Dating Site revelation...or nope...

[Anne Bonny]

I am gender fluid, I am...has no connection with orientation, I happen to be heterosexual. My wife has advanced dementia and is total care. As we approach the 7th year of total care by myself as the sole caregiver with what could potentially go on for years longer I dream about when I will be free of all of this. A time when I have been given my life back to me, and my poor wife is finally beyond all of her suffering. Our marriage our true marriage ended 6 years back as she fell further and further into her dementia, she can only communicate now with a one word response, she no longer knows who I am, there are no longer any conversations...a pat or a hug by myself but most of my grief work is done, was done by the 3rd year of total care, acceptance comes, and the relationship changes..the kind of love changes it is a memory love of who we were, what we had. Now it is commitment, my honor, my inability to neglect the love of my life but to remain by her side and to care for her as best I can...

But I am looking to my future, thinking and dreaming...so I have joined a dating site strictly to "window shop" I cannot act or ask anyone if they would be interested in meeting somewhere...not until my wife is gone. But I can look, even message or respond though it has been months since anyone has sent me a message. Guess I am not the best looking guy out there...oh well.

I wonder should I answer those questions they have that the women can see, as I can see the questions they answered If I click a few times and desire to look at what their answers were.

I have not posted any pictures of myself with make up or femm clothing on...and I have not responded to such questons as "Do you own any sexy underwear? Yes, No, comment." "Would you mind if during sex your partner stated "good boy" or "good girl?" "Is it acceptable for men to wear make up?" "If your partner asked you to wear her clothes would you?" and many others.

I would love to cut to the chase and present openly who I am...but again some feel no you need to keep it all under your hat...have a few dates so they get to know you before you reveal all of who you are. This gives them a chance to see you are a nice person, a normal person who just happens to have a femm side. So once that is established very early on before things progress too far and your heart is involved the truth must be presented. Then if she breaks it off it is not too painful.

My question is why? If a woman has to experience who we are before we spring the potential of something which could thrill or sicken why not just state who we are on the site...then when they show interest and we arrange a meeting they already know all of who we are and still want to come see us and meet...

Something tells me revealing vs hiding until they experience who we are are just alternatives is one better than the other... I am sure there are very good reasons but I am tempted to just state it in my profile.

Right now I am hiding it all...which means 99.9% of those who might be interested would not be if they knew. Wouldn't it be best to find the 0.01% who have no problem with any of who I am?

I suppose some once they experience who I am...then few meetings in I reveal I wear dresses etc too....what? They are going to give me a chance before they decide to cut it off? That's the argument?

[Eileen (SO)]

Anne, I truly admire your dedication to your dear wife. But your life should go on. Looking for the next partner seems reasonable as long as your caregiver duties do not diminish.

I don't know much about dating sites, it sounds like the one you're on asks very specific questions on gender orientation.

[quote="Anne Bonny"] and I have not responded to such questons as "Do you own any sexy underwear? Yes, No, comment." "Would you mind if during sex your partner stated "good boy" or "good girl?"
quote]

Are these type of questions normal for serious dating sites?
Any potential partner should know that you care for a ailing wife. I would shy away from dating sites that ask if sexual performance should be complimented by "Good Boy" or "Good Girl". Those are demeaning terms as in SM relationships. A loving couple will say 'I love you', or 'that was wonderful', instead of an affirmation that sound like a dog performing well to commands.

Eileen

[Noeleena]

Hi.

Well as you know i dont hide any of my history life or my past that includes i was married to a lovely woman = Jos and some about our grownup kids and 12 grandkids yes Kaylyn has had her 6 th child , a lovely wee lass 7 lb 10 ,last Tuesday , you know my detail concerning my back ground as many Millons of other s so theres nothing to hide ,

Okay so i look for some one who would be interested in myself so i tell them put my name on the net and read up about who i am ,my ? will be who would be interested in an intersexed female , its simple and straight forward if they wont to contact me they know about myself and can ask as some do or say i need a man or a woman , to me theres nothing gained by hiding ,

what im saying is you start out the way you plan to go be honist upfront truthfull and open , and then no backlash later on , and no lie,s , people can trust me because they know me well enough

Remember i,v talked to 10s of 10000s of people i can not afford to lie about myself because my info is out there ,and i,v been around long enough to have contacts we can trust with each other ,

Okay dating sites forums or what ever , be carefull there many who are scammers and some men pose as women they lie dont bother to tell the truth and are conning people I have many friends and we watch out for each other and i help when i need to .

