Crossdressers-Haven.com

This has been such a preoccupation all of my life it is hard to stop analyzing it over and over and over again. It is incredible I can think back to age 3-4 when I first experienced or noticed a difference between male and female dress, skip to age 9, and on up. Sure there were some months perhaps when I did not think about this much but now at age 56 it is hard to stop thinking about it. And I think it comes down to finding relief from this issue which comes through adjusting my outward appearance to match how I am feeling inside which ranges on a scale from masculine to feminine. What that means is not doing anything at all and just being "me" to adding something as little as nail polish on my toenails to being completely feminine head to toe. My sense of gender fluctuates moment to moment or may last a week or more even though most of the time my gender matches my sex. People may make of it whatever they desire but most find it hard to believe gender can be as screwed up as for someone who suffers from a mental disorder while admitting medications are needed to help control those. In other words... Society recognizes schizophrenics for example, and others cannot just stop being schizophrenics - they recognize this is a real health issue caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain which can be corrected with the right medication. It may be that the right medication for people like us has just not been discovered yet or it may just be how people like us are made. Obviously if the Psychologist knew of a treatment he would have referred me to a Psychiatrist, instead he stated there is no issue as it has not effected my ability to function and I am not causing harm to anyone. Until then, all we can do is find comfort by finding relief and balance and go with the flow.

Sadly what you say is true. I think SRS is the only real solution when the drive is causing idenity and emotional problems. Once you reach the point where you want to present fem 24/7 and come out to everyone it's time to take that step. Otherwise the quality of life sucks.
I haven't quite reached that point I believe I'd be much happier but, as a care giver and at an advanced age I'll just pull up my big girl panties and muddle thru the remainder of my life and hope for re-incarnation as the woman I always wanted to be.

Anne
There is absolutly nothing "wrong" with us
It is simply the fact that society has not caught up with acknowledging the fact that gender is a continum not binary

The journey for acceptance is no different that the journey that the gay community has made
They have succeded and are out and about

Perhaps it will not happen in our lifetime
but I pray that someday that gender fluid people wil be given the respect and consideration that they deserve

Diane

Yep, if you can, go with the flow. Do what it takes to ease the desire or turmoil, or whatever.

Wendae wrote: I think SRS is the only real solution when the drive is causing idenity and emotional problems. Once you reach the point where you want to present fem 24/7 and come out to everyone it's time to take that step. Otherwise the quality of life sucks.

I disagree, Wendae.

SRS isn't for everyone in that situation, and some who forgo such a change have found peace within themselves such that their quality of life is adequate for them.

Some who do undertake SRS still find their life sucks, as it isn't and end all to their problems.

I agree with Donna and the statistics
Only about 10-18% of TG people actually go through with full SRS

Depending on your stage of life it might not make any sense at all.

There is no reason that you can't live full time without SRS

This is not an all or nothing proposition

I guess we have to come to grips with the conumdrum
While most of us love to be female
Not everyone of us hates to be a man

Unless the presence of any maleness is a major issue for an individual
SRS may not be the correct path.

Diane

I am glad to find such company, this has always been a wonderful site. I suppose my reasoning has led me to the point where I am now and that is at an end to all of the analysis. I have achieved the best answer I am capable of and for me it is convincing and has the ring of truth. I feel relaxed and at peace, today is a day I have glossy shiny red toenails in my shoes and I am pleased with that and feel balanced. This is as it should be. I am corresponding with my sister, out to my son, a psychologist, a pen-pal, and my wife who knew 7 years into our marriage, and who now in our 21st year together is suffering from advanced dementia. I have arrived where I should be with the proper perspective on all of this and I am happy.

No SRS is NOT for everybody and definitely would not be right for me I am more centered in my masculine, male self than in my feminine self. I have never seen a dress for example as just another item of clothing, never felt I was born in the wrong body and none of that has changed for me. My gender fluctuates all the hell all over the place as does the time it tends to stay at one place! I think If I were centered over half the time in my female self, If I felt I was born in the wrong body virtually from age 3-4 on, and that Dresses were for me just clothing and nothing more - SRS would be the correct choice but it is not and never will be and I know that because I know myself.

So I am happy, and lately seeing my pretty toes makes me feel happy. Hopefully my sister and I will develop a closer relationship because we seem to be communicating more lately. Anne

DonnaT wrote:Some who do undertake SRS still find their life sucks, as it isn't and end all to their problems.

I have friends who went with MTF SRS. One had a quite successful transition but is still surprised that she didn't automatically like boys; yet has three daughters and is still a motorcycle and car race driver. Another, a doctor, also became a beautiful woman, but was not emotionally prepared for the depth of feeling and hatred this generated in some of her friends and coworkers, so she killed herself.

Yet another friend, also a doctor, became the LGBT spokesperson for Kaiser Hospitals because nobody else had the guts to handle it, and it really needed handling, and she was the toughest person she knew.

In each instance the challenges were immense, and even though each of them had been warned, not all survived let alone thrived.

It's almost never a straightforward matter. And it's certainly not for everyone, even those comfortable living the life 24/7.

