Crossdressers-Haven.com

I wrote a letter to the younger of my two older sisters who is my full sister:

Please respect my privacy and keep this knowledge private. I do not think anyone knows this and if not there will be no undoing it once I push send.
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N, I ask that you keep this to yourself, I never told any of this to Mom and Dad. I do not want T to know, she could not accept it and I do not want to ruin my relationship with T, and do not want any of her children to know. I believe you are more pragmatic. Perhaps I should not do this. I do not want to ruin our relationship as brother and sister. When we thought GIII was gay, he since has a girl friend so I am very glad he came out of that but you were not bothered by it in the least. I have lived a life of private torment my entire life. I am not Gay but I do have a huge issue. I am screwed up in an area of my life I live with an inner tension that will probably go back and forth my entire life as it has every day of my life even moment to moment. This goes back to something you do not remember but I remember playing in the back room at grandmas and having a dress put on me when I was about 3 y/o and your telling me you always wished you had a little sister - I remember this it stuck with me, it was fairly innocent play (dress-up) between children and I am sure you will deny all memory of it because it is not a significant memory for you. I remember Mom making me wear a white adult T-Shirt in public walking from the boat to the car at the Ocean Springs Inner harbor because I was soaking wet from washing the decks of the Camille I distinctly remember at about age 4 feeling embarrassed, and not wanting to be seen without any pants on though the T -Shirt covered me fully. I was more comfortable when you took me by the hand and we walked to the car and got in so I was not alone. Any memory of well girls wear dresses is a confabulation on my part but I think that thought was in my mind that this was like a girl wearing a dress. I wonder if these memories significant for me because I remember them, not vividly but they are definite and they are there gave me these ideas which later led me to start secretly finding it a turn-on to my little perverted mind to try on girls things when no one was in the house? I was aware women dress differently, I remember running my hand over my grandmothers stocking and her pulling back and saying stop that. I remember being in a satin dress with white fringe (a flapper costume?) with the stockings on and being in the kitchen then hearing kind of a gafaw with snickering and laughing below the kitchen window and a little while later you came in with your date - I also remember seeing you cuddling on the living room floor kissing with the lights out while I was watching TV in the family room on the other side of the kitchen. But her we are I am 56 and what difference does it make now? We rarely see each other we lead distant and separate lives I have mulled over outing myself to you for a few years now. Still, while it might help me to feel some of the weight of this secrecy lift by being more open (not that I would ever dress in front of you) I would not do that because I am your brother and you know me as a man and I am mostly so after all even if screwed up at times. Then again no one related to me knows except George, and Pat knew, the psychologist, You (now).... Oh well however this started it has been with me my whole life from about age 3 and I cannot free myself from it. I have tried, prayed abstained, reasoned trying to figure it all out or sort it out but even reasoning it out and coming to accept it it I will always have a pleasant enjoyment in feeling feminine and wearing women's clothing at times the rest of my life. I do not know what happened to me, certainly before age 3 (don't know when It was when I ran my hand over grandma's stocking noticing a difference in women's dress). I have just had to accept that I am less than a full man when it comes to gender. our concept, and our identity as sexual beings. Mine is messed up I will forever be or have part of myself that is on the female side of the fence. I see a beautiful woman showing her legs in a beautiful dress like on fox just now and envying her and wishing I could be in a dress like that. Yet I remain primarily male, hetero (anything else to me is repulsive so I know and no I have never desired to even try that because It causes me to cringe), but perhaps not as manly in every way, do not care at all about sports - like watching paint dry (well there is some interest in the America's Cup). I am not as competitive or willing to confront which is why I was passed over twice in the military that is not leadership material in military terms. T has noted with absolutely no knowledge about this side of me that I am sensitive, not as decisive, more soft heart ed. and as Mom said I am the playboy of the family - I suppose my lack of ambition or drive to have a career - I had one but it was so that I could arrive where I am now doing what I want to do, following what I am interested in when I am interested in it with no definite focus.

