Loved But Unable to Fully Feel It

[Colette]

Hi Everyone,

It might be three years now since I have posted. Though I get rather overwhelmed with trying to carry on typed conversations and get lost in the plethora of posts, my primary reasons for being away have been more positive. I am about three months from finishing my coursework for my doctorate in clinical psychology. I am very happy about that and want to share but it is not my reason for writing. However, I do want to take the opportunity to mention that within my therapeutic practice, I have worked with several folks on the transgender spectrum and I wish to emphasize, as I have before, that therapy is not only for people with "problems." Therapy, admittedly like other ways of practicing self-development, has the potential to help people reach their full potential, to achieve their dreams, and live life to its fullest. With regard to transgendered people, whatever form it takes for them, this does not mean changing them. It means helping them with everything mentioned and figuring out how they want to be in the world, how to live life authentically and with responsibility BOTH toward themselves and others.

I think I do well by my clients in therapy. I am no master but I don't intend to be one, only to offer the best I have in the moment. I think my approach to therapy is rather holistic and very individualized, and I view my own growth in the same way. I have made tremendous progress over the years since my divorce and I don't plan on ever stopping developing myself as a whole person. Because I continue to do my best to face things as they are, new difficulties come up regularly that I am stumped by. I think I have finally hit on one of those that has burned quietly in the background of my mind for many years and which I fear greatly will never go away.

I met my fiance, Stefanie, a little over a year ago and we have created a new family combining us and our four boys. Everything about this new family is wonderful and Stef brings light to every corner of my life. I told her about my crossdressing approximately two weeks into dating because first of all I had a feeling that there was something very good to be had between us and, second, because she shared stories about her sexual history that she feared I would reject her for. She demonstrated a rare honesty in that moment that I already had perceived was there. She helped me find the courage to be honest with her but nonetheless I was extremely nervous to tell her. She spent many of those early days riding an emotional rollercoaster as she asked questions of me, herself, and various internet resources about this new idea (to her) of crossdressing and transgender. She didn't know how she was going to learn to embrace it in me but she knew she wanted to. So she has continued to explore and learn and even advocate, reading books, talking in email forums, and now talking with a few other couples we know.

Stef says she wants me to dress whenever and in whatever I want. She tells me over and over again in various ways; sometimes with words, and sometimes by telling me she wants to do my makeup, by buying me dresses or taking me shopping, or by giving me clothes she no longer wants. The night she gave me two bikini tops of hers was especially momentous for me for some reason, possibly because there is something very peculiar about a man wearing a bikini since he doesn't need to cover his chest bits. Her giving them to me seemed to say that she understood my reasons, no matter how little those reasons would make sense to anyone else.

I know Stef still sees me, as me, when I am dressed. This is what I want. I don't want her to see Colette. For me this is merely a moniker, not a different me. I want her to see Dan who is wearing a dress, has his toenails painted, loves pink, cute and pretty things, or occasionally moves in a feminine manner. Stef has demonstrated many times that we can have the same intimate connection whether or not I am dressed in drag or drab.

But then their have been the times when she comes home and I am even wearing just a skirt or yoga pants, or have my toes painted, and her reaction to me is different. Sometimes I imagine it is happening when I am merely talking about crossdressing. She doesn't look at me as much, touch me the same, or say a whole lot. She seems like she is avoiding looking at me because she is not attracted to, maybe even disgusted by me. She would deny vehemently that she is disgusted and will probably feel sad as she reads this. She will say she is not AS attracted to me when dressed and though she wants to some day feel the same attraction to me, she doesn't know when or how that will happen. She clearly wants to change that and I couldn't be more grateful. She views the issue as being based in her socialization. She believes our culture has taught her what to be attracted to and she sometimes even gets angry that she feels this way. What an amazing woman!

But here is how it works in my head. It starts with the age old question that almost all of us have struggled with. Either my crossdressing is a behavior (which could potentially be extinguished (squashed) through behavioral reprogramming, leaving me likely emotionally miserable and deeply dissatisfied or, it is an expression of who I am and something which I "need." If it is indeed a part of me, then when I am dressed femme I am being myself just as much as when I am in drab. That means she is not currently as attracted to me as I am. No matter how much she wants to be, she isn't. I want and intend to be with her for life but because I see her being attracted to me only in part, I fear that I will always feel only partly loved. They don't have to be the same, I know that. I believe she loves me fully, but this part of me doesn't feel it. I feel accepted, respected, honored even (loved in an "agape" sense), but not attractive; therefore not fully wanted and thus not fully loved (in the romantic sense).

Sometimes it seems like a terribly convoluted mess and one that is very difficult to describe.

It was a few nights ago when she told me she is not as attracted to me when dressed. She told me with great concern that it would hurt me, but also wanting to be honest about why she sometimes acts the way she does (I needed to hear it so that I would not make up even worse things in my head). Even as she was telling me, I remembered that one of my hopes is to have a wardrobe large enough that I have options for what to wear and for any situation. This dream (silly as it seems since I live life as a man, not a woman), including its accompanying s daily thoughts about what I need to have hanging in my closet, seemed like a tremendous beastly weight sitting on my chest. I felt like I couldn't breathe and wanted nothing more in that moment than for it all to go away. I want so desperately to be fully okay with my cross-gender dreams. But at literally the same time I want to get rid of them, to be done with them forever. Some days, both the dream and the desire to do away with it are equally oppressive and am so bubbles burdened by it all.

