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The last couple of years have been strange with my CDing. On the one hand, I hadn't applied makeup for a couple of years and had bought CDing stuff sparsely over those years. On the other, I found, for the first time, I did underdress on key occasions - and for the last year, I've been aware of a big change in that I've started to be taken over by the sense that I'm a woman.

I was in a shop the day after that had happened properly for the first time - and an SA commented that I must be at peace with myself because of the way I behaved. I guess everyone knows there's an awful of stress out there - and on that day I felt I just didn't care basically, it's that kind of fulfilment you can get out of the CDing. But, on top of that, to have someone say that, it really does go home - like this has to be the right track is what it says.

So I did finally apply makeup again for the first time in nearly 2 years about 2 weeks ago. It was a more intense experience. Now the sense of being a woman kind of got upheld by what I saw in the mirror and basically I was going around like I was a woman and that was that. I've done it once since, with rather similar results, so I'm pretty sure I'm back to makeup for good.

I'm not sure what this means. I do go back to being a man without a great deal of trouble - and, if anything, I've felt more secure in myself as a man. But, on the other hand, the feelings of being a woman are so intense...well, it's hard to know where they'll really end up.

Thank you for sharing this update, Anthony. I'm in tears. I am also so happy to hear that your inner peace is being recognized by those around you.

To your happiness.

Kelly.

Congratulations Anthony in finding that inner peace that so many, TG or otherwise, never seem to achieve. Though I am not a trained professional I have done some counseling in the TG community and believe me when I manage to help someone finds themself it is a very rewarding experience. I have read many of your posts and you are a voice of sanity to many here. Keep it up please, the girls here as well as the entire community needs people such as yourself.

I wish you well and pray that balance you have now stays with you throughout your journey of life.

Thank you girls. I'm going to burst into tears too if I'm not careful. I really don't do crying terribly well - but it's there believe me.

I do have to be clear - I don't feel that peace really that much. It's a kind of fugitive Grace. But it's there and I can get back to it enough.

Anthony, I think that, for anyone with a really engaged life, peace will be intermittent. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing; as long as you can achieve personal peace some of the time , you are probably on the right track.

Like you, I have gone through different periods when I dressed a lot , or dressed a little, underdressed, gone out, not gone out, used makeup and gone without makeup. I'm not so sure that the changes have anything more to do with gender identity than with just being human. We work out or ride motorcycles or read a lot of books, then we don't, then we do again. I think that being highly aware of a gender displacement, or fluidity, in a society that doesn't recognize or honor that very much just heightens our awareness of it.

A year or so ago I realized that all my makeup was old, because I hadn't been using it, so I got rid of it. Recently I have started to collect some again. But I don't use it that often. When I wear it too frequently my wife starts worrying that I want to transition. We all have our anxieties, I guess.

Anthony, April Rose hit the nail on the head! Inner peace while being what we all seek is not eternal and it does come and go. I have found the trick for me is to try to set aside a little time for myself everyday and just chill. Sure that sounds great and it is not always possible but try it and see how it works for you.

Thanks April and Dianna Michelle. My dentist did once suggest I tried the yoga route because I told her I was rather a tense person. That's kind of like setting aside a bit of your day. I guess we all have routines embedded in our day which give us at least a bit of that inner calm.

For some reason, when she said that, I knew I needed something more active to work for me. Which is contrary - you look for peace by doing something active, but that's me. The thing about the CDing is it is kind of making a secret place for myself. And then I go there and it's different.

Like I do have all these massive problems from the past, but also from the way other people relate to it, built up with the CDing. So then just releasing the woman bit of me just gets rid of (a large element) of that stuff. It's like it automatically creates an element of peace because you've got rid of the conflict other people have imposed on you.

It looks like, when I just plain felt like a woman last summer, I did finally reach a place where that imposed conflict wasn't there at all. The thing is, of course, you don't really know. I mean the next day, I'm wondering what it really means - if I'm kidding myself. So then I go into this shop and this woman says that. I wasn't thinking before "now I'm at peace with myself", I was just feeling good.

But when she said that, it just rang true and I though "Yes, she's right. That makes sense."

I do do stuff when I go into being a woman. It's like, quite specifically, I seem to go into it often when I've got some problem to solve. So then I'm enjoying the whole process and suddenly, out of nowhere, some idea comes in my head and I realise I've solved some problem.

So maybe that's the deepest way it's to do with peace for me. Like the resolving of problems I can't otherwise get a handle on. Like until I get dressed up, they whirl round in my head and make me ill at ease.

My analyst once said to me I had a big problem with envy for women, because they could have babies and I couldn't. This is me "conceptualising" - like making mental babies. And, oddly enough, I do have to turn myself into a woman to do it.

That makes a lot of sense. That is like when I am feeling at odds with myself, I put on a dress and clean the house.

If I ever do reach the stage where, fully crossdressed, with make-up and everything, I look in the mirror and feel happy about myself for the first time ever..
That might be the moment I decide that this is not enough.

No matter how fleeting, you had such a moment.
Good for you!

Grace is where you find it. It's not really answerable to what you do. There's some line about watched pots never boiling and I think that fits here.

Anthony I'm happy for you that you are coming to peace with your feminine side. I know when I finally accepted Heather as an integral and growing part of me I felt a huge burden lifted and now that I know being Heather is what I am destined to be for the rest of my life it is so satisfying.

Heather W wrote:I know when I finally accepted Heather as an integral and growing part of me I felt a huge burden lifted...

Thanks, Heather. "Integral and growing" - In a way that's right about me. It's like there's this part of me that I need to reorganise the rest of myself to incorporate.