Why are we not satisfied with manhood?

[Anne Bonny]

Why am I not happy being what I am - a man? I mean we are supposed to be the top of the food chain, at the pinnacle...right? the Lord of all we survey at the summit. We tend to be taller, broader, stronger, and we are more inclined to think and find easy things men are interested in. Independence and action...
We can never be women conceive, bear and give birth to children, nurse them, nor do we have the mothering instinct or inclination to raise or to nurture children. We do not think about things in the same way as women because how our brains work is different.

Yet we find being a man intolerable, insufferable, boring, interminable for us, monolithic, burdensome, confining... It is stressful to carry all the responsibility for decisions, providing for the family, paying the bills, all the heavy work, automobile maintenance and so on...

Something about being a woman we find freeing, free to share emotions, to experience emotion, to love beauty, free to show affection and care for others. Free to wear anything we want and to strive to make ourselves pretty or beautiful. Of course we forget women's responsibilities which are?...well being women - the children, baby, nurturing thing....That's something we certainly cannot and would not want to do or be interested in. Domestic chores which include the lighter home maintenance tasks. Cooking....Developing networks of friends....Work that tends to be not as demanding frequently by choice because they are also raising children.

There is also submission to aquiesse to a woman's will as she makes the decisions, assumes leadership to protect, provide and to care for and to love us as someone dear to them as their wives
Today women are independent, and are pursuing demanding careers in all fields of labor and frequently putting off children and even marriage sometimes so that they can do that.

Yet we who look rather silly in dresses have the idea that we somehow admire and want some of what women are at least the part we think we are able to share. Clothing, beauty, emotions, love, less responsibility, more freedom, less stress...Are we being lazy? I mean we may have a lot of the disposition personality - wise...and we really like wearing the clothing...and we soak it all in but seems what we are after is only a very small sliver off the surface of what being a woman is.

I believe the key really is in that we find it to be "freeing." We find something that is open about it all...the stress falls away or decreases and we can feel things and give expression to things we otherwise could not including the wearing of clothes that are so different, beautiful, and comfortable.
I also believe another key is a desire to aquiesse and submit perhaps we miss being helpless, loved, and taken care of by a woman completely at her mercy but completely loved by her. That's Freudian!!! It goes all the way back to something we have not experienced since we were an infant in our mother's arms and cuts deep here. I really believe we have a deep desire to give ourselves into a woman's will over us because then we feel free as if in a second childhood with no responsibility, we are a special and loved and cherished possession of a woman again and in complete love that only wants to nourish and to care for us, that only wants the best for us - I believe I have found the basis for what I am seeking, the why of it all. It is a Freudian desire to be a girl in a woman's loving sway.

Wow...when you drop the fear and allow your mind to travel anywhere it leads you to find things out about yourself. Does this mean I am going to lose all desire to be a girl? No, but at least I understand it.
I wonder...do women want men to be men because they want essentially the exact same thing only at the hands of a loving Father figure - a husband? I may be wrong, I am not a woman but I can imagine that women do much to their protestations to the contrary, as women's lib ebbs and flows underneath all the hubub and when you get right down to it women in the end always - always want what they have always wanted - and what is that? "A M-A-N!" In Little Big Man his sister drives off in the wagon exasperated at her brothers lack of manhood in discarding his gun when he finds he does not have the killer instinct necessary to being a gunslinger... she looks back at him as she cracks the whip over the heads of the horses and states in frustration...."MEN!"

Self psychoanalysis brings understanding. I know myself and why I like or have desires that I have but this also enables me to be more fully a man to any woman who wants me and that's a good thing we really cherish and love and are able to be true husbands when we understand these things.

I have found that I love my wife most - why exactly? Because she loves or loved ME! In other words we love those who love us...We have love for our beautiful wives because they love us and they love us because we love them...it is like a beautiful double emotional bond between a man and a woman that lasts forever.

In the selfishness of wanting love and in realizing and finding that that need filled by our wife, we love them also selflessly - our wives who love us. We want what is best for them, we want to provide and to care for them we want to be their strong man. Women feel the same and want to be our beautiful woman.

Perhaps that is the cure for all of this? Perhaps it is just a tragic thing for men like myself because it seems marriage did not cure or was it because I did not have a need met as I discussed with someone? Who knows. (the need was for my wife to make love to me too - I wanted balance in the bedroom - to never be made love to but always instead being the one giving or making love was after a while not satisfying when I wanted to receive love too)

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I cant answer your ? because im not a man and all that it entails, had i been no dougbt i would not have wonted to be a female, strange as it is i never wonted to be a female let alone a woman, for myself its by default i had no say .

