Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi girls,

Today my wife called me on the phone from work. She is the Manager of a Dress Barn and Dress Barn Womens combined. We ended up in an argument over crossdressing, and her refusal to get counseling, and for my kids. My daughter told me she was thinking about killing herself now. She is off her anti-depressants, and until today she was unemployed. Both of my younger sons 10 and 12 have asked to see a counselor. My 17 year old son is having panic attacks.

Anyway I went on to tell her how she was getting nothing for being right. All she gets is to say, "I didn't tolerate it". It breaks up our family, I truely adore her. It would lower all of our standard of living dramatically. No one wins. I was tired of fighting, so when she got home from work, I just went to my bedroom. About 30 minutes later she came in, turned on the light and told me that she just needed some space. Could I just back off and give her some time to see how she feels about everything. I told her I would stop emailing her, and bringing it up all the time.

Then she asked me if I noticed the new outfit she was wearing. As if? She was wearing this basic black above the knee skirt, with this black vest like top, and they had red roses stitched into them all over. I had picked her up from work because I needed her car so I could go and buy a new alternator and put it on my blazer. Anyway, she shows it to me, and tells me to rub the fabric. She knows what this does to me. Then she gets out this other pink two piece pants and top set that are just beautiful, and starts telling me all about them, and has me feel them too.

I asked her if she gets many men customers at her store. She told me she has two regular crossdressers who are her customers. Then she told me this story that I must share with you.

She said that a man that was at least 80 years old had come in and wanted to buy this really flashy metallic gold top. Her assistant manager made the sale. Well the next day she sees him headed toward the store with the gold top that he bought. She said that she could see that he had on makeup, had balding grey hair, and was not even close to passable in any regard. Because of what was going on between me and her, she let one her associates to help him. She showed him some skirts, and my wife let him use the dressing rooms that are normally closed, so he could have privacy. He then tried on a black skirt, which he really liked, and asked if he could wear it out. The associate told him of course he could. But when he went to leave the window washers, two young men, were right by the main entrance. The man came around the other side of the store and asked my wife if he could use the other exit because he feared the window washers. She told him of course he could. She said as he started to walk out he turned and said to her "do I look like a woman?" My wife said she smiled and told him that from where other customers were standing outside, and the window washers, he would be quite passable. And she said he left with a smile on his face.

I don't know when this happened, but she implied it was recently. It does not amaze me that my wife could show compassion to a crossdresser. It just surprises me that she won't do it for me.

I think she was telling me that she was understanding that crossdressers don't want to be crossdressers, they just are.
Love to all,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

That was great! Even with all the problems, this could be the start of
a new beginning. With no arguements and her telling the story,
your wife must be some how considering her feelings.

I wish you the best!

Kersten

Eliz, I can only think it is not easy for an SO to be married to one of us. They married a man and now that man is a part time woman, this has to get down to the basic make up of the world as we know it. Men are men and woman are woman and there is not suppose to be any in between. But the real world is not that way is it. We all know it isn't. So our loving wife's have to break with what they have been lead to believe since they were babies, that can't be easy at all.

I have major problems with being a CD myself with being trained as a manly man Ranger Sniper with 12 confirmed kills and now I am a CD, Something is wrong with this picture. I have that fight with myself so often that I am going crazy. It will be the same for the ladies we are married too. Most of them married us for our love and PROTECTION. So it is hard for them to think that cd lady in front of them is going to protect them even thou we are the same person they married and hopefully will be a much more understanding person after we come to grips with the CD and man we are. or saying another way when we transform into the MAN/Woman that we are becoming

O well I am rambling again. Gee.

Gelinda, this is in response to the first two sentences of your previous post. I will no longer even date a woman who doesn't already know I CD; if she's already seen me CD'd all the better.

Hello Elizabeth,

The situation can often occur where a woman may not have any particular objections to crossdressing activities in general, but when it is focussed onto their own home, in their eyes it can then become a threat to the existence of their well being and that of their family environment. They can envision how it would be if the neighbours, family and friends all knew, and all the social ramifications it may bring and her thoughts project this negatively out to where ever she is known in the community.

It can often be the case that the further the activity is from the home then the more relaxed they are with it. It then ceases to be a threat to their 'nest'.

