Ah, how life has humbled me

[Miss Emma]

First off, I would like to mention that this is the first post (and the first time I've even logged in) since about 2009-ish.

At that time I was, like most youths (not that I'm not still young, haha), full of rage and excitement with the world. So much was wrong with life, and I wanted to fix everything.

Of course, as I'm sure many have you have also found out, life has this funny way of pulling the rug out from beneath one's rebellious feet. Anywho, Around 2009-2010, I moved to Washington, which was the turning point in my life. This turning point has thus far proved to be both a blessing and a curse. Since blessings are more fun, I'll start with that.

At that time, I had opened up to the world about being transgendered. Despite living in a town of 2000 people in the conservative state of Az, I thought to myself, "The Hell with it! Skinny pants, long hair and eye-liner mode activate!!!" Believe it or not, this only caused a stir for about a month, then people moved on. I didn't lose any friends in the process, though I did get in a lot of arguments with my Dad.

Skip ahead to Washington -- After about a month of living with my friend, I decided that being broke and jobless sucked, so I got it in my head to join the military. From the outset, I looked at it as a job, and nothing more; just something to give me a career and independence. I could put off the whole Transgender thing until I got out. I am young, a few years is nothing. I can get that.

So I cut my pony tail off, but shortly found that I couldn't enlist, as I had a domestic violence record from a fight with my Dad that got physical. When I discovered that the forces were no longer an option, I shaved the rest of my hair off and decided that if I were to be successful in this life, I would have to do it as a man. Not that I threw away what I had grown to love; I maintained huge support for the LGBT movement.

By this time, I was back in Az. Since then, I've attended college, moved to a new town (though I still live with my Dad), Healed the broken relationship between me and my father (read: I learned that I had been acting like an idiot) and I'm in the best shape of my life. I turn girls' heads when I walk in a room, and I have never been more popular.

Here comes the curse:

I've not been this unhappy in a LONG time. I look at the old pictures of me, when I embraced my Transgender identity, and even though I am far more attractive now, I still miss it. I miss it in a way that I can't put to words, which is odd, as I'm a writer. I'm also smart enough to know WHY I'm sad; I've sold myself out for popularity. I chose to be attractive to women rather than be true to myself.

The kicker is this: part of me LOVES being a man. This isn't that strange, I know. But I hate having to make that decision. I can be a woman that's freakishly tall with big hands, or I can be a handsome man.

Perhaps it's my youth; I've finally come to terms with the fact that being young makes one, erm, for lack of a better phrase, dumb. I know I've got a lot to learn yet, but still, I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I can't reconcile my options. I can't just be a cross-dresser. So I suppose the question is this: can I be happy if I found a woman to love me as a man, or take the risk of being true to myself, but being alone?

Any advice from those that have traveled farther down the road of life?
Scratch that; I already know the tried and true answer (forgive my arrogance, haha). I guess I'm just asking for some stories. Anecdotes sound nice right about now, lol.

[Absaroka]

Emma I only know what I've been told and what I've read about this.

Being in love changes everything. Many folks struggling with gender identity find that being in love with someone who loves you back moves absolutely everything to the background, including gender issues, for a while. And then of course everything comes back. But here's the problem. Now there is this other person who loves you. Hopefully they love you for who you really are, but you've been busy presenting a certain person to them who may not be who you really are. So when you again begin to confront your gender issues, now two people are involved.

It's easy to say that you would be the same person, male or female, and that it ought not be important to the other person. But that is not true and monumentally unfair to them. Because if it really wasn't important, it wouldn't matter to you, either. So your gender issues may cause tremendous pain to someone who loves you greatly, partly because you led them on into thinking you are mostly male when perhaps you are not.

That's the best case scenario. Another likely option is that your own conflicts in this area lead you to become involves with someone with really deep conflicts of their own. As an example I had a friend who broke up with their first big love after several years. Her next boyfriend was in the process of accepting that he was gay. She later said that this was no accident, that she needed someone who wouldn't be available for a serious romantic relationship. In the end the remained good friends, but she felt a great deal of anguish over falling in love with someone she couldn't have. And again, that was a quasi best case scenario. Far more often the person is unavailable because of things like substance abuse or trust problems. Like one of my old girlfriends. She had a deep investment in becoming a victim, and was very good at getting the men in her life to mistreat her no matter what. After about 3 months I was faced with becoming someone I didn't want to be (an abusive boyfriend) or breaking up with her, which is what I did.