Not sure where all that came from but I am prone to this, because there are no definite answers that can be run into a machine that spits out an answer on a card that states this is what I am and it is in the genetics (this inclination), or I was socialized like this at a young age because of some key experiences, or some experiences lead me in this direction and it turned into compulsive behavior and an addiction. WHO KNOWS! I am just a pervert and will always be one fortunately or unfortunately for me. I have accepted it and believe I am fortunate to enjoy both - most aspects of being a man but also cherish my enjoyment of being a girl or having a partly feminine spirit and outlook on life sometimes.

Finally, If all of these memories are in my head - well they are there in my head. I do not blame you in any way - not at all. In this memory that is in MY head it was just innocent play as young kids, hell I remember stepping into grandma's shoes thinking of all of this but without any perverted thoughts attached - it was just play.

Mom and Dad NEVER knew, I worked very hard and was always exceedingly careful to make every effort to keep all of this from them and with reason! If I were confronted with this by them and I would have been it would not have been good for me at all they would never have accepted this. You will probably not either. John does not know, but I did tell George because he told me he was Gay, AND because he was over age 18. He has even seen me in a dress twice. Oh well. that's it...George your brother.
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Now that I have ruined things? I am doing am care for Pat, then to church, if you want to talk about this call in the late afternoon or evening or just write me back. let me tell you this - I am pretty much who you see all the time I am no different than I have ever been except for this whatever it is and that is in private. Oh and my personality stays the same, no I do not prance around limp wristed talking in a fake falsetto it is just me with these errent feelings on the inside being given expression on the outside in private. I may watch TV, do things around the house, but it is fleeting because keeping this in private means I reign it all in to maintain control and to keep it private.
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This all started really about age 9 and has continued ALL of my life to now and will continue. I am just tired disclosure is dropping baggage freeing myself of the burden, just coming clean to breath free air on this part of who I am and it is just that part of who I am as a full person. I hope this is not - was not wrong of me. This is not done to be an exibitionist, it has psychological benefit for me - why should I torture myself my entire life for being who I am on the inside, it's not fair so I would much rather be out with it.

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As I am helping pat (AM care and breakfast) I keep thinking of these clarifications. No I am not seeking permission or necessarily would I desire things to change between us, I am not seeking permission to dress around or in front of you - I'm your brother! No you if you ever want to see me again, do not have to go overboard with it, it is more just understanding background knowledge of who I am that's all. Pat did not know until I could not stand it any more 7 years into our marriage - terrible thing to do and something if I ever have another relationship I will never do to another woman hence I am likely to spend the rest of my life alone as disclosure will be not long after the relationship starts to show promising signs. I thought If I got married it would go away - it didn't but that was not why I got married, I got married because I loved Pat, she was a perfect match for me and I wanted a life partner which I have/had, and the traditional ingrained desire for a marriage and children - been there have sons...
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Hope I am not late for church... Sex and gender are two separate things. I am a man, my gender is screwed up I believe. But as I speculate that most of my gender leans male I would never ever seek gender reassignment surgery, or any permanent outward signs that may give a hint of that part of me by piercing my ears. or anything else, including hair style. Really I am your brother and I keep beating up my lower legs but I have realized I am 56 not 26 and am trying to not do things which would further injure myself, and acting accordingly so as not to strain or pull muscles.
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You know if Mom and Dad and You and T did know you have done me a huge disservice, if so that would be not good. But not so that I could not put it behind me, I would just be kind of upset because I have lived my whole life or most of it hiding part of who I am. So if so that was wrong, but perhaps it was the times....

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In my mind, I have no problem with it at age 40, don't know what it is about age 40 but I realized this is not going to ever change, matter of factly it is just part of who I am as a person and came to fully accept it and myself and that was very freeing as well. I do not expect this to change anything between us except that when we talk or when we see each other we will now know that we both know and that is all, do not send me any pink cards or any little gifts or whatever. It should just be that we both know that we both know, and that this openness can on occasion give rise to fleeting comment...

