the end of the rope

[Lorna]

This whole "bad luck" situation has been going on for much much longer than I care to remember. I tire of referring to my situation as a "slump". Being stuck with CHRONIC BAD LUCK for over 3 years is not a "slump". It is a SERIOUS PROBLEM. And I cannot continue on this path. One of two things will happen. I will either a)find the help & counseling that I need or b)die.

I appreciate the efforts of each and every one of you here. Unfortunately, given my present state of mind, my continued contributions to this forum will only be destructive not only to myself, but to every single one of you here who deserve POSITIVE insight and feedback from contibuting members. Nobody wants to hear someone drone on and on and on endlessly about what tragedy took place this week. It seems that every single time I post, I’m posting about losing a job, or getting in trouble, or having problems with people in my face-to-face life whom I realized too late could not be trusted.

Never in my life have I literally CRIED as much as I have in the past couple of years.

I don’t think it’s a good idea that I post here further until I can get the much needed psychiatric help. I’m sure that many of you who have been keeping up with my posts cannot believe how in the world one person can suffer so much tragedy in such a short period of time.

I have exhausted all of my efforts and all of my options. Not a single thing has proven to be even remotely successful in terms of getting me out of this HOLE I have been stuck in for far too long. Nothing I do seems to make a difference anymore. I have now reached a crossroads and do not know how to continue.

4 years ago I was living in utter desitution. 4 years later, I am right back where I started.

I appreciate all of the feedback that you all have provided over the past several months, but I have reached a point where noone here can help me. It’s time for me to take my issues elsewhere. I have to find SOME WAY to get professional counseling. Although I don’t know how THAT is going to keep a roof over my head, or food on my table. I am weekes away from HOMELESSNESS.

I would love to remain on and continue to chat, but I really don’t think that it’s a good idea at this point. I used to preach to everyone (online and offline) that it’s always important to have a Plan B. What what do you do if Plan B fails? Move on to the next letter, I guess. Plan C, then D, then E, then F, and so on and so forth.

I am rapidly running out of letters of the alphabet to fall back on. Every day I wake up there are fewer and fewer options for me. I can no longer even afford to take the bus to go apply for a job that either a) I won’t get or b) I will eventually be laid off from by the next quarter.

The bottom of the pit just caved in and I’m falling deeper and deeper. There’s just no hope for me anymore. As for Lorna, it’s all over. Lorna has always been a celebration to me. Well guess what - I have nothing to celebrate.

None of you needs my help. You will all be fine.

1- Take excellent care of your sposes and SOs, tell them that you love them often, and NEVER take them for granted. Some people in this world will never find true love.

2- Give your best performance at your jobs, and enjoy your vacations away. Some people will never know the security of bringing home a steady paycheck, and some people will never be able to afford so much as bus fare to the beach.

3- Always keep your homes in best possible shape and be proud to own a piece of real estate. Some people in this world can't even pay their rent and eventually wind up homeless.

Every single one of you is looking at a brighter tomorrow. Unfortunately, it’s obvious that "brighter tomorrows" don’t apply to everybody. Guess we all know who that is.


Godspeed, my sisters.

Please hope that I someday return, that this evil force that has taken over my life these past 2-3 years will someday be expelled before I am dead and in the ground.

And may none of you have to go through what I am going through.

_______________

now is the end. let her go in peace
now is the end. let her go in peace
now is the end. let her go in peace

[Loretta Ann]

Lorna,

Even in your pain you are showing a caring attitude. May you find what ever it is that you need, I pray for brighter days for you once you are through this.

There are times in every ones life when they do not have much to offer, Please continue on here as long as you can, and let us support you even if all we can do may not be all that much. I hope it will be better than nothing.

Love Darlene.

[Celia]

Understood, Lorna. Worrying about what heels to wear when we haven't even gotten back on our feet is an inversion of priorities. Primary economic concerns generally trump gender issues. We all welcome your continued participation here, but I don't think any of us can fail to understand that you simply have bigger fish to fry at the moment. There's a reason they instruct airline passengers to put on their own oxygen mask first before trying to assist others. This is survival--no further explanation is necessary. Do what you need to do. If you need moral support, we're still here.

Yours,
Celia

[Lorna]

it


was


nice


having


known


you


all.

[Alexandra]

Geez Lorna, hang on! This place isn't restricted to happy news! This is a place to post your feelings (good or bad) and a reminder that you're never alone. Come back and make another post and keep doing so until you get out of this funk, ok?

[Anita]

Hi Lorna--
I'm sorry to see you in such pain about a long-term situation. I know something of what that feels like, and it is very wearing. Actually, having to deal with my female side was one of the ways that I was shocked out of a time like you describe.

When everything seems to be going against you, your tried-and-true coping tools often don't seem to work. Crossdressing was such an out-of-the-blue crisis that it forced me to look at things differently.

So unpleasant as it can be in the short term, I hope that you can find some new and different "tools" to help you get back on track. If the old ways aren't working, something will change.

If your skills can be applied to any kind of temp work, I would also spend some time keeping in touch with the temp agencies. Maybe you're already doing that, but temp agencies have helped some of my friends through long bouts of joblessness.

Go with God,
Anita

[Kersten Lee]

My friend Lorna,
I have been there and done that. I have said to you many times how
much you have bolstered me when I was so down.

I too gave my help and heart to friends who weren't there for me. I did
and gave more to others than I would for myself. I believed also that I
had my share of bad luck. My problems did not revolve around cding
even though cding used to be part of why I hated myself.

Even though I hurt and do sometimes still, I know you can be helped.
The problems you have I believe are separate from cding. We all
know the great goodness in you. I did it and so can you. I was lucky
getting a therapist that understands it is her job to help me find myself.
We looked at those bad things I believed were true that were utterly false
false about myself.