Though as im not sure of another word to explain , ...role...i did take on responabilitys as a male for work looking after Jos and our 3 kids, My Mom did the same thing because we had to flee from a man or be killed, so my Mother took over the role of a man / male and what should have been a normal family, did the work and paid for every thing and bring me up then on top of that have her Mom and Dad with us,

To make ends meet we had men board with us as a boarding house, so i know what it was like,

1950's on,

So for any man to say we had a easy life or there was a man in our life then think again .

we know what its like ,

in fact it was bloody hard,and make no mistake on that.

You know i think many men dont think beyound arms length and if they wont something they ...take... it regardless if it distroys another,and are they are left destitute, they dont care.

i dont know why men are not happy in them selfs .

lack of pride in who they are and what they are about, I belive manhood has changed from a caring helpfull kind loving partnership and forming friendships and being honest faithfull .

maybe because men can get what ever and that includes ..... hmmm..... getting from women and then using them then dump them ,so it comes down to our distrust of men.

Sorry im not painting a pretty photo / picture here, it just seems to me from past experance its like men have it all yet have nothing because they dont treasure what they have,

i wont say all men yet theres many .

I wont go the road of crossdresser's yet too many distroy thier own marrage's and partnerships because of the sexual nature of thier thinking.

They because they are dressed like women think they can act as such,
Sad to say this is not what i thought the = cross dressing was about,

...noeleena...

[Gillian]

I sometimes wonder if the idea of manhood in the 21st century is not a far way off of what men are really supposed to be. Before the industrial revolution men were a very active part of the family unit, and once they were removed into the factories things changed in the family dynamic. Few men today have any nurturing role within the family, we have been taught to be the "bread winner" and in many cases the male responcibility has been reduced to just that alone. I do not think this has been healthy for families, or men in general. We talk about feminine attributes like the only men to have them are the ones who choose to wear a dress occasionally. So who says that these attributes were only meant to be feminine? I think that there is a part of man that is screaming to be "out" so to speak, but the macho influence is suppressing it through its usual methods of bullying and intimidation. There has been several movements within the male culture toward what we would call the feminine before what we are looking at today. Look at the Macaroni's, the dandy's, todays metro-sexual movement, they all had similar things in common. The most macho cultures do not want to give women any rights at all. Don't you think that something has to be really wrong with a culture that doesn't want to give half of the population any rights! What are they so afraid of? If we are not satisified with manhood, is it because there is something fundamentally wrong with what manhood has become? Western culture women started their emancipation at the start of the 20th century, women are still struggling in the third world cultures. Men need emancipation also, and the only way it is going to happen is if we all fight for human emancipation, not looking at each other through sexual eyes. The greatest form of slavery is in the sex trade, and there are more slaves today than at any time in history. Will we ever have emancipation as long as we continue to look at each other through sexual eyes!

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...interesting. Tonight I don't know what to make of any of it. I am just tired.

[DonnaT]

I'm happy being the man I am. I enjoy the things many men do, however, I'm lucky to be able to enjoy some of the things some women do as well.

I'd rather not be trans, put since I am, and there is nothing I can do about it, I'm glad I don't have any guilt feelings for being able to enjoy that aspect of who I am.

More than just a man?

[Anne Bonny]

I agree with that Donna. I am more than a man. I do enjoy some of the things that only women are supposed to enjoy. Here I suppose I was just wondering why we are not satisfied with being the men that we are because I know for my self there is some gender dysphoria (correct term for it?). There is something about being a man that at times I find not to my liking and so I suppose that is when I find I move to the female side of things finding that more comforting. I find relief from those things I want to escape from. Nothing wrong with that I suppose... And I am and forever will be someone who savors and finds feminine things so soothing as I soak the experience in as I relax into them. Perhaps it is like visiting a spa when life gets too me.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

things you dont like as a man , okay what aspects are there you see that distracts from you what things dont you like doing. i know this seems to be around doing .... things....lets go a bit deeper what would you say makes being a man so hard or harder,

remember there are things about us that we dont like or have to put up with , i can cite a few, disadvantages , myself i dont think its about thing s or doing things so much as its to do with personalty's or differences between men and us.

maybe more a matter of our makeup how we think / do no doubt why we think the way we do / react...... Emotion's

