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Reading Jenner's book I ask myself again what is gender? Am I denying my authentic self...Anne? Would I like Jenner be much better off putting my Male self away and coming out fully as Anne? 
Like Jenner I do not deny my male self I have spent 60 years living as a male, I am a Dad, I am heterosexual, my voice is my voice, I still like and am interested in the same things along with some feminine things which I have always been interested in too. Like Jenner I see myself as a different kind of woman we do not and never will have the biology this is about gender these internal drivers inside of us that identify with women and say to us this is who we are and I cannot find peace inside myself in any other way than to simply be who I am inside. 
Our hormone is difficult to deal with it does drive our thinking, our emotions and passions while women's hormones drive them in a different direction. As a man I have come to realize how these substances have a powerful effect on how we see things, what solutions we arrive at, and how we feel inside. Perhaps my hormone plays a role in denying or confusing me about who I am leading me to deny my authentic self? It could be also like Jenner I have lived 2/3rds of my life in a role that has never quite fit. 
It is rather confusing. It is a combination of denial, a long history of being raised and socialized and forced into a life role contrary to my gender, and my hormone causes me to question even more who I really should be. It is as if I am under the spell of the siren's song which fights against my gender. This could be the cause of a life long disruption causing me to shift to the masculine life role and away from who I really should be and where I should be. 
So many of us live with this sense that we are torn like a piece of paper in half and have been all of our life. Not only is there what I suppose is dysphoria within...incongruity. We also feel the vicious and angry revulsion and rejection all around us by a society in denial that refuses to ever accept that we are people too who deserve to simply be who we are inside ourselves. By our family, our partners, children, friends, employers, and others. I am secular but it is as if we are crucified all through out lives. 

Anne you ask what gender is. Is it what it means to you same as it is means what it does to me or anyone else. I think sometimes we try to overthink these things. I know I did. I do know that after I started into therapy things became much clearer to me. I am not trying to say you are crazy but rather having someone to talk things through with helps. Not to try to push you down a road not meant for you but perhaps having someone as a sounding board will help you see things more clearly. I know your circumstances with your wife weigh heavily on you and I wish I had something witty to say about that but I do not. Still having that non judgmental trained professional to talk will be a Godsend, trust me.

Hi,

1, Lived in a role .....

2, Society.....

3, Raised and socialized.....

4 Society and rejection.....

5, Hormones .....

6, Gender.....

7, Mind thoughts and what controls that ,

From very young what were your thoughts about things , like sport school work watching films say history news items what you saw going to school ages 5 to say 10 , what you thought about your Mom and Dad, brothers sisters if any,

high school how you saw girls not so much clothes just their manner how they went about things , and same for other boys, what did you see and relate to, what interests did you have or like doing .

after High school how did you see girls then as friends mates or in a sexual manner, like to be with them and maybe have a girl friend, or friends , how did they see you . or was it about sex, or not ...

Why did you get married , for companionship sex , were there children, what was going on in your mind , did you see your self as any different from others = males , what did you see in a female that you liked , still for getting the clothes ...., just the person ,

Then later what changed for you why did you wont to be like a woman and live like as one ,

For get clothes makeup shoe,s adornments and any external add on,s,

we are looking still just at the female as a person who she is why she is what makes her tick .

Okay you ...wont... to live like a woman , okay , then give all your male clothes to some one and tell them to look after them for 6 months and lock them away, get your other clothes and wear them for 6 months , then see what its like full on in all details of life ,

no escape to a man cave to change in to male clothes because....

................ your rejected, live it breath it work it and suffer it,................

For get others as to what they have done or not ,,,,, this is about .....YOU..... no one else infact wipe their info or what they have done or changed or what ever it may be,

Your life your clothes and walk out that door you wont open you have the key so use it,

6 months and at the end then you can say what you should have a long time ago,

As for society they are not the issue or problem , that's just a lie , blame the mass,s that's like saying they are against you , doubt it, and proved it so many times , try some trust and show those many people you are no different. and no excuss,s of your too maleish looking or your voice is a little well not like some other women , I,v met some females like myself who are quite maleish we are still females .

