Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Girls,

Well, I never thought I would get there, but here I am. ACCEPTANCE. I came home yesterday. My oldest daughter who is freeloading here, packed up all my stuff, and took over my drawers and closet, and I popped a gasket when I got home, it angered me so bad. She won't work, she don't pay for anything, she won't help around the house. She leaves a mess everywhere she goes. Then she calls my wife, and tells her I am freaking out. So she comes home and starts a huge fight with me, which ends in her calling me "sissy boy" and "sick pervert" like "na na na" in a school kid voice, in front of my kids. It was really ugly.

My relationship with my wife is irritrievably lost. She is totally not the person I thought she was. She is so superficial, it is unreal. No substance whatsoever. What you see is what you get, as far as she is concerned. I can only be a crossdresser now. I can have no other identity. So? I really just can't wait for this to be over now. The beginning is now over. But I want the split up to be over as soon as possible. I really can't even stand to be around her.

The good news is, she gave it her best, and I am still in a great mood today. Everyday, in everyway, I am getting better and better.

Love to all,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

I thought you moved to your friends place by yourself? Are the children with you? How old is this daughter?

Yes I agree with you the sooner it's over the better off you will feel. It is also important that you get through this with the less fighting and pain as possible, and with your Daughter running information back and forth like that won't do anything to help the situation.

Hi Elizabeth,

Things are bad now but they will get better. It might well be over where your wife is concerened but don't count your daughter out. My daughter left home when she found out about me but after years of no contact she finally did realize I was still her dad. We have a very close relationship now, it can happen for you too.

Jenn

Dear Elizabeth------------I'm so sorry that this card has been cast--yet these are the things of life----while I'm sure you have lots of experience dealing with loss and have made it through difficulties with others involved I thought I would add my perspective to what I percieve as your situation.

---this is bound to be long...broken hearts are the saddest part of this world to me. I hope these words can help---if as nothing else-- just a distraction from your own thoughts for a few minutes.

That betrayed and lonely feeling that no one else can TRULY share with you. It can be a lot to bear...and to watch another close to you attempt to bear and break under this makes for a snakey-ball of worms.

Breaking up is hard to do..

I have been through enough sad-break-ups to make Patsy Cline a triple set of albums of sorrowful tunes.

It does seem like one can feel several ways during a very upsetting emotional time as this must be in your life.

In fact the mood swings themselves do take a toll on ones heart---how to feel so many ways about something---SOMEONE---and that endless discourse about the past---much like a point counter point trial----with no third party to act as mediator feelings are easily trounced

defensive and angry statements pop out mean and ready from both sides--

--usually both sides are willing to treat each other worse than ANYONE else in the WHOLE world. Saying things that only THEY could.


The love you had for each other was real before---the shadow of that love can still help you now. If you can find it during the hurt.

It IS hard to lose a safe plce in someones heart.


These hurtful comments are expressions of agitated emotion. They deserve no place in your memory.


Forgive those comments if you can.
BUT DEFINATELTY FORGET THEM!

Especially because I believe we all secretly doubt any of the resentful and bitter attempts we come up with to cast the other person as being the supply of evilness.

The ironinc thing is they can be thinking the EXACT same thing and propbably are.

Evilness has a way of decieving both sides------------easy for me to say because I don't really know the exact nature of your life---but Elizabeth I can hear saddness in your post. I admire your stoic heart. I wish strength to you.


as the past is anytime but this moment---try to set it aside for now.

You can all interpret it later---and you will---and as you age and age and greyness dusts your locks---you'll see it differently yet again---obviously I'm just making a point----------FORGET ABOUT THE PAST AS BEST YOU CAN> IT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE 100% of the time.

These moments where you manage to will likely be the only break you get from the constant troubled feelings for awhile. CHERISH those moments and by all means try and RECREATE whatever works.

The Idea of Justice with regards to what the past was must be forgotten. EVEN if you are on upper ground here.

At least do your best. That angry resentment is a mental-loop that will only repeat itself. The comfort that it offers is sparse.


To really admit that this world is in such flux that sometimes we may no longer be " THE ONE" for our ex---is better by far. It is hard to snap your fingers and become unattached.

To really look to the FUTURE not the past. Or at least attempt to move away from dialogue about the past---internal or otherwise.

During troubled times
I have been very unsuccessful at this for more than a few hours at a time. Under times of emotional stress I actually become rather obsessive about situations and compulsively stumble about trying to calm my mind/heart.

How to calmly non-act and let emotions pass??? I wish I knew.
Still I sense that direction.
I seek this as a truth.
We are designed to feel good and confident. OUR MINDS are set up that way.

The more successful one can feel---little things--or big-true things----like looking for meaning during the storm...

real meaning is closer during hard times

--it's as close to you as your jugular-vein.

your truth might be different than mine---but I HOPE YOU FIND YOURS !

