To Anne Bonny

[Anthony Simon]

In a current thread Anne Bonny wrote:

Sorry all of this is OT

Easily solved (if only everything were so amenable of solution). Now it has it's own topic. For the benefit of everyone else, this has to do with the problems Anne has with her wife who is suffering from a decline into dementia. A couple of months ago (?) this seems to have got substantially worse. Periodically Anne has talked about this in threads otherwise directed. But this is the worst it's got and really it needs another thread IMO). So...

Anne quoted Absaroka:

"You need to set your own boundaries with your MIL. It may help with forgiveness and your own inner peace however to remember that watching your child suffer from dementia must be incredibly anguishing. Accusing you of not taking care of your wife may be another way of your MIL wondering who will take care of her. "

And replied:

I know this - I shall not, she has a son, her sisters and brothers and family all of who live close together like a band of gypsies as my mother stated once or twice, there is even a "family compound" of sorts a la the godfather style without the crime as my MIL and several of the family all live together on part of their old farm. Yes, very nepotistic! We had 300 at our wedding!

Ah, this is your "wife's very conservative southern bible belted redneck family", who though nice you think would force a divorce and generally be nasty if you came out as a CD. I seem to also remember you quoting that line from Deliverance, "Squeal like a pig", which might have a bearing on this.

Anne continues:

This is useful advice, I suspect my wife's life long friends two very nice women are not taking sides but I sense they do believe I am wrong to take this tack - is that Pirate talk? My Mother in law uses me as a whipping post for all that is wrong with my wife and her standard or care is seemingly unatainable and the line moves futher along as I meet her outrageous demands. I walk on egg shells, and on occasion words with no intention set sparks flying as If I had touched a high power electrical line inadvertantly.

You'll pardon me (or maybe not) for saying that you're not listening to what you sense coming from your wife's friends, who, if nothing else, have your wife's best interests at heart. In other words, my reading of this is they feel you're on a tack (as we're into nautical metaphors) that is going to hurt your wife and they care.

As a Christian it is in sickness and in health, till death do we part but I am not sure of my obligation to a mother in law who has a son. She is no relation of mine I feel.

She's a relation of yours alright. She's your mother-in-law (nothing like stating the bleedin' obvious). And, moreover, she seems to have taken the opportunity of your wife's decline to act like the "classic" mother-in-law, straight out of every married man's nightmares.

I owe her no consideration as pertains to my life or ours (my wife's and mine) while it lasts only insomuch as to my wife she is her mother not mine and so there's an end to that fair thee well, or ill - I care not. Life is short, on the marrow I may die so It's a merry life but short. I shall live crying freedom! To do as I please to make of it what I will. Robinson Caruso alone, independent, self sufficient. Life will find a way. Life will come sailing, travel, fun, friends and acquaintences, perhaps love will come again to those who do not look for it? Alone, alone, all all alone, alone on a wide wide sea, and n'er a saint took pity on my soul in agony!

I suppose I like drama? Histrionic they call it - that's it! Life and Death, suffering and joy that is life.

Yeah, well. You're going to pay for the drama. Has it never occurred to you that your MIL is winding you up? She's poking you and provoking you, intensely upset as you are (and she doubtless is too) by your wife's decline, so that you BLOW UP. I know, I've been there, done that - with my mother provoking me. The difference is I didn't have dependents, so only I suffered. You do - apart from your wife, who her friends are concerened about, you also have two kids. You're not alone and self-sufficient in other words.

I do not keep my wife from her mother, as I see it any needs my MIL has can be perfectly met by her remaining son, her brothers and sisters and family surrounding her as they all live close. Till death do we part. I can be civil, and can meet objectively my duties but I do not have to be subject to verbal abuse and threats when I am providing the care and support few men I am told would give to their wife, the love of my life, the mother of our children, of whom in time our retirement which has been stolen from us I will not have her at my side to share the rewards of years of hard work and struggle together.

In my opinion (also based on family experience), if you can manage not to be provoked by your MIL, she will eventually stop the verbal abuse and threats to a large degree (she won't stop entirely). This is because they are a means to an end - that of getting you to explode. She's actually going to have to put a degree of effort into it - and, if you don't react, it won't be worth it. The other thing is time will allow you to work the other members of family around so that, if she keeps on bugging you, she'll just appear in a poor light - which she won't like.

The other thing is you need more external support. Zari suggested face to face contact with a support group for spouses of dementia victims - and that seems like a good idea. But you also need to tap into all your other available resources. I think you've got some sisters...