As for gender I don't have one , or I have them both, really I don't care a damn nor should you .

As to ...A.... says who. I did both at the same time allways did and have and still do, so that issue holds no water, plus how you were raised or not does not define you , you are your own person what you do matters not or where you do it,

Hormones , I wont go into that as theres just too much to write and to many myths concerning this rather large detail for both male and female , just to say they are laced with so much background and its not allways as it seems, and theres many differences that are not understood as would be nice if they were,

Mind thoughts and what controls that, only you can answer , though I would say, your play is not working because you don't go out and act your part in life and you wont till as I said you unlock your door and step out side and don't take your kit bag with you 6 months its stays locked away ,

...noeleena...

Take a deep breath Anne. You raise some interesting points and IMO both Heather and Noeleena have given you some excellent responses. I have read many of your posts and I believe you need to seek some professional help. The situation with your wife I am sure weighs on your mind daily, the feeling of being tied down, the inability many at our age have to enjoy, the freedom to what we please, go where we want, and be who we are. I pray for a solution to this part of your predicament however that is not going to be the end but rather the beginning of the next leg of your life journey.

The blaming of hormones, male or female, is not the answer. They do not drive who we are. That is what should be long dead stereotypes in today's society however they still survive and thrive strong in many places. We are what we are and that is due to our personalities, DNA, upbringing, and life experiences. Yes there are differences in how males and females react to certain situations but that is due to how they have been "trained" to react to circumstances.

Have you lived 2/3 of your life in a role that never quite fit? Only you have the answer to that question. A trained professional can assist you in looking inside yourself and finding the answer to that as well as many other questions however understand that they are there not to steer you in one direction or the other. They are there to help you find the answers so if you go this route and I hope you do please do not go with answers but rather questions.

Wow...got someone's interest...have to rush off for groceries will come back later. I just wanted to add a thought.

That thought is...some of us depending on our personality are much more robust...that is they carry on in the face of resistance unconcerned about any of it ... that is they are going to be who they are "their authentic self" no matter and in your face. This type of personality is rewarded multiple times over instantly sorting out who will be in their lives, who will not be, who is going to be trouble and who is going to be accepting and supportive and they go on from there reaping the reward of their boldness perhaps being able to hold their jobs and receive tolerance and acceptance at work, making new friends and being why they are finally reaching the day when the thought of gender never entered their thoughts once....

Many of us myself included allow others to browbeat us into submission including our own doubts and reservations and we live "the conventional life" hiding our other self and wondering who am I? Like Caitlyn Jenner finally breaking out at 65! I am 60 though I started working on my "shell" (like a chick trying to hatch) somewhere about 5 years back I am still struggling, at times affirming I am a woman, reveling in just allowing myself to be at home growing my wardrobe which is quite full, fine tuning make up skills...etc...and enjoying being able to openly talk about it with accepting people but still not venturing out.

The self doubt and questioning leads me down the browbeaten road of convention with all the internal voices of those who say you are male...you are a man...sex=gender=sexuality....and this fights against the other internal voices which say Sex is not gender or sexuality though you are male and heterosexual you have a female gender...but how can that be if my interests (mostly), voice, body, sexuality are not female. Well, women can enjoy sailing.

Testosterone really does effect our thinking, our mood, our drive and anger and rashness until in time reason simmer's it down over time.

Gee...it is so hard to figure out. Am I lying to myself? the voices, the fear and the moods inside my head have done a number on me over my entire life. One thing for certain is I will be wearing dresses the rest of my life...not literally I am just stating I have always been and will always be partly if not fully female in gender and this will last my entire life because it is who I am.

It is this maddening struggle with myself with the spirits of these opposing thoughts doing a number as they dance on my head!

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I suppose I must be a coward...I am even looking over my shoulder in my own home in case the MIL and her driver one of my wife's old conservative catholic friends drive up unannounced...or the guy repairing my Truck drives up, or someone else....

I am dressed in my appropriate gender because I am Anne...I went for groceries dressed as my male self...but with my longer hair I am pushing the limits of convention and I know it. Had too much caffeine this morning...The aid is coming...I am just in casual dress it is cool and quite windy this morning no sandals...just my ballet flats, 8" shorts and a brown lady's T as a top with full make up jewelry forms and etc, hair fixed which looks nice because I washed and conditioned it this morning...

