Crossdressers-Haven.com

As some of you are aware, I have been having a hard time getting over the walls that I have built over a lifetime of self denial and hiding.

Hiding my femininity has been a meticulous and well planned effort. I have done it too well.

I came out to my wife before we were married and it seemed far to good to be true that she accepted me and that there were, seemingly, no problems on her part.

Tonight, I found out that there really were no problems on her part. The problems are within me. Well, I knew that. On some level, I knew that. It all draws back to those walls of self denial and wanting to hide my self. All along, it would appear I have been hiding from myself.

She has no problem with my dressing as long as it is confined to our home. I most certainly can live with that.

Dreading her arrival from work, not wanting to revert to drab. Resenting her days off as I could not free myself from drab in her presence. Depression driving me deeper and further toward self destruction. Selfish of me to apply fear that had no basis.

All the time, my dread of simply communicating to her what was really happening, was making my life into a hellish prison of my own construction.

Simple, verbal, communication.

I have often thought "what if the situation were reversed?" And the answer always comes out the same. As long as we are together and there is love, what does it matter? It doesn't.

So, if I ever seemed to any of you ladies that I 'have it together' nothing could be further from the fact of me. I don't.

Right now, I have it more together than it ever has been and that is something!

Andrea Elise

Sounds a lot better. Good to hear you've a better understanding of self.

Isn't it so nice to be able to breath again? That light at the end of the tunnel is warm, huh?

Just remember, don't soar too high too fast. Pace yourself and you're being fem with the better half. Fortunately you will find that as the restrictions are reduced, your urgency will reduce as well.

Glad things are better for you.

Hi Andrea,
It's almost funny how we seem to be our own worst enemy. For a long time I was in a similar situation. I told my wife before we were married, but seeing how she handled it then caused me to hide it instead of explaining. (poor communication skills, i guess) I put up walls that weren't really necessary. The consequence was this: In hiding this part of myself from my wife, I was deceiving her. My lying broke a trust between us and THAT was very difficult to overcome. Thankfully, I had the sense to finally start talking to her and we've worked things out.

I'm glad to see things working in your favor, too. Communication is the key. If something bothers you, talk about it. Likewise, don't forget, the things that make you happy should also be discussed. Don't forget that. Oh, and remember that relationships are about more than one person.


Hugs,
Kyra

Gald you are makeing progress. You have a wonderful careing wife.

The walls that we build to "protect" ourselves can also be the walls that destroy us.

Leeza

Davita,

Your thoughts are well taken. No danger of soaring to high here. At first, I felt like kid in a toy store with my own credit card. Then reality came knocking. The reality of my wifes feelings, the reality of my own comfort level.

It's me that has the brakes applied, not my wife. It's me that has to get by my own inhibitions. She seems fine with it. In fact, she is far more at ease than I am.

Hugs,

Andrea

Hi Kyra,

I am finding out that trust comes with communication. I refuse to lie to, or hide things, me, from my wife.

You are exactly right about communication. It is vital and not to be ignored!

I am so glad you and your wife are discussing things. Best wishes to you both!

Hugs,

Andrea

Donna, as usual, you have a way with few words.

Thanks,

Andrea

Thanks, Leeza,

My wife is, indeed, a special person. If I could build real walls as well as my mental ones, I would be rich!

Hugs,

Andrea

All the time, my dread of simply communicating to her what was really happening, was making my life into a hellish prison of my own construction.

Simple, verbal, communication.

Hi Andrea--
It can be simple, when it's practiced often and is a habit. But trying to bring up a subject that has not been approached in a long time is a task. To begin with, the timing on such a subject never seems right. It has the potential to disrupt things so badly that you'll need four or five hours to sort it all out--(I've been there many times; I know this is true for me and my partners).

So when do you and your wife have five hours to spare? On vacations, on weekends, and at other times when you just want to use all that time to relax.

More of the time, you've got maybe hour-long snippets between other needs and duties, and if you bring it up then, it ruins the day, but it doesn't get resolved at all.

So what usually happens is that the subject finally comes out by accident, and you and your wife spend a sleepless night talking, or you spend the five hours on that long vacation drive, or you leave a party and sit in the car parked on a street. (I've been there, too. A local writer once wrote a whole column about those marriage arguments that happen in the parking lot or the driveway. You sit without moving for...oh, five hours or so.)

I'm sorry you lived with your own hell, but it's not uncommon at all. I'm just glad you got it resolved for now.

Hi Anita,

My wife and I do talk a lot. Yesterday, she mentioned how much fun it would be if we could go out to a restaurant, do some shopping and just spend a day not fussing about all the stuff that needs done. She mentioned that she wanted to do shopping for me, for Andrea.

So, my alter ego is talked about, but nothing happens. Last night I was getting my clothes out and she asked what I was doing. Told her that there were chores to be done that Andrea was good at. She was getting ready for bed and would not be up and not be exposed.

I have decided that I need to make it as much a part of our life as any other thing. No, not all the time, but definitely a part.

My wife acknowledges that Andrea and I are the same person, but it is easier for her to speak of us a separate individuals. Lately she has mentioned that it is hard for her to make that differentiation as she is realizing there is no difference.

In light of the above, I don't want to be drab, I prefer full time, but I can't (due to other circumstance, my wife's feelings at the forefront), which makes it hard.

I did not mean to imply that we do not talk. We talk all of the time. And, the subject of CD is not at all off limit.

I believe that my wife is trying very hard to accept me. I think that when she sees me dressed that she has a internal battle with her beliefs, she wants to accept me, but she is surprised, taken aback, for a moment, maybe briefly shocked. There is no doubt that she loves me.

That is why I catch that moment of brief disapproval. Or, you could say that I am expecting disapproval and seeing what is not there? Getting her to talk about that may be difficult.

My wife and I have very little time to talk face to face. Mostly, we talk on the phone. Our work schedules don't allow for face time. If I get up early, I might see her for a half hour before she leaves for work. Our days off never coincide, unless we take a vacation day just for that.

"We are the architects of our own hell." I should print that out in big letters and put it on the wall. But, it's getting better!

Thanks, Anita. I hope you have a really good day!

Andrea