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Probably 80% perhaps 60% even fully open to everyone it still does not change my basic personality, or who I have always been in your presence or in private (mostly).

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You know probably the best way to handle this is to not say anything at all...as if you never received this who knows and I will assume you know and you will know that I know you know and nothing more needs to be said about it. These feelings come and go but as far as I know no one knows and those who do have kept it inside. Perhaps I will never hear from you again? Well. Recently I have come upon this perspective that our life time is just a nano second in eternity, we are only here for a brief time though we tend to see it in terms of years and decades, generations, it is really not that long. I am in early fall using that idea. I recently came across a beautiful singer singing Dvorak's "Going home" and another a Norwegian song called Koppangen really beautiful. I am a Christian. so I have these feelings at times it has not changed my basic personality, or my masculine persona and way of being - well there are moments but that is nothing I share openly. It is hard to live with angst denial and worrying about something I can't do anything about short of a lobotomy and electrical convulsive therapy. I did not have to share this, but somehow I had to. Sorry. George

1:16 PM (2 hours ago)

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Oh! this is a huge thing...When I did this as it was in cast off clothing that no one was wearing anymore, I think that is somethng that should be said otherwise it is a huge violation. I did not pick through anyone's drawers for personal items - it was items in boxes in the garage because I knew the risk involved if personal items were disturbed, I did all that I could to hide this and go undetected right down to carefully noting how an item lay and where the creases were so I put it back exactly as it was. I knew if I were ever caught it would be very bad.

I wrote to an online friend I met on a dating site who knows because I posted a long explanation of what is the most private thing ...something... and she kept responding and in touch, it moved off the dating site to facebook messages, to email, I had to tell her:

Well have a preliminary response...Whew!
My dear brother ... I love you no matter what!!! I have not been able to fully read your e-mail, Tom is here and we're preparing for a trip. However, he will be at work tomorrow and I PROMISE to read the entire message. I think I got a quick gist of it ... so no worries. I love you and will read all tomorrow. Until then, do not fret. I will write tomorrow. Love you,
I think I am finding surprising acceptance as I told her this has always been something I have struggled with and that I keep it private.
I also told the hospice chaplin a lady and she was fully understanding and prayed for me very reassuring. These small advances are very special for me.
I find that I am not judged but accepted and loved, supported or understood after a life time of private torment it is more than I can express. I rolled the dice and the result was as hoped for - will find out more later I suppose.

It is good to hear that your sister seems to be accepting of you. That will be a huge weight off of you, and you can go from there.

Seems - I am wary and know to be but I think from what she wrote that it will be alright. She accepted my son who her son saw talking openly on facebook about being being in a relationship or something I cannot remember now, she phoned and accepted it right away, my older sister is more traditional and sharp as a tack and was full of advice she is much more traditional and closed which is why I made the decision to come out to My other sister who is older than I but younger than my oldest sister.

I know what I wrote was pretty intense, but that was my actual letter to her and I was also fudging some inorder to be very careful while still getting the message across that I am as I am. You see I used the term Pervert - to me that is just a deviation from society's norm so on the face of it yeah it is true. I may have maid it seem I would not get my ears pierced or grow my hair, or shave my legs - but my legs are shaved, toes polished, I have thoughts about piercing my ears, or perhaps growing my hair longer.

Threading a needle I was being very careful, she is smart enough to probably realize there is more there than I am letting on. I might if my femm side is flowing want to dress openly if she is ok with it, would love advice from her on make up for example, perhaps this will draw us closer and she will have the little sister she wanted as a kid?? I think 40% female gender is a good guess for me were I free to run wild - who knows....

Anne, It seems your sisters response is the one that we all look for. I'm am happy for you as I know it will help to ease much of the tension in your life. Enjoy it!

