The importance of being earnest...

[Anne Bonny]

I was re reading this, something I wrote a while back and I thought it was really good. I was writing about telling your spouse. But acknowledging who we are even if we may not feel this way all the time means we must be open with anyone we would seek to form a close personal relationship with. Dressing and feeling feminine may not be something I am or feel all the time as people we are interested in many different things. I am only a part timer but this part of myself is indelible, it is a definite part of who I am and though it is not always present or in focus at some level it is there. I think I do understand that the clothes we wear or choose to wear are not anything but what they are. Clothes do tend to dictate we do what is appropriate when dressing a certain way. Wearing a dress, well you wear the appropriate undergarments so that it fits as it should, do not want a lot of bulk underneath hence the thin, and smooth non bulky support is necessary for the dress to lay on your body and hang appropriately as it should, and of course feminine shoes are also part of the outfit if it is going to look right, and it all calls for stylish jewelry and make-up or it would all look out of place. Wearing shorts and a t shirt and guy shoes - well...you wear what goes with it.

None of dressing changes who we are, our basic personality. Clothes fit things we may happen to be doing, there are clothes for working, for going to work, for relaxing, sailing, going to the beach, for swimming, different sports. Of course if we are feeling more feminine then the feminine clothing vs masculine clothing is needed to fit our activity because even here the feminine/masculine division is addressed and acknowledged.

Oh well here is what I came across and thought I would paste it in here. I do think that I am growing as I develop a correct sense about all of this. Why can't people realize we are all different and if some men or women are more "gender fluid?" (I think that is a proper use of this term) no one has the right to deny us our basic right to exist and to live and to be who we are as people just because they feel uncomfortable about it all or think we should be forced to conform no matter the mental distress we would have to live with inside our own craniums secretly. Well we know that is wrong. We are who we are, and we have every right to be acknowledged and to be and to feel fully accepted freely accepted without question as just people being who we naturally are. Hence those who seek to box us up are practicing bigoted discriminatory sexual prejudice, they are sexists or perhaps "genderists??" Because we each and everyone of us should be as free as the wind to roll over in the morning, take a deep breath, stretch, move into the bath and be whoever we feel is appropriate for us on this particular day, and if later in the day our mood changes - well it changes...and our significant others only reaction is or should be something on the order of "Oh...hey...hungry? or Let's go somewhere and whatever... This is what life should be for each and everyone of us if you are reading this then you know within your being with every fiber of it that I am right.

Well here are the thoughts that I came across this morning:

All I can say is I found it incredibly difficult to live in the closet and after 7 years of marriage I was bursting at the seams to tell my wife. Sure there were long stretches where I was fine especially early in our marriage but as time went on the flip side of my gender started wanting to be let out. I would dress when she was at work or away taking the opportunity. But that never works. We just cannot be expected to bottle up nearly half of who we are and live in nearly daily agony. No it is not selfish either as some women will say - you are being selfish! Right I am selfish because I am who I am inside - that is an absolute outrage! So are women selfish because they shave their legs, paint their nails, put on make up and wear all sorts of pretty clothing? Is that selfish? I mean they are just being who they are too but we do not tell them they are being selfish for being who they are!

Nope. At some point for your own health and sanity as well as your basic right to be alive you will have to talk to her.

That is a very difficult thing to do, even if she is kind of able to take it in it does not mean she is going to accept it enthusiastically and volunteer to do your make up or ask you to go dress shopping with her! It will change your marriage most likely unless she is in a very small percentage of women who will accept it fully because when it comes right down to it she loves you. She may issue an ultimatum, or she might simply decide she needs to pack up and leave or have you leave. Hard thing.