I doubt this enough, but please don't explode, Anne. It's not good for you.

[DonnaT]

Anne, it is known that people with Lewy body disease have cognitive problems (problems with thinking, memory, language, etc.) similar to those that occur in Alzheimer's disease.

However, people with a Chiari Malformation (like my wife) also have symptoms that mimic Alzheimer's and many time are wrongly diagnosed as having Alzheimer's.

Lewy body disease is similar to Parkinson's and can be detected by the Lewy bodies in the mid-brain region (like those with Parkinson's) and in the cortex of the brain.

I was wondering if a scan for Lewy bodies was done, how they arrived at Alzheimer's (if not Lewy body disease) and if they checked for a Chiari Malformation (rarely looked for, depends on the Neurologist)?

Common symptoms of Chiari Malformation are dizziness, vertigo, disequilibrium, visual disturbances, ringing in the ears, difficulty swallowing, palpitations, sleep apnea, muscle weakness, impaired fine motor skills, chronic fatigue and painful tingling of the hands and feet. Because of this complex symptomatology, patients with Chiari Malformation are frequently misdiagnosed.

[Ralitsa]

This is just my 2 cents, and I will qualify by saying I'm an utter failure with relationships so it is best ignored.....

Anne, you married your wife, you did not marry your MIL. At the moment that you married her, she became your responsibility and not your MIL's. I agree that you have no obligations to your MIL, but the truth is that you do have to deal with her, there is no getting around that. Donna has a really excellent point, it is very likely that your MIL has some cognitive problems as well as your wife.
But ultimately Anthony is right, she is trying to wind you up and get you to explode. Don't do it. I have a really good friend who is probably the best person I've ever met at dealing with every sort of person, and he would say "refuse to engage". So she is shooting across your bow (as long as we are talking naval warfare here) just keep sailing. Unless you think she has guns that can penetrate your armament, you are wasting your time shooting back.
In reality, since you are the one caring for your wife and who lives with her, you are in a much better position to decide what is best for her. Your MIL can have her opinion, but when did you sign an agreement to take instructions from her? There is absolutely no doubt that is must be terrible for a mother to see her child in such condition, maybe it's almost as bad as for a husband to see his wife in such a condition.
I know the sorts of people that live together in the family compound on grandpa's old farm, I won't publish my opinion about that in general. But typically they are ones who don't do much for themselves or anyone else, and live off what others have done. I think the last thing you need to worry about is them trying to force a divorce, because then they would have to care for your wife and they will never do that. These people only ever talk about how wonderful they are because they love their family so much, you don't need to worry about them ever actually doing anything. But they will talk a lot of trash about you and the only thing you can really do is ignore them. People who can do something don't talk about it, and the ones who talk the most are the ones who can't do anything. So it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but since you don't have the option of stringing them up from the yardarm, you just have to sail on straight into the weather.

[Anne Bonny]

Wow - show up days later and y'all have been working on this. The support here has always been outstanding. My brother in law does a lot of counseling and backs me fully, he states that his mother has a borderline personality and that I have to realize that I am not dealing with a normal person here. No signs of dementia in her yet. SO about two years ago I started to follow his advice NOT to feed into her inappropriate behavior and verbal abuse. My wife's friends told me she has screamed at them and said horrible things and at my wife as well. My wife told me early on that she Never wants to live with her mother or to ever be under her control - I am not going to let that happen. I believe I am being objective here. That is why on the phone the week prior to our planned Thanksgiving get together when she screamed at me over the phone . I told her she was being inappropriate and hung up, when she called back to scream at me to NEVER HANG UP ON ME AGAIN! and started up again I again told her she was being inapporpriate and hung up again. We celebrated Thanksgiving at home as a family. BUT I WAS VERY UPSET BY ALL OF THIS, talking on the phone to my wife's brother, emailing back and forth, even he decided not to come for thanksgiving. I am so glad my MIL lives about 80 miles away and is too old to drive over by herself. I just have not communicated with her pretty much my last words to her were "that's inapporpriate, this is the end of this conversation!" I cannot shut off the hurtful emotional effects of all of this on myself, my wife and my boys.

