Hi girls,
I was at my brothers house a day ago. The brother who said he would support me, no matter what I decided. I asked him what his comfort level was going to be, because I was there with nail polish on my fingers and toes, and very feminine looking earrings. He said that the nail polish and earrings were really no big deal. However he did say that that was going to be his limit. He said that he always wanted to only know me as his brother, not as a girl. That he had always looked up to me as a role model, and seeing me dressed would ruin that for him.
I was going to explain to him that I was still being his role model and that he should open his mind, but I decided to let him figure it out for himself. All the sudden I felt very disconnected from him again. He does not understand that I must do this. When he told me to talk to my therapist, work out my issues, and if I still wanted to wear dresses it was ok with him, I thought he meant that he would totally accept this about me. What he actually meant was that he would not disavow me. I think? In reality what it means is that we will be seeing a lot less of each other in the future.
I really don't understand what bounderies I should allow. If I really am going to cast the guilt off and say that I can not, and do not desire to change who I am for anyone. That this is who I am, but at the same time change who I am for acceptance. How can I get the rest of the world to beleive that I am not a freak if I continue to act ashamed of who and what I am, to appease others. This is very confusing to me. I know many of you have deals with SO or children or parents and other relatives and friends. I don't know how to make a deal when I feel like any compromise is admitting I am defective and need to be kept a secret.
I really could use some input on this. I just can not seem to put this together. Thanks in advance.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Does support mean "acceptance?
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Elizabeth
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Rebecca
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Hi Elizabeth,
I know exactly what you mean about compromise leading to feeling defective. It is a hard one to come to terms with.
When ~D~ first found out about Rebecca all those moons ago, she embraced the situation completely. After a couple of months, she began to have second thoughts which took years to sort out. I think partly this was due to panic, lack of knowledge, etc. A belated rejection.
I wonder if your brother started with all good intentions, but hasn't learnt how to cope with the situation.
Would it be possible to sit at a computer with him with a view to him gaining some knowledge. If you make him feel important he might well respond positively. He is probably confused.
From your other posts, it sounds as though your brother is important to you, it would be a shame to lose that.
Love
Rebecca xxx
I know exactly what you mean about compromise leading to feeling defective. It is a hard one to come to terms with.
When ~D~ first found out about Rebecca all those moons ago, she embraced the situation completely. After a couple of months, she began to have second thoughts which took years to sort out. I think partly this was due to panic, lack of knowledge, etc. A belated rejection.
I wonder if your brother started with all good intentions, but hasn't learnt how to cope with the situation.
Would it be possible to sit at a computer with him with a view to him gaining some knowledge. If you make him feel important he might well respond positively. He is probably confused.
From your other posts, it sounds as though your brother is important to you, it would be a shame to lose that.
Love
Rebecca xxx
Be good, Be safe, Be happy.
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CJ
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Hi all,
Elizabeth,
Isn't there some way you could meet your brother halfway without being made to feel you are "defective"? Compromise will be an issue in any relationship, I think... whether it be one with family, friends, colleagues, or SOs. Our willingness (and ability) to respect the limits of others goes a long way toward encouraging them to accept and support us rather than merely tolerate us.
I understand this feeling you're talking about, the sense of our being "flawed." I had an interesting exchange with Jassmine a couple of days ago. We were discussing what it is that makes some relationships work and others not. What we gleaned from that conversation is this: that, if we're forced to compromise on "foundational" aspects of our personality, on core aspects of ourselves we could never do without, the relationship will be skewed, stressful, and unhealthy... and we'll be made to feel "defective." If, on the other hand, our core personality is welcomed for what it is--however else we may need to compromise and work with the limits others impose on us--the relationship will be solid and strong (or can be, at any rate).
While this may be all well and good, it remains that we rarely have the opportunity to choose to be in a relationship with a family member (not at first, anyway) in the same way we do with a friend or a life partner. This is where it gets tricky, I think. We often suppose that family will always stand by us, no matter what--a mother's unconditional love or a brother's protectiveness toward us, for example. It's a mistaken supposition, though... "Home is where, when you go there, they have to take you in." I don't know who said that but I think it's a "truth" that lives only in the mind of a poet, not necessarily in reality. Our family members are as human (with all the frailties and strengths that implies) as we are. Blood may be thicker than water, but some things are thicker than both. Our desire to be happy, for instance. Often, that very desire, that foundational need, will lead us to sacrifice our relationships with family members and never (or rarely) look back.
