Crossdressers-Haven.com

Today I was talking about purchasing a new long tooth comb and wire type brush for my wife with her sitter who knows about Anne. Not mentioning that I told her that I have learned how to use these to fluff out and style hair with them. She started to give me some advice on how to style Anne's (my hair). As I was thinking about benefiting my wife with my brush and comb and I had to stop and clarify... Oh...

Then I said you know...some one on one of those blogs told me to be careful, and I told her because she has been so accepting of me. I only under dress when she is here sometimes. I told her that I know you see a lot of things and you have to be accepting for that reason. I am an employer and you are an employee. I should not have shared all of this. She corrected me, stating If I felt uncomfortable I could have called and told them I did not want to come back here. I have people in my family who are gay. She assured me that this does not bother her at all and put me at ease that all that she has said is the truth. She does understand, and she does not have any problem with it because this is just the way that I am. Again she told me there is nothing wrong with me. Isn't that wonderful?

I told her I know you have had a difficult life and that I had written on a blog about what a wonderful person she is. I was not really prepared and was a little nervous but I felt the need to explain more to her much of what I have been writing here lately. That at 40 I came to accept that this is not going away because this is who I am. That though I do not know how women feel, but when I feel what I perceive to be what I believe is "feminine" inside that I desire to express that outwardly by dressing so that I am in sync internally and externally and that it brings peace, comfort and joy.

I have been allowing my hair to grow out longer so that I can style it in a longer man's style or in a feminine style when desired. I was a bit nervous because and unsure probably went on more than I was comfortable but told her also that I had told my wife 7 years into our marriage and that it took about a year before my wife began to understand enough to tolerate my dressing but that I did not dress much around her because of that, not that I did not have periods when I would dress at home, I did but never felt entirely relaxed about it because there is a difference between her "understanding" and tolerance which is not the same as the acceptance she (my wife's sitter) is giving to me.

So...I have lots of clothing, and have been purchasing more lately, my toe nails are glossed and the sitter has seen them. I did show her some pictures of myself fully dressed.

I don't know how I am feeling really today. I acknowledge that I am housebound and am not able to be out and about the way we used to before Alzheimer's started to rob my wife of her abilities and that this may be coming out more because I do not have an active life I told her.

In fact this is who I am, and will continue to be. I told her I just want to be able to dress and feel comfortable and completely relaxed because I like the clothes, how I feel when I need to dress. I never experienced what she is giving to me, I told her and I know very few women are like her. I asked her ...When my wife is gone, I can do nothing now because I am married and would never dishonor my marriage I told her - but would you like to date when my wife is gone? Perhaps that was wrong of me?

I know that no decisions should be made especially now, and that there should be no permanent decisions for at least a year after my wife is gone because I need time to recover before I can trust that my mind is right. I should not have said this to her. But it did not seem to affect her. Think I will apologize when I see her again and not push or talk about any more of this because mentally I am just not in a position to trust my own judgement or feelings in the midst of all of this. One of the elders told me I am under tremendous stress (the church knows absolutely nothing about this side of me) but I suppose I am under tremendous stress. Well off to feed my wife.

I have a brother who went through exactly what you are going through several years ago. The time came when his wife, who was his High School sweetheart, didn't know any one or any thing and was a vegtable. He was and is a very social person with thousands of friends. His needs couldn't be met by his marriage and he started to go out to social events.

This wonderful widow, who also had some social needs came into his life at one of these social events and saved his sanity and probably his life. We, in the family who loved Phyllis also grew to love Grace as she became a member of the family only six weeks after Phyllis' death.

There is nothing wrong with you having social needs and you and "whoever" can make your own ground rules. Just live by those rules.

I hope this is helpful.

Rhanda

It is hardest when I think about my wife, so I have learned not to and to try to do things around the house and interact with others when I can. Now that does sound as If I am tossing my wife into a corner and leaving her there - far from it - I am the caregiver and I do provide hugs and pray for her and talk to her and morning and evening care, bed side commode feed all the meals, etc...but in between I have to do other things or I would go crazy. Today I fixed the door bell, my wife when she was active and going in and out the door was on the porch one day and ripped the doorbell button off - it is amazing to think I lived without it for well over a year, perhaps close to two, and it was gratifying as a DIY project to rig a shop light as my continuity tester, diagnosed the transformer for the bell was out, found what switch on the electrical panel it was connected to and went to Lowes while the sitter was here, looked on you tube where you can find anything and now have a new lighted doorbell that ding dongs! Things like that get my mind on something else and bring a sense of accomplishment and a feeling that I have done something even if it is small.

