Coming Out

Billie · Post by **Billie** » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:20 pm

Hello =]

I really feel i should let my family know i crossdress, but i can't bring myself to say anything or i just chicken out =[. I'm honestly quite scared of what my dad will think since he is very critical on such matters.

If anyone can shed some light on my situation it will be most appreciative!

Bye , Billie

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 12:09 am

Nobody can tell you whether or not you should come out, or how to go about it. Ultimately, you have to make the call based on your situation and the people around you. What we can do is give you things to think about to help you make an informed decision.

I can say that, for myself, one of the questions that took a while for me to answer was possibly the most important one: why? Why was I coming out to people in my life in the first place, what was it that I was hoping to accomplish by doing so? If you can't answer that you can't evaluate whether your approach is going to achieve your objective.

The aspect I did get a better handle on early in the process was learning to talk about (or write about) the things that were relevant to my audience. We usually start by trying to get across all the things that are important to us, but that's largely irrelevant and very difficult for your audience to relate to since they don't have a frame of reference to understand what you're going through. It's important to approach it from their perspective. What does it mean to them? Are you asking them to support you in any particular way? Change the way they interact with you? If you don't have these answers yet you may not be ready to start that conversation.

You'll also need to recognize that their reaction is largely out of your control. It's quite possible the reaction will be negative, either initially or after they've given it some thought. Are you prepared for that possibility? If not, again, I'd suggest you need to give it some time and better prepare yourself. It could be a wonderful, affirming conversation, but you can't count on it.

Best wishes, and by all means keep writing here as you think about taking this step. I don't regret having done so myself, but I have essentially lost the relationship I had with my father. Other people in my life have been very supportive, but you never know for certain.

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 4:27 am

Hi Billie

I wish anyone could tell you "Now is the time" but we cannot.

You have the perfect place to go and meet other CDers in Manchester. Manchester Concord meets every Wednesday upstairs in New York New York at 94 Bloom Street M1 3LY. The website is here http://www.manchesterconcord.org.uk/index.htm

I am a member there and try and stop in at least once a month. You will be welcomed there, go drab or dressed, no one will mind. There are people on the door who will help you and your first visit is free. Wednesday night is the night we take over the village in Manchester. You will see dozens of us tottering around in heels

. I hope to see you there sometime.

Best wishes

Rikki · Post by **Rikki** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 10:03 am

Susan,
That looks like a great place/group! Wish I lived closer.

Rikki

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 2:13 pm

It sounds like you're not quite ready for it. Do you have someone, not in your immediate family but close to you, that you might risk sharing with?

They might be able to give you a kind of informed outsider's advice - like if it were an aunt or someone. Of course someone you think might be prepared to keep your secret.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Wed Jan 05, 2011 10:27 pm

Hi Billie. One of cohorts asked a similar question except about coming out to an older child. You have to weigh the expense for example, do you care if that person ever talks to you again? Do you need approval or just the chance to drop the secrecy? I have a write up on my web site that may provide some more help -- I hope it does. See http://davita-farley.webs.com/how_to/howout.html.

Remember, there is no rush unless you're going to pop. That's one of the reasons why I would come out.

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 8:39 am

Hi Davita,

Thanks for the link above. It came close to home as Ii was considering coming out to some friends. So far, I have been very lucky, especially with my SO (Paula). She has been most understanding and helpful, and I love her dearly.

I did come out to two of my neighbors - two widowed ladies who both have accepted Lydia easily and casually, and have not spread the news to any other of my neighbors.

The test is to use the military phrase "need to know". I have to be careful about going out en femme, because many people in town know me personally and professionally. With regard to coming out, I ask myself (and Paula) do these people really need to know about my CD? Will it enhance or, possibly, damage the friendship? I am also concerned if my coming out would embarass Paula. By the way, she is convinced that I would pass effectively as a "mature" lady. However, I am an abject coward with the thought that I would be recognized "in drag".

We are trapped by society's mores that conflict with our needs. We have to evaluate the power of these needs and how much compromise they will stand. We must be prepared for "slings and arrows" and, indeed, rejection.

