Crossdressers-Haven.com

Wow! Now that I have the green light it is still like being a kid in a candy store. After 57 years I am completely at ease and fully dressed. Both of my sons know, have seen me dressed and it does not bother them....I suppose I can chalk that up to the millennial generation? My wife knew and accepted it but now with late stage dementia I am and have been a full time care giver after retiring definitely since she lost the ability to care for her self in 2011 but this has been progressing since her diagnosis in winter of 2009, and probably started to effect her in 2006. In any event. I am dressing and am already beginning to feel completely free, that it is well on it's way to being just everyday, common place. This is my second day enfemm. Spent much of yesterday in feminine clothing and just loving it. Spoke with my younger son, and then with my wife's, our sitter. Let out of the bag I do not know if I will dress more over time but I am perfectly free to do so If I want which is all that I have ever wanted, and to have people not care about it or raise an eyebrow or treat me or look at me any differently just because I am expressing outwardly what I am feeling internally which is just feminine. I do not feel that way all the time. Certainly later this afternoon I will change for my 2.5 mile run, already did my weights which I do every other day, and my weight even dropped to 176.6 so the trend is headed back to 172 my baseline. I may apply some clear coat to my nails? Anyway I am loving life. With the kind of stress I am under this is definitely a huge positive for me. yea!!!!!

Kind of a struggle in my stiletto sandals and a skirt whew! But my wife is up, cleaned up, and just finished medications and lunch so she should be good to snooze until 4 pm when I give her her lemonaid while on the BSC then move her to the bed for a rest with the ceiling fan on, blinds set to reflect out the heat and most of the light, and the light classical music with the head of the bed up. She usually enjoys this looks much more relaxed, looks at the blinds and tends to chatter away somewhat and at 5-530pm she is up and back in the WC and refreshed with eyes open etc...

Meanwhile the thought through my head was just amazement about this all...I mean gender/clothing does not change anything about me except how I am presenting, it is pimarily all just visually presenting as a female and that is all, it is such a little thing. I am the same responsible person, I am not immoral, dependent on any illicit substances alcohol, tobacco, or anything else. I am the same parent, my boys will always see me as "Dad" ...I am enjoying wearing my stiletto sandals and the feel of the slick lining of my skirt lightly brushing against my thighs as I walk around washing up the dishes etc...I know I will have to change when I go out to run but I am waiting until my son comes home, I want to keep exposing myself by way of breaking the ice so that this really will become old hat, common place, normal and everyday - nothing.... so that it is as if I am dressed any other way in male garb - what difference should it make.

I half wondered about what if my older son came home with his girl friend...why should she not know or see me dressed? Well...for not unless there is an accident and they drive up without my being aware and are already at the door and or inside then....But...we will see....I am learning so much and gaining a whole new perspective on everything to do with who I have always been. Living in a closet, cowering and afraid we fail to see or to even grasp how truly stunted our entire perception is of everything to do with this side of who we are. I am gaining confidence and a whole new view I can only say that bottling ourselves up in a closet and cowering is nothing I will ever return to it is so wrong so damaging to ourselves! It is not anything to do at all with others keeping us there it is all in our own mind, what we do we do by our own hand and it is wrong! People in the closet need to open that door, tell people around them who they trust, and dress when they are there they need to get out of there and come out into the daylight. Who knows that someday I may indeed go out in public? Well...it all takes time...I am heading in the right direction.

Woohoo 172.8 after the run! (all water of course but fun to see). After the shower now in full guy mode, now I can eat...

Good to hear your dressing is less stressful these days.

It's good you've got something that counteracts against the stress, and opens up new ways of seeing things. I experienced more energy, because I was no longer using that energy to tamp things down. It does take energy to suppress--it's not a passive activity.

Yeah it's great to no longer be in here typing and worrying at the same time someone may see me through the windows, or someone may drive up and come in. Learning to accept and to truly relax and allow ourselves to just be who we are is a very long road for many of us, me included. So I am sitting here in a lovely comfortable blue dress in feminine attire and mode it's just a different way of being or of dressing that "fits". It is hard to explain I seem to move back and forth so easily can't explain it or understand any of it - I am just like this and that is all. I like wearing dresses and being a girl. This is just how my world has always supposed to have been. Someday in the remainder of my life I hope everyone I know knows all of who I am and can take me or leave me, and that I will be free to go out into the world as any other girl. Even so I am sometimes the guy I have always been. I think that is something that will always knock many of us for a loop, I am still heterosexual, my personality and all of who I am is just the same as it has always been with all my short comings and faults as well as all of the best of who I am as a person it is just that sometimes I am like this and am therefore wearing feminine clothing and presenting outwardly as a female though I am still sexually a man. Mind blowing.

that's great news Anne!! I'm glad to hear that you are getting comfortable with it and no longer feel like you need to keep it hidden.
I predict that most people you know really won't care much at all. I know that it is such a relief to be able to wear the clothes you like whenever (mostly) that you want.
Right now I'm here at the local coffee shop having my morning brew and wearing a nice blue and black dress that I bought a long time ago. I was looking at my closet this morning, thinking about what to wear and was just going to go with a casual skirt and top. Then I thought, I have all these dresses that I haven't worn, that I'm waiting for a special occasion to wear, but what the heck - this is special enough, I'm wearing this one! What a great feeling to sit here with my coffee in a nice dress.

This morning I am struck by the thought that I do not really have a masculine side or a feminine side but that I am someone who's gender is ... shoot I will cut and past from another post and hope I won't get in trouble (cringing, fingers crossed...here goes - rules of the blog)

This is all fairly new so I do have to kind of push myself as I have this morning to go ahead and wear a dress and present myself in a feminine way instead of being shy. All of my life I have learned so well to push my desire to be in feminine clothing down and to just throw on guy things. So I think there will be some what of an adjustment phase as it takes some getting used to this openly dressing at home in the presence of everyone. I must overcome this very subtle conditioning. Mentally I will have to work on all of this because the drive to suppress and to hide due to various reasons...fear...embarrassment...fear we will be permanently judged as less than a man (well it really has nothing to do with being less of a man because my gender is kind of a balance between feminine and masculine anyway, I am what I am). Fear that what's done can't be undone. I suppose the key is to admit this is who I am and there is absolutely nothing wrong with who I am. People should know me, it is wrong to hide half of myself or even to act that I am more masculine than I am by suppressing my feminine traits. I do babble on we all face finding our individual ways to live and to be who we are with our crossed genders.

With that thought in mind I put on my pretty blue dress and undergarments with silicone inserts, jewelry, make up. If I were completely free and I am I would dress much much more than I have been...looking forward to meeting with my wife's hospice social worker and chaplain who know but who a few months back I told I was going to stop, so it may be a little bit of a surprise next visit when I greet them dressed. Well and if not this time then down the road they only come once a month. It is very important for us to push ourselves out there and onto the stage in front of everyone. I think we need to learn to suppress the urge to suppress and eventually that urge will leave us as we acclimate to the temperature of the water so to speak. This is who I am it is so important to undo a lifetime of psychological damage imposed of my femininity by myself and by family, mom and dad, friends, society. I am psychologically damaged, and I need to work to undo that damage so that I can be a healthy and open person.

I wish you all the best Anne. May the future pathway of life be open and easy for you.