In Lawrence of Arabia there is a scene near the beginning in which Lawrence performes a trick in which he holds out a lit match and lets it burn until it is extinguished because the flame has met his bare fingertips. Asked if it hurts, he quips "Of course it hurts but the trick is not minding that it hurts."

In the same way I should not allow things to bother me when I am in the mood to dress. Not caring or thinking just going about my business. Who in their right mind constantly focuses of what clothing they are wearing, If they feel good and bring relief and I am happy that is all focusing my thoughts on whatever activities I am engaged in at present.

HUH!...I just learned that Peter O'tool has died at age 81 another great has gone from an earlier time in movie history, how sad. He was famous for playing T.E. Lawrence and they played some of that along with other roles like Goodbye Mr. Chips and others.

Heeding my own advice is a page turner I think.

I am wearing women's lee jeans, navy polo, belt, ankle socks, and New Balance tennis shoes without ear rings and lipstick, and wearing a coat that is neutral in appearance too I am going to take my walk completely crossdressed and no one will know I think that's fantastic. out in public in and do not have to worry about it. I can stay this way the rest of the day if I want. Now stop thinking about it!!!!

Anne Bonny wrote:In Lawrence of Arabia there is a scene near the beginning in which Lawrence performes a trick in which he holds out a lit match and lets it burn until it is extinguished because the flame has met his bare fingertips. Asked if it hurts, he quips "Of course it hurts but the trick is not minding that it hurts."

All the President's Men, the Watergate film, has a scene where that line reappears. Deep Throat tells Woodward that he was at a party once and saw Gordon Liddy keep his hand in the flame "until the flesh was burnt". Someone asked him what's the trick and Liddy replied similarly "the trick is not minding" (or words to that effect).

It's clear that Deep Throat doesn't approve and that's the message sent by the film also - as Liddy was one of the villains.

So...I don't know...The thing about both Lawrence and Liddy was that they kept themselves metaphorically in the flame until they were burnt - I mean you can see that that is what happens to Lawrence in the film - even burnt out.

Actually, my mother took me to see Lawrence of Arabia when I was a child - and she absolutely hero-worshipped the guy and my feeling was she was offering him up to me as a role model.

But I always felt a bit weird about the film - even though it is a very fine one - like do I really want to be modelling myself on someone so hyper and on the edge?

I was just recalling the scene. Actually the real T.E. Lawrence died in a motorcycle accident which the film shows. I like to sail worst that can happen is getting wet or getting knocked in the head by the boom if you jibe and it whips around and you happen to be standing. I would be on the water more but sailing is not worth it if you do not have about 4 hours at a minimum.

I may be the sailor in bikini bottoms and a t-shirt, never tried that but I find when I am engaged in my favorite activities my mind is not on crossdressing. I think being tied to the house may be leading me to dress more. Still...that side of me is always there somewhere. Identifying with women usually comes to me when I am relaxing at home, and things are quieter. At other times I am just your average guy.

Lately I have been enjoying my Triumph Spitfire - my Christmas present was dropping a couple thousand to install an oil cooler, heat shield, Twin SU HS4 carburetors, replacing the rotors and having the calipers rebuilt so I can stop. Also made a new dashboard and parcel shelves all out of Oak skinned plywood some complicated and very exacting cuts, staining and varnishing. The car now more than paces modern cars on the road and can really take off from 0 mph to 60 mph very quickly, and my turning radius beats probably most cars on the road I find myself driving the Spit a lot now - she's fun...restored the heater box and connected everything up, replaced the heater valve, having defrost and heat in cold weather is great. New sun visors, new foot pedal covers...in a few months I will start giving her a new interior and then have her painted and she should be fine. The other day I was driving to Lowes and some girl was going crazy about the car - cars today have no style. I also put a Union Jack license plate up front and have two over the rear side marker lights. 23andme confirmed I am British/Irish descent with nothing else - no American Indian, only .02% sub Saharan Africa... probably from Lucy, and 3% Neanderthal but no physical likeness to show for that. My tree done the traditional way is all English and Scott back to our entry into the country in the 1700's. Perhaps some Monty Python.