In any case, I recommend a careful reading of Davita's link.

Hugs,

Lydia

Gillian · Post by **Gillian** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:19 am

Once a secret is out of the bag, so to speak, it is impossible to get it back into the bag. I agree with the military "need to know" point of view. The question that needs to be asked is, what is to be gained by telling others? From the prospective of a married man telling his SO, I think that is the right thing to do. Marriage is a totally different situation from yours. Secrets that can hurt someone else, or damage relationships are best kept close, and undisclosed. If you are looking for acceptance, then you are in the right forum for that.

Kittie · Post by **Kittie** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:18 pm

Gillian wrote:Once a secret is out of the bag, so to speak, it is impossible to get it back into the bag. I agree with the military "need to know" point of view. The question that needs to be asked is, what is to be gained by telling others? From the prospective of a married man telling his SO, I think that is the right thing to do. Marriage is a totally different situation from yours. Secrets that can hurt someone else, or damage relationships are best kept close, and undisclosed. If you are looking for acceptance, then you are in the right forum for that.

I completely agree with you!
My wife accepts what I do & is helpful with advice

Billie · Post by **Billie** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 7:12 pm

Thank you so much for the advice. i'll keep quiet about my crossdressing at the moment. untill i know im ready and my significant others are as well : )

i'll have to try and go to that Manchester meeting although i worry if i'm the yougest there?.

billie

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:29 am

Billie wrote:Thank you so much for the advice. i'll keep quiet about my crossdressing at the moment. untill i know im ready and my significant others are as well : )

i'll have to try and go to that Manchester meeting although i worry if i'm the yougest there?.

billie

Billie

Wednesday night in the village sees all age groups mixing and socialising together. I have seen plenty of younger people there. Do not worry, Mary and the girls are well used to welcoming nervous people. One funny thing about us is we like to help others like others helped me when I started. I wish you well.

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 8:11 pm

Hi Billie,
I won't presume to suggest what you should do, I will only offer for consideration what I have done. There is the military concept of "need to know" but there is the Tricia concept of "need to care". Tricia is my niece, and one time I was admonishing her and her siblings for playing football in their fathers house (my brother) and wrecking everything. At which point she said " my dad doesn't care if we wreck the house, he is the one who cuts up deer on the kitchen table. There is just nobody in this house who needs to care."
So I've adopted that concept. There are a lot of people who will tell you that you should do this or that. My first question has now become, does this person have a need to care? That isn't the same as whether they do care, or think they should care, or believe they have a reason to care.

I did not "come out" to anyone. I merely decided that I would wear what I please, when I please. Some people have asked "are you wearing a @&%*!$ dress??" To which I merely answer, "of course, isn't it obvious?" I refuse to let them apply their preconceptions to me. I didn't sign up for any of their crazy ideas, and I'm not bound by them. An analogy I like to make is "when you watch only the TV shows that I approve, then I will consider wearing only the clothes you approve." It is just that silly and insignificant.
Considering how much of the modern culture I do not approve of, I figure that I'm not even coming close to even if modern culture's biggest complaint about me is my choice in clothing.

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:19 pm

Hi Billie,
Keep in mind: When you "out yourself" to someone, you also "out" them as well. Your secret becomes their secret.
I place in high regard the secrets I keep. If I'm entrusted to something said in confidence, I try my best, my absolute best, to honor that agreement. This can be a burden for some. Not everyone is good at keeping secrets.

Just more food for thought. Weigh your options, and trust your instincts. They've helped you thus far.

Hugs,
Kyra

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:41 pm

Kyra said:

Keep in mind: When you "out yourself" to someone, you also "out" them as well. Your secret becomes their secret.

That's very true and so to help unburden my friends, I tell them that yes, it's a secret, but they can tell there SOs. I tell them I just don't want the entire world to know. I also tell them that there are others that know so they aren't the only ones keeping the "secret". I tell them if people ask them about me and they are uncomfortable, simply tell those people it's okay they come directly to me and ask. I tell my friends they do not have to make excuses for me or lie.