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I am a man, and apparently there exists even mental limits between the sexes,or so I am to understand. So I ask myself then what is the point anymore? I suppose I have been a fool? Or perhaps I type too much and think too much about it all? Perhaps I will just have to stop all of this? No I am not content. Why should I find myself trying to escape from being a man? I feel I do not fit in, there are so many things men do and like that I do not care about. I am comfortable around women. But what of that. I suppose I must be discontent I suppose I am not wanted here.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Anne,

Yes there are mental limits of difference between men and women of cause there are, thats just part of our makeup and to a lesser detail the way it is,

What is the point i belive its very importaint for us to have a greater understanding of those differences we do have, its not a bar that seperates us unless we make it to be like that,

A fool..... why .... why even think that, you write to much no not at all,in regard to understanding ,how can we not learn if we dont ask.

You dont fit in, and how many more do you think dont, fit in i know many who dont because of a long list of issues they have,

I would agree with you about yes there are things we do that we'd rather not so its not an issue just a fact of life, and iv had years of it, male female what ever .okay you know my background , and go back to ,....

Sir ...Yes Sir.... On the double ....Sir, , some times we need and i sure did need ed to do as i was ...told.... and not moan about it just get on and do what ever it was,

You know what theres nothing wrong with liking to be around us ,

I have a friend well he is to both Jos and i, he likes spending time with me and we have a lovely natter as we did on Sunday, i know we get on to clothes and things related to dresser's thoughts and being a dresser, i have no issues and ill advise as needed, we are quite free in our talk. even though im a woman .

Look at from my side were you to meet me even your wife or partner or who ever, i'd talk with you as a friend i would see you please understand this .....


AS A friend okay not wether your male or female that does not interest me at all. as a friend okay....

Now this not wonted . okay look at it from again my side im a female why am i on so many forums that are more suited to and for trans people and dresser's how many women do we have here on this forum not many. and its no different on those other forums im on maybe 30 tops out of 10.000 people most are men or trans people maybe 6 intersexed like myself

the other forum im on we have 2 284 women only females ,

so do i fit in what can i bring to this forum maybe some insights from being different, or should i just say i dont fit in because im not a male who likes dressing and leave,

Heres something for you, i enjoy our talks i think its lovely you may think other wise, please dont underestermate your self, you have lots to offer you may not see that now ,

So dont think you dont fit in you do and youv taken the time to write so much i think its really neat, so thank you, i really do appreciate what you write,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you. I am going - again - to try to find contentment being who I am. A man. I was very shy when I was young. I was overprotected by my mother because I had asthma and back in the late 50's, early 60's even up through the late 70's the medical state of the art was not very good but better medications were finally developed. We moved every 3-4 years because my father was military so being uprooted and friendless repeatedly I had to start over again from scratch each time. with terrible acne, asthma, many contributing factors I believe the root is a poor self image. I did not like who I was and perhaps with all that happened I fell into crossdressing addiction as a way to escape from my discomfort with myself. I was not content with being myself, did not like myself - and cross dressing presented a way to escape into fantasy. I had a mother and two older sisters who were successful, my mother was intelligent and strong. My father worked and sometimes traveled at one point he was gone for over a year (deployed). So perhaps that is why I was surrounded by a feminine environment and all the girl friends of my sisters. Of course I had male play mates I do not know what happened but somehow I fell into crossdressing and it became a fun escape for me that never ceased and with the internet exploded and developed even further way beyond anything I ever thought possible. It is even worse now as a sole caregiver for my declining wife who will eventually die probably long before I ever do by perhaps 20-30 years. Being trapped cross dressing has become a daily occurance that is due to my being trapped, alone and distractions are very limited.

The basic thing is I am not content being who I am but the fact is that I am a man and can never be anything else. I have to work on that.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Anne. I do understand that like many of us 40's on had issues to contend with, i had a few, still have, and selfesteem selfworth and confidence in ones self was pretty well none, i lived with it, some 40 years, basic i was shut down could not express myself yes many of us went through heaps,

yet even with all that there comes a time we need to become strong in our selfs or as i say a time to grow maybe grow up. as Mom brought me up it did not sway me to dress in her or any female clothes, because i had that confidence in myself as to who i was and what i was, hey as a kid not as a grown up yet it got me through .

Im trying to see through your eyes your last two lines, and what it means i'll tell you im struggleing big time, .

