Crossdressers-Haven.com

I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment. My wife was having difficulty accepting this part of me and spoke to her mother about it. Basically her mother told her that my behaviour is morally unaccaptable and that she ( my wife) should not accept or tolerate it. As a result of this, the wife has given me an ultimatum - be a man living with her, or be a crossdresser living alone. I haven't dressed, shaved or waxed my body for several weeks now, and I have agreed ( perhaps foolishly) to discontinue crossdressing for now. But I made it clear that although I can stop dressing or talking about it with her, that it is still inside of me and that might take a long time to erase, if at all.

The only good news is that we have started seeing a counsellor together, and are beginning to discuss this issue there. Unfortunately though I fear that she will never change her stance, and so the only way to save my marriage is if a therapist can help me to successfully and permanently eradicate the urge to crossdress and feminise from my psyche. I will be very sad to go down that route, but at the moment I feel that losing my wife will be worse for me than losing the ability to express myself in this way.

I really hope I'm making the right choice. I'm quite scared at the moment, and my only hope is that the counselling and therapy lead to an outcome that I can live with. The wife doesn't even want me to be on this forum any more, but I need it for the sake of my own sanity. There are limits to what I can say here, but if anyone wants to Pm me that's ok.

with deepest love,
Emma.

I feel for you, Emma. My marriage is on the outs as well, although dressing is the least of the reasons. I wish I had some answers for you, but I'm afraid all I can offer is support. I have realized that the desire to dress never truly goes away, even if you can suppress it for years. If you two can;t work something out through counseling, be aware that the issue might arise again down the road.

Hugs, Michaela

Thanks michaela, I wasn't expecting answers, I know there are none. I'm also aware that there may be no permanent solution to this issue, but I have to at least try. I'm afraid because if my marriage ends, I fear I may not survive at all.


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Sorry to hear this Emma

I guess its a decision thats yours to make, as an ultimatum is handed to you now.

Im not sure i should say this here but im going to. If it were me i would be asking myself if i wanted to be with someone who lays down ultimatums. I dont think i could. If someone didnt like me cos of an inbuilt feature like shoe size would that be the same? And whos to say whats right and wrong anyway?


So like i said, its down to choice, be you or who someone wants you to be. Thats hard and my heart goes out to you I'm sorry if it sounds blunt..

Major massive hugs, and my PM is always open

Emma I am sorry for your hard times and you are in my thoughts and prayers. My ex did a similar thing. She knew about my CDing but somewhere along the way she got in her mind it was immoral and she closed her mind. I wish you the best.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

I'm so sorry to hear you're in a tough situation, Emma. Morality is a complicated subject rooted in individual experience, social influence, faith, and culture that makes it hard to untangle even simple questions about why someone feels the way they do. Working with a couples therapist might prove to be helpful but there's certainly no guarantee.

I've never been fond of ultimatums, personally. They tend to make me feel like the relationship is already in trouble in ways that won't be addressed by simply bowing to demands. Entering into a contract, like marriage, where you both agree to terms is one thing. Having one side unilaterally impose additional requirements after the fact reflects a lack of trust and/or respect, and that's not a good situation. Not that this is likely to be news to you.

Her arguement is that it wasn't something that she was aware of before we got married, and if she had seen this side of me before we got married then she wouldn't have married me. Therefore she sees no reason why she should accept it now.

The unfortunate thing is I wasn't consciously aware of this side of me before we married, it is some thing that I''ve only recently uncovered, and I personally feel that I need to explore it in order to better understand myself. I can choose to suppress it for now, but ultimately I won't be happy with that choice. nor will I be happy to lose my wife. that is my conundrum...

Emma-A
I can completely understand your position, I feel like you've writen the chapter of my life of the last year.
A couple months back my SO had me tell our son about my hobby, said she was not going to be the bad guy if this marrage didn't work out.
Turns out he was much more understanding than my SO, his only question was "Do you still like girl", the answer is absolutly yes.

Ronnie
PS Good luck

I'm so sorry Emma, and i certainly hope that you and her can get thru this and find some form of happiness.