Yes i know some say dont tell till a bit later on , right ,if you cant tell me straight off then would you later ,,,

look at it from where i am a female and im looking at a chap with intent of a friendship and we get to know each other say 3 months and i think this is going quite well , and he drops me into oh by the way i like dressing ,,,ooops what ,,, bugger how far is this going to go , OH NO.......

No No ......cant be then think wheres my self esteem my self worth and my confidence is one woman in the house is more than enough and on it goes , you get what im saying .i was signing in to a relastionship with a man ...not an other woman , trust me this is what its about ,

I,v had other women live with me in the home ,well house , and i get on pretty well yet there are times i wont to screem , just as friends ,

Okay you know what its like being a male , i dont , and i,v never had to try having a male around me , dont know if i could full time so go back to i wont to screem ,,,,oh yes ,

Okay i have had to concider issues that have come up with in our family and i do have a very good working understanding of what its like , for you yes i belive its hard , i dont have the answer thats best for you i can only tell from this side of the fence and what i,v been through .not Just myself this includes Jos and Our Kids ,

...noeleena...

[Anthony Simon]

what im saying is you start out the way you plan to go be honist upfront truthfull and open , and then no backlash later on...

That's true, but there's also the problem for CDs of people's preconceptions of us. I know I had this conversation with a young woman while buying a wig a couple of years ago (we've talked about it before) - and she started out kind of looking sideways at me. As we got into it, she warmed to me. At the end she made a point of saying there'd be women interested in me, but to leave telling them I was a CD until they'd got to know me.

It's evident that she was replaying her experience with me and extrapolating it to women at large. So she started out with a prejudice against CDs and my conduct disposed of it to the extent where she saw me as something like an "attractive man".

So I was pretty straight with her during the conversation - and do kind of agree with your general statement - but, in the case of CDs, there are these special considerations.

[Paulette]

I've never started a conversation with "I like this, and do that, and sometimes/often wear this, " etc.

After I know someone and feel that they at least respond neutrally to my vibes, and if I'm interested in them, then sure, gradually, checking to see what's acceptable, etc.

Very rarely will anyone see me in other than my usual (male) clothing. If they see me in female dress ("It's not women's clothes. I bought it. It's my clothes." ~ Izard.)

If the see me in a hot tub, all bets are off because I'll be naked and so will they and if it's at a friend's place or my current place there will be people of all 97 genders and most will be poly.

So enjoy. I think there's some room over here . . .

[Noeleena]

Hi ,

Anthony

Okay . My lack of understanding males. today i had 15 staff working for myself for our community Dinner yes it went well and we had over 90 attend ,yes im incharge of the kitchen and food ,

and im very close working with them some i had not met before and others i,v known long ago .and i have close friendships with many ,of cause im dressed in my Renaissance garb and comments lovely ones are made ,

Im not sure i .....Thoughts going through my mind in understanding how you ....see this crossdressing side of your self ,yes of cause i,v heard many storys does not mean i comprehend it ,Hmmm..... okay what i see this is not just about wearing our clothes theres this side of yous that goes beyound just dressing , That i know i would struggle with it i have , im not going to say its easy for myself its not , I may be born different yet i only see as a female ,

Yet i have helped other dressers , with thier clothes makeup and so on and advice ,,,just im not in relastionship with them , allso i have a friend who would like me to live with and has asked a number of times when will i move in , i knew her Mom quite well and have stayed with them yes thats okay for 6 weeks at times and i will this coming June , Just to live with her longer , no ..no way .I know what im like , it would never work, even a Dr friend said why dont we just move in together ,,,,Oh dear that was lovely just not this kid .