Easy for me to say i had allready accepted what i was at age 10. there were no issues with that plus i was happy with in myself as well. . ill never understand what it's like for you. even if i meet with you and we talked for days, i'd have some idear and thats all.

You see why i say its importait we do talk about these issues we have, they dont go away because we wish them under the carpert,

I hope i really do you come to a peace with in yourself of being you accepting you as a person and for who you are, this is importaint for your own peace of mind and well being,

yes work on being you , I know im just one of those who is very fortunate in being who i am the way i am and being able to express myself in a way that is so lovely , neat and acceptable to myself and hopefully to other's i hope with in time youll be able to say that as well. ...okay...

...noeleena...

[Diana Michelle]

Anne, your initial post is so reminiscent of what my family said when I told them of my plans to transition and eventually have GRS. That was back in the dark ages (1979) and there was no Internet, our idea of a smart phone was one that had an answering machine built into it rather than as a separate device, crossdresser's were in the closet for the most part, and transsexualism was not spoke about. It just didn't happen, especially in a good Polish Catholic family! My how things have changed thankfully!

You speak of being satisfied with being a man, well I never was! Yes maybe physically I was a man but mentally and emotionally I have always been female and I sense you are discovering the same thing. Being a woman is not about bearing children, nursing them, nurturing them, or being the "good" housewife. It is about an emotional state of mind. I know genetic women who have never had children, either from the cruelty of nature or by choice. Does that make them less of a woman? I think not! Conversely I know genetic men that are better nurturers and caregivers for children than their wives, does that make them less of a man? Again not even close! Sex and gender are two very different things as I am sure you understand. I knew going in I would never conceive or bear children but that was never an issue to me. Correcting the hoax of my birth sex and finding happiness I could never find as a man was.

I have had two husbands, both passed away. Even though they knew of my past long before we got too deep into a relationship it didn't matter to them. Those issues of my birth sex was not a problem to either off them as they saw me as the person I was not what some doctor said when he looked at me when I was born.

I sense a lot of confusion in you and hopefully you have sought the counsel of a competent therapist to sort things out. Any good therapist will discover what will truly make Anne happy. Granted that may mean compromises on your behalf because of choices you have and will have to make. All I can say is be what makes Anne happy! I took the route many yeas ago that made me the happiest and have never looked back or wondered what if?

[Paulette]

Anne, Diana speaks of the possibility of happiness and fulfillment after GRS. I'd like to speak of the possibility of happiness right now.

You speak of being a man and having thoughts and feelings as a woman. Just who is it who's having those thoughts and feelings? It's you, right?

Think about that: you're a physical male who sometimes has thoughts and feelings that you think of as being female. Having breasts and labia, and having no penis or testes, is not the same thing as having the mind of a female. Even with those changes you'd still have the same mind you have right now.

Here is Diana, who has changed the appearance and experience of her gender to female, and still feels she is the same person. She has had two successful marriages to men as a female and probably loved each of them very much, and they her. Is that what you want? What you see yourself doing? I suspect that would be a stretch for you.

Regardless of whether you ever transition, and with or without surgery, I suggest that what you need most is to accept yourself as you are, thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings you do. You do not have to put yourself in a box labeled "male" or "female," and then try to pretend you are only one or only the other. You are who you are, and regardless of physical changes, that's who you will be. You can't get a brain transplant and be somebody else.

Really, it's okay to be a man who likes to wear women's clothing, to present yourself as something other than the sex you were born with. It's okay to enjoy doing that, feeling that, and at least in your own mind and for a while, being that. Try to think outside the boxes of "male" and "female." It's really just you, all the time, no matter what you wear.

All the rest is just labels, and labels are just labels. They're not you.

Hugs

[Diana Michelle]

Thank you Paulette, I think you said what I was trying to get across better than I did.

Anne, if I can add to what I was trying to say and Paulette has said you don't have to be one gender or the other or switch back and forth between them. What you need to do is sort what it is that makes Anne happy and start down that path! That is why I suggested going to a therapist, I know mine helped me sort through things back then. My other point was and still is we all have circumstances in our life that may preclude the path to total happiness and we must sometimes make compromises. Again a good therapist will help you there.

My point is that you must start to take control and seek help. Be it a therapist, clergy, friend, someone here in the forum, or a total stranger the best thing is to talk it out with someone rather than let it fester in your mind. You will know which path you need to take but talking out will perhaps make it clear to you.

Good luck Anne, I will be praying for you whatever you decide.