Rambling on "WHY"

[Vanesa M]

Hunger is the need to eat,, thirst, the need to drink, living takes means so I work. I understand these, Cd'ing,, what drives that desire for us? ( or in us ).

What void in us is filled by dressing?

Is there some other shortcoming in our lives that we fill by cd'n?

Is it an escape from ourselves? from life's worries?

I don't think that i learned this behavior, as i can remember experimenting at a very young age, and after 40 + years, I accept the fact that it is not going to go away.

My question is " WHY" ??????????

I like women, I admire women, I love to feel womanly at times. It is peculiar to me that i have never seen a woman that i would like to be, maybe its because I am the perfect woman, ( at least in my minds eye).

I really don't want to be a woman, just to feel like one sometimes,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

WHY ????

[AJ West]

Vanesa, when you find the answer to that one, please, please let me know.

I think many of us have the same feelings, and struggle with the same difficulties, but alas, we've yet to answer that elusive question.

[Anthony Simon]

I'm pretty sure I know some reasons for me, but that doesn't mean they're right or transferable. Like I do believe I have a wish that I was a woman. But, that isn't all. I also have a knowledge that won't go away that "being a man" has driven me to do the stuff that really matters to me in my life.

So I've got a conflict - like two bits of me fighting one another. I also have a deal of woman inside me - and that needs expressing. It does kind of make sense to me that I should be a CD, looking at that combination of forces - like it kind of works to some degree to balance them.

But that's not really the same as "why" do I CD? I mean like I've observed on some other occasions, the force of the drive is something amazing. For me, that says it's tapping into my life force. So, in a way, if you're asking about the "why?" of CDing, you're also asking about the "why?" of my life.

And it's, for me, a really scary force. Because, I think, actually it could eat me - like the male part of me. What's that about? The thought that always come up is that, in part, it's about hiding from the world - like hiding so deep I would never get hurt again.

So then I have the question of balance again. Like, even for the male part of me, there is some mileage into turning into a woman every so often. It just gives me a break.

And then there's another aspect, which I don't think I've ever heard anyone else say. The female part of me, when she appears, has much better judgement than the male part of me. She actually appears to me as a voice in my head apart from me getting dressed up. But I've always had trouble getting to that voice - who is a really invaluable resource to me - like somehow bringing out the CDing has helped me get to her.

And actually I need another level to that. Like I need to bring that voice front and centre into my head so that I have more resources for coping with the world. So, in that respect, more CDing would actually allow me to deal with the world more, rather than hiding from it. My feeling is that would allow me to function at my highest possible level. So, in terms of the CDing taking up a chunk of my life force, yeah I can see why I would do that.

[Martina Hall]

I can second the sentiments of both Vanesa and AJ. Martina has been my alter ego for decades now. Maybe it is just that we appreciate the beauty of a woman, and want to copy it. Whatever, I am past worrying about it. Just go with the flow.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I cant answer as a crossdresser, because im not one so ill use your cross dresser. though more just dresser, or dressing. aspect. ... why... depends on the person .i wont go into why i dress because im a woman,

I will however go into i do dress in garb or wear of the times for this its 1400 to 1700. why do i wear those clothes,

now it makes no difference wether im male or female. okay. now our men some 100 do dress in dress's & some skirts depending on whats going on for the event , now those men who i know talk to spend time with at a week long camp that is pretty neat, now if you ask them why its because they are reinacting a time long gone that involves food drink armory & just life of those times, now none of these men would even think of it as dressing to be ...like ... women yet many of the clothes are much the same in style colours shape & general apperance though not all haveing to be the same, we have many different styles .

Now as a woman why do i dress in that peroid because i feel at home its part of my history, my bacground where my family came from, its who i am its not a dress up party its how i would be dressed had i been born back then,

Is it learned no way far from that. for myself its more than just being dressed i can wear my day to day clothes any time yes they are nice yet does nothing for me the clothes are lovely the skirts i like yet theres something missing, yes my brain more like, being insane helps, . yea well.

Theres details in us that comes out , this is just one aspect of who i am as a person. maybe one day id like to go to my homeland of Prussia, theres a link with in myself that has a strong pull , so theres more to us than we may realise .

Okay your a guy who likes to dress in the fashon of how a woman dress's ,

now this is where it changes had it been only for the clothes then id say okay not a issue , does it stop there, this is where it all changes ...no... you wont to look like feel like dress like maybe act like a woman. this then becomes another matter & its for each one to answer in thier own way.