And so I go and help others. I see change. I see sad people find contentment, I see grieving people find comfort and embrace their memories, I see trans women step out onto the street full "out", I see people get jobs after years, I see damaged marriages begin to reconnect, I see people love their children more, I see people forgive their parents. And here I am, working through many important things yes, but knowing also that there is something inside that I can't find hope for ever truly changign. I expect some degree of misery to always be there. I expect there is still a dream that will never be filled. I found one of those seemingly impossible dreams when I found Stef. But now I am still hurting inside, wondering if I will ever truly feel fully wanted.

I want to find it inside people. I think that is the dream really. Its not about wanting it from Stef or anyone else. It isn't information or a well crafted argument that is going to change it either. Maybe it will come along via all of the other ways I am working on me. But even in the face of this little smidgen of hope, I find deep pain and grief; a sinking, empty, burning feeling deep in my stomach that makes me feel as if I am about to vomit.

I want it (my gender stuff) to go away. I want it to stay. I want it to go away. I want it to stay... All this bubbles tension, coming and going over and over again never seeming to promise any hope of permanent change. I am so damn tired of it all.

Thanks for listening,
Dan

[DonnaT]

Hopefully you'll eventually be able to accept that Stef may never find any attraction to Colette.

She's demonstrated acceptance, and, it seems to me, it's time for you to try and demonstrate acceptance with how far she can go.

I've been married for over 36 years, and my wife has known for nearly as long. She'll never fully accept this part of me, but by not wearing my wig or makeup, at least she isn't turned off.

Personally, it's more about getting to wear the clothes, than it is looking like a woman. So that helps, because I don't need the wig and makeup to get relief from the trans urge.

A number of CDs are like me, yet many are not, and need to totally appear fem.

[Absaroka]

Colette that is a beautifully written well crafted post. It's something you've thought about a lot and I thought you expressed a dilemma many of the more fortunate among us face.

My dressing within the context of our marriage is not nearly as open as yours is. It's almost completely DADT. For me that works, and for my wife I think it's a case of ignorance is bliss. Would I want to hang out with her while wearing a dress? Probably not, it's something that I like to do while home alone. Working out of the house means I do that a lot. Next year she will retire and something will change, maybe I'll tell her more, maybe I'll dress a lot less.

I have no advice or suggestions on dressing in context of marriage except that it's a two way street. If you think about it, there are probably times when you find your fiance more attractive than others. The honesty of her feelings must be accepted and honored, just as you want her to honor and accept your feminine clothing at times.

Hopefully she finds you most atttractive of all when you aren't wearing anything. Maybe that's an idea to keep in the back of your mind.

I've been married for over 25 years now. There are certain parts of my wife's psyche that she prefers to let me know about but not to be too involved in. Most marriages have this to some extent.

One of my favorite quotes on this is from the movie The Bear. The younger hunter is trying to explain to an older mountain man type why he did not shoot what is perhaps the biggest grizzly he's ever seen. The older man stops him and says "everyone has their secret side, and by God that's the way it's supposed to be"

Since you are a therapist, you probably have already thought about my next idea. Is this really about your fiance's feelings? Or is it you wanting her to be completely attacted to you in a dress because that makes it more acceptable to you?

Good luck with all this. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship that isn't perfect. Which is the most anyone can hope for.

Zari

[Anthony Simon]

I confess to having read your post out of order, Colette. That is I skipped to the end and then read it backwards. There seems to be a part of you that is going round and round in your head and it won't stop (that's what's at the end).

I did also read some of your earlier posts here - particularly the thread in which you were breaking up with your first wife - and I have an idea that you have some rage now that you didn't have then. To me, the likelihood is that at least part of that is from the breakup - and has been bottled up until a really serious new relationship was falling into place.

So...I think the reason you may not be able to work this stuff out is that it's informed, coloured, by the stuff from the breakup of your marriage. Or to put it another way you're still hanging onto your ex-wife on some level and that's why you can't fully feel the love of your fiance.

Maybe....

[Davita]

Colette,

You know it's not going away. Since it's not going away, then I suggest just embracing it. You know it's part of you; you said it. Trying to keep it separate like it's a different part of you just isn't going to work. I'm still "merging me" and let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier than turning on and off how my mind works and how I have to respond to the world depending on "what part of me is in the forefront". Your better half wants you happy, why not make her happy? Be your whole self.

Now about that dressing... okay, so the better half doesn't find it wonderfully attractive. Heck, she's still attracted to you. Not every outfit -- male or female -- that we wear makes us look our best every time. So you just need to decide when an outfit matters to you and your fans. That's just how it is.

[Colette]

Hi All,

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I appreciate all of your comments. I also find that I sometimes have a different way of facing things that is hampered by trying too hard to put things into words. I believe very strongly in embracing my emotions and any negativity that goes with it. When I jump TOO quickly to simply telling myself "it will be okay" I squash the creative power that my pain brings me. Sharing with you all of this confusion and angst, and with you I mean people who can also deeply empathize with my experience, it allowed me to be truly honest with myself and face the deeper fears.

The night I wrote that first post, Stef and I had a very straightforward conversation about each of our fears, hopes, etc. I don't have time to go into what transpired in me over the next few days but in the end came a big decision. I have decided to scrap my dissertation plans, which have been in the works (though in the background) for several years. Stef and I decided together that I would do my dissertation research on gender non-conformity. I already have a dissertation committee that is fully behind me on my plans.

I would love to say more as there are so many things about this to get excited about, but I fear saying more at this moment (without having my plans more firm) could impact the validity of my research.

It is therefore likely that I won't post for a while but please know that some really exciting things are happening for me personally that also have the potential to impact many other psychologists and professionals. Having you all here has played a huge impact, despite my minimal interaction here over the years!

With Appreciation,

Colette