I find that I have to stop myself from going back and revisiting the same old issues over and over again. That alone was one of the biggest reasons for working hard at accepting myself. Continually asking ones' self the whys of why we like to wear the clothes that we do, could drive us all nuts. Even with a higher degree of acceptance, I still find myself drifting back to the whys.
Something that I remind myself is this, when we look across the fence into the neighbors yard, we think that the grass is greener over on that side. What am I saying, many think that things will be better if they just transistion to the other side. But will they? The same problems may still be there, or now the person starts to think that maybe they shouldn't have made that jump. So what's the point, don't make any decisions in haste, work harder at self acceptance, and enjoy what life you have while you still got it. If that means you wear panties, bra, and skirt, so what, just don't hurt someone else in the process. We all need to focus on the real issues of life, like love, kindness, compassion, peace, patience, goodness... you get the drift. I remember someone once saying, "if we spend our time doing the does, we will not have time for the don'ts". I am talking about character issues here, not clothing choices, in the end what difference does it make what they bury you in, if your dead your dead. If you believe in a next life, the only thing you can take with you will be found in your soul, character, you can't take your money, or your wardrobe. So get over those issues and look at what the real issues are!

I very much agree with Gillian, I think we spend way too much time worrying about this. (And here I am on a Saturday afternoon worrying about it............) OK, so I'm just as guilty of that as everyone.

Well they aren't just clothes, to me. I like them, I enjoy wearing pretty clothes, feeling feminine, I like the way they feel, the way they look, and the way they make me feel. Yeah, it's weird, but so what? OK, so it's not normal but normal only means being like everyone else and I don't want to be like everyone else anyway.
So it is, basically go with the flow. I just do what works for me and I don't really have to explain myself or justify my feelings.

As a pre-op TS, God how I hate labels, let me weigh in on this if I may. I went full time femme at the ripe old age of 52. The circumstances presented themselves to me and I seized the moment to use a trite term. My employer of over 25 years offered me a buyout to tide me over until I could start collecting my pension and having been single all my life and earning a good living I took them up on their offer. Just about everyone I worked with knew of my transgenderism, thankfully working in the entertainment industry it was not a huge issue, so when my now ex-employer called me 6 months later and offered me a consulting contract I told them that it would be Karen taking it as my name change had gone through and I had started HRT. They had no issues with that. I am only telling you al of this as background.

I had originally planned on GRS but one thing led to another and I kept putting it off between work, personal issues, and all the other excuses we can think of. One of the biggest issues to me was that is major, major surgery and there are always risks associated with that. Well then I started making friends as Karen outside of the TG world, then came a boyfriend, then another, well you get the picture.

What I am trying to say through all this rambling is one's gender is how you perceive yourself, not your biologics! One can be happy living their life as they see fit and accept what life offers them. You do not need GRS to be happy nor will having GRS make you a better person, just go with the flow and live your life to its fullest as you want!

Right I think my point is just that - I am no longer worrying about it, I am "going with the flow" I love looking at my shiny red toenails, they will stay that way until I will have to paint them again because they grew out. I am loving keeping my legs shaved and no longer worry what people think, there have been no comments. I prefer the snug fit of nylon panties that are kind of stretchy, holds everything in place and gives me a slimmer profile - actually they are more comfortable than my cotton briefs. etc.... I am wearing what I am comfortable wearing, sometimes I have opportunity to dress fully. I told my wife years ago though she now has dementia, she knew and more or less accepted it, told my older son who does not care, a Psychologist when I was seeing him related to my feelings about my wife's declining condition and caregiving - he thought I was fine!, told my closest sister, she accepted it, There is a pen pal that came from a dating site where I fully outed myself, she has been wonderful. I sent one of my messages for my pen pal to my mechanic friend - no mention of it. I do need to tell my youngest son, but will wait until he is 18 or 19...but wonder if his response will be any different than my other son's. Opening the door more and more...going with the flow - life is better and If I should have girlfriends after my wife is gone, I plan to be up front about it. I also told the hospice Chaplin only positive acceptance. I am thinking of telling my sitter because she does wash our clothes and I think it is wrong to have to stuff the dirty ones in a drawer or pick them out of the dirty clothes before she comes - she should know.

I admire your courage, Anne. For sharing the turmoil you are experiencing. I have long thought that 80 percent of therapy is simply telling someone what is really 'eating your heart out'. I am grateful that that this site exist so that you feel safe enough to share your inner angst here. Someday I might need such an outlet and your have demonstrated that it is here.

It is pretty clear, to me anyway, that you have been immersed lately in a particularly thick pink fog. That is no surprise, given the extraordinary life stress you have been experiencing. Although we are a diverse group, I think that for some of us cross dressing is a symbolic barrier we put up against forces of the world that make us unhappy. Nobody else can (or will) see that underdressing, or painted nails, or the degree of dressing we do in the privacy of our homes. But we use these diversions as wards against the pressures of life; an escape, a life jacket. It gives us some relief from the pressures we feel. Don't know if this is everything that is going on with you, but I suspect that it is part of it. Everyone needs a sanctuary from time to time.

I, too, am coming out of the fog. Part of my realization as the air cleared is the women are people too. They have to worry over the utility bills, the bald tires, the leaky root (an the structural rot underneath) just like men do. Life still happens, and there are problems to deal with.

I'm glad to hear that you are going with the flow. It is all you can do, so why fight it. It is the first step toward contentment.

That is what I wish for you, contentment.

Kelly.

You've had good advice here already Anne. I'm definitely following the go with the flow style. I spent 50 yrs claiming I was CD and denying even to myself that there was anything more. Now I've admitted I'm seeking transition, I find difficulty explaining to people that it is a direction rather than a destination. I might go all the way, I might get off part way or I might even change lines at some stage. It is a journey of exploration and who knows where I will end up. Follow your wishes where they take you and ignore the so-called rules.