My wife had a PET Scan early on, and a 4 hour battery of questions, extensive testing with a very specialized neurologist who specializes in
Alzheimer's Disease. The PET scan (done with a rather large stiff dead cat of good quality) HA...whew would have been about $9000!!!!! but got it covered and paid for thank God! Anyway the Scan was consistent with Alzheimers with frontal and pariatal lobes effected, while the 4 hour battery of questions were not - His verdict - time would tell. Of Course AD is difficult to diagnose without an autopsy! Our internist is leaning toward Lewey body as her hallucinations are coming early rather than later, and she has parkinson-like symptoms (shuffling gait, sometimes talks through clenched teeth, flairs and stiffens her fingers when I am putting her watch on, has some tendency to hold her hand/arm in a position - a speech therapist noted. But she does not seem to have the symptoms you were speaking about with Chain's...sorry (SP)

I am seeing a counselor, have declined anti depressants, but have bought a 24'6" Morgan as a project to occupy my mind funny how tinkering and thinking about that helps, fortunate that I had a pool of money set aside for that and the boys are interested in the prospects of going out in her, and My wife and I have memories of sailing before our work buried all of this, well now we have time again, though I am not sure she will be able - we will see. There are also some elderly ladies at church who have experience with sitting and taking care of AD patients and Free-$10 per hour is much cheaper than $16 per hour or a minimum of 4 hours per visit and two required visits per month. I seem to be gitting support by talking with the brother in law, my sisters, Church, and here -

And I do apologize for doing this here, I should not be taking up space on this site talking about all of this, so I will try to keep this to Crossdressing from now on, but will respond if written to about this, thus it is probably good if no one responds to me on this topic. This incredibily dumb self-centered crossdresser would like to thank all of you from my heart I am very appreciative and grateful for your kind and caring support even on something which is not about crossdressing. Anne.

[SilverLady(SO)]

And I do apologize for doing this here, I should not be taking up space on this site talking about all of this, so I will try to keep this to Crossdressing from now on, but will respond if written to about this, thus it is probably good if no one responds to me on this topic. This incredibily dumb self-centered crossdresser would like to thank all of you from my heart I am very appreciative and grateful for your kind and caring support even on something which is not about crossdressing. Anne.

Anne -

That is what we are all here for: support, and supporting each other. This topic may continue as it has previously, I have absolutely no thoughts or plans to interfere, nor should anyone else.

Good luck with your MIL - I agree with how you're handling her and I've done the same thing with my own mother and ex-h the few times either of them have acted that way. In other words, don't reward her for bad behavior, and responding to her does just that.

Your wife, ahh, that's a terrible situation by itself, and I wish your family the best. It's good that you have an outlet for you and your sons, 'time away' from your wife's physical condition will help all of you in the long run.

We're here if/when you need us!!

- SL

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you so much. I suppose with stress some crossdress for relief, some believe it is effected by fluctuating male hormone levels, I have found I have gone mostly dormant now - cut my hair back to standard male, nail polish all gone, and not even under dressing.... BUT everything is put away for when the sun comes out again I suppose... Anne

[Absaroka]

Having had 2 parents who were institutionalized a number of times I can sympathize with you Anne. People like this can make everyone else around them crazy. It's very sad, and knowing how to handle it can be very confusing.

Zari

[Anthony Simon]

Thank you so much. I suppose with stress some crossdress for relief, some believe it is effected by fluctuating male hormone levels, I have found I have gone mostly dormant now - cut my hair back to standard male, nail polish all gone, and not even under dressing.... BUT everything is put away for when the sun comes out again I suppose... Anne

Well, there's a million different ways (that people CD)...I mean with me, often as not, it's when the sun goes in that I dress up - and I'm currently involved in an attempt to have the sun go up in the wider world by targetting that in a really intense way. And my relationship with it has definitely changed over time.

The thing is the further intensification of your wife's condition has brought you into a whole new zone. My impression is that you don't really know how to deal with it. One thing about the dressing up, in this iteration at least, is that it allows me to avoid thinking relentlessly about problems I can't solve.

[Anthony Simon]

Anne had this to say yesterday in another thread:

I am about to lose all who were closest to me, and somewhere in my late 50's will be completely alone except for my sons, one of whom is 19 and knows. Suffering from depression as my wife in the severe stage of alzheimers disease, though still very verbal and mobile. My "friends" were her's by extension as I really have very few on my own.

I'm really sorry to hear about this. It sounds like your wife's illness has taken a more serious turn and that the whole thing is kind of relentless. It must be like going through hell, slowly. What I'm going to say next may strike you as kind of bizarre, then. While, indeed, you are bound to be extremely sad and depressed, I feel, nevertheless, that there is a deep blackness in what you write that is unwarranted. It reminds me of a mood I get in where I simply try and hypnotize myself into despair.

When you say:

Women want 100% Men.

