What I Learned in the Ten Years since I joined this Forum
Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2014 11:33 pm
Hi Girls,
I haven't been around much in the last few years because it seems most of what I've learned, I learned from you and I really just don't need much support these days. I guess the most important thing that I learned over the years is that there is no right way to do this. There is no rule or set of rules or even guidelines that will work for everyone or even on particular person. Each person has to find their own way of being in the world.
On May 3 of this year, it will have been ten years since I signed up as a member here. I have lurked for a while before that, but in great secrecy making sure to delete cookies, bookmarks, history, or any other indication that I had been here. I was very scared and had been depressed and consumed with suicidal thoughts for well over ten years. Before coming here I didn't know that crossdressers and transsexuals were different things. I simply assumed that everyone that wore women's clothing was like me and secretly desired to be female.
At first I was very skeptical of those claiming they just liked dressing up, either as a turn on or for inner peace and relief from stress. I figured such people were either in denial, as I had been, or were lying to protect the relationship with their spouse or other family and friends. Over time I realized that there was this entire spectrum of feelings about being female or femininity, ranging from the person who only fantasized about dressing up, to those like me that felt we were actually born with female brains.
Three after I joined the forum I filed for divorce from my un-accepting ex-wife, told my children about me, kicked my ex-wife out and went full time. I know, that seems really fast but the truth is that I knew for a long time what had to happen, I was just afraid of the consequences. It all started several months earlier when I started therapy. I never started with the intention of addressing my gender issues, but eventually it led there. That led me to a website where I read some things written by gender therapist Gianna Israel. She said that she learned everything she knows from the community and regardless of crossdressing, homosexuality, or any other issue she advised all of her clients to get in touch with their respective communities.
Not knowing the difference, I considered crossdressers to my community and started reading this forum. Eventually I signed up and became a member. Coming here was the first time I felt loved, respected, and treated with dignity, by a peer group. It was the first time I was not ashamed to say how I really felt and felt acceptance instead of ridicule. There were girls from every walk of life, all occupations as well as economic status. Here we were all accepted and given a voice. I was amazed at the girls who were "full time". At first this seemed like something that could never happen to me. It was just impossible. But why? Why was it possible for them, but not me?
The answer was, I was not willing to bear the cost. But upon closer examination, I didn't have to worry about losing my job, because I was already disabled and on SS. My marriage was sexless and really nothing more than an agreement to share a house and raise the kids. My exwife had been having affairs for years and I really just didn't care because I felt so much resentment towards her, we were no longer in love, in fact we didn't even like each other. On top of this, because of the anger and resentments, home life was already miserable for my children as my exwife and I fought continually. I was most worried about the shame and ridicule I would bring on my children.
After almost killing myself by taking 35 Vicodin my therapist made me realize that if I could care so little about my life as to end it, couldn't I live my life as I see fit and not worry what others thought? Since if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I could always simply kill myself. She told me to make a list of everything I ever wanted to do and then put kill myself at the end of the list. Since I was killing myself at the end, I didn't have to worry about the consequences of my actions. She then added that once I started doing what I truly wanted, I would never make it to that last item. That turned out to be true.
So here I am. I have been living my life as a female for almost ten years now. Because of having a heart attack at age 45, female hormones at not an option. On top of that, I have severe Fibromyalgia which means, I am never having gender reassignment surgery. Not that I could have ever afforded it, living on SS disability. I had to get ok with knowing I was never going to have a female body. So yeah, I wear breastforms, which are silicone breasts. Not really much different than the implants that millions of women as well as transgender people everywhere have. While I admit there may be a psychological difference, in the end both are fake breasts.
None of these things really present a problem to me in my public life since no one ever sees me nude. While antiandrogens are dangerous for me, I have had the good fortune of having my testosterone levels drop to that of a female, well below the low end spectrum for a man. This has had the effect of feminizing me, without taking hormones. Some say it's a coincidence, but I like to believe I "willed" it after finding out I couldn't take hormones.
I am not sure if many of you are aware that there is great pressure from inside the transgender community to transition and have GRS. Anyone not doing this is not a "true transsexual". After ten years, I can tell you, this is hogwash. While there is a cheering section that encourages everyone to transition, no one is standing up and saying all the things that can and do go wrong. The most important of these is that even with GRS and years of hormones, one can never escape the feeling of not being a "real" woman. This is well hidden and it's difficult to get those who are post transition to admit it, but everyone of them I ever broke down, finally admitted that no matter how much better their life was, they would still never be or know what it means to be a genetic female. There is always this twinge of doubt about whether it was the right thing or not.