Based on what you have been telling us, this is my strong advice. Bear in mind that it's based only on what you've said here at the forums, so how can any of us really know you.

Deal with your gender stuff. What this will involve, I don't know. My first thought is to find some TG support groups, and just talk with others who have been in your position. This way when the time comes for a romantic relationship, you will at least have some idea of who and what you are, and will not be engaging in false advertising.

I remember something that aforementioned girlfriend said to me that really rang true. At the time I had made a concerted effort to appear respectable. Cut my hair, wore nice clothes, tried to engage in quasi normal activities. I did this to try to attract a girlfriend. One day after we'd moved in with each other she said I'd lied to her. I asked what I had lied about and she said my appearance was a lie, that I hated getting dressed up, that I was really not nearly as conservative and traditional as I appeared. In later life I came to terms (sort of) with keeping up appearances and not beating people over the head with who I was, but I needed to know who I was in order to be able to do that.

I don't know what the future will hold. While you be someone who is part male and part female in terms of where you fit in society, will you transition, will you discover you are mostly male? I have no idea. But you will want to figure this out before allowing someone to fall in love with who you let them think you are.

Good luck. It's a tall order.

Zari

[Anthony Simon]

FWIW I think you may be trapped by the properties that gain you recognition in the world - That is to say your ability to write and your good looks. Because you're doing alright externally (or that's how I read your post), there is no pressing urgency to do much about your unhappiness - and a lot of people go along like that.

I've never been attractive to people (until, maybe, now). So I haven't had that problem. My thing has always been to try and hang onto some sort of authenticy in myself - not in any big way, but just enough to keep going - so that at least I feel there is still some of me there. In the end I've done stuff which I'm quite proud of [I'm 58].

The CDing has both been a part - and not a part - of that. My instincts are that you need to think outside the box - that is to say that none of the "roles out of a box" - like "attractive man", "crossdresser" or "Transitioned woman" - may work for you. Anyway they don't work for me. If you're a creative, perhaps that is as it should be.

[DonnaT]

I've found I've not had to sacrifice one for the other.

I love being a man, and knowing that I am trans, I am glad that I love the CDing.

The thing I can't do anything about is, growing older. We all do it. And as we age, our appearance changes.

It's easy to look back at what once was and regret it is no more; but knowing I can't change it, I simply move forward and embrace the now.

Of course, If I were TS, things would probably be different I'm pretty sure.

Knowing that i love being a man puts me in the middle path of a CD, and I can't see any problem with that.

I can't just be a cross-dresser

Well, no. None of us are. That would be defining who we are by what we do.

I'm a man. Just because I'm trans and demonstrate that by CDing, doesn't make me any less of a man.

[Carly]

Miss Emma,
The one thing I would add to previous posts is to be honest with any partner that you plan on having a long term relationship. If it causes problems then you were going to have problems later. No mater what your comfort level you settle with CDing keeping it secret in a serious relationship will end in the "you lied to me " senerio.
Carly

[Anita]

Hi Miss Emma--
Welcome back! It's been a while.

The posts above all have good things to say about this--there's no wasted words.

Anthony Simon wrote:

My instincts are that you need to think outside the box - that is to say that none of the "roles out of a box" - like "attractive man", "crossdresser" or "Transitioned woman" - may work for you

This jumps out at me. This is one reason why I choose to live openly in both genders. But I was 49 years old; I'd had enough relationships that I knew what they could do for me, and what they couldn't do. I can't hurry you through that process so you'll know for yourself.

I chose to be attractive to women rather than be true to myself.

It will be hard not to want to do that. Attractiveness opens doors; it makes things smoother. It allows some exciting things to happen in the short run, and it attracts good partners for the long run.

But these posts have one strong theme running through them--honesty about this to prospective partners. That is hard medicine to swallow, because some really good women are going to turn away if you do that.

I'd also add--show as well as tell, if at all possible. A lot of people seem to accept that I'm a part-time woman, as long as I only talk about it. But if I were to present myself as one, I don't think they could handle it.