I wont to advoid tags yet so you know she is a trans person , and i,v known her and her Mom for some 6 years They are Tasmanians over the ditch from us ,1800 miles

I know you dont really know me that well though if you met me youd get to know me very well in a short time .as others do .

as i said to Anne Bonny and most here know i dont fully know or understand your thoughts on dressing whys and wherefors yea i try and thats all i can do ,

Oh heck another long write ,
...noeleena...

[Anthony Simon]

Im not sure i .....Thoughts going through my mind in understanding how you ....see this crossdressing side of your self ,yes of cause i,v heard many storys does not mean i comprehend it ,Hmmm..... okay what i see this is not just about wearing our clothes theres this side of yous that goes beyound just dressing , That i know i would struggle with it i have , im not going to say its easy for myself its not , I may be born different yet i only see as a female

You're right, it does go beyond the clothes. Like I said to the young woman - talking about sexual desire, but it's overall - when I get dressed up "everything changes". So this is me as a woman (IMHO).

[Anita]

My vote would be for full disclosure in the profile. If you were 25, maybe I wouldn't recommend that. That's not the case, though. Anything less than full disclosure is going to be a distraction to you while you're waiting for that third date to talk to them about the real you. This also eliminates the dilemma about putting off telling them, because things are going so well that you don't want to risk ending the new relationship.

[Anne Bonny]

Wow...all of you are so wonderful to chime in on this, thank you so much! Yes Eileen...it is a reputable site...I got a pen pal off the site a lady who's mother has Alzhemer's, and who is an RN like myself but who worked in Hospice...Her brother cares for their mother in the Mother's home he is going to inherit. I do believe the questions are there because these are valid questions. And Yes...being told "good boy/girl" by a partner would be demeaning, I do feel I prefer or would like to be a little bit submissive to her but not all the time and not at all in a sub/dom relationship way at all. I just believe sometimes it's nice to follow another's lead, and to feel loved as an equal.

Noleena you are so funny! I do believe...course I was begging the question to even ask it that I desire to be open on the site open about my situation which I already am. But I have not been open about my femininity...gender fluidity...and I have just not been able to see why. It is important to be absolutely honest from the start, I really cannot see lying and misleading potential women then hoping they can accept all of who I really am when I spring that on on them..I just do not feel that would be a good way to go. So I will honestly answer those questions and give explanations too when needed.

Anthony...now I am edging back because that is the very reason. I think when I went for my pedicure...the ladies seemed to warm to me and relax as I talked to them. That is the thing...so If I am open...I may find accepting ladies ready to meet but they will have their preconceived notions and ideas about CDs which would present still another problem to overcome to set them right as they get to know me. But if they get a chance to meet me as a person and then if it begins to look as if it is working out begin to open bit by bit from that point... No doubt about it it is an obstacle or hurdle that will make it hard and most women will want nothing to do with it at all. Gee it is so hard to try to fine a new partner but this time I have a chance at full acceptance so If I find someone I will be able to breath freely.

Paulette...Hum? Room over there!? wha...hahaha!!! No...but yeah I hear you leaning to the meet first be your male part and pick up the vibe...I suppose as when I use my radar in screening who I can or cannot share my femm side with. And If I sense not...well tell them and be done with it unless they really surprise me and turn out to be the woman of my dreams...

