Carolynn Summers wrote:
I kind of remember saying I was "deadly afraid" of stuff on here. But the two times I found weren't in this context. One was of being "deadly afraid" of drugs, the other of getting lost in the CDing and not being able to come back.This is for all you girls that are afraid you will be recognized when you are out in public dressed. You are deathly afraid someone will recognize you and call you out.
Amongst other things that does suggest that there's an element to the CDing where it could turn into a sort of drug for me. I think that probably has to do with a part of me that really wants to disappear from the world so that I would no longer have to put up with the stresses and strains of the male role.
On the other hand, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that part of me is female and that part needs expression in one form or another. I don't really have any doubt that I would be walking about dressed as a woman if fears about being called out and humiliated didn't surface all the time.
I actually had one case where my father didn't recognise me. This was after I'd been on holiday when I was 18. I didn't realize at that stage that I'd need a shaver - because I borrowed my dad's whenever I needed it (not that often) - but after 6 weeks I'd ended up with a beard. For some reason I didn't have my key when I returned and pressed the doorbell. My dad said "Not today thankyou,"...Ist example: When I retired and my then wife was still working, I would dress when she left for work. (She didn't know about Carolyn.) During the day I would run errands as Carolyn in our small town. One day while doing the grocery shopping, I was pushing my cart around the end of an isle and there coming down the isle toward me was my oldest sister and her husband that also knew nothing about Carolyn. Well, my heart skipped a beat but I just continued shopping down the isle. They passed me without any recognition. I figured as long as they didn't hear my voice I was ok. I passed them again going down a couple more rows.
So, although this isn't CDing, it is even your relatives don't recognise you if you're not what they were expecting.
When I was 9, I played Titania in a school play. There was a report in the local newspaper. They made a thing about me being a convincing girl - not a mention of my acting, though. I always took that as me being able to pass - which is both scary and gratifying. Scary because of the aforementioned fears of getting lost in "my woman" and gratifying because I'd just love to be treated like a woman.2nd example: This has acually happened a couple of times with different people. I needed an estimate on some plumbing work for my basement. On the day they were coming for the estimate (friday) I had planned to visit my daughter. She doesn't know about Carolyn so I was in guy mode. The man came and I spent some time with him going over what needed to be done. I decided to hire him for the job and it was scheduled for the following Tue. I told him that I would probably not be here but someone would be here to let him in. Well, that some one was me, Carolyn. Even though he had spent time with my male self (about an hour) three days before, he had no idea that it was the same person. I went down two or three times to see how the work was going and talked to him about it. I had to sign the order form that the work was done and gave him the check that had already been made out. He thanked me and left.
I guess people see what they expect to see and don't look more closely. I am 100% certain that he had no idea he was dealing with the same guy he had talked with just days earlier.
Of course I'm much older now...I have specific fears to do with maintaining my passability as a woman. I'm pretty sure that some of the time, and from some angles, I look alright. But it seems to come and go. Like I can look in the mirror and suddenly I'm not convincing at all. I think the likelihood is that part of me is afraid to let go and just "be" a woman and that's holding me back.
One of the things that I can't seem to work out is just how I can get in and out of my house. Like this is where people know me and I worry that some at least of them would use the knowledge that I was a CD against me. I don't drive - so all the options to do with changing in a car are out. I guess there probably are ways, but it seems my motivation is not currently high enough for me to use them.
Generally, because this is London, I'm unlikely to run into real trouble if I kept to walking about in the ordinary ways that people do - I could probably cope with a level of people having a go at me. But it could really affect my life if some of my neighbours started to do that.
