Sometimes it seems hopeless

[Mike P.]

I don't mean to be down this Tuesday, and it is partly due to still recovering from hanging out over the weekend, and the cloudy weather this morning. Last week I went to see a hypnotherapist hoping that it may help with some of my addictive behaviors, which include always looking at women outside, especially if they are wearing something sexy, but also if they have a very pretty face. I always look, but never talk, and that's partly due to my insecurities, and introversion. The therapist seemed to think that I am for the most part fine, and these are "normal' thoughts, but to keep working with my reg therapist, and try to use healthier coping habits. Should I stay with my goal of hoping to meet someone, possibly a woman, but will that be possible with my desire to crossdress? I try to think that maybe I should focus more on other things, like spirituality, but is that just a way to hide from who I am, like some of the other men who go into religion?

[Anne Bonny]

I fought this until I was 40 then by magic I came to just accept that this is who I am. You need to accept yourself. If this does indeed interfere with your ability to function in life - hold a job, find a mate and start a family, etc then it is a problem. If you are indeed able to function then you are not hurting anyone and this is considered within what most psychiatrists would call normal behavior. Why beat yourself up over it. There are happily married couples out there. My wife knew but it did not hurt our marriage, we are still in fact married with children - two boys. Spiritually it took me longer to come to the conclusion that God made me like this for a reason, that He is more concerned with what is in our heart than what clothing we have on. Anne

[DonnaT]

Some of the men who go into religion have a calling to do so, not to hide from who they are.

I would say, stay with your goal of hoping to meet someone, but don't place your happiness in the hands of others. Be happy with yourself, and then let things come as may be.

[Karin]

Mrs 'Right' is out there. The truth is she doesn't care what you look like. She doesnt care about the clothes you wear, nor the foods you prefer. Music tastes don't matter, just like the car you drive.

What she does care about, is that you're happy, stable and confident in who you are. After all, if we don't feel at ease and happy with things about ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?

If you like to dress, dress. If it makes you happy doing that then smile, and a large chunk of the world will smile too. The only reason anyone should follow the 'cloth' is cos they want to. Not ever to hide...

*floats off back to work, humming Abba as she goes ..

[Ralitsa]

I wish that I could be so optomistic about finding the right one....
At any rate, I am quite sure that crossdressing is not a major impediment to a relationship. Hiding it, trying to suppress it, and denying it will be a problem first for your own well being, and second for any relationship.
I would say though that you should concentrate on the important aspects of your life, i.e. work, family, friends, etc. and things that you can affect. Whether you will find the perfect person to share your life with is hard to guess. So I agree with the other girls, don't expect someone else to make you happy. But at the same time, don't give up hope that some day you will find the right one.

[Anthony Simon]

I always look, but never talk, and that's partly due to my insecurities, and introversion...Should I stay with my goal of hoping to meet someone...maybe I should focus more on other things, like spirituality, but is that just a way to hide from who I am...

You use an odd construction in the middle of this: "my goal of hoping to meet someone" as opposed to saying "my goal of meeting someone". It echoes a statement you used in the Going to the therapist thread:

My initial goal was trying to figure out how to meet someone...

You are putting an additional stage into meeting someone. In this thread, first you want to hope - and in the other thread, first you want to figure out how. So the question is how much do you really want to meet someone?

[Mike P.]

Wow, thanks for the support everyone, and Anthony you raise a good question, do I want to meet someone? This is something that I have been having a hard time with, and for the most part, I am content being alone, but it's so difficult when you see so many beautiful women outside, and I don't know what to do. Should I work on my confidence and try to meet someone, so I won't feel lonely, cause that could be part of it, or is that I can't control my urges? I understand that I have to keep working on my self esteem, and of course, I understand that crossdressing will probably always be a part of my life, but where do you go to meet others? There don't seem to be bars for crossdressers, not that it has to be bars and I don't want to pay dating sites. I will keep looking at other ways to occupy my time, such as more bike riding, but I don't want to deny my sexual desires. I also understand that part of the reason why I have such a tough time figuring out what I want is due to not fully maturing mentally when it comes to sexuality, but I'll keep working on that with my therapist. Have a great day everyone!

[Ralitsa]

but where do you go to meet others?

excellent question.
Probably the answer is not bars, not even if there were crossdresser bars near you. So if you're looking to meet someone, then you need to go somewhere that the one you are looking for is likely to be. So think about the sort of person you wish for, and where such a person will likely be.
The great thing about being a crossdresser is that you have a good reason to go to those places anyway. So when you go to get your hair done, or for a pedicure, or while out shopping, or whatever, you will meet lots of people to talk to. The other convenient thing about that is you will have plenty to talk about. It's always difficult for me to talk to women when I have nothing particular to say. But if we're talking about nail polish or cute tops then it's a lot easier.
So the only thing I could suggest is to first get comfortable with who you are. Second try talking to women about things like shoes and clothes. They will be a lot more interested in that than sports or something, and won't feel like you are hitting on them. Even if you don't find a girlfriend, you might find someone to go shopping with

[Mike P.]

