Coming Out to Parents

[Emily]

I know that some of us have opened up to our parents...

What was the reason you told them?

When did you tell them? Were you older, or younger?

Did you find it difficult to tell them?

I personally have never told my parents about this side of me, but I feel this need to do just that. My dad has passed on, but my mom is still here and very much a part of my life... I just wonder if I could tell her, or if I even should tell her. While I am very close to my mom, I have always found it a little difficult to have an adult conversation with her... but I know she wants that. This would be one helluva topic!

My mom has always told me ever since I was very young that I could go to her about anything... I now wish I had. Should I for once be completely open? I remember years and years ago... when my SO and I were having some pretty epic arguments... she said that she would tell my mom that I was gay and a cross dresser. I warned my mom that she may be getting an angry email or phone call, I mentioned the part about being gay, but I left out the cross dressing part. She reassured me that she would love me the same whether I was gay or not, that it would not change anything at all. Maybe I should have opened up back then... of course it was easy to dismiss because I was never "gay" (not quite straight, mind you, but...). It was however difficult to mention the cross dressing part because, well... that was the truth.

I can't say why I am suddenly having these feelings... but I know I need to tell someone. Its becoming increasingly difficult to keep it all bottled up inside.

Last question... I know when I was younger, I used to "borrow" my mom's stuff every now and then. She had found a pair of panties that I had hidden once... but I don't suspect she knew about anything else. (Or maybe she did?) Do moms ever ask if their son had worn any of their things? I want to be honest with her, but I honestly don't know if I could handle this question... what do you say to that!?!?

[April Rose]

Emma, this is a difficult question to answer on a forum. Without really knowing you or your mom it's hard to answer responsibly one way or the other. Has she ever commented on trans people, or drag queens, or gender roles in any kind of general way in the past? Is she in good health? If she is religious, is her congregation LGBT friendly? Has she generally seemed open minded in the past?

If you really need to talk to someone about this, perhaps it might be better to speak with a gender oriented therapist first. You don't need to make a long term commitment.You could specify up front that you just want to talk over this one issue. Just doing that might give you an idea of how to approach the conversation.

It would be wonderful if you and your mom could be on the same page on this, but tread carefully. There is a lot at stake, both good and bad, for both of you.

I never discussed this with my mother, though I was caught several times when I was young.

[DonnaT]

My mom saw my picture. She didn't know it was me, and even after I told her, she wasn't fully convinced.

But once she was, she was fine with it.

[KimberlyS]

I told my parents when going through my divorce and my ex was using my cding against me. My parents were coming down to my court date to support me. I thought I should tell them before they got there. My Mom said I was still her kid and she loved me the same. Dad did not say much, but he never did. Mom said he was upset and asked her lots of questions. She said he needed to ask me. He never has asked any of them but still treats me the same. Was not the best situation to tell them but it worked out I guess. That way they know if someone ever says anything to them.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Ms. Erin]

I don't have much time so I add my quick reply.

When I came out to my mom as being trans woman she didn't know what transgender was, which kind of trough me off at my "planned" conversation. But at the end she told me I still was her son... the next day I still was her child... then I became her daughter. It took her a little while to get used to the news but now she is supporting me 100%

My mom did ask her church about "transgender" and she was told there are 3 trans woman in their community so that made her feel much better.

She loves me no matter what and she knows I live a happier life, which makes her happy as well.

[Emily]

Emma, this is a difficult question to answer on a forum.

If you really need to talk to someone about this, perhaps it might be better to speak with a gender oriented therapist first.

Thank you, April.

I suppose it is a difficult question to ask... and I have thought about counselling. A lot of these feelings I have been having lately, while not necessarily new have been getting stronger. Its a little confusing, and I'm not sure what it all means. I think I've been dealing with them rather well, but might not be a bad idea to talk to someone about them.

As for my mom... she's quite liberal and open-minded. I think she and my sister actually went to Pride once, or at least talked about going... so she supports the rights of LGBT. How would she react if she found that I was part of that group? Hmmm... that is the question.

Donna, Kimberly and Ms. Erin, it sounds like you have all had varying degrees of success. At least you let them know, and its great to hear about the support you get form your mom, Ms. Erin!

It seems strange to me... it really feels like if I came out, it could be one of the best things I could have ever done! At the same time, it also feels like one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made. Weird feeling about how one conversation could either be so right... or could just be so wrong.

[LouiseK (F)]

I can not begin to imagine how frustrating this must be for you, I have read that the need to dress can become much stronger the older people get add to that the fact that its natural to care less about what people think as we age and I guess the desire to share such things is bound to increase.

Only you know how your mum is likely to react, we do live in much more liberal times than even just a few years ago and I also believe that as parents we do mellow with time.

It may not be such a shock there is a chance she already knows.

I guess it comes down to why you feel the need the to tell her and what you are hoping the outcome will be so perhaps some counselling before hand would be a good idea.

It may be that even if you told her she would not necessarily want to be a part of that side of you, how do you think you would feel if there was a really neutral reaction about it all, would you be disappointed ? Are you hoping for shopping dates etc or is it really just the need to get it off your chest and share it with her.

Good luck with whatever you decide and remember your mum loves you x

[Emily]

I guess it comes down to why you feel the need the to tell her and what you are hoping the outcome will be so perhaps some counselling before hand would be a good idea.

Yes... I suppose this is really what it comes down to. I know I need to get this off my chest... I know that I may also need some counselling, but I think all I really need is some acceptance from someone close. There are all sorts of scenarios constantly going through my head... This conversation could go very, very well... OR, there could be a neutral reaction. I know my mom will always love me no mater what, but a neutral reaction would mean that I should have kept this to myself. I am going to try to open up a bit... I am going to try to get a feel of how she may react... not going to dump anything on her suddenly. I know I will need to take my time with this.

