Moi.... wierd... nah

[Rebecca]

Hi folks,

I thought I'd write this to let everyone know a little bit more about me.

Here goes...

I have been called wierd or strange by many many people throughout my life, in fact, the only person I can think of who hasn't said this is my daughter. Nowadays it's often said with affection, but I still get these comments. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently (as always) and been mapping out my past.

When I was a child, I had an eagerness about me, and I suppose was reasonably intelligent, though my confidence never flourished. I was picked on, and began to see things from alternate angles. In fact eventually there were so many ways of seeing things I couldn't claim anything was right or wrong, I had my own set of morals and followed them religiously.

Over the years, I was put down from many different people, my confidence never grew. I stuck to what I believed in, and felt bad when I didn't live up to my own beliefs.

I have been ridiculed, laughed at, told I'm different, that I don't fit in, been asked why can't I wear the same as everyone else, be like everyone else, stop having different opinions, stop saying my opinions etc.
It has gone on for so long that little bit by little bit I got worn down. I could never change my beliefs, (though some did develop) because that would be unfair to other people. (generally I believe in peace and love... that sort of thing)

Finally, I learnt to shut up, keep quiet, don't rock the boat. I was that depressed I didn't have the strength anymore.
A lot of people like me these days, but it's only a small part of me that they know. There is so much inside screaming to be heard.

And.... then I find this forum, intelligent people not knocking each other, accepting differences, showing compassion, awareness, listening.
I'm over the moon, I can't wait to be part of it, to belong.

Now I realize how stunted, crippled I have become. My thoughts that used to roam free are now fighting against the wall in my head. Words are hard to find, sometimes I want to reply to a thread and my confidence wavers. I get confused, muddled up, and eventually frustrated at myself.

I know I am slowly making progress, I couldn't have posted this a few weeks ago, so there will come a time when I see the light.

I was wondering, has anyone been in a similar situation, or got any thoughts on this. Sometimes, trying to free myself once more is like trying to get a winkle from it's shell with your thumb... in a boxing glove

Love to all
Thankyou for listening
Rebecca xxx

Life isn't black and white, it's the shades inbetween that give it it's colour

[Jaye]

My morality and belief system are probably a little cock-eyed from the norm, and I glory in it. Educating people about differences has become a part of my daily routine. People around me tell me all the time that, "You're weird," or "You're crazy", and I tell them, "As long as you remember that, we'll get on fine." The people who really matter to me, my friends, tell me all the time that I'm a special person. It's taken a lifetime to hear that, but it's really worth it.

[Lorna]

Hi Rebecca,

Congratulations on finally taking the steps to embrace your uniqueness!

I have always been in the same boat as you have - I was always referred to as "weird" or "different from everyone else", picked on and cast aside.

I never fit into the traditional mold of what was expected of a young black male growing up in the 70s and 80s. I was small for my age, I was lousy at sports, my music of preference was heavy metal over rap, my clothing of choice in high school was Def Leppard & Depeche Mode T shirts and ripped jeans, I neither spoke nor understood ebonics and I was primarily attracted to girls outside of my race. I was called names like "Oreo" or "Carlton Banks". I was laughed at by the white kids and took plenty of beatings from the other black kids. According to everyone I was a freak. And yes, this was LONG before CDing ever became an issue.

Needless to say that by my mid twenties when my CDing finally surfaced and I went public (it was triggered by a broken engagement) I was tired of being ashamed of being different. I completely LOST the desire to "fit in" to any "molds" created by society. I started going to gothic clubs where the men dress androgynously, which also fed my desire to fully CD in public. A year later Lorna was born, and I haven't looked back. I have NO regrets whatsoever. I had long since grown tired of feeling ashamed to just be myself.

Choosing to live life on your own terms is one of the best gifts that you can bestow upon yourself. It is a true sign of self acceptance.

Congratulations to you!!

[CJ]

Hi all,

Rebecca,

Yep. Weird. Oddball. Bizarre. Unique. Different. Singing to music only I can hear. Eccentric. I've been "accused" of all of these (as have, probably, most of our sisters here). It took me a lifetime to understand that this was a strength, not a flaw. Also, my "differentness" has made it easier for me to recognize and welcome such traits in others now.

About your confidence in becoming a public person, here, on the forum, don't sweat it, girl. I think many of us have been there, too. When I first found this place last fall, I'd only participated fitfully and shyly in one other group before. It took me a while to build up steam and to be comfortable with exposing my thoughts (however well- or ill-formed) to others on the internet. This truly is relationship-building in the best sense of the term. You're making new friends, learning both about others as well as about yourself in the process; there are always some difficult things about this at first (anxiety related to self-disclosure, negotiation of personal limits, fear of being misinterpreted, etc., etc.). Stick with who you are and you'll be more than fine.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Rebecca,

Finally, I learnt to shut up, keep quiet, don't rock the boat, is but yet another way of saying "Society I will please you". You will be my master, and I will be your slave, and stay in this prison, that you would like to keep me in, because no matter how hard I try I can not change the fact that I am different.

to freedom.