I know stories of men who were verbally honest with their prospective mates, and it seemed that she accepted it. But when it came to the actual dressing, it didn't work. That is hard to hear, but it is a pitfall for CDs or transitioners alike. Introduce her to both of your selves, if you can.

[Miss Emma]

Thanks everyone.
I had, somewhere along the line, convinced myself that my whole transgender thing was a phase, and after a year and a half of cramming it back into the closet, I'm finding out (once again -__-) that it simply isn't so.

In any case, transitioning isn't an option for me at the moment (Oh how those talkshows features about the transgender children make me jealous), but I've decided that I can, at the very least, be honest with myself. When I moved to a different town, I took it as a chance to put everything behind me and give being a man a real shot. But I'm finally grasping that I'd be happier as a woman with big hands than a man with no happiness.

[Steve]

One day you finally don't care what they think, but do what makes you happy. I don't think Women will run out of clothes because you wear them. Clothes don't make the Man or Woman. Ie what sex you are attracted to.

I did the military thing and hid my cross-dressing for 20+ years. Now I just don't care if they see me as little strange. Hey walk in my shoes. Can't do the full Dress/Makeup/HH think. Tried and not me. But I will say this society is more accepting now than 20 years ago. I never heard of CD back then when I was your age (53 now).

I hope you can find someone in life that will accept you as YOU. That is hard. 2nd Wife knew on 1st date but we still did not stay married. She wanted "Real Man". I hope she's happy now. I am.

You have to figure out if your CD or feel like a Woman in Man's Body. Ie want Sex Change. This board is not the best for those types of posts. Try "http://www.tri-ess.org/". I have know several who have gone thru the operation. Heck married one.

Wish U luck.

SteveD

[Ralitsa]

I will add in my opinion here, though considering my utter failure with women it probably shouldn't be taken seriously

I think that if you do ANYTHING with the intention of "trying to attract women" that it is fundamentally dishonest and can puts you at risk for being accused of lying. Now don't even say that "women try all the time to appear attractive to men" because I'm of the opinion that women are fundamentally dishonest anyway, but men don't point that out (if they are smart).

So I will always go with the approach of doing what is correct for yourself. If a woman likes it, then fine, and if not, then it's better to know that now than to waste a lot of time thinking otherwise. Incidentally, I've done a calculation (because I'm an engineer and I calculate everything) which shows that the incidence of acceptable life partners is on the order of 1x10^-7, or 1 in 10 million. So in the global population of about 7 billion, there could be about 700 suitable women for you. Basically what this means is that it is no problem that 9,999,999 women hate you if you find the 1 who doesn't. On the other hand, it could take a while to find her.

I also wonder if you really are transgendered, as you said. Since you also say that you really like being a man and having attention from women, it seems to me that you are not, but in fact are the stereotypical crossdresser like most of the rest of us. For my own part, I don't desire to be a woman, I'm not interested in men, but I every much enjoy wearing women's clothes, wearing jewelry, putting on make-up and doing many other things considered feminine. I will also admit here to liking chic flicks, being sappily romantic at times, and crying about the sorts of things that teenage girls cry about. So I'm weird, but that doesn't make me any less male.

I think there are plenty of women, maybe as many as 20%, who would be willing to be with a CD'er. The way to really find out though is to be wearing a dress when you talk to her. Women might say that they accept it because it is the politically correct attitude to be open minded toward sexual diversity, but what they say usually has no relation to what they feel. Everyone here has commented on the difference between being aware of the issue, and dealing with the issue.

So my suggestion is to work on blending your love for CDing seamlessly into your life as a man. They shouldn't be two seperate existences, or you will constantly be jumping back and forth and it will stress you out and cause a lot of confusion to your intended GF. I don't like the guy in a dress look, though I do it often enough. But you should be honest enough to say "I'm a guy and I like wearing dresses and want to look pretty. I'm not trying to be a woman, I am just emulating their style." The example I've used before is, just because some beer drinking buffoon is wearing a jersey it doesn't make him Joe Montana.