Diana...I am not going through much at all I am sure these are tiny problems compaired to many many others. I am financially fine...nice house... 1) I am managing my wife now toward the end... after 12 years 8 of which have required me to step up to provide an ever increasing amount of care I do believe we are in the last months of it all. 2) I have had a row with the son who lives in town so communication is broken ... I blocked him on FB and will not call...it has nothing to do with gender...in time well who knows, may be alright eventually? I don't know at this point. 3) I am dealing with gender a life long issue for me since the age of 9. 4) Yes, I am trapped but there is a very real and at times sad light at the end of this long seemingly never ending tunnel but I have done a boat load of grief work, acceptance I was there at the beginning, anger is where I am I suppose? I will ask the social worker to see what she thinks or I may call her. Hospice cares for both the victim...and the caregiver. Think I will print this out. You know...living on the gulf coast finding an experienced gender therapist is well, some claim to also deal with gender along with everything else. But I am not disrupted paying the bills, maintaining the house, caring for my wife, buying groceries.... But there is a weight...I have not been able to do anything with my investments, and though I do get out I have a wonderful sitter twice a week for 4 hours who even knows all about me and is fully accepting...wonderful lady, on scheduled 4 hour limit twice a week other than going for a coffee and being physically out of the house for a few hours or coming back early to talk to her there is nothing to replace the complete freedom to be spontaneous and to just be able to go and do what ever, when ever, forever how long it takes and also the possibility to meet a strong and wonderful woman (not until my wife is gone). Yeah...some kind of psychologist again...listen? Oh I don't know...I will see.

Heather...I am kind of tired of being so needy but I think it is a situation I am in and will not be out of until it is over. There is a lady who is a gender therapist on you tube who has written a book on gender that can be purchased off Amazon for about $30...kind of a workbook and because there are no true gender therapists anywhere near here inside of 60 miles other than generic therapists....well suppose I will order it and perhaps look into going back to the therapist I was seeing, or someone who states they do see people with gender as an issue. Thanks https://youtu.be/BbahTU5Qlyw" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; YOU AND YOUR GENDER IDENTITY: A GUIDE TO DISCOVERY by Dara Hoffman-Fox

Noleena...Yours is comprehensive....and is something I will have to copy and print over to my journal site so I can begin to work on your assignment.... I did order the book I mentioned above...there are others out there but I have purchased that one. Cold Turkey....gaw...so very scary and the hornet's nest it would stir up with my oldest sister, with family who do know me, the neighbor, my son's the impact on them...I am retired military and taking this through the guard post onto the base into the BX, Commissary, Military Treatment Facility...extreme conservative land....all of this seems to take me beyond white knuckles into a frozen catatonic state of terror and fear. Yeah...I need to see someone I suppose...gee do I think that!? I have over the years been dressed and have driven around and have even gotten out. In the past few years, though not in over a year...I have even gone into the Walmart neighborhood market fully dressed carrying a purse, make up ... just in lady's jeans and polo top made a purchase and left. I even went through a Starbucks drive up wearing a dress. I have told probably over 30 people if I count them all up and none have been opposed to my face but supportive. Even to a few of my son's friends on 2-3 occasions. It is just the going all the way bit that I cannot seem to find the strength to do...yeah...probably need some help. I would potentially go the see the therapist fully dressed if asked by them to do so? I would also have no problem in reality not as fantasy driving over to visit a supportive friend at their home too and I believe that would be a very easy outing for me. No telling what I could do if I had a supportive encouraging friend holding my hand...

What you propose is no middle ground...no hiding when it is convienent and with certain people but to stand out in the open with a bull horn and screaming "Ok everybody this is who I really am...get out of my life or get used to it, and if you support me come over here right now...."

I will take your exercise and start to work on it...takes thought....consideration. Thanks.
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Oh...and for the record I am not saying hormones have anything at all to do with gender but hormones do effect us...Look what women go through who experience their monthly cycle...the swings of emotion. Those who have started on hormones report they feel different ... less aggressive...more balanced.... Men as we know on testosterone are more aggressive...can be rather rash and lash out in anger if they are angry and it takes time for their calmer reasoned mind to catch up...they are more into assuming risk, more decisive...