The question, for me, is always this: How do I make someone emotionally close to me see that this is a foundational aspect of who I am--the starving of which leads to illness and the feeding of which leads to health--without having these people automatically assume that I'm just being selfish? Too many people I know, family members included, think that my dressing up as Christina is a matter of whim and fancy. In other words, they look upon this side of me as a "non-foundational" aspect of who I am. How mistaken they are. It's up to me to make them see that. (My strategy is to compare it to their sexual orientation--how easy would they find it to have other people think their sexual orientation incidental, inconsequential, superficial, faddish, or a matter over which they have some control?)
Some time ago, I spent a year living in a big old house with my little brother (who's always looked up to me also). When I started becoming more comfortable with my "freedom to femme," I began dressing more often. One day, my brother nonchalantly asked me if I was going to be dressed like that all day (we both worked out of our home, at the time). I immediately noticed how uneasy he was with the whole thing. We spoke a bit, and I agreed not to do it when he was there. He was always there. I never dressed again in his presence.
This was about six years ago. Two months ago, during one of our many phone conversations (he lives on the other side of the country), the subject of Christina came up (I'd e-mailed him recent pix). He confessed that he'd always felt like a heel, following that little "roommate chat" we had six years ago. I was his brother; he admired me; he respected me; he loved me--as I am. He says it took my absence from his life to realize that. Now, it's a bit of a matter of pride to him that his big brother is also sometimes his big sister (apparently, his friends also think that's a cool fact--maybe that's a "West Coast" thing, I don't know).
Anyway, Elizabeth, all this just to say, in answer to your question, that those who do accept you for who you are will give you unconditional support whereas the support of those who merely tolerate you will always be conditional. It's up to you to figure out if this is something you think you can live with, without bending yourself all out of shape or being forced to think of yourself as "defective." Good luck, girl!
Love,
CJ
Elizabeth,
Isn't there some way you could meet your brother halfway without being made to feel you are "defective"? Compromise will be an issue in any relationship, I think... whether it be one with family, friends, colleagues, or SOs. Our willingness (and ability) to respect the limits of others goes a long way toward encouraging them to accept and support us rather than merely tolerate us.
I understand this feeling you're talking about, the sense of our being "flawed." I had an interesting exchange with Jassmine a couple of days ago. We were discussing what it is that makes some relationships work and others not. What we gleaned from that conversation is this: that, if we're forced to compromise on "foundational" aspects of our personality, on core aspects of ourselves we could never do without, the relationship will be skewed, stressful, and unhealthy... and we'll be made to feel "defective." If, on the other hand, our core personality is welcomed for what it is--however else we may need to compromise and work with the limits others impose on us--the relationship will be solid and strong (or can be, at any rate).
While this may be all well and good, it remains that we rarely have the opportunity to choose to be in a relationship with a family member (not at first, anyway) in the same way we do with a friend or a life partner. This is where it gets tricky, I think. We often suppose that family will always stand by us, no matter what--a mother's unconditional love or a brother's protectiveness toward us, for example. It's a mistaken supposition, though... "Home is where, when you go there, they have to take you in." I don't know who said that but I think it's a "truth" that lives only in the mind of a poet, not necessarily in reality. Our family members are as human (with all the frailties and strengths that implies) as we are. Blood may be thicker than water, but some things are thicker than both. Our desire to be happy, for instance. Often, that very desire, that foundational need, will lead us to sacrifice our relationships with family members and never (or rarely) look back.
The question, for me, is always this: How do I make someone emotionally close to me see that this is a foundational aspect of who I am--the starving of which leads to illness and the feeding of which leads to health--without having these people automatically assume that I'm just being selfish? Too many people I know, family members included, think that my dressing up as Christina is a matter of whim and fancy. In other words, they look upon this side of me as a "non-foundational" aspect of who I am. How mistaken they are. It's up to me to make them see that. (My strategy is to compare it to their sexual orientation--how easy would they find it to have other people think their sexual orientation incidental, inconsequential, superficial, faddish, or a matter over which they have some control?)
Some time ago, I spent a year living in a big old house with my little brother (who's always looked up to me also). When I started becoming more comfortable with my "freedom to femme," I began dressing more often. One day, my brother nonchalantly asked me if I was going to be dressed like that all day (we both worked out of our home, at the time). I immediately noticed how uneasy he was with the whole thing. We spoke a bit, and I agreed not to do it when he was there. He was always there. I never dressed again in his presence.
This was about six years ago. Two months ago, during one of our many phone conversations (he lives on the other side of the country), the subject of Christina came up (I'd e-mailed him recent pix). He confessed that he'd always felt like a heel, following that little "roommate chat" we had six years ago. I was his brother; he admired me; he respected me; he loved me--as I am. He says it took my absence from his life to realize that. Now, it's a bit of a matter of pride to him that his big brother is also sometimes his big sister (apparently, his friends also think that's a cool fact--maybe that's a "West Coast" thing, I don't know).