[Stephanie M]

I didn't really ever come out to my parents. My dad is CD so it wasn't exactly earth shattering the first time they saw me in a nightie when I was staying with them for a bit after I became an adult.

So this particular question I don't have any insight.

Last question... I know when I was younger, I used to "borrow" my mom's stuff every now and then. She had found a pair of panties that I had hidden once... but I don't suspect she knew about anything else. (Or maybe she did?) Do moms ever ask if their son had worn any of their things? I want to be honest with her, but I honestly don't know if I could handle this question... what do you say to that!?!?

For that question I would say most moms probably put 2 and 2 together on this and probably never want to mention it.

If she were to ask, there really isn't any harm in being honest she probably already knows the answer to the question anyway.

[LouiseK (F)]

I do not think that a neutral reaction is necessarily a bad thing, it may not be what you want but it is a start. By neutral I guess I mean that she may be pleased that you told her and will talk to you about it but may not be comfortable seeing you dressed etc. But at least it will be out there which from what I understand is what you need most right now.

[Emily]

Last question... I know when I was younger, I used to "borrow" my mom's stuff every now and then. She had found a pair of panties that I had hidden once... but I don't suspect she knew about anything else. (Or maybe she did?) Do moms ever ask if their son had worn any of their things? I want to be honest with her, but I honestly don't know if I could handle this question... what do you say to that!?!?

For that question I would say most moms probably put 2 and 2 together on this and probably never want to mention it.

LOL! No doubt. I honestly don't think that it would ever be something that would be asked... but it's funny where our minds will go when we try to anticipate how conversation will go. Who knows... maybe I'm just making this out to be a bigger deal than it is???

I do not think that a neutral reaction is necessarily a bad thing, it may not be what you want but it is a start. By neutral I guess I mean that she may be pleased that you told her and will talk to you about it but may not be comfortable seeing you dressed etc. But at least it will be out there which from what I understand is what you need most right now.

Thank you, Louise... I think now I know what you mean - neutral many not mean bad. But you are absolutely correct... I do need to get this out there, and I suppose there will be a comfort in doing so, despite the potential consequences. I am almost 100% certain that my mom would never be comfortable seeing me dressed... she might be ok with seeing a few pics though. If all goes well that is!

[Nicole Rose]

Hi Emma, just wanted you to know that seeing a therapist is not a bad idea, having their opinion and letting you open up would be a big relief, just getting it off your chest is always nice, take your time though, look how far you've come in the last year , by the way I luv your avartar pic, you are very pretty emma, best of luck in the future plus you have us too emma, ty for being you!!!!

[Stephanie M]

LOL! No doubt. I honestly don't think that it would ever be something that would be asked... but it's funny where our minds will go when we try to anticipate how conversation will go. Who knows... maybe I'm just making this out to be a bigger deal than it is???

If I had to guess, I would say yes. And I agree our minds go to some strange places when we anticipate a conversation with someone about something important.

I love the avi I'm proud of you for showing us yourself.

[Estefania]

Emma,

I have never told my parents. They knew about my CDing in my early teens. But the conversations once they found some clothes or after a close call (me rushing to take a shower, my mom finding some of her clothes off the hangers) would usually go in two parts...

Them asking: Why you do it? - and me answering: I don't know...
Then they saying: Don't do it again.

End of the conversation.

This is very embarrassing... I shoplifted once... a one piece girls swim-suit. I was at the store (a Walmart type store) with my mom and sister. I went my own way. I took the suit and hid it in my clothes. Went to the bathroom and in my stupidity I decided to wear it under my clothes so my mom wouldn't notice me having something that I shouldn't... leaving the restroom... I got caught.
Did I need to shoplift for the swimsuit? No... I had the $10 or $15 to pay for it. But I wasn't about to just go to the register with it. (Must have been about 11). So, they called my mom on the PA. They show her what I had taken, said that since it was the first time they would let me go once she paid for the item. Of course, it was very amusing for all involved but me or my mom. I wanted to die.

Yet... the conversation was still about the same as usual.

To this day, I don't know if they remember those incidents. I'm sure they believe it is only something in my past. Do I plan to tell them? Not really. Because they really don't need to know. Their lives wouldn't be any better if they knew. True, it may bring us closer in some ways... since they may get to understand many things about who I am. But we live so far apart that just doesn't feel like the right thing for me to do.

Woah... sorry, I went to a place in my mind that I had not visited for ages. I guess I can only add that we can do many stupid things trying to cover what we do and/or be able to do it.

Gaby

[Emily]

Thank you, Nicole and thank you Stephanie! You girls are just too kind! I appreciate it very much though!


Gaby,

I think we have all done some embarrassing things when we were younger. I remember going in to Zellers and seeing a bunch of boxed bras in one of those middle isle displays. It was right across from the electronics section... so as I was there browsing through the cassettes, I would take a sneak and figure out a way to snatch a bra... hide it in my coat and walk out. I must have been 12 or thirteen... Hmmmm... music and women's clothes... some things never change, LOL!

Anyhow, my good judgement got the better of me, and I didn't do it. But I had seriously considered it. Not to say that I had never lifted anything... not proud of it, but going through this is confusing enough... where else do you turn? Plenty of resources these days, a lot more understanding... not so much back then.

I can understand not saying anything to your parents if they live so far away. But bringing you closer together? Yes, that could very well be... but I really like how you worded that. I guess deep down by wanting to come out, by wanting to say something, having a sense of closeness, maybe that's what I'm feeling. I understand that it could have the complete opposite effect too... but something tells me it won't be that bad.