I see a shrink

[Wendae]

Yesterday as part of an agreement with my wife I asked my doctor to recommend a psycologist familiar with crossdressers and that it be a woman. For me it was traumatic telling her I was a crossdresser as I've only told 3 people, two of which have passed away. I was so stressed I was getting chest pains. Of course the hangover wasn't helping. I"ve been drinking heavily, can't sleep and have developed the shakes and tremors. I'm hoping that she can help me get my wife to understand what her denial is doing to me. As a up side at least I'll have someone I can talk to.
The whole time I was talking to my doctor I was so afraid I'd break down in tears. A 200 pound, ex-military type in tears. How embarrasing. Crying is not something I do. Anyway I didn't but on the way home in the car tears started flowing. I make an appointment with my shrink soon. By the way I just submitted a story called "I See a Shrink."

[DonnaT]

I"ve been drinking heavily, can't sleep and have developed the shakes and tremors.

Why? Why cause yourself pain? Why punish yourself? Why put your life in jeopardy?

[Wendae]

After 45 years of marriage and all the trials that go with it I want to find a solution. It's unfortunate that it is affecting me this way. I'm a real empath and I can feel emotions and that backfires on me. Anyway I'm hoping for a solution soon. Thanx for your concern.

[Carolynn]

Wendae, I have not been in your exact situation, but lived with the conflict of my TSvs "the need to be normal" for about 60 years before I couldn't go on without a resolution. I can attest to the physical results of long term stress, and the way it can cause severe anxiety reactions. I do not know if your therapist can help you with your wife, but if she is a good one she may well be able to help you deal with the conflict. I am glad you asked for a woman, as I think they are more intuitive and more caring and actually listen when compared to a male therapist. Just be open with her. You will not be telling her anything she hasn't heard before from others, just you may feel like you are breaking new ground. It's just new ground for you, and it is high time you had some help.

Love, Carolynn

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

please don't be sad I'm sure it will be ok. will check out story soon mate xxx

[Anita]

After 45 years of marriage and all the trials that go with it I want to find a solution.

I'm choosing to focus on this part of it, Wendae, and I hope you can begin to find a solution. There is nothing like pain (both physical and emotional) to spur you on to taking action. It seems like it's not just your problem, though that's a good place to start. Eventually you and your wife may need to see a therapist together, because it's very hard to work out long-standing problems without some sort of outside help. But you're getting the help you need right now.

[Wendae]

Tears are becoming more frequent and I feel like a wimp. My appointment is in 2 days.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Wendae,

Going to therapy is not something one should be worried about. The key is the right therapist. Don't settle for any therapist who wants to "fix" you. That is not what therapy is all about. If the therapist wants you to stop crossdressing, it's the wrong therapist.

That is not to say you might not be open to some sort of compromise about when and where to dress. I mean the whole idea is get your life back to a point where you feel happy and secure in your relationships.

Sometimes in our lives we get "stuck". We stop making decisions for fear of what those decisions might mean. So we do nothing. And we keep doing nothing until we are completely stuck in a lifestyle we never imagined for ourselves.

One where we are unhappy and seemingly can not do anything about it. But the problem is not what to do. The problem is making the decisions. The therapist does not get to make the decisions and anyone that tries is the wrong person. The therapist is the person that shows us how we can cope with the decisions we make.

I did not want to face the end of my marriage. I knew it was going to be ugly so I avoided it. It left me in an unhappy relationship and my desire to be female had no consideration at all. The therapist taught me how to stop the incorrect thinking patterns that led me to self pity, anger, and poor decision making.

That allowed me to make the decisions I made. But the therapist did not make any decisions for me. Not about crossdressing and certainly not about getting divorced. Those were decisions that I was afraid to make because I was afraid of what would happen. My life was paralyzed.

So don't fear. What you do is always in your control.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Hi Wendae--
It may take a while to "thaw out" your feelings--they may have been buried for a long time. Even though you react to others, and feel their feelings, you may have to get re-acquainted with your own. Just a thought that came to me reading this thread again.

One where we are unhappy and seemingly can not do anything about it. But the problem is not what to do. The problem is making the decisions.

Thanks for reminding me of this, Elizabeth.

[KimberlyS]

Wendae I am glad you were able to tell your doctor and get a reference to talk with someone. I can relate to the shakes and using drinking to go to sleep. I finally asked my doctor for some sleeping meds and it works much better. You can not change your wife's denial. You can only change how you deal with it. I hope it goes well for you.

[Carol Ann]

Hay Wendae,
Hon have been there done that and believe me boo's is not the answer,
I broke down and seen a shrink and believe me he done wonders for Carol.

Be brave and tell all so the doctor has all the information she needs to work with you.

[Wendae]

Thanks for all the support. My insurance covers it all which is a relief. I go back next week. She seems nice enough.

[KimberlyS]

I go back next week. She seems nice enough.

How did it go this week. In order for it to help you must be comfortable with the shrink and the shrink must be comfortable with you. And it must be to the point you can open up to the shrink and the shrink can ask pointed questions to make you think and open up more. It is very much an interactive relationship and should not be one sided. Your appointment should get you thinking when not in your appointment and reflecting within.

If it is not comfortable or working look for a different one. I had two where the shrink could not deal with or was not fully comfortable with me. Gave me a place to vent but upon getting a shrink that was a good fit the first one was worthless and second was not much help.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[April Rose]

Wendae, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I believe you are a wise and sensitive person, and you are handling this situation wisely.

Years ago, I was greatly helped by a very open minded and perceptive woman therapist. My process of finding the right one was similar to Kimberly's, though, and I went through several. This is a serious, adult, collaborative experience. She has to be able to create the chances to open up your thinking, and you have to have the courage to take those chances.

It's a Journey, and I applaud you for having the insight and heart to take it.

[Absaroka]

Wendae I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

I went to see a shrink several decades ago and then again a few years ago for other issues. However on the grounds that if I keep secrets from my shrink then I am paying someone good money to listen to me lie, I told him about my CDing. We had a number of interesting conversations about it. I found some of his thoughts on it to be very intriguing, and the experience of talking about it openly and animately in a f2f situation was wonderful. For myself, I have always been glad it was another male. After all how is a woman going to relate to a mans desire to wear womens clothing? But I think that this was mostly a function of me liking that particular shrink.

A couple of thoughts. A good shrink will probably piss you off a great deal from time to time. They will bring up ideas that aren't relevant, (in my case, since my girlfriend at the time, now wife, was a fag hag, was I gay) simply because they don't yet know you well enough. Also they will want to talk about stuff that we really don't want to think about, much less talk about.

One of my favorite memories (now) was my shrink many many years ago telling me I had no reason to be afraid of failure, since I had proven myself to be so very good at it. At the time this was true. He suggested that I was in fact afraid of success.

The other thought, already addressed here, is that drinking will not solve anything. I'd go further and say that if you get to the point of tremors and frequent hangovers, that the drinking may be in danger of aquiring a life of it's own independently of any of the issues that made it attractive. And of course there is the nagging feeling that someone is controlling our lives when in reality it is not someone, but something. You'll want to force yourself to be brutally honest with your shrink about this.

I hope therapy is helpful. I personally think of my therapist as a gift from God. I told him that once and he got all embarrassed, which was pretty funny.

Therapy takes time. Expecting it to work quickly is like expecting it to work the was drugs and alcohol do. It's not like that.

I've really enjoyed your comments here. Please keep us informed and I hope it goes well. And I hope you will find some peace, and in the short term less despair.

Zari