Crossdressers-Haven.com

I don't know if you remember my story about me finally coming clean with my wife a couple months ago. My wife was surprisingly supportive and accepting. She let me shave my legs, did my makeup and we even went out shopping as girlfriends.

Many of you gave me a warm welcome and wonderful advice. Most of the advice centered on going slow with her, talking through the issue with her, always makes sure she is the focus of the attention. I followed that advice pretty closely and always had in the back of my head anytime the subject came up.

Everything seemed fine until 1 evening and I got angry cold shoulder from her for a few days. I had recently met another girl at a local Tri-ess meeting (Chi-chapter) and we were both new to the group. We hit it off really well and decided it would be a good idea to have dinner together as a couple with the wives there and in drab. This way our spouses could have someone to talk to and share feelings about cross-dressing.

Well, that sounded good, until at dinner I found out that their issue wasn't cross-dressing but that she wanted to go through full transition and now her wife was dealing with losing her husband. To compound the problem their son who is 25 just told them this year he wants to have a sex-change.

After I initially came out to my wife, she said her biggest fear is that I would want to become a woman. My stance was that I have been cross-dressing for years and when I 1st started it the thought crossed my mind but I've fully accepted who I am and I enjoy the male part of my life and would never consider transition.

The dinner sent her into depression and anger towards me. For the ~2 months before the dinner our relationship was the best it ever was in 10 years of marriage. Now I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I've started the process of trying to comfort her but the fear of me transitioning probably will never leave.

Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do to alleviate the fear? I've read a lot of really good advice on this site and any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.

Sara

Yeah, that fear is a hard one to overcome.

When you dress around your wife, do you go all the way, i.e., with wig and makeup, or are there times you might only wear a skirt?

If your always dressing fully, you might try it without the wig and makeup. She may ask why, and you can respond by telling her it's about the clothes more than wanting to be a woman, which is why you'd never consider transitioning.

Works for me. But the fear is still there, only it's not as depressing for her. More of an "in the back of her mind" type fear.

SaraSnow wrote:Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do to alleviate the fear? I've read a lot of really good advice on this site and any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.

The most important thing that comes to mind is to stop trying to alleviate her fear. What she's feeling is legitimate and any attempt to downplay it will almost certainly be interpreted as you not acknowledging or respecting her feelings on the subject. She needs your support and will appreciate nothing so much as your compassion in facing and understanding her fears, which won't come easily or quickly.

Don't make promises about the future, but do share your own feelings. What is it you like about being her husband? Does the idea of transitioning scare you, too, and if so can you share common ground by discussing both of your fears? Perhaps talking about it in the context of your son's announcement would be helpful. Show her that you have a healthy concern from a medical perspective and advise caution, a measured pace, and restraint on his part and you could reassure her that you wouldn't jump into anything suddenly yourself.

Best wishes. So much comes down to using your lifetime of experience with her as a guide that there's only so much others here can help with, but hopefully we can at least give you some ideas to think about.

DonnaT wrote:

Works for me. But the fear is still there, only it's not as depressing for her. More of an "in the back of her mind" type fear.

Donna, that's my goal is to send it to the back of her mind with the realization that is as far as it can go. To be honest I sometimes have that fear as well. I don't want to tell her I have that fear as well. I do not want to overwhelm her anymore that I have.

I have presented both ways, fully dressed w/wig and just an article of clothing or two. She didn't seem too freaked out all the way but I don't really know what's processing in her head. She did have a bad reaction after I wore a nightie to bed but this was a couple nights after our infamous dinner. She had more of a problem with me not asking then me actually wearing one.

Kimberly, I'm sorry I might have confused you, it was the couple's son who wanted to transition, not ours. That would of really made the situation bad. Our 3 boys are 8, 7 & 5, I can only pray they aren't wired as bad are their dad.

I am scarred about the future and all I know right now in my heart I don't want to fully transition. When I really started to dress 25+ years ago I did think I want to become a woman. That pretty much stopped after soul searching and exploring my female personna. Also a nice dissuader was a documentary I saw on HBO on the subject. It followed someone for a year b/f their surgery and a little after. This poor woman had a bad surgery and could never have a positive sexual experience and eventually committed suicide. I enjoy sex too much to risk doing that.

I'm not married, so I don't know how worthwhile this is going to be...

It strikes me that while she is worried about you transitioning, the fact that the son of the people you went to dinner with also wants to do so is likely to bother her. Like she thinks "OHMYGOD like father like son". That may be a fear (if she has it) that you can allieviate - in that my impression is that crossdressing (or transitioning) doesn't seem to be passed down in families. There might be some research you can do to bear that out.

People do change their mind about transitioning, so that would be why the worry would never go away (for you doing it). If it were me I would be as open about my emotions as I could be and hope that she would see that I was being honest - so that would at least allow to see that, right now, there is no problem.

