losing the plot

[Emma-A]

Emma and her not so good half are losing their few remaining marbles tonight. Was on a bit of a high after my little outing last night, but as they say- the higher you fly the harder you fall, and I'm a living example of how valid that statement is. I know I was advised to take it slow, but I've never been good at that, so I suppose I have only myself to blame, as usual.

Tonight me and the wife had a bit of a row. Although it was not directly about CDing, that came up as an issue and I allowed it to escalate out of control. It ended up with her stating that the few things that made her love me have been disappearing lately and she no longer enjoys my company.

The truth is, we've never been all that compatible, but as we didn't live together, or even in the same area before marriage, we didn't realise how incompatible we were. She wants a really strong, masculine husband, and at best I've always been a bit soft, and at my worst I'm insecure and needy of affirmation. I have always expressed my affection, love, and friendship in a girly way, but learned to supress that over the years, and pretend to be more masculine. Now I've had enough and just need to be free to express myself. Some people may think I'm stupid, mental or something but I can't do it any longer, I need a break. I'm just not strong enough. I'm emotionally immature and selfish I think. Destined to a life alone in my own little world, with my only computer and fish for companionship. nobody to love, nobody to care. Just me and machines. Since an early age I've always been better with machines than humans. I've struggled through life seeking out people to help fix me when I break, yet offering nothing in return other than money or help to fix broken machines. I have nothing that the average woman wants, and now I have something to add to my list of features that no woman wants.

[Carol Ann]

Oh sweetheart I believe it is time for you to take a little break , now none of my business but you two need to have a quite time and then try to sit down and talk about it, believe me the last thing you want in life is to lose you wife.

[Anne Bonny]

I could and probably should argue for saving the marriage. If someone deserts the marriage and flat out leaves then divorce is acceptable. With another hat on I must say in the event of a divorce consider carefully with your head and not with your heart about what you really want. You simply must reveal this part of you to every prospective partner so that is out in the open very early so you are not too attached and then feel the pain of losing someone you feel attached to. I plan to do that after my wife dies. I would dress alot more but when you sense there is tolerence and this is not approved of or supported you will find that you avoid dressing at all because you do not feel free to be who you are. That will probably mean having to sift through many many potential women but better that then find yourself in your current situation. You want some one who loves you just as you are, not as they had hoped you would be only to be surprised that this is hell and gone from who they thought you were a few months or years into a marriage. Bring it up, be honest and do it early with every potential partner.

[Emma-A]

thanks sweetheart, thats very comforting. although I sometimes wonder if my current obsession with crossdressing is just a coping mechanism. when I dress, I forget all the unhappiness and stress in my life and just enjoy being me. but the very first time I put on a dress and liked it was on holiday with my wife when there was no stress, so I'm not really sure.

my head is just spinning with unanswered questions tonight, I can't even focus on one question long enough to write it down.

[Emma-A]

the thing is, I could probably stop dressing altogether if I wanted, but I'll still never be man enough for the wife, so what's the point? If I had been consciously aware of this femme part of my psyche before marriage I would have told her, but it's too late now.

[Emma-A]

I find myself wondering why this side of me has manifested itself right now. It is true that I've always had some feminine traits, but they had remained largely obscured until now. I used to cope with stress by smoking, drinking, or self harm, but now I just find myself wanting to be a girl instead. this is good in a way, because it is less harmful than my historical choice, but somehow less acceptable to women. what a mess.

[DonnaT]

A couple of weeks ago you saying how supportive your wife had been, thus far.

So what's changed since then? Too much being Emma? If so, it should be easy to cut back and keep it out of sight.

The main thing to do now is to discuss what's currently lacking in your relationship. Without arguing.

If she want to raise her voice, call you names, etc., let her. Not in a wimpy apologetic way. You can apologize if one is called for, but remain true to yourself.

Don't make promises you can't keep. Especially with regard to promising to stop. Maybe you can, but more than likely it will return in a week, a month a year. Then you'll likely be branded by your wife as someone who can't keep their promise.

[Emma-A]

A couple of weeks ago you saying how supportive your wife had been, thus far.

So what's changed since then? Too much being Emma? If so, it should be easy to cut back and keep it out of sight.

She initially went along with it because she thought it was just a one off, or perhaps a short phase. But since discovering that side of me, I've started to relax a bit and be myself rather than pretending to be this strong macho man that my wife wants. My inner self is inherently soft and feminine (and a bit vulnerable - perhaps that's an area for discussion in therapy), and I didn't realise how much I had changed just to suit my wife until I discovered Emma. She noticed the change from pretend-macho to soft feminine and doesn't like it, hence why the troubles have kicked off again.

Although she is not too keen on me dressing up as Emma, she says she can put up with that as long as we don't go out together like that. Its the feminine persona that she has the big problem with and I'm not sure what to do about that, because that is the real person. The strong macho man that I've been emulating in recent years is just a facade, and I can't keep it up forever.

luv,
Em

[Anita]

Donna wrote:

So what's changed since then? Too much being Emma? If so, it should be easy to cut back and keep it out of sight.

I know I was advised to take it slow, but I've never been good at that, so I suppose I have only myself to blame, as usual.

