Crossdressers-Haven.com

It's cold and rainy out today coming down in buckets so this is the first day in I don't remember how long that I haven't been out the door and working on something before now. I did get up early as usual but just get up the ambition to go out and get wet.

In times past I would probably be really enjoying this because I would have take the opportunity to put on a dress and enjoy the time I could spend being that part of me that is Sarah. I can't that with he granddaughter in the other room, it's been almost eleven months now that she has been with us. So instead I have been sitting here reflecting on me, my life and the attitudes of others.

My earliest recollections of cross dressing are from when I was thirteen, when it came over me and I really wanted to try out new things and explore that and there was a special person in my life then who helped me with that. What has stirred up this bit of emotional turmoil in me now are some comments my mother made on mothers day.

We were going through her box pictures, ones that went back to way before I was born even and talking about the people in them. There were baby pictures from when I was small that she was showing me and there was one of m with my feet in her shoes and what appeared to be a nightgown although I was pretty small it was hard to tell. She said I was around two at that time. There a couple more similar to that one from around when I was four. My mother said at first when I would do that they thought it was cute but then they began to worry that I was going to turn out to one of those.

I asked her hat she meant when she said one of those and she said you know one of those boys who thinks he is a girl and does whatever it is though people do. I let is pass then, trust me when I say that over the years I have had so many discussions about her attitude with all that that I didn't want to go here with her.

Then later on when I had time I started trying to remember things from my past. I remember, since both my parents worked and mom thought boys should be able to look after themselves that I was tasked with doing the laundry but wasn't ever allowed to handle or fold my mom's things. Starting to make sense to me now lot of things that happened like that.

What would she say if she knew that I was one of "those" who liked to spend time wearing dress and makeup? I read here and in another forum often about how people come out to their mother or other relatives and how wonderful and understanding they were. It must be nice, truly, to find that level of acceptance. I know I will never have that.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't need that from my family. The "validation" I have gotten is from the kind and understanding of those in here in this forum. The only acceptance I really need is from those who have an understanding of what it is like to be me. I'm never going to pass, I know that, I know I look better than some others who enjoy this "hobby" and I know I will never ever look anywhere as good as some. I am ok with that because the comments I have read in posts here make it clear that the vast majority understand that I just want to enjoy the feelings.

Thank you for listening to my senseless ramblings.

I thought it was an interesting post and not at all senseless.

Hi Sara...yeah we understand that is why we are all here it is a support group at times. You can always under dress, paint your toe nails, or sleep in a nightgown...unless your grand daughter runs and jumps into bed with you or ever has but that is probably not possible either.

I have learned that you pick your battles. My mom and dad went to their grave, I never told them because I knew they would never understand it. That is just the older generation. There are some people you just know and so you do not tell them. Then there are others who you pick up using your senses that they are highly likely to be ok with it all. That is what I do and I have yet to find anyone who has not supported me. I have an older more conventional christian sister and I know she is is the group of people I just can't bring into my inner circle of people who know. my younger but older than me sister is very straight forward and pragmatic - told her and it was fine with her but I never see her. My sons I waited until they were 18 and 21 to tell them and both were fine. My older one told me he prefers not to see me dressed, so I do not dress when he is around. That is how I have chosen to manage opening the closet door...my wife I told 7 years into our now 24 year marriage and she accepted it, we had a good marriage she is now declining with dementia which became total care 6 years back. I have told our sitter, the social worker and chaplain and have been dressed when they were here...just today on another thread I started. There are people online and a female cousin of my wife's who know. I fully intend to continue in this way.

It is tough wanting to be able to dress when your feminine side is there and running free...perhaps you could find an alternate location, or a friend who would let you go over and dress while you visit? or get a hotel room and sit and watch TV and surf the web for a few hours?? Or you could lock your bedroom door for a little while? Bottling it all up is not good...can you discuss it with your wife? Perhaps she could take her to the park or go out somewhere occasionally? Just some thoughts. I am lucky I now have the freedom to be who I am just about every day as much as I desire.

Good luck to you Anne

Hi Sarah,

You said, "It must be nice, truly, to find that level of acceptance. I know I will never have that."

Me either, I suppose. Even though I am very fortunate that my wife is okay with my dressing, she will never really enjoy it, still less be an enthusiast, and in certain ways (though she'd never admit this) it seems to me she thinks the less of me for it.

Imagine a world in which you and I and all of us could sashay out in our dresses, be complimented for especially nice outfits as women are now, and, on a more ordinary plane, simply work, play, enjoy life in dresses without anyone specially noticing one way or the other. Because they're just our clothes.

Maybe if enough of us imagine it, it will come true. Though the road getting there will not be short nor easy.

Marissa Mae

Marissa Mae wrote:Imagine a world in which you and I and all of us could sashay out in our dresses, be complimented for especially nice outfits as women are now, and, on a more ordinary plane, simply work, play, enjoy life in dresses without anyone specially noticing one way or the other. Because they're just our clothes.

I second that or...third that... I am enjoying a second day relaxed at home enfemm today in my green knit dress and pumps. At home in a dress because we are not allowed, were we able to go out and about to places where we could casually dress up - as women do in dresses...I suppose I might be lounging in fem clothes that would include fem capris, or shorts or jeans. I think I enjoy wearing dresses at home so much because we are just flat out not allowed so this is the only place we can, we were socialized and raised as stereotypical males no variations from that allowed, yet girls get to be tomboys...Oh well.

I was reading about role reversal there are articles out there...the gist of it is marriages where the wife is the one with a career while the husband for one reason or another is in a lesser position, perhaps even a house husband...why not house wife if that is what they are doing? Anyway...these marriages do not last because the woman wants someone who is superior to them so they leave their less successful, submissive? spouses as soon as they find a more powerful dominant male one who makes more money than them and who is smarter than they are and more educated...perhaps women just find that exciting, thrilling, interesting they do not like being in a dominating position they want a confident, powerful male...just do. With all the protestations about glass ceilings, unequal pay, wanting to be as powerful...push comes to shove they want that kind of man and their loving, less aggressive, more submissive, lower paid house husband is just not attractive. You are correct women do think less of us for it...we are not seen as real men. Women are socialized to look down on men like us we may be faithful and loving but it is what it is.

All of you have said so wonderfully. We only dream on that we could one day wear the female apparel that we choose, when we wish, in the open to all, with no consequences.

You are not alone in your position Sarah, for while my wife accepts my dressing, no other person close to me would understand nor accept it.