The endless restlessness we have inside that never settles.

[Anne Bonny]

I hope I am not wrong moving part of my diary out here to see what other's think about this...

I find my desires lead to irrational thinking. I was full and had to spend time clearing my mind, still...I put on feminine clothing during that time. I have been thinking that I am a fetishist, I am attracted to women's clothing. I see my stiletto sandals in the closet and they call to me, as does sometime the memory of the weight of my hoop ear rings, and a desire to put on a dress leading to auto eroticism usually early in the morning when I wake up or at some point in the day when I am alone and the desire to dress comes to me, eventually leading to the same end. I am identifying with women wanting to be like them and to be accepted and wishing I could be a woman. - having my "fix" it "cures" me and I am back in male clothes and can move on for a while.

But I am alone well except for my wife who is total care, and my sons 18 and 20 who are in and out. Sometimes I dress for several hours and I do enjoy being like a girl (meaning savoring what I sense as my femininity my personality does not change, I do not raise my voice to a falsetto and pretend to move like a woman - that's false and dumb), more rarely it may be most of a day, and as for sleepwear I may be in panties and a night gown or chemise for bed and sleep that way for long periods a few months straight every night for sleep.

I really do like wearing women's clothing just to wear them too and will soon purchase two more dresses because I am not satisfied with the ones I have though some of them are fine, then perhaps it will be time for more shoes? I have dreamed of being taken by my fantasy wife to visit other women and out fully dressed and my thoroughly enjoying being accepted as or as one who is very like a woman - how nice that would be. I have in recent dreams fantasized my fantasy wife telling me when I wear pants you are to wear only dresses or skirts and tops, If I wear a dress you may wear pants then and as I don't often wear a dress if you don't you will be in dresses for a long time. I dream of submitting to her as many women do to their husbands, and of her loving me in dresses. If my mind is not clouded by irrational thought, I believe I really would desire such a life, though in reality knowing I could wear men's clothing if desired, the direction from my "husband" just being a statement of her strong desire to see me in a dress for her - gee...I would love that.

I guess this means I am back. I am a transvestite and I suppose there are elements of fetishism, but I am also a cross dresser though clearly not a transsexual. Transgender is a very broad term used very loosely by non clinicians. I cannot really say that I am internally or mentally female in natural bent, in thought, outlook and in preferences - no I would not say mentally I am very like a woman, but I cannot say with all that is going on inside my head that men have any of these kinds of thought at all. That being said my inner person is masculine it is just I have desires that are in conflict with those of a normal man. Is this dysphoria? Dysphoria is a state of unease, anxiety, and misery. Dysphoria is very similar to depression, which is also a form of extreme sadness. This is a strong word for more than being bummed: it indicates true misery. For myself there is "angst" if I want to dress but circumstances do not allow it - company present and I am feeling the desire to dress. There is this strong desire or compulsion, there is also a kind of misery in that I have lived this way for most all of my 57 years from an early age knowing society, parents, people are strongly opposed to my wearing female clothing. I can say I have lived a life in nearly constant torment and I would call that misery. If there is a Dysphoria scale I suppose I can claim a piece of that but nowhere near to the degree of a transsexual. I am not persistant, consistant, insistant in my presentation because much of the time I am indeed content being a man. Then stimuli from the environment excites my desire and I am tormented with angst to dress so that I can find relief. And I truly do believe I could live as a wife to a female husband, if in love for me she was not strong in her domination of me, as I never was with my wife - because who can tell a wife anything? Still I would like to have that understanding from my female husband in a marriage, this being a realistic recognition that I am not truly fully a man. Sigh...I am not sure what a clinician would say to all of this but I suppose I consider myself in some way transgendered or that I am not wrong in claiming a piece of that because I think it is true. I wish I knew a professional who in their difinitive knowledge would tell me - no you are a transvestite. This is an endless restlessness we have inside that never settles. Oh well.