Sara,
I think this subject was bound to come up at some time anyway, your friend may have hastened it but it needs to be dealt with sooner or later. I thinks it's good advice that you not try to dismiss her fears, or argue them away. I'm guessing that the only way she will really know is simply by seeing what happens over time. The truth is that there is a bigger risk of her losing her husband to a heart attack, car accident, etc. than to a sex change but we are always most afraid of those dangers that are most visible. So after a while she will undoubtably come to this conclusion and until then you need to give her all the consideration (or more) that you wish from her.
Alternatively, you could get really drunk and obnoxious watching football games and smoking cigars and making rude and bigoted jokes. Then she would be really, really glad you're not like that all the time.
OK, maybe not.

Ralitsa wrote:Alternatively, you could get really drunk and obnoxious watching football games and smoking cigars and making rude and bigoted jokes. Then she would be really, really glad you're not like that all the time.
OK, maybe not.

You forgot to fart loudly and admire your aroma you just left. Also scream, yell and break the TV when the Bears give away another game to the Packers! (saw your from WI)

SaraSnow wrote:
Any thoughts and ideas on what I can do to alleviate the fear? I've read a lot of really good advice on this site and any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.

Sara

I got involved with a CD/TG support group, years and years ago, and most of the members in it were of the belief that if you'd so much as walked through the ladies' clothing section in a department store, you were probably going to end up having SRS, 'it's just a matter of time', yada yada yada.

It seems to me, that your wife has seen an extreme example, in the case of your new friend and her family situation, and is just scared of that much of a change.

Everyone has talked about her fear. Maybe you could explain your fear of all that you would lose if you ever tried to transition. if you have thought about it, then the odds are good you thought of why you won't. Help her understand why if ever you had the thoughts that it would be too costly to consider. Then too you can fess up that yeah you had the thoughts. But they are not really different than her dreaming of what it would be like to be rich.

Just a thought. It may be closer to her concerns that you want to talk about, but it may help put your lives in perspective.

Think about if the tables were turned, she'd taken you to dinner with another couple where both the women liked to dress as men and explore their masculine side, and then their both the other mans wife and his daughter said said wanted to transition, and ask what would be helpful to you.

Wow, sounds like something I went through with my SO. Ever since we met a local couple a few years ago things have never been the same. He lived and breathed CDing and his wife was all for it. Great for them, not so much for us. His wife was someone that was looking for a CDer and my poor wife married one and would rather I didn't do it. Something happened in those few times that they went out together and my SO has never been the same towards CDing.
My wife tolerates it now but has zero interest in it anymore. It sucks but what can you do?

This is just my 2 cents, but as a lifelong cross dresser, with a wife who, in the past, has run hot and cold on this issue, what I think you should be doing right now is neither cross dressing stuff, or not cross dressing stuff, but rather making her feel like she is the center of your universe stuff. She will come to accept her partner's feminine ways, and not feel threatened by them, when she feels confident that she is more important than her partner's gender identity, more substantial than her partner's fantasy life.

Communication is great, but it has to be from the heart, otherwise it's just manipulation.

Hi Sarasnow

What happens when you broach the subject with your wife & reassure her that u enjoy CDing and have no wish or inclination to transition?

My wife is tolerant of me wearing lingerie, even in her company & to bed. She also knows I fully CD in private. Howevere she will not tolerate any progression beyond this. I guess she is also ultimately concerned that progress may eventually mean a transition.

Joan

Coming late to all of this. Probably patched up by now, but here are my thoughts.

Obviously you wife needs firm assurance that you are the same person she married and that having a gender drive which is capricious does not change who you are at the core of your being. Like you and many like us we have this fantasy in our head about actually having our own breasts, and perineum with a functioning clitoris and vagina sans all male bits - our twig and berries (old movie) but when the tide ebbs and runs in the opposite direction our male drive kicks in for a while. We never felt, at least I didn't at 3 or 4 years old that I was born in the wrong body, nor did I ever feel that there was nothing special about wearing dresses, etc or that they were just clothes. So, in the medical world the very long year of waiting and psychological sessions are there as a barrier for a very good reason. I have accepted personally that while I have fantasies, even perhaps some wishfulness about transitioning, I know objectively that it is wrong for me, would be regretted especially if like that person in your HBO special we lost forever the ability to experience pleasure during intercoarse. But you Wife should probably in discussions be very assured that Transexuals are quite different from transvestites and that you are comfortable being a man when you are in that mode.

I really like the term male lesbian - it is so true! Another fear is that you may be Bi, or Homosexual? She may need assurance that while you may or may not at all have on occasion some vague fantasies about it and what it would be like to experience sex as a woman - with a woman (personally), it is not for you and that you are only excited by women. That any idea of bedding with a male cause you to shut down, disgust, no interest at all - only in her!

The larger fear of course is - you have 3 young sons - personally I do not know if there are any statistics on any of this which would show any influence on our children that would lead them to start crossdressing or to become transvestites. Personally I do not believe either of my sons have such a desire, and one knows that I am a transvestite.

There are also limits beyond which we should not push our wives, and these limits vary from woman to woman depending on the acceptance and comfort level with all of this. Going out to eat in public with a CD friend and her SO may be s bridge too far for her. She may be more comfortable staying behind, or just giving you free rein within your home?

Anne