Understanding for me was the beginning to healing. In therapy I was able
to consider and decide for myself what was right. She showed me
alternative ways of thinking. Terrible, terrible things we talked about.
I started telling my wife about these things and she cried and cried and
we cried together. Finally she told me she didn't want to hear everything,
it was too painful for her to listen. My therapist has never been
judgmental, only compasionate.

There must be clinics that are free or reduced rate. Never settle for a
cold, clinical therapist or one that begins to make you feel uncomfortable
with who you are. Mine uses a technic that provides immediate results for
me. I'll look up the name and write tomorrow night.

Things can be better for you. Don't you dare give up!

Take Care,
Kersten

[Virginia]

Lorna,
Honey, you are in our prayers and you know your sisters here are behind you to support you as best we can! I don't want to preach, but your young, intelligent, and best of all one of us, a CD'ER. You have a wonderful gift and it will benefit you, us it to your advantage, let Lorna lose to do her thing, empathy, gentleness, caring, and in the immortal words of Winston Churchhill: "We will never give up; never give up; never give up!"
We love you,
Deborah

[Elizabeth]

Lorna,

I feel so bad for you. You are such a nice person. I know your luck will change. There is just no keeping good people like you down. I understand how it feels to feel like things are hopeless, but hope is just in our mind. We can always have hope. I hope that you return as soon as you can, and that you remember that we need you here. Even when you are down. Especially when you are down.
Love always,
Elizabeth

[Gelinda]

Lorna, If this place was for only the good then I should not have been here either. I have been so screwed up that it hurts to think about it also.

You need a place to unwind that troubled mind of yours and this is the place for it. Too many care for you here and you need to remember for every down there is always an up. You have to be UP at some point to be able to go down. or something like that. that was to be a saying from something I read but I am not good at exact quotes.

What I think you need to do is look inside of yourself and find that good person inside and work getting her to the top again. Destroy the negative parts. She is there you care too much not to have a positive person inside.

Go back to the basic you, Very basic you. I had to do that years ago when I was drinking and fighting all the time. You will open the bible or listen to a song on the radio and the inner peace will come back and you will be on the positive side.

The working world is very hard as of now. SO many jobs are moving overseas that it is not funny anymore. 3 years ago the company I was working for moved all our jobs to India and that is the reason the wife and family are in Texas and I am in Kentucky.

It is all in a positive mind and atitude. I was on the ropes for a long time mad at God and the World because of GE moving all those jobs then I finally got positive because it was either that or go back to drinking and lose everything.

So get to your inner self is what all this rambling is attempting to say. Gee.

[Beauty]

Good luck.

You know who I think you need to find. G.O.D.

Ok.. that's all I'll say.

Take care of yourself. I'll talk to you via phone, e-mail, or IM.

Beauty

[Lorna]

I really appreciate everyone’s concern for me and all, but there is something that I need to address and I really don't know how to say this without offending, or even making most of you angry. But here goes...

I really wish that people would stop pushing God on me.

I know that most of you are very religious, and that’s fine. I will respect that. I will respect your faith. But by the same token, please respect my choice NOT to be religious.

I have never had any reason to believe in God. Point Blank. None of you have to like it... but please respect it.

[Bonnie]

Hello Lorna:
I have not been in this group long, but I have read a lot of posts that really made me feel better about myself, and actually put a smile on my face. And a whole lot of them were signed Lorna. You seem to be a very smart and caring person, and I too think you should stick around. I can't speak for all here, but as you can see, a lot of us ARE here for you, and will continue to be here for you. I know I can never pretend to know what all you are going through, but I have have had to talk with shrinks, and they recommended support groups. And this is one of the best.
I know you will do great
Hugs, Bonnie

[CJ]

Lorna, stay.

That you feel people are trying to "push" something on you (whether it be religion or therapy or a new pair of heels) is one thing; that you possibly feel we're maybe not "hearing" you is another. We hear you. I hear you.

Every person here wants what you most want for yourself (health, happiness, stability, or something that's perhaps only for you to know) and, as usual, we tend to offer only what we know has worked for us. We cannot do otherwise. As Anita said, sometimes our usual coping strategies fail us and we need to hunt about for new tools (or even make our own). What matters is this: that you know that this place is a haven for you, whether you find yourself on a crest or in a trough (or anywhere in between). Don't ever give up hope of imagining a better future for yourself until you've had a chance to regain some sense of internal balance. Yes, three years is a long time, Lorna. Still, they're eddies in the river. Give yourself the time to stand up and see what new ways of coping you need to consider.

I don't think it'll ever be the case that the good folks here only want news from positive Lorna. No, I for one want news of Lorna in all her guises and all her moods--in all her splendour, even though it's sometimes a dark light indeed. Girl, if you think that nothing you do seems to make a difference, think again. You've moved people here. You matter. Stay.

Love,
CJ

[Penny T]

I'm terribly sorry to see you so down and I hope things improve soon. Only a few months ago I was on the verge of having to move back in with Mom due to long-term unemployment. The thought of that really stunk, but I got lucky and am working again. I hate the work of what I'm doing now but it's taking me where I must go so I'll bend enough to continue there so I can have life here. In this world finances must come first so concentrate on that and just do the best you can with the rest until you can find a more permanant peace. If you really need counseling, check out the government; they usually have a free clinic to help. And PFLAG will certainly know where you can get help. Sometimes you have little to work with but if you use what you have at hand wisely, you will pull through somehow. I have faith in you Lorna, so do what you must with my best wishes.

And remember, you've made a difference in my world and I'll never forget that. Hang in there knowing I am with you in spirit!

Penny T.