Its like saying my likes maybe very different from you yet clothes form a part of our like just the style & time frame maybe different it does not mean im not a dresser though im a woman , we too can be dresser's just we are women to start with so our dressing is not about trying to be women its about its an aspect of one of our likes for what ever reason,

Of cause our clothes reflect ( well they used to how men saw them ) ,who we are as women , & because of our body shape remembering not all of us women are feminine in how we look, as iv said many men dresser's would look more lovely than i yet the difference comes back to who's the real woman when the clothes makeup & so on come off,

What makes the woman, the clothes, no , its the woman that brings the clothes alive, some of us can do justus to them & some of us just wear them. & we all have our own beauty , just some of us cant bring those clothes to life,

...noeleena...

[MariMar]

Quote...
What makes the woman, the clothes, no , its the woman that brings the clothes alive, some of us can do justus to them & some of us just wear them. & we all have our own beauty , just some of us cant bring those clothes to life,

...noeleena...

Wow... I love the way you put that together, My thoughts exactly.....

[Anita]

Anthony wrote:

And it's, for me, a really scary force. Because, I think, actually it could eat me - like the male part of me. What's that about? The thought that always come up is that, in part, it's about hiding from the world - like hiding so deep I would never get hurt again.

I looked at it more that way, for a time, and it took quite a while to convince myself that while it could happen, it wasn't going to happen right now. I don't ever take it for granted, though. I know how strong the original pull to go out in public as a woman was. If that pull got stronger, I'd had to go where it wanted to go, even if that meant becoming a woman full-time. That isn't a comforting thought, but I've gotten used to it. At my age, I've already lived out all the male fantasies that I'm capable of. It would be tough to transition in some ways, but it wouldn't be the end of the world for me. There's a lot about it I'd enjoy, if it ever comes to that.

[Anthony Simon]

Anthony wrote:

And it's, for me, a really scary force. Because, I think, actually it could eat me - like the male part of me. What's that about? The thought that always come up is that, in part, it's about hiding from the world - like hiding so deep I would never get hurt again.

I looked at it more that way, for a time, and it took quite a while to convince myself that while it could happen, it wasn't going to happen right now.

I do absolutely feel it could happen right now. Like I can feel a desire to just hide and disappear and not come back. But I can also kind of feel it's a "cop-out" desire.

My sense of it is that there's a solution - and that's to grind through, inexorably slowly, all the stuff I've got to grind through and then I will get to the OK point where the thing fits who I am. That slowness speaks to me of a kind of mourning process - which I think has to do with me losing the image I've had so long of "I'm a man" and ends with some sort of TG identity, though not a TS one.

It really is that sense of who I am that is, I think, the problem. Like you really feel safe with the idea "I'm a man". Whereas "I'm a TG person" - what does that mean? It would be a lot easier if I could go "I'm a woman" but, like I imply, I feel that would disappear some key element of me.

[DonnaT]

I just see it as one form of being trans.

[Anita]

Back to the original question that Vanesa was asking.

Vanesa M. wrote:

What void in us is filled by dressing?

and Anthony Simon wrote:

the force of the drive is something amazing. For me, that says it's tapping into my life force. So, in a way, if you're asking about the "why?" of CDing, you're also asking about the "why?" of my life.

I think what amazes me is that the force of the drive may be the same for many people, but the way they handle it can be completely different. What I'm seeing is that TS women often start their journeys as crossdressers, and the force of the drive is there. Yet other crossdressers may be equally driven to dress, but seldom if ever feel the pull to go on to anything further. It has always been curious to me as to how some of us can establish limits, and abide by them. And others might think they can set limits, but find themselves transitioning.

The thread is asking, "why is this?", and it's opened up to include "where is it going?", which for some of us is always the next question, in the next breath. But not all. There are gals on here who have been CDing for 50 or more years, and have found a balance with it. It never goes away, but it never takes them down the road to womanhood, either. Whereas I always live with that 'sword' hanging over me--the one that would eliminate my guy life completely, and put me into a different world. I can see that that works for my TS friends. How would it work for me? I won't know until it nudges me harder in that direction. That's not happening at the moment.

[Ralitsa]

THAT question, again...................................................