Is there any chance that you might find a more informed and knowledgeable therapist who might in turn help her understand that this thing isn't as weird as some uneducated people make it out to be?

What happened to you is similar to an experience of mine, and prolly many others......the people who our loved ones turn to for help, support and advice, to often, tend to be the more unaccepting, unsupportive and close-minded folks.

Sorry your wife has taken that stance.

Emma-A wrote:the only way to save my marriage is if a therapist can help me to successfully and permanently eradicate the urge to crossdress and feminise from my psyche.

I doubt a therapist will be able to help you in that regard. And a good therapist won't even try.

And it seems to me that being reminded when you go online surely won't let you completely eradicate the urge.

The odds of stopping permanently are about the same as hitting the lottery.

You may have to submerge yourself into another interest, such as a hobby, especially one that will get you out of the house. For example, everytime you get the urge, go golfing, or swimming, etc. instead.

Or you could just tell her you will always love her, but you can't stop, so she should just go ahead and leave so you don't lose that love you have for her. I had to do that on our 30th anniversary, she was quite stunned, but luckily she decided to stay.

That's quite sound advice I think Donna. And also like you say, no right-minded therapist would even attempt to go down that route. For now I'll just try to contain it and see how the counselling and therapy goes before making any further steps or commitments in either direction.

Thanks everyone for the support, it means a lot to me.

Luv,
Em

As has already been said it never goes away. You can surpress it for awhile but it comes back with a vengance each time. Mean while the stress on you is terrible. I had temper fits, nervousness the shakes and of course that led to heavy drinking. I'm fortunate that mine stuck with me but I think an ultimatum would have resulted in my leaving her. I feel for you and hope it works out for you.

All of our comments must seem rather difficult to read even tho i think you understand that we all sympathise with you.

One thing i think you should try to push for or maybe even try to arrange if you can; try and pick a therapist with at least some knowledge of trans/CD issues.
Hopefully she can be convinced by a professional that you, and all of us for that matter, are not perverts, psychos, fetishists (but rather people who were born a little different) then maybe she might be willing to enter into a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) relationship with you.

I've not seen much discussion of it at this forum (tho i imagine it exists somewhere), but the basics are that you keep everything CD related from her. Many who have entered into this simply make sure time is arranged for the dresser to have some dress-up time, and all other evidence of that nature is kept out of her site.

The therapist that we are seeing does have some experience of TG and CD issues, so hopefully we will get around to discussing that. but it is early days yet. I hope for a positive outcome, but I am already psychologically preparing myself for the worst, if that is even possible.

Strangely I don't find the comments made by anyone above difficult to read or accept - they just reinforce what I already believed inside my hardened exterior shell. One has to at least hope for good, even when surrounded by darkness and fear and the inevitable destruction looming.


luv,
Em

Emma, for what it's worth, there was at least one relationship where I felt like my survival was in doubt if we separated. I had not felt that before, and have not really felt it since. There can be such a bonding of selves in a relationship that you feel like part of yourself is being ripped away, and that can be a feeling whether it was a "good" bonding or a "bad" bonding.

There are parts of us that go dormant when we pair up with someone, and those parts have to "wake up" again if separation is coming. That can feel like thawing them out of a deep freeze. I've been a single person more of my life than I've been coupled, and a single person has to keep all their awareness 'alive;' they have to be on top of everything. But no single person keeps operating at that level once they've been coupled for more than a few months.

It just doesn't make sense to duplicate everything in a couple, so parts of you go underground. One partner is good at keeping the books, for instance; you're not going to both do that, in most marriages. One partner is better at dealing with contractors, so you let them do all of that. One keeps track of all the social activities. It's overwhelming at first if you're faced with taking care of everything in your life again, as a single person does without thinking about it. It's been pointed out by therapists that one partner (usually the woman) will often do the "feeling work" for both partners, and that can lead to trouble if someone hasn't paid attention to their own emotions for months or years. So you get the idea of what I'm describing here.

I'm not saying you're destined for this--I'm just pointing out one reason why you can feel like you won't survive if someone leaves you. I did feel it, we did separate, and I begin the process of waking up all those dormant parts again. Painful, but I lived through it, and built a new life. You can, too, if it comes to that.