Letting it all hang out
Posted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:12 pm
[Warning, this is a long post, so if you want to hit 'next topic' I won't be offended. It is a strange mixture of raw feeling and cold self analysis. Writing and posting it has been very therapeutic for me.]
“I want to wear women’s clothing.” “I want to express myself to the world as a woman.” Two statements, different meanings. Both can be considered to be the wants of a cross dresser.
The first and only time I came out to anyone is when I came out to myself (not quite true, the second time is when I registered here). Wearing the clothing doesn’t do it for me. Expressing myself as a woman does. For years and years I was just curious about what it was like to be a girl. At some point the idea if cross-dressing occurred to me. I explicitly remember that moment. Part of what I thought was “it has to be convincing.” I guess, as some level, things are pretty clear.
Not so fast. I would never want to go to sleep in makeup and a wig, but occasionally wearing a silk night gown sounds kind of nice. So, maybe there is little bit of wearing that would be nice. Gees I'm all over the map.
I don’t want to express myself as a woman full time – not even close, so how much time. Once a day? Once a week? Semi-regular? Hard to say.
Then there is what is the motivation? Yes, I know, it is just the way we are wired. While true, so what, it isn’t good enough for me. So it is how we are wired, but the way the wiring manifests in each of us is obviously diverse.
I currently think that is my introspective drive is trying to examine and understand the how my needs are motivated as opposed to why. I'm ok with the why, it just is.
I have long been not just curious about women, but envious – even jealous – of them. Digging deeper:
I am envious of their choice of cloths. Huh, talking about cloths, I thought you said cloths are just not good enough! Hey, I'm human not a consistent logical system. Besides, the important part is the choice of cloths. The choices available men when compared to a women's are narrow. A lot of them is just plain boring. I always enjoyed looking at the mannequins in stores just to marvel at the variety.
I am envious in options available in jewelry and shoes. There is very few tasteful jewelry options for guys. About all you have available is in a watch. Nothing really for bracelet. The stud earrings for men are either boring or garish. Don't even start to talk about the chains and medallions. For gals it is so much better. I love larger hoop and dangling earrings. The delicate diamond studs are breath taking. A girl can wear more than one ring, and not make it into an assertion of dominance. And then there are shoes, all I can say is wow.
I am envious of the gracefulness. Graceful men are less so than clumsy women (except when trying to throw something). This even seems to be the case with children. Nature, nature, role model emulation? Hard to say. There are exceptions at the extreme, but these are the exceptions that make the rule.
I am curious about a woman's curves. Sometimes envious, occasionally jealous. There, I said it; admitted it to myself. I can be jealous of the womanly figure. I say curves intentionally, the sum of parts. The shapely legs, butt, hips, breasts, and that amazing narrow waist.
If they gave out Oscars for the elements of a womanly figure, then the waist line would get a lifetime achievement award for best supporting actress. It offsets and highlights everything else. It is evident in all but the most grossly obese women. How do they do that? I often wonder, especially with smaller women, how does a functioning liver, spleen, and stomach all fit in there? Ahh the wonders of nature.
Similar king of questions from overthinking about hips. More specifically that swaying walk. Before I studied up about the skeletal structure, I recall wondering how they could walk that way and not throw out their back.
Yes, there is breast envy. There I said it, admitted it. I hope this is therapeutic. The same feeling others have expressed. The one addition is a fascination about what is like not being able to see you toes (absent a beer belly). I suppose in time that would become tiring. After another bout of overthinking (over fantasying?) I pretty much decided that breasts would be a major pain in the you know what. Remarkably, when I did dress up I found it not to be the case. After the forms warmed up to body temperature, I mostly forgot they were there - modulo the occasional bump or brush. The real pain was keeping hair out of my eyes and managing a purse!
I enjoy the female face. I know all about the m/f differences between brows, check bones, jaw lines, chin, and hair. The sum is a whole lot greater than the parts. Just about any woman's face is angelic. Who wouldn't want to be that lovely?
I am envious of the way women can quickly engage in a unique and personal conversation. Both men and women have a lot of conversation. Men have the same 8 or 9 conversations with minor variations many times over. Women don't seem to.
Now I will acknowledge there are many things female that I don't think are so great. Vicious cattiness, bad hair days, glass ceilings, sore feet, having to spend more time on grooming, health issues, cycles, not being able to throw, and purses. Just to name a few.
Net/Net the girl club looks pretty neat to me. I wouldn't want to be a full time member as there are great things in the guy club as well. But crashing the club from time to time just seems to be what I want.