These are different from gender..no I am absolutely not saying hormones or levels have anything at all to do with my gender. Wanted to clarify that.

all of this seems to take me beyond white knuckles into a frozen catatonic state of terror and fear.

That was extreme. I have been dressed and out in public, have met strangers.... I guess it is the hornet's nest I would stir up were I to tell family I have not told...perhaps the neighbor? But I rarely talk to them anyway. Nah...there are a lot of fishermen periodically along the bank of the bay I live next to...they would most likely not care. I am retired and completely independent and effectively single since my wife is probably withing months of death end stage Alzheimer's and is completely beyond everything.

Nah...But true a military base is hyper conservative and masculine so don't ask don't tell is the way to go there... entering the base as Anne is probably not advisable.

Around red neck town as Anne...hum...I would most likely be alright...

Hi Anne.

your detail =

The thought is some of who ...us...I,m not included in that . depending on our personality are much more robust and can carry on in the face of resistance ...unconcerned about any of it.

they are going to be who they are as their authentic self no matter and in your face,

Wow ... and oh heck.

I wont go through my details just only to bring up few points . in short.

Abused, at the point of death = being murdered, how we wernt I,ll never know .major issues at schools in learning, major Dislexic , body had /has abnormailtys not born normal as a female should .
could not talk to any one of my difference for fear of being thrown in to a nut house Psych unit had I even made a hint I was female at work I would have been done over and beaten ,and thrown off the work places sacked .

personality almost completely shut down did not express myself mind was shut down as well, and I was abused again because of that, who was I a robot in many ways = yes sir no sir 3 bags full sir.

One very shy backward person a nobody in most aspects of life, , being abused I will say compounded my inability to function normaly treated as dumb, and not worth spending time with ,

So that really would not help me in growing up because I became more of a don't wont to be around people cant communicate with them , cant explain my issues so to learn how to be normal .

I knew what I was / am no doubts there just at age 10 you keep dead quiet fear of abuse and prospect of the nut house, so you are right carry on , well get through life best you can ,

Something changed in my whole being my body was starting to go through changes and I knew why,

just like a young woman does just my body took longer and I know why had it happened in the 50,s or 60,s I doubt I,d be alive now, so why was I shut down the change in growing up was delayed and had to be ,

Later more body changes and even up till 23 weeks ago. Did I dream all this did I ...wont all this ,

I,m going to say ...NO WAY EVER .... did I wont any of this , yet it did and has happened , I,m not perfect my bodys not I,m of a very sound mind and no way do I make things up or live in a fantasy world of make belive , just the facts and detail has to be so right.

yes a very strange way for a female to have gone through what I have , never mind.

I have become a very strong minded woman who is respected who has many lovely friends who will back me up and some real hard case guys who will as well,

I,m accepted as a normal female , look I,m not pretty or sexy and many of us are not yet is that all its about ...NO... its about who you are as a person for get the clothes its who you are inside that make.s you you this is what people see ,

Go to people and say, this is who I am this is how I,m going to be seen in what ever you wear, bring people into your life, be part of the communitys this is what I have done I,m so involved with well over 2000 people they see Noeleena,,,, that's it.

To get to this place in life I have grown into a woman note word ...GROW...I did not just become a woman I ...HAD... to grow to become one, granted I,m a female with issues and they detracted from me in being a normal female and that made things and details worse for me over all .

I became strong and knew I had to strong minded even pig headed and stubbon and got what I ...NEEDED....and yet I did not have to fight for it I asked and was given , I belive people saw in who I am was what gave them the you are real this is not a game so they went out of their way to help as I needed help from them. and people were where I needed them to be in my life, and has been so wonderfull over the last 30 years in my growing as a person and as a female plus my body changes happening at the same time.

