CDing then realizing it's more

[Christina Kay]

I know when I first came out, REALLY thought I was just cd. But oh no, granted that there are Boundries to how far my SO is willing to accept my dressing. She readily had no problem with the flood of feminine mannerisms. The shaving the body completely( didn't realize how much I disliked a lot of my male characteristics ,,,body and facial hair ) shaped eyebrows and nails slightly girly but not too long.
I think deep down I have know all along that I was more ,but just realizing it's a lot deeper. My gynecomastia , a blessing. Even though she hasn't seen me in makeup yet...,she said tonight you would make a pretty women.
Has anyone else experienced this roller coaster ride , afraid of where it might lead to? Does it increase so much that you lose control or it takes on a life of its own? Has your SO seen and adapted to this changing scenario , kinda of knowing where it was head before you did(or admitted to yourself).
Would be really interested to hear how others handled this runaway train. Thanks
Hugs

[Requal Jo]

I am afraid I cannot be of assistance with your questions Christina. I have been dressing for so long all those thoughts are in the past. Now, I am just a guy who enjoys wearing female apparel, with my wife's blessing.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Never did dressing unless i was done by other's namely my Mom when young or by two women for a end of year church do.
and i was not male enough to do it clothes did not interest me and what i wore i hated any way,
My cross dressing would have been a kilt = skirt, and blouse, male or female no differance for myself .
Clothes never changed who i am , born female with male characteristics a mix of both really.

...noeleena...

[Kelly]

Christina,

I have read through your earlier posts and this one about a gazillion times. You have been caught before coming out, your SO has set boundaries after you came out, since then you have not been shy about letting feme mannerisms manifest - apparently with not SO objection, and finally the SO says you would be a pretty woman.

So to the last part you say thank you and feel good. Every gal likes to be complemented on her looks.

But is it tacit approval by her? Are the boundaries not all that firm? Did she say it in a context similar to "does this dress make my butt look to large" kind of question?

I got to ask you, and more importantly you have to ask yourself, are you looking at the world now through pink colored glasses?

It may sound like I am being harsh. I'm sorry if it comes off that way. I am happy that you have a SO that is accepting and seems to be tolerant. I am happy that you're pretty (I should be so lucky). What concerns me, hon, is that after coming out such a burden has lifted, you are so relieved, that you are now so euphoric and gender boundary exploration the coolest playground in the world. It is like you are playing monopoly and are suddenly in possession of all the 'get out of jail free' cards. This is the so called pink fog we talk about. Baby steps are warranted. Don't burn any bridges.

I had a sudden awakening myself. Not from he result of 'coming clean' with someone else, but with myself. The many months after thing were indeed a roller coaster ride (nothing like yours, we each seem to have our own private amusement parks). An introspection I go through often now is: I was born and live on Mars. Do I want to MOVE to venus, or do I want to VACATION there; are the vactions brief or extended.

My answers, so far, is occasional day trips or weekend excursions. Fine for me. You have to answer for yourself. If you answer honestly, then fine for you.

Please be choose wisely, and please be happy.

Hugs,
Kelly

[Ginny Jones]

Hey Christina! I just wanted to respond to your post because it resonates with my experience.

I knew I was TS as far back as I can remember (though didn't have a name for it), but for lots of environmental reasons told myself that it would be best to play that down since it was inherently dangerous to express it! Fast forward to my late forties and I found myself living on my own. The house I bought needed renovating and was freezing! Now I hate sleeping in pyjama's and so thought I'd buy a nightie - I mean, nobody's around to object and so ...

Um ... I seem to be spending all my spare time in this nightie!

It's still cold here - perhaps if I bought one of those white fluffy dressing gowns ....

Wow - there's a sale on - I love the look of 50's A line dresses - No - I'm just being weird now! Oh why not?

What's the point of spending £300 a month on femme clothes when you end up looking like a bloke in a dress! After looking on the net - Hey perhaps I need a wig! Oh - and you can actually buy breast forms!

Um - I seem to be spending all my time yapping on the crossdressers-forum! I'm terrified of going out dressed - but wouldn't it be wonderful! And everybody is so encouraging! (Thanks Char, Kim, Davita, Leeza and Denise! x).

Oh that wasn't too bad! Infact - that was amazing!

Wow there are some local girls! And they want me to go out with them for a meal and then onto a club! OMG!

I REALLY REALLY REALLY like dancing when dressed! It feels so feminine!

I must practice my make up, walking, talking, ....

The trouble is - I'm attracted to women not men, and although the women are very accepting - it's a different deal getting into a relationship and being upfront about this stuff! And I certainly couldn't tell anybody that I'm close to outside of the community!


