame my wife here as we generally go on well,... but would I be entitled to more?

[DonnaT]

Entitled? No.

But I agree, you'd think an SO would want to know more, rather than act in a DADT manner.

And we would expect some understanding based on that knowledge, but we should also understand an SO's feelings as well. Mutual respect.

Problem is, if she/he won't try to learn more, is close minded, it makes it harder to respect their feelings.

[Elizabeth]

Many,

I use the word "entitled" very sparingly as I don't find very many things that one is in fact "entitled" to. I believe you are entitled to bring it up and have any discussion about your dressing that is relevant to both her and you. One is never entitled to the actions of another.

You can ask her to read. You can provide her with things to read. You can give her web addresses of places you would like her to visit. But in the end, it's up to her to read them and engage with you.

As far was what you are entitled to, well? Like the rest of us you get to live, die and pay taxes.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Ms. Darla]

My wife can be supoertive when she wants and then we go months where we dont talk about it. She is ok when there isn't too much going on in life but my dressing is the first thing out the window when we have a lot going on.

Take it easy and let her find a comfortable place in her mind for it. YOU told her it would go away and now you say you want to dress again. Let her get comfortable with where your relationship is now going. Pushing the issue may drive you apart.

I find that with time my Wife is more tollerent and willing to let me do just a little more, if we discuss it first. Everything in time, walk in her shoes for a while.

[Mány B]

I hope you don't fear I will really be "imposing" any right I might have or not have. I was just asking myself the question in a more philosophical way.
I agree with Elisabeth on the term "entitled" maybe being too strong. Perhaps I should change the question like: Does mutual love have to go so far as to expect the partner to be interested in every aspect of the other?
love to you and thank you for sharing opinions.

[Karren Hutton]

You can love someone and they love you but that doesn't mean you love what they love to do and visa versa.. Or should expect them to love what you do... Imho. Yeah love is blind and all that but marriage is a partnership... A fragil partnership that can be broken by the vote of only one member... Not the vote of both... So its like you do together what ever both of you like and you do separate what each of you like... What you can't do is "force" the other to do what they don't like...

[Rebecca Debra]

M'any B, I have been married for over 44 years to the same woman. My wife found out about my cd one night when I had a night mare. She too tolerated it. But she has for the past 2 years been supportive of me ( just so it does not hurt anyone else). If you and your wife talked about it before you both married, She should have said something then. She must love you very much to marry you after you poured your heart out to her.I hope that you both can find a solution. Maybe if you both sat down together and talked, it maybe all you need. I pray you both have a good and happy life together. Life is not a tug of war. It is the nurturing of each other when the other is either in low spirits or is in pain.
I do not know you both nor can I see in your hearts. I just pray I have help both of you. Sincerely Rebecca Debra

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

my angel knows i 'butch it up' quite a bit as hes seen me and he knows i wear boxers and stuff. he tolerates and doesn't care as long as I'm femme for him.
its important for partners to accept you and know you but doesn't mean they will have shared interests necessarily. we both like world of warcraft but he hates japanese food. knowing and accepting and joining in and wanting a full slideshow of information on the subject aren't the same thing.

[Rose]

How about just leaving this site up on the computer one day, and just leaving it? Perhaps on the the section for the SO's? Your wife would see that you are not the only CDer around (not by a long shot!) and would also find a place for other SOs in her situation. Good luck!

Rose

[Elizabeth]

Hi Many,

Yes, I don't think there is anything wrong with having aspects of one's life that do not involve one's spouse. I play guitar, I love physics, I like to listen to new bands that no one ever heard of. My wife has things that do not interest me. She draws and paints among other things.

Sharing our lives does not have to mean sharing every aspect. I don't mean keeping secrets, but not forcing each other to participate in things that really do not interest us. Which is not to say one can not do some things once in a while, even if it does not interest us.

There are many SO's who do not object to "their man" dressing in women's clothing, as long as they don't have to see it. For some it shatters their image of "their man".

Here is some of the theorized psychology about this. It's theorized that men live their female identity vicariously through their SO's and their SO's live their male identity vicariously through their husband/SO.

So if the normal outlet for these feelings closes down, i.e., husband crossdressing or SO is tomboyish, these can leave these needs unfulfilled. The crossdresser with the tomboy wife may be crossdressing to fulfill this need to express his female self.

The wife of the crossdresser may be so uncomfortable with her husband crossdressing because of not being able to express her own maleness. And for others it's a biological need to feel protected by a "man".

So if your SO says she really does not want to be involved with your crossdressing, it may be a good idea to respect those wishes.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Mány B]

I'm not planning to force anything on my wife against her will but on the other hand I don't want to continue hiding everything as this comes close to betraying. So, lately I started to hang my female clothes in my closet just like my other men's clothes, not caring to hide them and sometimes when just wearing a skirt and hearing my wife coming I just didn't want to hide it or quickly change, so she "caught" me a few times and I must say reacted rather neutrally -maybe this is forcing?- I have not yet fully dressed in front of her, that's yet a step too far.
I think I'm just jealous of those of you who share a lot more with their SO's and seem to improve their relationship a lot by doing so. Thinking of it it somewhat like greed, we always want more.

P.S I also play guitar(basic level) and like physics.

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

neutral is fine in fact isn't that pretty good. she doesn't mind or care and didn't react in shock so that seems pretty fine

[Georgia(SO)]

For some of us SO's, the best we can do is be neutral. I don't particularly care for my sweetie's girl side (and *she* isn't too fond of me either). I would never dream of telling him to cut out the dressing, but I am really certain he doesn't want me to fake it either. So, when he puts on girl clothes, I am neutral - just as I say nothing if he is wearing jeans and a T-shirt. It just is what it is and that is what he happens to be wearing that day.

I have said it many times here - accepting does not equal enjoying. Accepting means just that - accepting that it is what it is and that it is not going to change and that it is not wrong or freaky or anything, and that you are not going to try to change it.

If she enjoyed your dressing, I suspect you would know it. So, in these cases, neutral does equal loving.

-g(so)