Concerning meds for get them most of my detail happened long before I even went on some meds and that's for keeping my body healthy ,

Maybe this wont work for many people so this is with in my makeup as an intersexed female my body adjusted and used my own hormones to effect changes I needed, though it goes far deeper than just that my body makeup is able to change in many different aspects and over time just does not all happen at once,

So don't expect detail as I,v brought up as being able to work for you .

You will need help some quidence maybe some surgerys I cant say what, that's for you to decide ,
What I will say is decide where and how you need to go , so just think as I did I,m going on a long Holiday and going to enjoy the ride the sights and smell those so lovely sented flowers along the way and don't get distracted by other people , they,ll help as you need them too as they have for myself, please don't blame others for a lack of acceptance its not about them its about who you are, its who you can be look at people in a different light of ....OH....WOW....they are going to walk with me, they can come with me on my Hoilday and enjoy what I,m going.........to go through.

I met so many people over the last 25 years not including Jos and our / My friends going back 59 years . I went with an expection of I,m not going alone and I smelt those flowers along the way.

Come with me and meet our people here in Kiwi land and more so Waimate with out those people I would not be doing what I am now so much has changed with in myself these people who are so often called society the name less ones are those I know and meet are my friends, wether here in Waimate or other places I go and vist they make my life fun interesting and lovely.

If I can get through all the bullshit I,v been through then think again what you can do , and live a life with those around you.

...noeleena...

Noleena

Hum...I am growing...we have always existed all through history...and we are just people as much as anybody else is. I wish everyone in society could come to that realization and live and let live. Why can't we all just get along.

Yesterday the hospice nurse dropped off a couple scripts for my wife, I do not think she had ever seen my outward appearance made up to match my inner gender (F). I did as I was holding our barking tail wagging dog by the collar so she would not run out the door notice her recognition of my outward appearance but she was every bit as nonchalant as usual and carried on as always said her good by and left.

I don't know what's right for me...Clothing, forms, lingerie, make up, jewelry, shoes...with an internal female gender I am interested in such and enjoy immersing myself in things which which match how I feel inside and also help me feel I am immersed with and closer to other women. I am different from men yet I am male and can seamlessly flow into society because gender is easily hidden inside and no one notices.

I believe feminine gender is just an easier softer step or two back from how those with a masculine gender are who are a little rougher, a little stronger, a little more decisive and insistent and even abrasive in their manner at times I do not like full on aggression....

I believe I understand you. This is all about who I am inside, and not how I dress myself although I may love and prefer the softer prettier and more beautiful and feminine in my outward appearance this is really all about the softer, prettier and more beautiful and feminine in my inner being that is.

So in life we are carried along and as we go we grow and we learn and change and become more and better.... I am on a journey...our journey is unique and we all must find what works best for each of us along the way.

I do believe being even more open is where I am moving over time. Don't know if that openness will include the outward expression of my inner gender in public but my gender apparent or not has always been there and will always be.

What I was saying earlier is I am who I am all the time...whatever I am wearing...really...of course I like a softer look sometimes...It's just a new perspective. So even in guy clothes...it's something I had never thought of before. So...is gender fluid...or is my desire for a softer look? I Imagine there are lots of guys with a gender that is a step or two off from masculine...hum...maybe it's kinda dumb...but if we're Transgender we're Transgender all the time...apart from how we are dressed...we just are! So what's the big deal with dressing or not dressing...I will enjoy it as always and always will It's simple but profound.

Hi.

You know I can be rough as when I need to as to clothes I,m not that bothered what I wear,

in your answer to softer wether that is in female wear or just how you perceive your self as youd like to be , going back to age 10 on I did not like clothes and there was no difference between boys or girls .

I wore what Mom gave me so end of, hated clothes really, had I been given our Tartan Kilt and a blouse I would have been set. and that's a mans clothes yet is for women as well . no difference .

I liked a lot doing male work and I saw little difference or I could be as soft as and Jos allways said even though my hands and a little larger than her,s she said I could do things she could not its all in the touch.