[Ahzz]

Ditto. Same here. Not just member, president.

These posts all sound very familiar.

me, what's the point in trying to please everyone else? It's yourself that you have to live with 24x7. Not others (least, till you are married, then it's like 22x7 ) And if you get hitched, it'd better be with someone that you can stand 24x7.

Anyways, gotta run! back to the house I go so don't be surprised if you don't hear much from Jassmine or myself for the next few days!

[Hayley]

Rebecca,

Welcome to your freedom. And welcome to the special Sisterhood we have here, where our voices can be heard without detrimental reply. Where ones feelings are felt by others, through our combined, yet unique experiences.

I'm glad to have found this forum when I did, so I know your joy at breaking the bonds of societal conformity and imprisoned personality. Here you are with family.

Again welcome to your freedom.

[Rebecca]

Hello everyone,

I would like to thank every one of you for your replies, there is a lot of wisdom there. Slowly by slowly, I am learning, without having to fight for freedom like in my younger days. Those early feelings that had dried up, that I felt were the real me are creeping back.

This morning I listened to the soundtrack of 'The five pennies' from 1959. I remember seeing the film back in the late 60s. The story basically tells of a musician on the road, his young daughter gets a little neglected and ends up with polio. It has a happy ending of course.
I remember when I was young being in tears about the little girl, this morning brought it all back. I thought of my daughter and how she is struggling through life, and how that sweet innocent child of years ago would never have dreamed of what lay ahead. Then I thought of myself and my emotions when I was young, how life seemed so simple and the journey Iv'e been through. I listened to the musicians on the record and my dad came to mind, that as a kid he had dreams before life got the better of him. Without realizing, I saw the pattern, saw how it flowed into me, my mind wouldn't have allowed me to until recently. I felt the tears well up, like they would have all those years ago, and I felt dizzy with emotion.
My dad used to say that singing the blues isn't about feeling down, it's about that feeling when the first ray of light breaks through the clouds and your heart moves.
Thankyou to you all once again and all the special people here on this forum

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

[Ahzz]

How true about blues and why I like that genra of music. It's also a lot like us, totally misunderstood by the masses.

[Jassmine(SO)]

I happilly join the ranks ##oo## I too, was ridiculed and picked on throughout my childhood. I didn't let it phase me. I pretty much always knew I was different and I liked it! Still do Everyone is unique in their own way. Wether or not they chose to acknowledge their uniquness and embrace it is another ballgame. My dad gave me some wonderful advice: "Be yourself. People will either like you or hate you, but if they hate you it's their loss".

I feel that it is our differences that make the world a much more interesting place.

VIVE LA DIFFEERNCE!!

*Hugs*

[Kersten Lee]

Rebecca, Love back to you from me. I too have been through the same life as you and the other great girls that posted replies. Life is just so wonderful when we have friends, where we can be ourselves. All of you are the family and friends I never knew.

Kisses to all, (It's how I feel and it is great to say it),
Kersten

[Rebecca]

HI,

I'm drunk, it's 3,am, ~D~'s asleep, Iv'e been out all night, there was a lot of crudeness tonight (by my standards) I read these posts and now I'm in tears

Thankyou
Love toyou all, goodnight, sleep tight
Rebecca xxx

[Rebecca]

Hi girls,

Iv'e sobered up a little now. By our time it's half 8 in the morning. When I was out on the town last night (in my drabbies) I noticed so many people with an angle on something or other. Mostly about going behind their spouses backs. Iv'e always seen it, but it affected me more than usual. I know for my part, I sung to the music, jigged about a bit and in my drunken state had the urge (not acted upon) to tell folks about Rebecca. At one point I struggled to correct a person's view of me, they were addamant about something and nothing I could say would enter their head. My sensitivity is on the increase and that is something I wouldn't change for the world. I came home feeling rather uncomfortable with myself. ~D~ went to sleep pretty quickly and I felt a little lost. I sat by the computer and saw the posts by you wonderful people and all my pent up emotion came flooding out. The blues, I suppose. There it was, the lesson I should have taken out with me.

Another day... another page of learnng

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

[Aislin]

Rebecca,

I read the thread and found my story as well.

Thankyou.

I did not do well at sports in high school but picked up some skills I have used over the years. My relgious upbringing could not answer any questions, so I learned a lot of others and use what fits.

My change happened about 11 years ago. I quit drinking and took a long look back.

I learned that the golden rule is number one.

I accepted me!

I learned that if you cannot deal with me as me your loss.

Thanks again for starting this thread. I see great wisdom just waiting for you to find the means. Relax and let it flow. Enjoy it when it happens.

With LOVE to all my sisters and brothers.

Aislin

[Rebecca]

Hi Aislin,

Thankyou, you move me.

And that is priceless, just like you

Love
Rebecca xxx