[Carol Ann]

Hi Anne,
I read your post and a few others in the passed and I find you aren't to much different then me or most of us. What I find hard is why you keep torturing yourself about yourself and your feelings?

Hon nobody loves and enjoys getting dress and going out and shopping and enjoying themselves as much as I do, cloths I need two closets for my fem cloths and shoes and yes I still keep buying more.

My wife tells me I have more cloths then anyone in the world and stop buying, but it is the women inside me that keeps doing it. But for now Carol can not be full time but about 95% for family reasons.

Now my advice to you is do as I do and enjoy your femself as mush as you can and then enjoy your male side, and most of all LOVE YOURSELF for what you are a human being whom has feelings of being a CD'er. or a women

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Carol, I don't know why I torture myself. If I have accepted who I am why do I keep putting all of this through endless analysis over and over and over again to the point of tedium? Perhaps like the Forest Gump character it will be like one day I started running....until finally one day out of the blue I stopped. For now I am ok, who knows perhaps I will just stop it and move on. I feel I am very close to that if not there. Got to move on, and find those dresses and shoes so I can enjoy wearing them when I can.

I am living if you can call it that as a care giver, do not want my wife to die, but she is only declining, is total care, and is absolutely suffering every bit as much as someone in a persistant vegitative state though with rare communication which may or may not be related to a rational thought in her head. In truth I have no life and very much though in grief it is very painful do want her to hurry up and die so I can move on. There is no hope, she is only very gradually worsening and every day is like another - a tremendous burden on me, hours and hours of my time with little time else for myself. This situation is not right for her, and it is not fair to me either.

When I move on I do very much hope to start dating women hoping to find one who will finish the race with me, and I will absolutely be up front about being a crossdresser within a few dates. Wish me luck when that time comes. Who knows her Sitter may be that person? I could live with her but she does have a very large and involved family so perhaps that is not quite right for me objectively. Still she knows and is alright with it all even more so than my wife was - amazing. Anne

[Carol Ann]

Anne Dear,

I have and have been a caregiver to my wife for almost a year and a half, I don't even get to church on Sundays hardly anymore because I am afraid to leave her. Now I have and still do dress in front of her every day and she is fine with it.

She all to wells knows I will go full time if she passes away and she tells me I can do what ever I want after but until then she hold me down and said no to full time.
For what it's worth she still loves her male man so I please her as she does give me almost anything I want except going full time at this time.

Hon you have to take the good with the bad and enjoy your life.
My love Carol

[Anne Bonny]

Wow, we seem to have a lot in common, we are transvestites and like it, we are care givers, we have family and we are thinking about life after. There is a lot there that people outside of our experience can only imagine but not really understand what we are going through. How old are you? I am 57. Are you also doing it all - all the bills, grocery shopping, bills, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, yard maintenance, car maintenance in addition to taking care of someone who is completely helpless (though in your case it sounds as if she is alert and must be able to help herself some). What did you do in life? Are you retired like me? I was a Registered Outpatient Nurse specializing in Diabetic Education in which I had my certification and Master's Degree (Adult Health). What do you like doing? I like Sailing, Working on my 1976 Spitfire, and tinkering. There is a life outside of our feminine side. If anyone else is lurking about what are you like?

I see you are in South West Missouri I was stationed at Scott AFB just 20 miles east of St Louis prior to 2006 and moving home to the Gulf Coast. We traveled down through Jopplen on the way to Fayetteville to visit my wife's brother. I now have to worry about Hurricane season every single summer and keep up my insurance and my contingency fund just in case.

[Kelly]

Hi Anne,

When I think of you (and everyone else on this forum) I use the pronouns she and her. I intellectually know this isn't true (except for the screen names that in in SO or GG, or course), but in my heart it is true.

For what it matters, I give you permission to express and explore you feminine side. I celebrate it.

I wonder, though, after reading a lot of posts if you have given yourself permission. Don't know. It really is OK.