So Anne how was your walk yesterday? Did you stay dressed en feminine the rest of the day?

Erica

My wife purchased some new balance tennis shoes back when she was healthy, she had difficulty finding women's shoes that fit (which is fortunate for me as she wears a wide width, and an 8.5 but sometimes purchased size 10 wide width because her vamp is as large and broad as a mans - and on occasion these tennis shoes will fit my 10.5 D foot) but these have medium blue highlights, grey mesh, and the plastic trim is a silver metallic that is kind of shiny which leads me to believe these are women's New balance. But I did not wear them because they have been working on the drainage for the past 4-5 months and I have to step or walk over a lot of sandy, areas with some clay and mud and I did not want to get them dirty so I wore my Nike airs. I did remove my ear rings but did wear lipstick but in a shade close to that of my lips. but yes I did my walk and felt comfortable - no one noticed at all. I did not stay dressed all day I wanted to work on my Spitfire and did not want to mess up the Lee jeans. These Jeans actually fit, no baggy hips or thighs. They fasten high it seems, about the level of my belly button, the pockets are not as deep and the legs taper to the ankles but are just regular ladie's jeans. I am amazed that they fit correctly believe they are size 16 but do not know what to look for to find this fit in other jeans.

I recently purchased 3 cotton and two silky lacy camisoles to wear with or without a bra and am amazed especially with a bra how similar these items are to a regular old t-shirt. Of course the silky ones are tailored and float over the skin so they definitely do not feel the same as a guy t-shirt, really nice.

My dressing is a little more frequent being in some way shape or form everyday for the past 5-6 months. Especially as I have come to want this for myself it is a recognition that this is part of who I am. I am loving my longer hair and at night I brush it out and can feel the longer hair on my ears and neck laying in bed in my silky lacy chemise with my smooth legs and glossy deep pink toe nails. Never the less, I still dress and go male and do not think about any of it at other times and am comfortable.

I do not know why I am not thrilled to be a man wanting to build muscles, and enjoy being a manly man but I find I am not interested in football, hunting, or fishing. I do enjoy beauty in my world spiritually, and enjoy other things that are not so typical of masculine men - beauty being one, I also enjoy Loreena Mckennitt, and Enya more than mainline and manly country big in the south of course.
And of course I enjoy from time to time feminine grooming, jewelry, and clothing. I am more comfortable in the company of women, I can be with men and can find topics of mutual interest but do not share many main line leisure topics men would enjoy - around here that would include fishing more than hunting, and college and pro sports of various kinds - might as well watch paint dry. I mean no team is always the best, no team always wins, and the competition from play to play is nothing but the same thing again and again with some long gains or losses but it is difficult for me to get into a game or to find them exciting - and I am not even talking about basketball or baseball which I have NEVER watched, don't watch tennis though there are many women tennis stars perhaps this is not so much a feminine masculine thing but I am just not that into competition, or confrontation. I would rather drive myself to suit my own standards and interests. I do like what I call tinkering - making or fixing or maintaining things each success is a thrill - but I am not into sewing or dress making or quilting or needlepoint - tinkering is definitely a guy thing, shop tools are a man's sewing machine!

I do not shun house or "woman's" work dishes, laundry, floors, bathroom, some cooking but I am no cook. I suppose I am what you would call a domesticated man in that I do not see any of this as being beneath me, and I can even do it for my wife while she is relaxing though I do believe a woman should definitely share housework and gardening - I am into lawn warrior with my desert Boonie hat when needed to keep the neighbor from glaring at me as they drive past but I do admire a freshly maintained yard once done.

I suppose we all share some interests with women, and I believe I share more of these interests than would the typical male who believes the woman does housework and gardening while he does the lawn and the garbage then sits with a beer watching his favorite sport on TV while his wife cooks and cleans then brings the popcorn before sitting down with him.