----BE WELL MY FRIEND!!!---Tea-cake

Hi Elizabeth,

Hang in there hon. The worst of it shall be over soon enough. I have also sent you a PM.

Darlene,

I did, it was the "trial separation", but i missed my kids too much. Also, I found out what I needed to. I found out that I am much happier away from her. My daughter is 21. She is very pretty, but unfortunately like her mother she is a user. She has never supported herself. She goes from internet boyfriend to internet boyfriend. She has living in Kansas, New Orleans, Philidelphia, Wyoming, Colorado, California, both northern and southern. She gets guys to buy her a plane ticket, she goes, she bleeds them dry, then my wife always lets her come back, where she gets back on the internet and does it again. She never works, and has no assets, and bad credit because she got credit cards and used them but did not pay. She cosigned for one of her BF to buy a truck, and he didn't pay for it. She is really messing her life up, and my wife won't let me do the decent thing, and kick her out and make her, make her own way. Instead my wife is codependent, and uses my daughter as an ally against me.

Hope that clears that up a bit, Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Love is a secret marbel that rolls around inside your mind.

Given a chance---it can release you from the draining.

Your love wants so much to bring you peace Elizabeth---

-----------------------Tea-cake

Hi Elizabeth,

I am sorry to hear things are still messy at the moment , theres always light at the end of the tunnel so keep strong.

Elizabeth, I have thought about what to say, so here is my input. First even though you may have current difficulties with your daughter, you do not want to lose her or give up on her. My daughter and I had somewhat the same relationship but for different reasons. She eventually discovered that I was not the "bad guy" in the relationship, that it was actually her mother. She will have to find that out for herself and at 21 it may take a while, but do not give up on her, you may go a while with little or no communication but eventually she will see the truth and I can only hope that you two will develop the relatinship that I have with my daughter, finally. We are now, just the very best of friends. She has married a great guy, given me two wonderful grandchildren and we talk for hours at a time and really enjoy eachother. It will come for you and your daughter, it will just take time so be patient! As for your wife, well that is a decision that you will have to make and I think you know what that will be.
Good luck and God bless and we are her for you.
Love,
Deborah

Elisabeth,

My parents kicked me out. The only time I was allowed to be at home was if I was physically injured, and then out the door I went again as soon as they felt it was time.

I never felt that the door was kept open for me. Although your daughter is 21 she is not a mature 21 year old. She is damaged. I believe that she should be forced to leave the nest, but allowed to return if she fails with conditions put in place for how she is to conduct herself while in your home.

She needs to know that living the kind of life she is will not bring her the happiness she is longing for, but needs a place where she can grow, when and if she becomes ready to grow up.

That is how I see it. She needs love; some thing that by what I can gather from your posts has not been present in your home for some time.

Darlene,

I agree entirely. I have also decided I would be the one to deliver on the love part. That is about all I can deliver on right now, but I think it will be enough.

Love always,
Elizabeth

PS
Sometimes I hate how smart you are. But I need that now. Thanks for being you.

Sometimes love is doing the difficult thing. It’s difficult to see a loved one in a sink-or-swim situation sinking, and rescuing them is the easy thing to do (yes, the easy thing). If we don’t allow them their failures as well as any successes, then we are not allowing them to live their own life. Allowing someone to deal with the consequences of their own choices is the only way they can learn from them (if they ever do). It sounds like you’re about ready to let her claim her life as her own (whether she likes it or not!), if she pulls out of it, someday she may well thank you for letting her grow up
If your wife is her codependent, then there is nothing you can do about their relationship, So don’t lose any sleep over that. Easier said than done, I know, still there’s my two cents worth..
Big hugs liz. -Nicole

Hi Elizabeth,

You stated that;Sometimes I hate how smart you are.

I do not see myself as being so smart, what I have learned is the result of hind sight. Keep in mind it has cost me a great deal to obtain this hind sight (out behind the barn) type of education.

It has cost me more than you would be willing to go through, It just helps to finally see that others are being helped as a result of what I have went through, which helps to give me some meaning in life.

And that in turn helps to make me grateful, yet keeps me humble. Which is right where I want to be.

I have to agree with both Darlene and Nicole. If you love your daughter, you will send her out into the real world to work without a safety net. No bailing her out except for medical necessity.

While my parents were not as strict as Darlene's, there certainly were rules. I was on my own and would sink or swim on my own. And, while my experiences were different, I got my own good look at H**L. But I scratched and clawed my way back with no help at all from my family. And I thank them for that every chance I get.

Hi all,
I am sorry if I gave the impression that I support, No bailing her out except for medical necessity.

One of my parents is a self confessed Sadist, and obtained sexual Gratification from observing others go through pain, physical, mental, and emotional. I do not thank them for that.

I thank the new people that became my friends who supported me when I fell, but let me dig my own way out of the holes I got myself into. And yes on one occasion even bailed me out financially. But did so believing that I would not likely repeat that mistake which I haven't.