I think I struggle with ( try and get this right.) oh dear ....okay if you like ....men wonting to be women ,because we are softer can wear sexy clothes look pretty and feel lovely and be cared for and have a relastionship with a gay, marrage and what that brings ya ya sexual relastionship yes I know that. and for myself would be nice to find a guy to be with me,

Yet with all that I still like being incharge of detail and have responcibility and have others work for myself and that's not just a male detail I walk the middle line and then weave left and right, and do so much more with out restrants I worked in the mans world for many years and yet dare I say I love being a female who has this maleness about her in so many aspects. and to be quite hoinist about it all, I,m priviledged to be able to have been born how I was, ,

With out the bullshit I had to get through I know my life would have been so much better still with out that , I may not have done so well as I am now, hardships in life yes I was trained in that .

Look and this effects me , being open about what I went through and detail that happened and directed at myself , I know I,m a strong woman yet I could not talk about it let alone write about it, that was a closed shop just no way,

now, I can , being open also opens you up as you go through the process , does it make you vulnerable , oh for sure and yet through that you become a stronger person in who you are in allowing others to see the ...REAL....you, and not hide behind a façade that some do. and when it all falls down they are so devastated they crash , and then the prosess of getting their life back,

Go with what works for you,

...noeleena...

I know I am guilty of overthinking...I love to think see things from different perspectives, turn them over, move ideas around...I know I am in good company...people like Einstein did this...Physicists do this...scientists and many others in different fields.

Seems there is a limit because much as I have tried to figure myself out over the past 60 years...I am doing it as a lay person with only modest exposure in school to science...I still have my RN Licence...earned up through my Masters Degree...and worked at it for a little over 20 years. But I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I have not had any tests run on me.... it is all speculation.

All I know is like this morning I ordered some more lady's shorts off the net this morning and sit here with my longish hair styled, ear rings, lipstick, sandals etc...4.5" Khaki shorts and a lady's brown T Shirt, jewelry, Lingerie, forms...toes a shiny mauve been that way for over a month maybe two?

I like Caitlyn Jenner and many others who fall under this gender thing, we are heterosexual, many of us male some will go on for the cosmetic surgery which will make their body resemble a woman's, hormones, etc...but even Caitlyn Jenner states she is a different kind of woman, no we are not and never will be genetic women. It is just on the inside best I can determine something with my gender is different from that of other men. It is confusing because life has a way of radically effecting us from day to day...stress from things we face in our own lives can really alter how we feel emotionally so much so that sometimes I do not want anything to do with anything feminine and some days while I am not down or stressed...I am still in the male, feel more male...at other times it is the opposite, I am bearing some heavy things in my life and I am feeling them but here I am in the feminine this morning. What can I say then based on experience if gender is divorced and separate from stress and emotion...it seems to move so if it moves the description of those who label this as being "gender fluid" seems very accurate...

I think realizing whatever is going on with my gender...and no matter how I am dressed my gender is what it is all the time. Gender is the only thing which makes me different from other males who are heterosexual otherwise I would be cis gendered as a male...I recognize whatever anyone wants to call it I will claim that I am gender fluid because we have to call it something.

It does not matter what I happen to wear or feel like...I am "gender fluid"

I will take your advice and make to effort to avoid running and hiding from certain people....that is the sticking point because If I greet my conservative religious sister who I love when she comes as Anne...I may never see her again.
Others may gossip about me...my son's will be nervous though they tell me it is alright...and One son would definitely not want me to be Anne if his young children are with him or his wife but I cannot cut myself off by insisting...only one person in my wifes' family know but after she is gone...my son's are grown, nephews and wives on my side of the family do not know...never see them does it matter then? Little to me...one sister knows but does not wish to know more.

To the extent that I can the best that I can do is to be Anne around adults and strangers but I will still reserve my desire to hide so as to keep people I really care about in my life. Once my older sister is gone..she is 73? And once my wife is gone then no one in the In-Law status knowing would matter to me anymore somehow so if they reject me at that point it would no longer matter, were any to accept it it would be astoundingly wonderful and a real high but I will not hold my breath. And I believe at that time I very well could come out on FB.

Hi.

Yes I,m very aware concerning familys and its not an easy detail to have to work through,

We have 20 members in our family = Jos and I our 3 grownups and 12 grand kids , out side of that 3 other familys of 18 I know about that includes some of Jos,s sisters and brother.