It seems so, and that makes this a big night in my life, I cannot express it in words. Relief, acceptance, love, understanding wonderful relief after a life time.

Good for you Anne.
It seems your sister just loves.... you. That's a massively wonderful thing.
You've laid a lot on her.. she gets the picture and its okay!
I would sit back and relax a bit. No need to indirectly apologise or self label yourself at all. Over time she will realise its not crisis driven and who knows what can happen? The signs are good!

Here's the verdict from my sister...

Okay ... so I've read the whole string ... and, wow, I have to say I'm sort of blown away. I had no idea ... nor have I ever thought about your gender as anything other than male. So, I guess this was a need to share on your part, but you have left me in an awkward situation. Now I have a burden of secrecy with those around me. I do not keep secrets from Tom ... but I also want to respect your wishes that this remain private, so unless you give me permission, I will keep this to myself. It's not an issue that changes our relationship ... it's just a different side of you that I did not know about.

I do not believe that this is an unusual fetish ... I think that through the times there have been men who preferred female clothing ... just as there are women who prefer to dress as men. Just think about it ... women wear jeans and t-shirts all the time and no one gives it a second thought. But in fact, we are dressing as boys when we do ... and no one cares. However, the other way around ... men dressing as females ... has always been seen as strange behavior, and I'm not sure why. It's an interesting juxtaposition.

I'm wondering what your psychologist has to say. I don't see this as a "disease" that should be cured. But I do wonder where the urge came from. As you wondered yourself ... is it genetic? or created from some past incident? I have no idea. I do not remember the memories you shared ... but then my memory has never been as sharp as yours. Kids play dress up all the time ... and it is encouraged as part of healthy development and creativity. Why some of this influenced you this way is a mystery to me. I do have a memory of you loving to stroke grandma's and mom's, too ... nylons. I vaguely remember them chuckling and saying that you just loved the way they felt. But, to me, that was like petting a puppy's fur ... or running one's hand over velvet ... it just feels good. Like babies who put everything in their mouths ... it's satisfying. It doesn't mean it's wrong.

Oh well, there's not much to say. I was taken completely by surprise, but if this part of who you are ... fine. I still love you ... frankly I am more concerned by your political rants and anger than by your personal preferences. You stress so much, I worry about your health. As you say, life is but a nano second ... you owe it to yourself to live it happily.

So, be happy ... be yourself. I will always love you. N


Me: Can you believe there could be a more ideal response than this, I think the second paragraph blew me away...our thinking and reasoning is SO similar. People may wonder if I wrote this myself and am just writing fiction - well, I have no way to prove the above response - all I did was cut and paste her response and stand on my word. Believe it or not. I did give her permission to share with whoever, but told her I was not sure about her sons, and did not want my older sister to know - she is very traditional with a mindset out of the late 50's, early 60's, she is exceedingly meticulous, digs into everything she can find on a subject and then would proceed to try to cure me - I do love my older sister but she can be overwhelming and overbearing and does not know when to back off sometimes. Very opinionated. I even sent my two best pictures to her but have heard nothing since so that is done. And my inner peace over all of this has grown, like my online female friend stated she has my back and I feel that my sister now has my back on this. After a life time I do not know what to say. You pick your battles, know who not to tell, as you can choose what venues are safe if you decide to venture out and that would not be at a truck stop in the south if you know what I mean. Cannot believe how well this turned out.

I wrote in a similar fashion to my daughter & she took it well.,Persevere
She still loves her Dad

It's not always bad news when people truly love us. I wish I could have lifted myself of this burden years ago when I was younger, cannot speculate of how things might have been different, maturity and self acceptance took time, forming the correct self concept and it took years because of that evil thing - society and social mores, the assumptions and twisted thinking, scorn ridicule otherwise little boys like us would be free to be running around in pretty pink party dresses and playing with girls at least some of the time. Too bad. I can only go forward from here.