Noleena...Hey that's alright about the long writes on Anne's thread anyway - Ha! Birds of a feather.... As far as understanding us...well there is just this boat adrift on the gender fluid of my brain that is sloshing about...all the time we are aware and sometimes we are torn... wanting to mix and match or under dress because we feel gender conflicted or like neither gender just a person unsure and not wanting in particular to go one way or the other but really neither all at the same time...other times...I get up and change from chemise and panties to male t shirt and briefs, shave use masculine grooming products, and grab my masculine kit because I am just feeling male we do not really think too much about it just is, other times it is go to with feminine grooming and a feminine kit for the morning, could go all day but disruptions usually have me relaxing after my run into masculine things but not always... Yeah we are kind of hard to understand gender especially when it is fluid is well nebulous...foggy...fluid dynamics.... Imagine having a set body and orientation but with a gender which has you in a blender. Our gender is kind of mixed up. Sometimes I feel very close to and as if I fit in with the women about me, other times with the men but it can turn on a dime in an instant. Usually it will light on the male limb for a morning before fluttering off to the feminine limb...ha! Thing of it is Our personality is fixed I mean we are who we are mentally, moods can fluctuate but our gender also fluctuate.

Anthony...For a gender fluid person the internal shift of my gender leads me to shift my attire as my gender changes and being in that gender I can not stand not being consistent internally and externally so I dress and the effect is I am where my gender is...sometimes feminine, other times masculine I am at times a man...or a woman yet my body is fixed as my personality is.

Anita...Thank you! I think I will answer the questions truthfully...not sure about pictures or a real need for ... hum. There is no right or wrong answer. I can try it one way...then if it's not working change sites and try it the other way. But at 58 staring at the potential of my wife surviving longer...a few more years!? Time is short to find someone, the right partner to finish the race of life with to the end. I have to have a partner it makes life so much better it multplies everything in life for the better enjoying life with another is synergistic. Sad to be alone...hard for me. I can do it if I have to but it would be far below optimum. Also have to go against my loner grain and make friends the value of having friends outweighs anything which would be negative about having people around.

[Anthony Simon]

Sorry Anne, I'm going to take this thread slightly adrift.

Okay . My lack of understanding males....i have a friend who would like me to live with and has asked a number of times when will i move in , i knew her Mom quite well and have stayed with them yes thats okay for 6 weeks at times and i will this coming June , Just to live with her longer , no ..no way .I know what im like , it would never work...

I have a basic tendency which I think is rather commonplace among men. I tend to go at things like a bull at a gate. That is, if a relationship isn't working, my initial response is just to keep bashing away at it in the hope that somehow that the gate will unlock.

I've learnt to see it from a woman's point of view - and understand what a pain that sort of interaction is - and it's painful to remember how I used to do that a lot in my youth. I think woman are better at this sort of thing and just sense the thing isn't working (and isn't going to work) and stop.

[Anita]

Anne--
I would go online and seek out a different community right now, in addition to the dating sites. That would be the online community of caregivers who are facing the same situation. See what the attitudes are toward caregivers forming other relationships while the spouse is still around. If you had support, you would be a much better caregiver in whatever time is remaining. It could not hurt to hear stories about how others have handled this.

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...not sure if that was directed at Noleena from Anthony...Anita...the dating site is nothing I can act on until she is gone and I have made that clear there letting any who care to read my profile what is gong on in my life. That my purpose for being there until my wife is gone is just window shoppning and a place to see single women who are out there so that I can feel hopeful for my future. That's pretty much it. Also it is one site so if I screw up my image there there are multiple other dating sites out there to start again, or I can simply try the old fashioned way looking off line once the time comes by becoming involved in group activities like the running club, perhaps attending boating events...or taking a college class for fun to see who might be there...any potentials in or around the junior college...wherever I would be interacting with people but no christian or church groups.. People of the agenda...I am an agnostic.

[Anthony Simon]

Hum...not sure if that was directed at Noleena from Anthony

Yeah it was, Anne - sorry. Didn't make it clear. It's just something that came in my head when I was out on my bike.

[Anne Bonny]

Sure..of course.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Oh , the Bull at the gate Oh yea and a stubbon bull as well , yes i do understand that very well , and while you were younger and dont discount not so

young ,oh ...yes ....and my self and it would be a toss up who was worse trust me Jos knew and she taught me a few things , so i was not that perfect little person , far from it at times and Mom knew as well , hey we do grow up I think ,,,,

...noeleena...