So here I am two years or so later! My best male friend (non-cd) told me he was glad I was so happy and that I could dress around him any time! I'm also in a relationship now - and my partner misses it when she doesn't see Ginny for a while! I also seem to know a lot about hormones and surgery for some strange reason! The laser is paying off; I've just had my ears pierced and my hair is just starting to touch my collar!


Christina - I refer to this process as "acceleration". All the way through I have been expecting the world to say - "You do what? Freak!" and none of the people that matter have done that! So I take the next step ... and then the next one!

I'm still somewhat in the closet - but have managed to eek out a femme lifestyle that meets my needs - including an active social life! I told my partner about Ginny before we even got together since I really didn't want to have any secrets in that relationship. She knows that full transition in the future is a possibility and still hasn't ran away yet (it's a funny old world isn't it?).

In terms of what puts the brakes on ... good question! This thing has brakes? That said, I have taken it slowly in terms of letting people close to me know about Ginny, and that cautious approach seems to have paid off! My sister is buying a house locally - so I plan to tell her within the next 6 months. I have decided that I won't ever tell my parents about Ginny. They are in their 80's and the truth is - whenever I have had any problems in life, sharing this with my parents has essentially turned a drama into a crisis! It is what it is - and I have accepted that.

As for the future - anything is possible! I don't retire for another 5 - 8 years so I figure I have time to work on the bigger decisions (like surgery).

My view is that I needed to do this when I was a child - but it wasn't safe to and so I have been fortunate to have another go at it - and this time it appears to be paying off! So I'll probably stick with it!

hugs Ginny xxx

[Anthony Simon]

I think deep down I have know all along that I was more ,but just realizing it's a lot deeper.

That's the way you sound. Except that you're excited by that and are just starting out on the road to wherever it goes.

Has anyone else experienced this roller coaster ride , afraid of where it might lead to? Does it increase so much that you lose control or it takes on a life of its own?

I'm still on it and those fears of it taking on a life of its own and me losing control definitely do resonate. I'm not sure there's an easy answer to where it leads. With me, the woman part of my life definitely needs a chunk of it for herself (which the rest of me fights like mad). But I also know that I would need also to express the male part of me.

Would be really interested to hear how others handled this runaway train.

Funnily enough the earliest record I ever had (when I was about 6 in 1960) was called "The Runaway Train". Sometimes, with me, the thing feels like a runaway train, sometimes not. Like the CDing (or whatever it is) goes up a level and then the train kind of recedes into the background. Like it's not absolutely insistent, well, stops being a runaway.

[Martina Hall]

Christina, sometimes the SO can seem accepting, and then later, become hostile. Just saying, heads up.

[Carol Esme]

I've had not so much a roller-coaster as launched myself down the ski-jump ramp. 50 years "just" a crossdresser, but then I started comparing notes on sites like this and before I knew it had accepted I was TS, started seeing a gender counsellor and got onto hormones and laser hair-removal. My wife accepts my crossdressing as long as I am discrete but strongly resists suggestions of transition. Something will have to change soon as my speed seems to be increasing towards a fall or a take-off.

[Davita]

Christina,
The one question so easily answered, "does it have a life of it's own?" Yes. What that life does to you is partly in your control and partly not. The part in your control is .... oh wait, I lost that control... I was running into destruction with wanting to be out to everyone that it was getting dangerous with my antics. A couple of my GG friends intervened and got me to see a counsellor -- some one to help me sort out what I was doing and why.

The roller coasters? Those are mostly caused by ourselves reading more into what people are saying and doing that might actually be true. This is both the positive and negative things they do.

For me to get things under control and to reduce the roller coasters, I set up a plan for what I wanted -- where I was going with my dressing. BTW, I'm probably TS, but I'm never going to transition. The plan has also made it possible for me to say this and not die from disappointment. Get yourself organized. Figure out where you want to go. Now like any plan, you can be ahead or behind in teh scheduled and you make adjust ments. Just keep in mind what you are trying to do for yourself and think too what you will settle for if you never can reach your goals.

When I first found a community to talk to, a few used to say, oh yeah you are just dressing now. Wait, we will see. I've had others simply say, you are such a girl. I think these folks knew before I did.

[Christina Kay]

Thanks all for such helpful advice. I know a gender therapist is a must In the near future. It seems that you try to erase some of your male secondary characteristics and that does help a lot. I know the speed I feel this change should be, In reality I've come quite far . Must seem like light speed to my wife but turtle speed for me.

I have to realize I have known this side of me for over 45 yrs, though my wife had suspicions verging on denial of this CDing for a lot of years(married over 30yrs)True validation was only 4 months ago. So she has really accepted more than most, and still processing the rest. I know how far I feel I need to go. But I do know a gender therapist will help me work to the point I feel most comfortable to be at.