So unless your goal is to take as many babes home as you can, I would say put the idea of attracting women to the back of your mind. Make your priorities your career, your personal character, and your satisfaction with your accomplishments and then sooner or later you will find the right woman who appreciates every part of you. Also, be forewarned that it may be much, much later.
Anyway, none of this has worked for me, but it sounds good

[Paula G]

I love being a man, and I think my cross dressing makes me a better man, as well as a better person. Now as far as I can remember being young (it seems like a long time ago) I too did whatever I could to be attractive to women - of course I did I was young and randy. All the overtly masculine activities I indulged in were great fun, but I still had the need to dress. The only times when this need subsided for any length of time, was when I was in stable loving relationships, each time I thought ahh good that's over, but it always comes back.

Only real regret is a biggie, I didn't tell my wife, she found out and our relationship is permanently damaged as a result, if it looks serious I would always recommend honesty, if it's just sex well then you have to make your own moral judgements, from what I wrote above you can tell I'm in no position to preach!

[Miss Emma]

I suppose I should move on to a transgender forum, I am just rather fond of this one, having been a lurker for years. I like the community here ^_^

But in terms of whether or not I'm a confused CD or transgender, I'm like, 99% positive I'm TG. On a fundamental level, I dislike being manly. I can see how my first post can be confusing on that front. What I like about being a man is that it's so easy. I'm a lazy person, haha, and portraying myself as a man makes life superficially simpler. No awkward questions, no odd stares, nothing. But when I look in the mirror, even if I can aesthetically appreciate how I look (karate has sculpted me into a fine specimen, lol...Gah, I feel concieted :p ) I look at the person in the mirror as someone else.

Also, being a man requires more thinking on my part. It never did come quite naturally. I don't understand men. When I'm around people, especially people I don't know very well, I constantly find myself in this weird limbo where I'm never quite sure how to respond in manly banter. It's why I naturally gravitate to women in a group. Them, I understand. Men are bizarre to me (no offense XD).

When I look in the mirror, instinctively look for feminine traits, and fail to find them, it makes me sad. As I've grown older and went through puberty, this issue was only exasperated. It became harder and harder to connect with my male friends.

Hell, even when I was younger, and didn't really understand any of this, I would sort of float on towards the feminine side of things. I preferred Barbies over G.I. Joe, doll houses over toy trucks. I used to have a big collection of toy cars when I was a youngin', but instead of having them race and crash into couch cushions, I pretended they were a big family and played with them as anthropomorphic things as opposed to machines.

But yeah, when I was about 16 or 17, I thought cross-dressing and wanting to be a woman was the same thing, so I found this place, and even though I was never much of a contributor, I still feel like part of a family here, so I'm hesitant to leave, even if my issues are different.

P.S. to Ralitsa: What was the factor you used to determine to come up with the 1 in 10,000,000 ratio? I mean, I know nothing about math, so you don't have to break down the equation for me (English is my one true love, and Math is my arch-nemesis, lmao), but I'm curious what is the determining factor in what would put a woman in a "possible partner" category, hahah.

[Carly]

Miss Emma,
Even if you don't exactly fit here and find another home, I do hope you keep in touch. I and I'm sure others still care for all our friends we have met here.

[Anne]

As there are many TG people in this forum, I would hope you would stay also. The advice above is well balanced and I worry that some TG forums might push people into actions they may not be right for in their situation.

Often to come to grips with oneself on the TG spectrum, first steps involve CDing as it helps with the desire to see in the mirror what you might wish to see or experience life in different shoes so to speak. As most of us has found, it is the start of a journey that has as many outcomes as there are people.

I'm glad you posted and hope the very best for you, Anne

[Anita]

Miss Emma writes:

What I like about being a man is that it's so easy. I'm a lazy person, haha, and portraying myself as a man makes life superficially simpler.

She also writes:

... being a man requires more thinking on my part. It never did come quite naturally.

So it's both easier, and it's not. I know the feeling. On a superficial day-to-day functioning level of doing errands and working a job, it's easier to be a guy. On the level of reaching out to people in any kind of emotional way, it's easier to be a girl.

I don't find myself becoming a girl much these days, but the important point is that I know that I can if I need to. It's like keeping an airplane at the local airport, and that plane is always available if I need it.

[Anthony Simon]

The really weird thing about this thread is:

The kicker is this: part of me LOVES being a man.

The thing that it most reminds me of is me dressing up like a woman. And I love that. And then I go on and totally shoot myself in the foot...Miss Emma sounds like a woman who loves dressing up like a man...