A while back I was in an auto parts store, there was an obvious TG (cross dresser or transitioned, I don't know) waiting in line to buy some windshield wipers. I caught a chance to speak to her and expressed my admiration of her courage. She replied some thing like If I can't come here I can't go anywhere. Now that is giving one self permission.

Yea, there are rednecks out there. Yes there are "friends" that turn out not to be. So what.

Enjoy what you have to enjoy. Nothing else matters.

Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

...I am alone well except for my wife who is total care, and my sons 18 and 20 who are in and out.

...Is this dysphoria? Dysphoria is a state of unease, anxiety, and misery. Dysphoria is very similar to depression, which is also a form of extreme sadness. This is a strong word for more than being bummed: it indicates true misery. For myself there is "angst" if I want to dress but circumstances do not allow it - company present and I am feeling the desire to dress. There is this strong desire or compulsion, there is also a kind of misery in that I have lived this way for most all of my 57 years from an early age knowing society, parents, people are strongly opposed to my wearing female clothing. I can say I have lived a life in nearly constant torment and I would call that misery.

....I wish I knew a professional who in their difinitive knowledge would tell me - no you are a transvestite. This is an endless restlessness we have inside that never settles. Oh well.

Yeah, but probably a professional wouldn't be thinking about giving you some sort of definitive knowledge that would set your mind at rest (that sounds more the province of religion). They'd likely be thinking in terms of helping you manage your problem.

So in that vein...

With me, when some project comes to an end or I otherwise find myself isolated from the world, my mind can go whizzing round in quite an unbearable way. Like it doesn't have enough to do and is searching for a solution.

Sometimes that can end up in my head being filled with CDing thoughts, so that it looks like the problem is that I'm not CDing enough. But actually the problem is that (my) nature abhores a (mental) vacuum.

I don't know if this is the case with you, though it occurs to me it might be. For, though caring for your wife is undoubtedly physically and emotionally tough, it doesn't (forgive me if I'm wrong) seem that mentally demanding.

With me, the solution is usually to find some new project which can give my brain something to do. Like you seem to have stuff that keeps you occupied on your boat and car, but you might need something more intellectually intensive.

[Paulette]

Dear Anne - you are not alone, and some of us have traveled the same path.

My wife of 40 years died in my arms five years ago, December 16th. My son and his gf helped me clean out and dispose of her things and distribute memorabilia. I was then alone in our house with my stash of feminine clothing. Out of habit I dressed only until my tension was relieved.

I spent time with friends and made the social rounds of the season, took up yoga, and worked out three or four days a week. I found dressing very relaxing and a great temporary relief from tension. Taking it outside the house was a source of further tension, so I didn't do that. It takes a while to settle down, accept, and begin life anew. I tried dating from among people I met at social and political gatherings (never on-line), and sometimes got much luckier than I expected. It happens. I read, wrote, took long walks, drove myself to exhaustion at the gym, and began underdressing when I went out. Made a nuisance of myself on Facebook -- all the usual things, I guess. Once I got to the gym only to discover that I was wearing nylon panties, but then simply found a locker in the corner and braved it out. Nobody even noticed, or if they did, didn't care. Underdressing became a great comfort and largely replaced any compulsion to go out en femme.

You never get over the passing of a life partner - don't expect to - but you do accommodate and incorporate. The fact of those years together just becomes part of who you are. You may think that the long period of care-taking prepares you for her passing. It doesn't. Judy and I knew where things were headed for over ten years. We'd done living wills and powers-of-attorney, notifying friends and relatives. Deciding what to do when the pain of living became greater than the pain of letting go. Choosing how to deal with the remains. The whole thing.

Even though some part of your head rehearses how you will deal with it, the reality is different. It took me four days to begin crying, and at least that long to stop. I'd break down at the grocery store or the gym. Years later, on hearing a great story, my first thought is still to tell it to Judy.