I notice that I usually have a harder time in the beginning of the week, partly from being tired from the weekend, but the struggle is, when to dress. Dressing at home is not enough, espec by myself, and although I would don't want to dress full time, as I do enjoy being a guy too, maybe I would be happier if I did more for my feminine side, as Ralitsa suggested. The prob is, as I mentioned before, I don't want to do too much that will be noticeable, as I don't know how others will react. I did go buy some dresses on sale yesterday, so that was nice, but it would be nice to go with a woman, so I'm not alone, but prob is I don't have many female friends, and I don't really feel comfortable with my female co-workers. Maybe I will try a pedicure or something, but the interesting thing, early this morn I had a dream where I was thinking about getting ready to dress up to go out to the movies, when my mother, who passed away, walked up and said that I should "come out." Haven't dreamt of her in a while, so it was nice to see her. Maybe I'll talk to my cousin about it this weekend. Enjoy the weekend everyone.
-Samantha Jane

[Anne Bonny]

There are free dating sites, if you desire all the tools you can subscribe for a nominal fee. For some reason I am more comfortable disclosing this side of myself with women. I am secure with my sexuality. I have told the hospice Chaplin - a lady - no reaction at all just acceptance. Told my psychologist I see to talk about my wife's condition to vent - again full acceptance, last time he even had read a multiple page explanation about my cross dressing I had posted on a dating site and told me I was a good writer and an advocate for myself - he was positive. He also said he has never seen anyone come in to discuss cross dressing because he supposes that like me - cross dressers have no problem with it and do not desire to change. I told my wife but 7 years into our marriage, in the end she accepted it but I could sense that it was just tolerence - so I was never comfortable really dressing in front of her though I did on occasion because I felt I had a right to be who I am, so when I sensed the time was right and the desire was there I would. She loved me but not really ALL of me which hurts inside. I know I am more than just a cross dresser, that that part of my self is just part of who I am as a whole person and I do it when I desire to and would enjoy it, of course opportunity time and place come into play. I do plan on marrying again and will have to find a woman who is completely accepting before I commit because while this is only one part of who I am, It is a large enough part that I do not plan on hiding in the closet for the next 20-30 years because of it! No more angst!!!! Somehow I believe women in their late 40's to 50's may be more open and accepting if they know and fully understand before committing to the partnership. Next time I want a woman who will perhaps push me to have my ears pierced, and to let my hair grow out and be styled, help me to choose clothing, make up, jewelry who is not bothered discussing all of this or shopping together because it is a mutual interest knowing my femininity is not the same as my manhood or sex and that I also have masculinity and that comes out as well and is not bothered by my shifting gender feelings because she loves me - all of me just as I am!

[JessieR]

WOW. The support and desire to encourage and build each other up is so overwhelming. I've been reading several threads and Ladies, you are so incredibly awesome in the love and support you give. Where the heck have you been all my life. .

Well. I don't know what I could possibly add to the wonderful advice which has been given but I wanted to just add, Well said everyone. But if I may add one thing which did and still does help me. I learned that life is just full of choices. Everything from what I'm going to have for breakfast to whether or not I will allow someone dictate my emotions. There are things we have no choice over like death and taxes. Well, you could choose not to pay taxes but that's another story. Point is, I had to settle in both my heart and mind that this is my choice and I, and I alone, will live my life, taking full responsibility for my choices, to the best of my ability.

I see a psych Dr. Dr. T, she has taught me a lot and the most important thing she helped me see was how I over think circumstances. Simplify them, write them out, she said, but most of all, don't read something in which isn't there. No more playing the "What If" game, she said. When I began following her instructions, I found out how much easier life could be. Not just my life CDing, but everything. My marriage, work and relationships all became less stressful and even fun. My two lives however are still very much separated. They don't understand the need, desire and love I have for my girly side. But live is less stressful knowing it is my choice to do, have and feel whatever I choose.

I hope you find what you need to help you. I hope what I said helps also. If not and you believe me to be a complete loon just tell me so. Some people do but personally I think they're just jealous because I look way better in a skirt than they do. He he he. Humor also helps get me through a day. My wife told me every day when I left for work to, "Keep your sense of humor. Its critical".

Sincerly,
JessieR