I guess that is why expressing my self as a woman is more important to me than wearing a woman's cloths.
Kelly
“I want to wear women’s clothing.” “I want to express myself to the world as a woman.” Two statements, different meanings. Both can be considered to be the wants of a cross dresser.
The first and only time I came out to anyone is when I came out to myself (not quite true, the second time is when I registered here). Wearing the clothing doesn’t do it for me. Expressing myself as a woman does. For years and years I was just curious about what it was like to be a girl. At some point the idea if cross-dressing occurred to me. I explicitly remember that moment. Part of what I thought was “it has to be convincing.” I guess, as some level, things are pretty clear.
Not so fast. I would never want to go to sleep in makeup and a wig, but occasionally wearing a silk night gown sounds kind of nice. So, maybe there is little bit of wearing that would be nice. Gees I'm all over the map.
I don’t want to express myself as a woman full time – not even close, so how much time. Once a day? Once a week? Semi-regular? Hard to say.
Then there is what is the motivation? Yes, I know, it is just the way we are wired. While true, so what, it isn’t good enough for me. So it is how we are wired, but the way the wiring manifests in each of us is obviously diverse.
I currently think that is my introspective drive is trying to examine and understand the how my needs are motivated as opposed to why. I'm ok with the why, it just is.
I have long been not just curious about women, but envious – even jealous – of them. Digging deeper:
I am envious of their choice of cloths. Huh, talking about cloths, I thought you said cloths are just not good enough! Hey, I'm human not a consistent logical system. Besides, the important part is the choice of cloths. The choices available men when compared to a women's are narrow. A lot of them is just plain boring. I always enjoyed looking at the mannequins in stores just to marvel at the variety.
I am envious in options available in jewelry and shoes. There is very few tasteful jewelry options for guys. About all you have available is in a watch. Nothing really for bracelet. The stud earrings for men are either boring or garish. Don't even start to talk about the chains and medallions. For gals it is so much better. I love larger hoop and dangling earrings. The delicate diamond studs are breath taking. A girl can wear more than one ring, and not make it into an assertion of dominance. And then there are shoes, all I can say is wow.
I am envious of the gracefulness. Graceful men are less so than clumsy women (except when trying to throw something). This even seems to be the case with children. Nature, nature, role model emulation? Hard to say. There are exceptions at the extreme, but these are the exceptions that make the rule.
I am curious about a woman's curves. Sometimes envious, occasionally jealous. There, I said it; admitted it to myself. I can be jealous of the womanly figure. I say curves intentionally, the sum of parts. The shapely legs, butt, hips, breasts, and that amazing narrow waist.
If they gave out Oscars for the elements of a womanly figure, then the waist line would get a lifetime achievement award for best supporting actress. It offsets and highlights everything else. It is evident in all but the most grossly obese women. How do they do that? I often wonder, especially with smaller women, how does a functioning liver, spleen, and stomach all fit in there? Ahh the wonders of nature.
Similar king of questions from overthinking about hips. More specifically that swaying walk. Before I studied up about the skeletal structure, I recall wondering how they could walk that way and not throw out their back.
Yes, there is breast envy. There I said it, admitted it. I hope this is therapeutic. The same feeling others have expressed. The one addition is a fascination about what is like not being able to see you toes (absent a beer belly). I suppose in time that would become tiring. After another bout of overthinking (over fantasying?) I pretty much decided that breasts would be a major pain in the you know what. Remarkably, when I did dress up I found it not to be the case. After the forms warmed up to body temperature, I mostly forgot they were there - modulo the occasional bump or brush. The real pain was keeping hair out of my eyes and managing a purse!
I enjoy the female face. I know all about the m/f differences between brows, check bones, jaw lines, chin, and hair. The sum is a whole lot greater than the parts. Just about any woman's face is angelic. Who wouldn't want to be that lovely?
I am envious of the way women can quickly engage in a unique and personal conversation. Both men and women have a lot of conversation. Men have the same 8 or 9 conversations with minor variations many times over. Women don't seem to.
Now I will acknowledge there are many things female that I don't think are so great. Vicious cattiness, bad hair days, glass ceilings, sore feet, having to spend more time on grooming, health issues, cycles, not being able to throw, and purses. Just to name a few.
Net/Net the girl club looks pretty neat to me. I wouldn't want to be a full time member as there are great things in the guy club as well. But crashing the club from time to time just seems to be what I want.
I guess that is why expressing my self as a woman is more important to me than wearing a woman's cloths.
Kelly