If you have a counselor - professional or religious - use them. Not being at all religious, I got invaluable help from the people at Compassion and Choices. They used to be the Hemlock Society and now mostly do counseling and support regardless of end-of-life choices, and work closely with hundreds of hospices. Counseling is not a cop-out, it's necessary. They've all been there many times and can help you get through it.

I've come to terms with my cross-dressing obsessions, and it too is now part of my life. It was two years before I met the woman who was to be my wife, and she accepts and encourages my exploration. These days it's not unusual for a partner to understand, or try to understand even if you don't yourself. Life goes on. You get to choose how you will live it.

Your loyalty and love for your partner is one of the things that's holding you together now. When you no longer have someone to care for, expect to be lost for a while. So do as I did and throw yourself into life, find what things make you happy, and build a new life around them.

You have our love and support, and of course our very best wishes.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I wonder why . how is it that womens clothes have such a hold on some here, i know the makeup shoes wigs and adormemts go along with that yet it allways comes back to the clothes,

im trying to understand whats really going on in your minds, for me it will allways come back to you all can dress so lovely .

To day i went to see Kaylyn and grand kids, she had a few appointments so it was a hi and bye till next tuesday when ill spend more time with them and its Dejarn's birthday on monday,

so did shoping and got some tools for prep work on our house, (sanding ). and food items .just a normal day. and talking with friends in a few shops .

now i was dressed in more summer clothes top and skirt and sand shoe's just nice womens clothes, and had a nice day,
get home change my clothes to work clothes and mowed the lawns.

now to me , i dont have male clothes only my womens and what ever i wear does not change who i am or if im in work clothes and bib overalls, doing dirty noisy sweat'y jobs oh forgot painting.

im a worker allways in moition so clothes dont enter into any thing ,

Heres the deal id be out working and you arrive all dressed up im dirty sweaty and grubby oh so nice to see you, as you look at me thinking your doing male work you enjoy it your not all dressed up na and when i am, skirt top sunhat sandles no makeup ill have my earings and neckless and that's it, gee what have you struck.

You see youd be all dressed up okay and youd expect your friends other dressers to be as well and go have a cupper and talk,

What drives you what forces you and your thinking is bound up in how you dress , ill be dressed in my Renaissance garb = clothes in two weeks time for a week yippy no more day to day wear, im home oooops what am i saying, i like my clothes after all, just they are very different, oh dear im weird yet you know what i like being weird and different, im not governed by some rule that tell me or forces or drives me to insanity because i wear clothes of long ago..

I accepted i was different i dont have to think about it this is who i am and clothes dont dictate what i can and not wear, ,
im wondering you have an issue with your self and you seem to be fighting with in, never getting to a place of contentment being happy being you theres this undertow that keeps working you over,

When i was dressed in uniform Navy 1960 -63 i was proud as punch i was happy doing what i was trained for, non combat, it was lovely, when i had to change back to me day to day wear it was a let down untill next time, now im doing it again different uniform still same detail yes its lovely, so i do understand to some degree how you think just not fully. i hope im some where near the mark.

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Had a very very long and thoughtful response for all but something happened, wound up shutting down without saving the text in a document to cut and paste back..Oh well Basically I agree with you all and it was much too long to have been read anyway. Pity....

[Noeleena]

Hi, Anne.

Oh heck thats a shame, pity things like that happen ,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I could have worked for another hour or so to recreate something very close to the original but c'est la vie...

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I know done that a few times and thought once iv writen my post thats it, to retrack no i lost the plot so gave up. quite a few times .

My issue is once i start writing i go for it it most times just flow;s except for spelling that slows me down and the spell checker does not understand my odd way so thats when i lose it, iv writen quite a few words down in a book, or i just keep my words simple, i still get frustrated ,

...noeleena...

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ladies -

It has come to my attention that this subject matter is currently being discussed in Anne Bonny's diary { http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 64&t=15147" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; }.

Therefore, this is considered a duplicate subject and it is now locked.



- SL