The key is how strong is your marriage? Do you both love each other. Is your love, commitment, and devotion incredibly strong? If so I can say from what I remember it took a couple years to work through all of this because women look at this as a betrayal of their trust, and we are seen as "the other woman". In other words they feel we love our feminine side and dressing more than we love them! They understandably have many deep fears and will find all of this very unsettling because most women tend to have traditional beliefs about the basics of man and wife and relationships and how they should work and be in general and being married to a man who shatters that mold - or so they believe ruins it for them. But They never see that we love them, or that basically we are the same person. Sadly they are in love only with the masculine part of who we are - that is who they met and fell in love with and that is who they want and expect for us to be all the time, this other side of ourselves is basically a stranger who they never met or bargained for. Because we failed to disclose this side of ourselves to them before the marriage they were not free to think about it, to meet that person, or to decide to move on not wanting to be with someone like ourselves. Sad to say this but we have to be honest with ourselves, and with any prospective marriage prospect but this is who we are - we must not delude ourselves that we can hold it all in or that it will evaporate when we marry - didn't in my case! It is not selfish to be who we are, but it is a lying betrayal and was selfish of us not to give them the choice to stay with us or to leave early in our relationship! If we are honest with ourselves we know we are going to dress, we know our feminine feelings are not going anywhere, they may not be present in our mind all the time but they do come around and we are not really free to resist who we are we simply have to accept ourselves as we are it is how we are made this is who and how we will be until the day we die.

Oh well water under the bridge. tread carefully, slowly, but you really have no choice but to be truthful with your wife and see what happens. Hope it will be alright if you love her.

It really does stress the importance of being earnest! If you have people in your life, and especially with those dearest to you - you really cannot hide or pretend you are a different person than you are and you owe it to everyone who crosses your path as friendships and relationships begin to develop and deepen, all along that path from the very beginning realize it is wrong to be afraid or to hide or to deny who you are to anyone - you must be earnest with everyone who would be close to you or oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive....If the love of your live from the very beginning came to know all of who you are then you see, you realize and are extremely happy and will have a wonderful life ahead of you. To thine own self be true then it follows as night the day that you can not be false to anyone....

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Anne,

A lot of thought went into your post, thank you for it.
Way back when we first married, Husband didn't fully understand himself what cross dressing is. Much as you said, he kept hidden, thinking the desires would go away. Also, he thought there was something deeply wrong with him sexually.
Over the years, his dressing desires came back as strong as ever. Too many tiny hints and suspicions added up to our confrontation. I don't want to go into the entire history, but to say we are a stronger couple now. Had he been honest at the beginning, things may have turned out differently. He needed to develop a clearer idea of what his dressing did for him, talking with others, meetings, and girlfriends like himself.

There are so many problems that couples face. I'm glad to have a husband that cross dresses, at least it's something I can join in on.

Eileen

[Ralitsa]

I'm glad to have a husband that cross dresses, at least it's something I can join in on.

That is such a great attitude Eileen. I suppose that having things to do together is critical for a couple. (I actually don't know what is needed for a successful relationship)

It seems to me that most (perhaps all) relationships start out with a great deal of deception on both sides. And only when you get to know each other does one gradually reveal the truth, I guess in the hope that by this time the other person will be so invested that they won't walk away. That is probably necessary, so it might not be realistic to expect absolute honesty at the beginning.

[Anne Bonny]

I do think it is important to be honest. We are all different so our thoughts on this will vary. I cannot see investing months into a developing relationship without being open about who you are. The longer you wait the greater the potential emotional pain will be if that person gets up, and walks away not looking back. Of course even if a budding relationship or friendship seems to go well, they will still be considering and thinking about all of this some people will and some will not be able to comprehend and be able to accept that our gender is at times fluid and varies from an accepted societal norm even if that norm is wrong. We exist in nature the societal norm is wrong. How we tend to start throwing out little signals to potentials depends there no guide we are all different, situations and people differ. But I think it might be as simple as openly showing that we like or are interested or enjoy things that we are not supposed to because of our sex. "Oh I like your shoes, they are pretty, are they comfortable?" or "I like your dress, it's very pretty." (yeah, I really like it! Where did you buy it?? - hum....more advanced disclosures for later! Ha! There are ways of doing this that will start the wheels turning in our potential's mind. Perhaps it will show up in our sensitive nature? This does require thought because I do think we need to find ways to stir thinking that might spur some questions. Hopefully as things progress we will find an open mind, and acceptance. I have been amazed by the open minds and acceptance I have found so far so I do think making friends will be easier, but nothing unusual there. Finding a life long relationship with a partner is always going to be a narrower path.