Have you ever discussed this point with her in detail of whether she has objections to men in general crossdressing or whether the attitude she displays to you is born from a fear that your activities may destroy her family environment if it becomes generally known.

Often also a woman can believe that if she rejects her husbands crossdressing then all her problems will go away, her rejection will preserve the status quo as it always was in the home and this is a perfectly natural way for her to think, but it can often be the case where by them taking this attitude, they actually help break down the existing status quo. In the majority of cases, a mans' need to crossdress and explore the feminine side of himself stems from that part of his personality which involves his social construction and self maintenance, but of course we can't readily expect someone who is not experiencing this to immediately try to understand how it is within us and sometimes it takes years of communicating before some people can break down the barriers.

Sometimes all we can ask is that even if they find it difficult to accept, if they can just try and support us best they can, and even though it may cause some stress and rough roads to travel, if two people want the marriage to work and want to preserve the family unit then both need to talk and talk and to negotiate until the right compromises can be found, and over time they will be, if both are genuine in wanting to preserve what they have always had together. Given time and willingness on both sides to make it all work, we find that agreements change and ideas alter, that's what genuine negotiatons do in any situation, they help find that balance and comfort zone for all involved parties.

I always feel that if everyone can be open and truthful about their feelings to each other, and each can realise that the other is feeling a genuine pain, then eventually all will realise that they have to communicate with each other and find solutions. Even though we may have always been and felt as we are and do, sometimes we have to realise that our wife didn't ask for all this to be dumped on her and they have a perfect right to feel as they do. We find that often there is a real need for them to talk to someone besides us, but if we can just hang in there and work together and let her take her time until she is ready, then in most cases the outcome will be a happy one for all involved.

I wish you both well and sincerely hope it all works out for you and your family for the better.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

Sally,
I agree with what you said. But until now she has refused any action that could lead to her changing her mind. She specifically said it in a way to make sure I understood that this would never be acceptable or even tolerable.

So I consider this a huge step forward for her. She is smart, if she opens her mind to the possibilities, she will figure it out on her own

I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. And everyone else who answered my post. That is why I come here.
Love always,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,
The harsh reality is the effect that our crossdressing has on the lives of those who are exceptionally close to us. It is a major impact that is detrimental at first but as Sally has stated, communication is the answer.

I was in a similar situation with my wife, I felt that her tolerance was merely token at best. I asked her for time to talk about my CDing and she agreed for both our sakes to discuss this. I did everything I could to give the room a nice relaxed feel so that any tension felt was minimal at best. A glass of wine, gentle background music, the kids were out and wde were able to talk openly.

I found her fears were not just for her and the children, but she also feared for me. That my career could be seriously affected, was of a major concern to her. I explained that I try at all times to ensure the safety of both her and the children. She understands that this is who I am and nothing and no-one can change that. However when I explained my fears are those self same fears she faces, things seemed to come together better.

We have since come to compromises, which benefit us both. Just like our marriage in general, my CDing we discuss regularly so that we both understand what each of our agreed boundaries are. From time to time they lead to more freedom of dressing for me, sometimes they don't. That is just something that we as CD's have to live with. Unless of course we are on our own, but even then Single CD's have issues to deal with in their own right.

Try setting a calmer mood to talk to your wife. If your children know then I would suggest councelling for them and the family as a whole. But set the mood, de-tension the house or ask her to take a nice walk. Go somewhere calming like a park and discuss things while pushing her on a swing or over a nice coffee at a quiet cafe. You may find that this will show her that you are willing to make things easier to handle and that you are trying to understand and accept as best you can her point of view.

If however, it becomes difficult to even discuss the matter with your wife then professional help is the only suggestion I can make.

Should you wish to discuss this with me any further then plaese do not hesitate to let me know. I am only too willing to help a sister in dire need.

Best of luck, always.

Elizabeth,
I know you have read the excellent suggestions that my sisters have posted. Just give her "her space" to think about it, it may take a while, don't force the issue in any way if you can help it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Love,
Deborah

Elizabeth,!!!yes!!! with my Sis.

Life is not easy for us., especially the married girls. Little wonder many are closeted like me. Personally I have not told my wife as a similar situation would develop. I realise it causes me a lot of frustration but such can be relieved by visiting this site and talking to my friends. Thats one of the crosses I must bear as the feelings will never disappear.

Joanne