Crossdressers-Haven.com

My mind tends to be most clear in the early morning, this is when my best thoughts come to me and I am inspired to write them down. I know they tend to be crap but I feel inspired and motivated to write things down and work on them early in the day. This is mid day now and is beginning to fade so I had better be quick about it.

Am I wrong in trying to think that my gender is somewhere between feminine and masculine containing elements of both? I think I am not like strong aggressive men, but I am not excessively feminine either, I am somewhat in that spectrum between men and women who think of their selves as such and never have any thought of crossing the barrier of their gender but I am closer to the male masculine side and there is some overlap on the male masculine side, though I do seem to fall in the area between the gender barriers more often than not. Trying to understand any of this is seemingly impossible because it is a target in motion that varies from moment to moment at times and our range is really kind of broad. Mood, emotion, that intangible gender sense, our daily existence which involves a range of tasks and activities - so many different things are at play it just seems impossible to nail any of this down. I doubt I will ever understand myself or ever be able to say ah-hah "that's it!" I believe all I will ever be able to say about my gender is that it is what it is.

When I was looking in the mirror this morning, full length, I tried to see my gender, correctly, someone who is partly female and thinking of myself in that way. Perhaps that is something I should do because I do believe my gender does fall between masculine and feminine. I am dressing more and more in feminine clothing. I am employing feminine grooming most days (shaving legs, skin care, etc.) Still sometimes I feel it is impossible with my male body to look and to feel appropriately feminine.

I have found that most women I know around here and most of the time are in shorts, and tops that include polo type shirts, or t-shirts, and others that are more feminine. Shoes are running shoes, or deck shoes, or pumps, flip flops, sandals, or ballet flats. If I am to be honest and sensible with myself then most of the time this style of dressing makes the most sense at home over anything more feminine like skirts and or dresses which are options more for casual or dress up when going out into the world when women are feeling more feminine and want to dress up a little more or to feel a little more sexy or pretty but then most tend to go out in shorts and tops around here if they are just doing errands, or shopping in discount stores ( but some do wear very casual dresses and skirts when out doing these things and even at home at times). Only when they are dressing up a little to go out to a nice restaurant, on a date, or to some special event do they wear skirts and dresses. Still, even for these occasions there are very dressy outfits for women that consist of a jacket and slacks of some form with feminine tweaks.


I accept that my gender is some kind of a blend closer to the masculine side of the spectrum. My gender does indeed overlap with male/masculine but my gender and elements of it do cross the gender barrier and also falls into the feminine range. I do think we are dynamic like quivering jellyfish we are all over the map depending on various factors. I believe our gender is not narrow but varies within a range as well. Perhaps I am confused.

Am I just full of crap, am I whining about all of this? Well.. whatever I am though trying to come out more so that I can be fully confident and relaxed because I want to live and be who I really am openly. Hope I will be able to find a woman who will accept me as I am when my wife is gone (hard thought but I have no choice but to think about it even while I continue to care for the love of my life as best I can, I will be quite upset when she is gone.

Oh! I have mended one of my wife's small leather purses (the lining had come un stitched on both sides of the zippered middle section this is because I want to start using it as any woman would, at least carry it with me when I go out in the car, but at this time I still would not carry it in public, and will pull out the keys, cash and wallet and place them in my pockets when getting out of the car. And at home I keep these items in the purse or a purse including also lipstick, tweezers, compact, etc.

I do not think that you are "full of crap". I think that nearly everyone has both masculine and feminine traits. I think that a person will waver in how they feel at any given time. I also think that the way to happiness is to accept yourself as you are.

Yes, most women (sadly) dress extremely casual. This makes it harder for us who CD. However, one can still dress nicely and
blend in. Of course, this does not mean wearing 4" heels and suggestive outfits to a mall or grocery store.

I hope that you can enjoy your journey.

Hi,

Our bodys are made up of both male and female and no matter what some may or not say if this was not so we would not be here or alive, our bodys need what we have to be human .
How our makeup is concerned is of cause whats makes us so different from each other, so add that all up we have traits of being human wether we are male or female or some of both does not really matter ,

now heres a ? , what if we were nether male or female thats a dead end and you and i would not be here , or any one else.

Okay how you express your self and in what way . does that really matter , and who really is there to tell us any way , ,,,, as far as i can tell theres no one .

So if you wont to express in a female way though i doubt youll have and carry children is that the only Judge ment call ,???

Im a female with out my womb my body was mismatched,well some of both , so no children here from myself , now this begs the ? am i not a female because of that . whos going to call the Judgement call on that one.

Clothes make up shoes and what ever else you can think of that will fit in line with how women dress or not and even that does not matter , is this what its about , Or how we see our selfs or how we are hard wired,
now then we are getting to the real issue of the matter ,

Im a female not because i wont to be one or having fun dressing like one or some other lame reason , its only because i was born in a way that was programed into my being , hard wired this is what is needed to be looked at ,

Now i cant answer you in how you see your self as a person okay i dont care about female or male this is about what makes you you. you need to go deep into the core of you , okay the best way ill explain this is .

I know what i am i have one programe and its hard wired female and every thing about it can not be changed to some thing else,

If there was a doubt or a hint of doubt i would say so , there never was right from the begining till now this moment ,

Gender to me is a non event i dont have one as youd say male or female,

For those who do if say they are male or female, thats okay no issue .

Comes back to, little box,s all in a row all look the same oh hang on are they pink or blue what do you get when you mix both together. you tell me ,okay ??

Now can i seperate the two colours and mix them together yet see both at the same time, another ? ....

So if both are mixed together where are you, ??? i know where i am ,

I accept both pink and blue, with out ? .... can you.

...noeleena...

Its good you are writing down your thoughts. I don't always respond, but I read them; at times think about them a lot. But, more importantly, it is your process for working through some profound issues.

I'm glad you have these forums for you process. Your taking your baby steps in a way that works for you.

Now, as one introspective person to another: You may be introspecting too much and living too little. Yes, you have considerable burdens. Don't let the time you have to relax and enjoy life suffer from paralysis by analysis. As you mention there are too many moving parts to understand the dynamics. I think that is by design, natures design. Just go with the flow and enjoy. Yea, I know, easy to say; hard to do.

Remember the words of the great 20th century wise man, Bukaroo Banzai:
"Remember; no matter where you go, there you are."
"Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is."

As far as what to wear and when. While out and about, grocery store, in town, or the Home Depot. Look at what the men are wearing as well as the women. I think you will see that there is more variety in what the women are wearing as opposed to the men. A tasteful skirt & blouse, may be rare, but never looks out of place.

For me personally I am more masculine than I am feminine and really wish that it was switched around the other way. I feel like when I am out and about in the world I am that male and when I see a woman that I like that has clothes that are amazing I just feel feminine right on the spot and hope nobody is looking at me because I might be drooling for her outfit. I have no sexual attraction to females at all, just the clothes that they wear. Then on the flipside I know I have to keep that muscular manly attitude and not let it be shown that I just want to be a woman more than anything. Coming home and dressing up is the highlight of my day.