You know from your own experience with your wife that this does not necessarily hold. So my feeling is that currently the awfulness of what is going on is giving an unwarranted blackness to the way you look at the world as a whole.

[Anne Bonny]

This thread is still here!? Well, I am doing a very good job I am facinated three times completely different female professionals have told me "There are very few men who would do what you are doing!" literally in stunned amazement. the last one even stated "You are a Saint!" I myself am amazed by this. Perhaps it is because of my faith, I take it seriously, marriage is not to be entered into lightly. Marriage is a sacred bond, till death do we part. It is a point of honor, how can I not do what I am doing? I have lost crossdressing as a desire - little interest or pleasure in doing things. I am on Zoloft and Welbutrin, and Valium for sleep, see a counselor, my wife sees a psychiatrist as well. I have a letter from my wife's doctor which will allow me to access her retirement funds (the interest - I do not want to touch the principle) to pay for sitters on saturdays, I have another I pay who has difficulty meeting her bills to cover appointments, My sons, and have contacted the closest Alzheimer's support group - the doctor pulled back from Lewey body, and believes it is indeed alzheimers. I am using seroquel and klonopin to calm her through the day, but at some point that will no longer work. For Hospice she can't be able to say more than 4-5 words and be unable to walk or transfer without assistance. That is a ways off but the Psychiatrist guessed she may have 1.5 years?? but it is a guess based on experience. We have a routine. I receive support from my church. Tomorrow I am having rotator cuff repair and for the next two months will be taking care of her with one arm literally held in a sling. C'est la vie..... at least we survived the storm, and my sailboat came through without a scratch, further work will be halted for about 5 months, but the outside is pretty much complete except for replacing the prot glass in the main cabin. No sailing for a while..... Anne

[Rony]

Bravo anne Bonny, My father-in-law cared for his wife to the end, but she very calm and didn't require medication.
Hang in there.
Ronnie

[Anne Bonny]

My wife has been with her mother for the past 4 days, hum...I am all alone in the house can't do much but decided to put on my heels. I suppose the brief respite is working. I am ready for my wife to come back. But will not be crossdressing around her she does not need any stress added to her problems - calm, quiet, routine, and try to care for her as best I can.

[Leeza]

I too am a full time caregiver for my wife. Although our situations are a little different, there is still that responsibility to make sure we do what we can even if it means neglecting ourselves.

Anne said

There are very few men who would do what you are doing!" literally in stunned amazement. the last one even stated "You are a Saint!" I

I also have had medical personal say I was a saint and also a miracle worker in that I have been able to keep my wife at home. Her doctor expected her to be in a nursing home 2 years ago.

I overheard my SIL tell my wife that she was lucky to have me as 75% of the guys she knew couldn't handle what I have dealt with including her ex. (BTW my SIL knows I am a CD.)

I do think that having a fem side has helped me in dealing with the wife and her needs. The fem side is the caring and nurture side.

Until I started accepting my fem side as part of me I disliked her. Now I am glad I have the fem side. In looking back I can see where having the fem side helped me.

My prayers are with you as I know you need all the support you can get.

[Anne Bonny]

I secretly took the complement (made unknowingly to my feminine side) and also believe it has to do with having a feminine side which these ladies know nothing about - they are just mystified.

[Anne Bonny]

I believe I have and am making very full use of all the resources available to me as a caregiver and for my wife who is in the later stages of Alzheimers. Internal Medicine, Psychiatry, Psychologist, Medications for myself and for my wife, sitters professional and non professional and my sons. Phone calls to friends, blogging, and have adapted the house for safety - locks, switching off water under sinks, self closing front door, picking up tripping hazards and stowing away expensive breakable items when I see her picking them up. I had respit for 5 days when I had R shoulder surgery, and told my son "I had forgotten what normal is like - It's actually quiet, I can listen to the TV or doze in a chair, or do whatever I want". This really changed my perspective. I obtained letters from her doctor so that I can legally access the interest off her Roth, and IRA if needed to pay for professional care and turn all of this into the IRS at tax time so that I am not hit with stiff fines. She is totally disabled and not able to work and I have another letter from her doctor laying out all the various kinds of professional care she needs. We are not eligible for disability, or for early social security, though at her death she is fully qualified - she will never live to collect a penny. This is why I believe inspite of all the hardship my depression has lifted and my desire to crossdress has returned because I am in a nearly normal mental state - acceptance, hardening and emotional numbness with medications are all contributing to this along with counseling etc. So I suppose this is the last thing I will write on this thread.