Good bye

[Anne Bonny]

Clean for 7 days, starting 8th today. Yesterday completed discarding and shredding any writings or printed articles related to the problem, the computer is already cleaned up I deleted and emptied the waste basket. Packed and boxed all clothing items and put them in the storage box down in the garage which gets them out of my bottom drawer, and the closet. Have not yet made the decision to take all of it to good will but it is a pain to get at and to unpack and put back on hangers and in the closet and no desire to do that either. Of course that clothing must be worth close to $1000.00 just a guess. I think I need to just keep going and wait a year. At least if given to good will someone will be able to use them. Yesterday I was actually excited about it and happy, thrilled that I am free of it. The most helpful fact has been basically I am who I am. I cannot be anything else there is nothing that will ever change that. I am a man. I may not be content currently with how things are but the use of something to escape which has only a temporary effect does nothing change anything and only leads me into the same repeated cycle over and over and over again, it is not effective. Instead I need to realize that any feeling of inadequacy is what needs to be faced down. I am intelligent I do like being able to reason. I do have all the diplomas to prove that I met measured criteria to complete courses of study at several different schools should be proof enough that I am not dumb, and that I had the character to set and meet a goal. I had a professional career, I may not have been suited to leadership as the military defines it, or been suited to Nursing which was definitely not the right career choice for me my inherent skill set was not challenged by nursing - what a waste! No I think the inadequacy is something social, how I feel about how I look, not feeling equal to others, or that I don't really have something I excel at above other people that would make me feel as worthy as anyone else. Perhaps it comes down to finding another partner. It is important I think to know that someone finds me worthy, someone is impressed by me in someway so that they want to be with me. I wonder if I did not believe or feel that my wife felt that way about me perhaps I have always felt inadequate in some way. Hum...well the Psychologist appointment is coming up.

I thought I would leave this here, no need to respond to me I will not be back if moved to my diary it will serve as the completion of my previous note. It may be helpful to some, or not. But I do believe the stress of caring for my wife along with being trapped and cooped up (still caring for her at present) brought this activity out even more. I have struggled with all of this over a lifetime but it stems from a basic feeling of inadequacy that I have and continuing to dress up is like any drug it only has a temporary effect, just as any alcoholic finds the next day what ever is driving them to do it has not been altered or addressed. Basically I need to address this deep seated feeling of inadequacy which effects my self image and leads me to not like who I am or to wish that I was someone else. The psychologist will help me with that, I have work to do. I will not be returning to this site or checking for responses if any but I thought I would let anyone interested know this activity is something I am leaving behind.
Choose a sticker or emoticon

[Rikki]

Anne,

All the best to you on your journey.

Rikki

[SilverLady(SO)]

Anne, we wish you well wherever your journey may take you.

We'll leave the light on in the window for you.


- SL

[KimberlyS]

Anne, a very good luck to you down this path you have chosen. I hope it works well for you. Wander back this way in 6 months and let us know how you are doing. People leave here and I usually wonder how they are doing and so many we never hear from again.

kimberlys - cd
joe in a skirt.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Anne .

Sorry to see you leave , though i do understand and as we'v talked about many things .

you must find your self in all of this .

All the best for you and take care .

...noeleena...

[Anthony Simon]

I am intelligent I do like being able to reason. I do have all the diplomas to prove that I met measured criteria to complete courses of study at several different schools should be proof enough that I am not dumb, and that I had the character to set and meet a goal. I had a professional career, I may not have been suited to leadership as the military defines it, or been suited to Nursing which was definitely not the right career choice for me my inherent skill set was not challenged by nursing - what a waste!

I think that you have come to this sort of realisation is a really good thing. It was the kind of place that I hoped you would get to. I don't know if that means giving up the CDing is a permanent thing for you, or just part of the process of your life, but I confess to feeling kind of sad that you've done it.

[Leeza]

Anne, I wish you the best in your journey in life.

[Paulette]

Anne, please take care of yourself, and stop by when you are in the neighborhood.