Another thing that is not well known is that most transsexuls, post surgery, are not "passable". We have all seen the beautiful girls that one can not tell the difference, but its the exception, not rule. Yes those who transition young enough can have remarkable results, but the average age of GRS is 52. The notion that one is going to interact with society without ever getting "made", is simply not realistic. If you are going to do this, stop worrying about the approval of family, or society including being passable. How passable one is, is not a measure of how transgender one is. I am flabbergasted by these therapists that focus on superficial things like "how feminine" one acts as a condition of transition letters. Even females don't do this. Look around, there are lots of female that look like they might be transgender men. Acting out a stereotype does not make one female or not female.
And another of the things not talked about in the transgender community is the loss of sex function. About 40% of those who transition are asexual and really have no sex drive at all. For these people the decision to give up their sexuality is easy. There is nothing to give up, so who cares. So there is this idea that if a person cares about their sexuality, then somehow they are not transgender. This is false and causes many people to make uninformed decisions. I know many transsexuals that have been greatly disappointed after GRS when they were unable to achieve orgasm. Despite being warned this could happen, most think it will not happen to them, when the truth is, that is the outcome most of the time. Orgasms are a great part of life and giving that up is a big deal. I believe that is why so many transsexuals wait until their 40's or 50's to transition after their sex drive falls. It's not discussed, but I believe it's true.
Before the 20th century there was no such thing as GRS and it didn't arrive in the US until 1975. Up until this point, transgender people lived like me. No hormones, no surgery, but a deep desire to be seen as and feel like a woman in society. I live my life as a woman. Everyone knows me as Elizabeth, my drivers license says I am female, and now even SS recognizes me as female. All with no hormones and no surgery.
Every person has to decide for themselves how they are going to be in this world. Everyone, even the prettiest transgender there are, has self doubt and wonders if they made the right decisions. That is part of life, not just for transgendered, but for everyone. In the end happiness comes from contentment. Contentment comes from having no "wants". This leaves the options of a) getting everything there is or b) being happy with what we have. I am happy being Elizabeth with my little corner of the world. While I have needs, I have no wants. I feel very blessed to have what I have.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I haven't been around much in the last few years because it seems most of what I've learned, I learned from you and I really just don't need much support these days. I guess the most important thing that I learned over the years is that there is no right way to do this. There is no rule or set of rules or even guidelines that will work for everyone or even on particular person. Each person has to find their own way of being in the world.
On May 3 of this year, it will have been ten years since I signed up as a member here. I have lurked for a while before that, but in great secrecy making sure to delete cookies, bookmarks, history, or any other indication that I had been here. I was very scared and had been depressed and consumed with suicidal thoughts for well over ten years. Before coming here I didn't know that crossdressers and transsexuals were different things. I simply assumed that everyone that wore women's clothing was like me and secretly desired to be female.
At first I was very skeptical of those claiming they just liked dressing up, either as a turn on or for inner peace and relief from stress. I figured such people were either in denial, as I had been, or were lying to protect the relationship with their spouse or other family and friends. Over time I realized that there was this entire spectrum of feelings about being female or femininity, ranging from the person who only fantasized about dressing up, to those like me that felt we were actually born with female brains.
Three after I joined the forum I filed for divorce from my un-accepting ex-wife, told my children about me, kicked my ex-wife out and went full time. I know, that seems really fast but the truth is that I knew for a long time what had to happen, I was just afraid of the consequences. It all started several months earlier when I started therapy. I never started with the intention of addressing my gender issues, but eventually it led there. That led me to a website where I read some things written by gender therapist Gianna Israel. She said that she learned everything she knows from the community and regardless of crossdressing, homosexuality, or any other issue she advised all of her clients to get in touch with their respective communities.
Not knowing the difference, I considered crossdressers to my community and started reading this forum. Eventually I signed up and became a member. Coming here was the first time I felt loved, respected, and treated with dignity, by a peer group. It was the first time I was not ashamed to say how I really felt and felt acceptance instead of ridicule. There were girls from every walk of life, all occupations as well as economic status. Here we were all accepted and given a voice. I was amazed at the girls who were "full time". At first this seemed like something that could never happen to me. It was just impossible. But why? Why was it possible for them, but not me?