Hugs Christina. Kay

[DonnaAnnette]

Hi Christina,
I understand what you mean by being on a rollercoaster ride. Its the same for so many of us Ts's. The crossdressing and then the realization of it was so much more that that and then one day comes the self acceptance of what you are and it sure does seem to me that that's the direction your headed . Wish I could tell you it will be an easy journey but it will be the most difficult thing ever.

By the way I'm a retired widower now.......first started dressing about 30 years ago and accepted myself as being TS only for about the last ten years...And I'm still closeted from my 4 loving daughters .

Big hug hon.

DonnaAnnette,

[Jane D]

Does someone have a stepwise chronology of the progression, you know, a roadmap? Does such a thing exist? Reason for asking is that until this past year I had been under the impression that people did not 'progress' but merely figured out where they fit in. I've read 2 separate accounts that state otherwise. This thread makes it sound like anyone and everyone will go down a slippery slope and not stop until their orientation changes. I have to admit I am skeptical but open to learn.

[Carol Esme]

There are innumerable unique stories from TG individuals so it's really dangerous to generalise but here goes. There are many who "just" crossdress and are adamant that under the costume and war-paint they are 100% male and they stay that way. There are others who started that way but as they start to add female behaviour and thinking to the attempt to look like a girl, they begin to wonder if there is something deeper in their psyche. That was me. Of course as I started to re-interpret my earlier experience I found evidence that I had really always wanted to be a girl but had been denying that. Many people get that far, accept that they are TS but decide not to take it any further for entirely understandable reasons. In my case I decided that once I knew what I wanted I'd go for it.

The other large group of TS people knew what they were from an early age and have had a burning desire to transition and do so as soon as they can.

I hope this helps. In short irrespective of where you are on the spectrum it is not a given that you will stay there but neither is it certain that you will "progress".



*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Paulette]

Hi Jane and Christina,

Someone said (and others keep repeating) that "When you've met one cross dresser, you've met one cross dresser." The implication being that each of us has their own path to follow, that some of us enjoy the journey and some don't, and some can hardly wait to arrive and others hope they never get there, and some are happy just where they are.

Sounds like real life, doesn't it? There's a reason for that.

I don't know where or who I'd be now, at 73, if the reaction of my parents had not been to put me in a closed asylum one summer to be subjected to a series of electroshock treatments. It didn't change my obsession but it was a powerful punishment - so I stopped for several years. And then I started stealing clothes off clotheslines again, hiding them, and dressing whenever I could be alone. At that point it was truly an overpowering obsession. It only became simply a strong desire when I accept that this was a part of me. I'd tried homosexuality and found that while it was somewhat satisfying (hell, I was 21!), it wasn't to my liking - I've always vastly preferred women. I was an obsessive cross dresser.

My first wife couldn't accept it, my second wife could but only passively, so I suppressed it for 40 years, until she died. My current wife (of two years) who is mildly bi-sexual, thinks of it as a feature, not a bug. (She gets the best of both worlds!)

Now I dress only around the house and in the bedroom. When we lived in San Francostco we hung with a poly and cross dressing crowd, but I participated only as a mono husband and party cross dresser. Now in rural Louisiana, we are completely private and mono. I am semi-retired and work from home and on-line.

As you can see from my avatar, I could probably pass for female if I didn't speak or move too much. And while that might be fun, I'm not driven toward it. I'm happy as I am - for the moment. But my mileage may vary - and so may yours.

Some day I may well decide that only SRS and a legal name and gender change is sufficient. That I sincerely doubt that will happen, and have some time, doesn't mean that it won't someday be true. CD and transexuality seems to be largely a matter of feelings about oneself and one's identity. Sometimes that feeling is very strong. Sometimes it isn't. Almost always it changes over time - not necessarily toward one end point or another, but it changes.

So when I ask who I am, the only answer that makes sense is that I am myself. At the moment and for some time that happens to be a male who occasionally likes to feel pretty and female-ish. I say "ish" because neither I nor anyone else knows what "women" feel like. Even women. They know what they feel like, but not what other women actually feel like. We assume we know what others like ourselves experience, but we can't really be sure.

Accept who and what you feel you are, now. And know that that feeling will certainly become more mature and older, but you will always be essentially, at the core, you.

(My apologies for once again hanging out my laundry, but once again, there was a reason for it.)

Love and peace to you both, and to all who wander and question.

[Carol Ann]

Well Carol Ann has no real answer, my wife know before we were married and is an still is 100% behind me.

I shower, shave, dress in what ever outfit I want for the day and it's all normal to me, I am no different I am me Carol Ann.

I only have one regret, I want very much to be a full time women(CD mode no SRS), BUT the line is drew there by my wife. NO, she said " after I die you can do what ever your heart desires".

But for what I have I am 100% happy as I know a lot of my sisters can not have it as good as I do. My love to all as usual