My immediate reaction to why you can't take baby steps is to say that you're in too much pain to be able to do that. If that's so, I can understand. Pain doesn't allow you the luxury of going slowly--it demands immediate remedies.

The strong macho man that I've been emulating in recent years is just a facade, and I can't keep it up forever.

This seems like the bottom line in any negotiation with your wife. This part of the situation is not going to change. You will have to get past the part of the talk where your wife blames you for putting up the facade. People do get very angry at this, but it's human nature to do it. We want to please others, or we want their company and will do anything to keep them in our lives. I hope your wife can get through the anger and the blaming, and begin to look at where the two of you can go from here.

[Karin]

Hey Emma , Hope youre okay.

I can relate to this from both sides. Its important to remember that shock isnt good. The very fact that your wife said..

" she can put up with that as long as we don't go out together like that."

tells me that compromise is being offered?

I learned through my experience that there was two sides to my transition. One the acceptance of the new, this is obviously where my mind tended to focus, but the other side was of massive importance to my wife..The loss of the old.

Its only fair that your wife may feel robbed of her partner if it all changes overnight, she has loss to deal with before even seeing the new?

Forgive me if that sounds one sided as thats not intended i promise xxx, but i see compromise on the table from what shes said and think a slow move to the middle ground would be fair? I know all about the juggernaut (believe me I do!) but now that youve declared yourself, maybe easing off and a slow and steady approach will be smoother for you both, and allow much needed time to adjust.

I do know one thing. Dont ever, ever, give up!!. Anything is possible in this world, just take a look around...

[Latanya]

emma i also feel for u cause i have gone thru a similar experience! i am going thru a divorce cding was the last straw.
i present a macho image but i are far from that. my internal struggle has damaged me emotionally to the point that i am a lack sensitivity and a sense of caring. first step for me was to realize the damage that was done. then learn to accept me for who i am. how can anyone accept u if u have doubts about urself!
slow steps! set little goals. and like i have learned a therapist and a place like this is critical!

[Anthony Simon]

I confess to having some difficulty reconciling some of the early things (i.e from 2 weeks ago) Emma said about her wife and things she says in this thread.

Thus here Emma says of her wife:

She wants a really strong, masculine husband

But a couple of weeks ago, there was:

A couple of months ago... I somehow ended up trying on a few of her dresses and posing whilst she took pictures. She said I looked beautiful in a couple of the dresses. She said that tight-fitting dresses suit be best....She also said I was welcome to wear her clothes around the home if I wanted.

It makes no sense that someone who "wants a really strong, masculine husband" should have acted in this way.

[Ralitsa]

well I have no problem at all believing that a wife can behave totally inconsistently and contradict herself within seconds.
I'm the last person to try giving advice on this subject, since my own success in relationships is non-existent.
All I can say is that I think when both people are completey determined to make it work, then it will work. And if both parties are not completely determined, then it's a crap shoot.
I know the "baby steps" mantra is popular but I'm not a believer in that particularily. And it does not sound like that is fundamentally the issue here. It sounds to me like the fundamental issue is that you've reached the point in your marriage where you both have become willing to admit that you don't like each other all that much. The next question is what to do about it. It's not impossible for you to learn to like each other for who you really are, and divorce is no guarantee that you will be happier.
The only advice I feel confident to give is: you will accomplish nothing by losing your temper and saying crazy things just because you are angry. Probably you do need to talk things out and figure out what's happening, but you need to keep your head on straight while doing it.
Other than that - good luck and keep us posted.

[Anita]

It sounds to me like the fundamental issue is that you've reached the point in your marriage where you both have become willing to admit that you don't like each other all that much. The next question is what to do about it. It's not impossible for you to learn to like each other for who you really are, and divorce is no guarantee that you will be happier.

I like this analysis very much, myself, since I have not wanted to project my own biases on Emma's marriage. This seems to sum it up for me pretty well, without making judgments on either of them.

It makes no sense that someone who "wants a really strong, masculine husband" should have acted in this way.

This does make no sense, and I have no way to make it square up at the moment. I don't think Emma is trying to mislead us here, but I'm not sure what to make of her wife's behavior as described.

[Emma-A]

It makes no sense that someone who "wants a really strong, masculine husband" should have acted in this way.

This does make no sense, and I have no way to make it square up at the moment. I don't think Emma is trying to mislead us here, but I'm not sure what to make of her wife's behavior as described.

I'm certainly not trying to mislead anyone. I see it as follows; The wife thought it would be fun to see me in a dress. She thought it would be fun for me to go to a fancy dress party in a dress, then that to be the end of it all. Neither of us anticipated the effect that this experience was going to have on me. It is the fact that I actually want to continue crossdressing, and especially the change in my personality that she really doesn't like as it has taken me further away from her ideal husband than I already was.

Ralitsa summed it up quite precisely; To a male brain, a woman can appear to be completely inconsistent. There is some logic behind their behaviour, but we often can't see it. However I think that based on my discussions with wife, the above is a fairly accurate understanding of her thought patterns.

I should have emphasised that the 'strong masculine' part referred primarily to my personality. The outward appearance doesn't bother her so much, hence why she was ok with me wearing dresses around the house.

I hope this makes more sense now!