The answer was, I was not willing to bear the cost. But upon closer examination, I didn't have to worry about losing my job, because I was already disabled and on SS. My marriage was sexless and really nothing more than an agreement to share a house and raise the kids. My exwife had been having affairs for years and I really just didn't care because I felt so much resentment towards her, we were no longer in love, in fact we didn't even like each other. On top of this, because of the anger and resentments, home life was already miserable for my children as my exwife and I fought continually. I was most worried about the shame and ridicule I would bring on my children.
After almost killing myself by taking 35 Vicodin my therapist made me realize that if I could care so little about my life as to end it, couldn't I live my life as I see fit and not worry what others thought? Since if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I could always simply kill myself. She told me to make a list of everything I ever wanted to do and then put kill myself at the end of the list. Since I was killing myself at the end, I didn't have to worry about the consequences of my actions. She then added that once I started doing what I truly wanted, I would never make it to that last item. That turned out to be true.
So here I am. I have been living my life as a female for almost ten years now. Because of having a heart attack at age 45, female hormones at not an option. On top of that, I have severe Fibromyalgia which means, I am never having gender reassignment surgery. Not that I could have ever afforded it, living on SS disability. I had to get ok with knowing I was never going to have a female body. So yeah, I wear breastforms, which are silicone breasts. Not really much different than the implants that millions of women as well as transgender people everywhere have. While I admit there may be a psychological difference, in the end both are fake breasts.
None of these things really present a problem to me in my public life since no one ever sees me nude. While antiandrogens are dangerous for me, I have had the good fortune of having my testosterone levels drop to that of a female, well below the low end spectrum for a man. This has had the effect of feminizing me, without taking hormones. Some say it's a coincidence, but I like to believe I "willed" it after finding out I couldn't take hormones.
I am not sure if many of you are aware that there is great pressure from inside the transgender community to transition and have GRS. Anyone not doing this is not a "true transsexual". After ten years, I can tell you, this is hogwash. While there is a cheering section that encourages everyone to transition, no one is standing up and saying all the things that can and do go wrong. The most important of these is that even with GRS and years of hormones, one can never escape the feeling of not being a "real" woman. This is well hidden and it's difficult to get those who are post transition to admit it, but everyone of them I ever broke down, finally admitted that no matter how much better their life was, they would still never be or know what it means to be a genetic female. There is always this twinge of doubt about whether it was the right thing or not.
Another thing that is not well known is that most transsexuls, post surgery, are not "passable". We have all seen the beautiful girls that one can not tell the difference, but its the exception, not rule. Yes those who transition young enough can have remarkable results, but the average age of GRS is 52. The notion that one is going to interact with society without ever getting "made", is simply not realistic. If you are going to do this, stop worrying about the approval of family, or society including being passable. How passable one is, is not a measure of how transgender one is. I am flabbergasted by these therapists that focus on superficial things like "how feminine" one acts as a condition of transition letters. Even females don't do this. Look around, there are lots of female that look like they might be transgender men. Acting out a stereotype does not make one female or not female.
And another of the things not talked about in the transgender community is the loss of sex function. About 40% of those who transition are asexual and really have no sex drive at all. For these people the decision to give up their sexuality is easy. There is nothing to give up, so who cares. So there is this idea that if a person cares about their sexuality, then somehow they are not transgender. This is false and causes many people to make uninformed decisions. I know many transsexuals that have been greatly disappointed after GRS when they were unable to achieve orgasm. Despite being warned this could happen, most think it will not happen to them, when the truth is, that is the outcome most of the time. Orgasms are a great part of life and giving that up is a big deal. I believe that is why so many transsexuals wait until their 40's or 50's to transition after their sex drive falls. It's not discussed, but I believe it's true.
Before the 20th century there was no such thing as GRS and it didn't arrive in the US until 1975. Up until this point, transgender people lived like me. No hormones, no surgery, but a deep desire to be seen as and feel like a woman in society. I live my life as a woman. Everyone knows me as Elizabeth, my drivers license says I am female, and now even SS recognizes me as female. All with no hormones and no surgery.
Every person has to decide for themselves how they are going to be in this world. Everyone, even the prettiest transgender there are, has self doubt and wonders if they made the right decisions. That is part of life, not just for transgendered, but for everyone. In the end happiness comes from contentment. Contentment comes from having no "wants". This leaves the options of a) getting everything there is or b) being happy with what we have. I am happy being Elizabeth with my little corner of the world. While I have needs, I have no wants. I feel very blessed to have what I have.
Love always,
Elizabeth
,
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