[Eileen (SO)]

Anne,
I quite agree that honesty is most important in a relationship. But how does one be honest about desires they don't fully understand? My husband is sexually straight and does not wish to actually transition in any way. (The fantasies are his to explore, as long as they are fantasies.) But back in his adolescence and early adulthood during the 60's and 70's, real information was near impossible to find. As for myself, I thought cross dressers were perverts, gay, and/or drag performers. When we first met, real honesty at the time would have ended the budding relationship.

Thank Goodness for the internet. First finding some sites that supported my worst fears, eventually finding the real information we both needed. Well, he found those good sites first years before. Sure, I was devastated about the dishonesty at first. But he had learn what it is to be honest about. Not to me, to himself. Never having a gender identity issue myself, I can't imagine how that is growing up. No wonder this desire is kept hidden.

For us, waiting till he understood himself worked out better for the both of us.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

I was born in 1957...I thought I was unique in the world until gee...computers were still in their infancy even in the early 1980's the Commodore 64, It was not until I believe after I was married in 1991 that I looked up anything to do with this. In doing so it was like looking up pornography (which I have never done) and I came across the blog I used to be on before it went under - they lost their site somehow. It is amazing but much of what I have learned has only been in the last 20 years. I have evolved, learned, and accepted myself all in this space of time. I do not know that I understand myself even now but I do know this gender issue seems to be part of how I am made, it is something I cannot change about myself. Today I am my masculine self, but the feminine side is never absent it is there somewhere at some level and that is how people like us live. If I have a partner (female) I am a straight heterosexual man, and we are involved, out and about doing things fortunately it does go away because my focus is elsewhere and I feel as normal as any other man, I mean I feel fully male at these times. I haven't got a clue how it all works but last night I slept in panties and a comfortable nightgown, my legs are hairless and my toenails polished. Once we accumulate a level of understanding we can accept ourselves as normal, and I think today under such circumstances we can drop those hints early in a budding relationship, and I do think that is important.

I did not do that with my present wife, it was 7 years into our 23 year long marriage (anniversary was August 31) that is too long to wait, but just as you said neither of us had much of a grasp on any of this, we were both Nurses or are suppose we never lose our accomplishments. Sadly I stopped celebrating anniversaries because the marriage we had when we were both healthy is gone, due to my wife's dementia I figure 3 years ago. Of course that commitment, devotion, and love will continue to the end because she had inscribed on the inside of my wedding band "love always P R S" she would tell me in jest at times..."You're Stuck!" because she loved me I can never betray that, I am sure she would have cared for me in the same way I am continuing to care for her to the end. And I will be upset when she is gone - lost and alone, no one will be able to replace her at least until we have built up about 17 years of complete investment in each other through the ups and downs but even so there will not be the early years when we were both young with all the hope and the promise of a lifetime ahead of us as I started my career, as we moved around the country, and as our boys came along - I do not see anyone ever replacing her once she has passed from my life. Our marriage survived my disclosure only because we had a very strong bond of love and commitment to each other.

I cannot see myself denying my feminine side with all that I know 7 years into a marriage or any relationship ever again. Nope...I expect to drop hints definitely starting very early within the first month or two of any future relationship and if I cannot find a woman who is open minded with enough worldliness to fully accept all of who I am with a firm understanding that comes from long life experience and maturity then I suppose I will just have to have short relationships or dates that hold no deep commitment.