Like everyone, I've been thinking about it for a long time. Now I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I do take the scientific approach to the issue and say that there is insufficient data to decide for sure. And I have a very good friend, who was raised Catholic and is still christian, but completely agrees with some of the reincarnation ideas. She says that she is sure this is her first time being a woman, and she isn't all that comfortable with it. So is this my first time being a man? Possibly. I've never had any great desire to BE a woman, but neither do I strongly associate with a male identity and much of what is considered to be manly I find silly. I think that perhaps I've been both male and female in the past, and am equally happy either way. It's often been said of me that I am very "complete", that I don't need anyone to make me whole. I don't need a wife or gf to fill out my life. On the other hand, I do need to be able to express the masculine and feminine traits that I have. While I don't want to transition, I would like to have nice breasts (who wouldn't ). I like having the physical strength to do things that I want done without asking for help, even if my shoulders don't fit in cute little tops. I'm not attracted to guys at all. Even though I only like women I never hit on them, I always wait for them to make the first move.
On the radio this morning was a rebroadcast from an old interview with a woman who transitioned to a man, and he described how all his thinking changed with the hormones (which has been discussed at length already). So the fundamental question is, how much of our behaviour is influenced by hormones, how much by the physical structure of our brain, how much by our experiences, how much by our innate personality, what does the phrase innate personality even mean, how much by chance and our surroundings, how much by our soul, does the soul even exist, do we bring with us memories from previous existences, would previous existences (if they happened) be restricted to our current species and planet and universe?????
So all of that is something to ponder. I would like just the answer to this: why am I afraid of women that I find attractive?

[AJ West]

I have no experience with hormones, but do believe they play an important role in how our brains think and process the information, feelings and emotions that come our way. Quite possibly that is part of the answer to the 'why' question.

I don't think it wise to experiment with hormones to see if my synopsis is accurate, unless under the care of a qualified phyiscian. Maybe some of you who have had experience may be able to better provide real life input.

[Karin]

In answer to A.J...

I've been using hormones for just over two years now, so here's my tuppence worth.
I think the amount that they affect us varies greatly from person to person, dependant upon their reasons for using it really. When genetic women are prescribed estrogens to counter falling levels they are generally prescribed the lowest doses possible for the shortest amount of time until they're psychologically 'comfortable' with where they're at. This is very much the same for a TS who generally takes higher doses. This would imply of course that there's a huge psychological change as a result perhaps? Obviously for myself there's been a massive physical change, and I think that this accounts for a large part of the mental shifts attributed to hrt if I'm honest. For example..my body is changing shape all over and that satisfies a desire, so I feel good. I have a feeling that I'm fixing stuff so that is a 'feel good' too as opposed to 'being stuck' where I was forever. It's quite a liberating feeling too and all these things shift my mental balance, but as a knock on from physical effect rather than chemical? I can also say tho that there is a definite more direct mental shift too. All of my tastes, preferences, humour, hobbies and things like that have stayed exactly the same for sure, but the way I deal with emotions is where its altered. Before I squashed my T level (now 0.9), in any sign of conflict I would be up there, a right proper gobshite, fisticuffs when needed etc. I would often get drawn in to a showdown a little bit too quickly let's say. Nowadays I can't stand conflict at all. (Just as well cos I have less than half the bodystrength I had which also alters your thinking). If someone makes a cutting remark now or I dont like something, I tend not to bite back, but walk away and fall into deep thought. Things get inside my head as opposed to bouncing of some kinda shield. Yep, I guess I'm a sitting duck emotionally and quite prone to tears these days, sometimes over the silliest things. Without a doubt tho I feel more settled than I have ever felt.

As for the original question, why do I do all this?

It feels like me, and I like it.

[Denise Douglas]

I had urges to crossdress at a quite young age, many times I thought it was very abnormal and would eventually go away. It did fade away somewhat at times, but kept coming back again and again stronger than before. After many years of fighting with these feelings, I finally gave in to them and took it further. my wife was understanding, accepting and loving, I eventually started taking hormones to get my body to be closer to the woman I wanted to be. The one limit my wife set was that I could not have GRS and I was OK with that. After she passed away last year I went through many months of complete confusion due in large part to the grief process, I also finally realized that I now had no limit in front of me. And after months of dealing with who or what I really wanted to be, I have actually lowered my hormones levels significantly as I've decided that I just need to accept my femme side but I don't really want to transition at this point in my life. My step daughter is accepting of my gender issues and I have a couple of friends that know and are OK with it, but to the outside world I present pretty much as male, my femme side is only present at home and even that is not all the time at home. And some might say I'm still confused (and maybe I am), but this is where I am right now and it is comfortable for me. I have the option to move in any direction I want if I feel I'm not comfortable enough, I'll just have to see where I decide to go as time passes on. So I do all of this so that I can truly be me, whatever me is at a particular point in my life, I have to be comfortable and accepting of myself.

[Carla Michelle]

If I don't I'll never be happy. Most of my life was spent avoiding and/ or suppressing this part of me. That's not quite right, "...this part of me.", this is me. And trying to suppress who you really are never works out the way you think it will, or want it to.

I will soon be able to go see an Endo doc and hopefully start HRT. I am finally happy with where my life is headed.