And most know about myself and took some time for many to understand and had met me years ago. no in your face and walk away .

Each set of familes react in different ways because they are blood members so makes a very different way in how your seen. and more so when your different and been accepted in a way that nothing was different, time is the most importaint detail so I allowed lots of that to get to know who I am this is what people need .

I know in my case this was going to be in do others wont to accept difference can they accept ,
I can say my friends going back 59 years never missed a beat family most yes there was the oh dear how do we live with this what helped most being up front honist and living as normal , and this has been great for us as family ,

Going to people on their turf works well letting them know whats going on,

I will say and this is an issue family members being told a lot of lies from people who really know nothing not one little dot yet have to much say on matters they don't wont to know about and this is and has been the root wrong of so much info that's a myth ,and I got that from a number of people who should know better no they were feed lies from beginning to end and I know they wont change for fear of being seen as false teachers and that's the driving force behind them even though the facts are there in front of them blind leading the blind how sad,

I know you,ll lose a few , so don't push it and just allow time for them to come around well atleast have that expection any way.

Slowly goes the train even stoping along the way many times , hey you may even pick up a few along the way to go with you.....now that will be so neat .

...noeleena...

Yes, A lot of it has to do with conservative christian faith and the american interpretation of it is set in stone including ideas that Christ would heartily endorse conservative flag waving values, hating gays and others in the LGBTQ community. Yes, Jesus would have been against anyone who does not go to the barber once a week, would have stood with the military...typical view that Sodom and Gamorrah and any male putting on women's attire gay or not... This backdrop of religion over much of our country has heavily influenced our entire society which leads to people not wanting to know anything about it and so opposed and fearful that they become violently angry and perpetuate this entire attitude. So there are many in our country who will never recognize the facts because they have their own, their own truth too, a truth that denies hard facts that are contrary to their faith which they will die in... bad enough now but we are taking in Muslims...if we think Christians are horrible at least they don't kill you, well most of the time. I don't like the idea of being bound and thrown off a multistory building. Yes religion of peace...they must have a different definition of the term.

I believe I am comfortable I have come a long way from a deep dark closet in which I was the only one who knew and only had whatever items of female clothing I could sneak from a box in the garage to try on with no internet. Only in complete solitude with adrenaline pumping, heart pumping, trembling so fearful I would be caught... Living hoping I could be left alone in the house again soon even if for an hour.

I have a very full and complete wardrobe make up toiletries, jewelry, shoes, lingerie all picked to my liking and all of which fits me.

Yeah, I have come a long way. I have shared myself with quite a few people and no one has rejected me, most are very accepting. I have been out not much but I have and will again. I am making progress, once my wife passes I hope to find a woman who simply loves me no matter what I am wearing. I hope together we can travel and be more out and about with friends and going places. My gender simply is what it is and flows back and forth so does my appearance but that is who I am. The challenge for myself is to feel as comfortable when I am feminine as I do when I am masculine and being out and as comfortable and open and public when I am feminine as when I am masculine. I am making progress. I am going to have my ears pierced once my wife is gone as her mother will not be here every other week...she is a conservative religious rigid type.

Ok, maybe its me but how is Bruce Jenner the "big media hero" ?
There's been countless transgender people in the public eye for decades who have "come out" when it wasn't anywhere near as accepted as it is today and everyone is acting like she's the first one who's ever done it.
They hail him for his bravery which I don't discount but c'mon, public acceptance of transgender people today is almost commonplace.
I know it's still a big thing to come out, but where was the media in the 60's, 70's and 80's when being transgender was still the equivalent of being Frankenstein in the eye of Joe public.
They should be writing their stories about the pioneers like Divine and Rupaul.
When they stepped into the public eye it was a whole lot more risky. it was really not an easy thing to do.
Not to mention all the girls who had to do it without today's advanced surgical enhancements and hormone therapy.
I support Jenner 100% and I don't discount her bravery but she's just doing what millions of people have been doing for generation after generation.
What am I missing?

Sorry you are so torn up.Seems to me your still trying to find yourself! and i know how that goes.Once i found out what i really wanted, it was and continues to be easy.Just follow your heart! it knows you best.