Anyway, Elizabeth, all this just to say, in answer to your question, that those who do accept you for who you are will give you unconditional support whereas the support of those who merely tolerate you will always be conditional. It's up to you to figure out if this is something you think you can live with, without bending yourself all out of shape or being forced to think of yourself as "defective." Good luck, girl!
Love,
CJ
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Beauty
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Loretta Ann
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Elisabeth,
I don't think anyone can say it better than CJ has done, she has not come to those conclusions with out some very hard work.
Personally It has helped me to see the whole world, each and every one of us as defective to some degree. I have long since given up on the notion that it is possible for it to be any different. Perfection in my view is some thing that is unatainable to us all.
If one accepts that, then we are faced with the question of how are we going to live under these conditions? We will then need to begin making allowences for others imperfections, as well as our own.
I have found that there will always be some who are unable to give us the unconditional love we feel is so important. Also there will always be some people who choose to act in a way that we can not provide that unconditional love for them.
In my opinion unconditional support is another issue, I am able to offer support to people who act in ways that I can not support.
I have needed to find another resource to supply my need to be unconditionaly loved, so that I am not dependent on those who are unable to that. And at this point I will now leave this thought with you.
I don't think anyone can say it better than CJ has done, she has not come to those conclusions with out some very hard work.
Personally It has helped me to see the whole world, each and every one of us as defective to some degree. I have long since given up on the notion that it is possible for it to be any different. Perfection in my view is some thing that is unatainable to us all.
If one accepts that, then we are faced with the question of how are we going to live under these conditions? We will then need to begin making allowences for others imperfections, as well as our own.
I have found that there will always be some who are unable to give us the unconditional love we feel is so important. Also there will always be some people who choose to act in a way that we can not provide that unconditional love for them.
In my opinion unconditional support is another issue, I am able to offer support to people who act in ways that I can not support.
I have needed to find another resource to supply my need to be unconditionaly loved, so that I am not dependent on those who are unable to that. And at this point I will now leave this thought with you.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Thanks girls,
I think you hit on it. Originally he told me that he would learn from me teaching him. Our conversation the other day started with me telling him I noticed that he really had no questions and did not seem to want to discuss it. He thinks the internet is an inherently evil place where only bad things happen, so it is unlikely he will educate himself. It is not up to me to force this on him. I am going to be who I am, and if he can not be a part of my life, I am feeling that is just how it is going to be. I have a lot to offer, and if he does not value that because of how I am dressed, perhaps he really doesn't value it in the way I thought he did.
I guess the reason this is such an issue for me is that I don't know how far this goes yet. I am not sure I will ever go back to 100% boy mode. I just don't feel an need to. I may end up dressed a lot. That is how I feel at the moment. I know being recently decloseted that is not uncommon, and I will prolly get over the "kid in the candy store phase". However, I really don't have a strong desire to "pass" either. I see myself being in some state of crossdressed all the time. I have started thinning my eyebrows little by little so it is not a dramatic change, but I don't see me growing them back thick. I am growing my hair back out and see myself having a feminine hair style from now on. I can also see myself wearing eye makeup all the time, regardless of what I am wearing. And I am almost certain I will never tire of nail polish, or lipstick. I just don't see myself thinking of dropping by my brothers house and going home first to make myself presentable to his standards. I see me just not going, because doing that would make me feel negatively about myself. I am still relatively young at 42 and feel like I already wasted too much time making compromises that diminished me without gaining anything in return for it. I just don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't work, everyone I know, knows about my crossdressing now. My mariage is ending, so I really have no reason not to just dress and do as I please, within reason. I just feel like the next 42 years is for me and anyone who wants to share it with me, not a characature of me, but the real me, even if that means sharing with myself only. I have a personality flaw that causes me catagorize things as being good or bad, no inbetween. It is a black and white world for me. I just don't know how else to think about this.
There are two lines of thinking here. One is that nothing is perfect, the other is that everything is perfect. Mathmatically they work out the same. Meaning that either nothing is a perfect representation of what it is, but rather some variation or that everything is perfectly what it is.
I don't consider myself defective, I consider myself suffering from the human condition and I offer all of you as my proof. I am not defective, I am perfectly what I am. There are a certain percentage of humans who are going to be crossdressers, this in my opinion is not a defect but rather an aspect of the human condition.
Would I be within my rights to tell him I don't like the way he wears his hair and that I really don't want to see him unless he has his hair the way he used to wear it? Because I could only value him as a person so long as he meets my expectations?
Thanks to all of you for your supportive words of wisdom, I think what everyone is saying is that it is not a perfect world and that we have to make choices when perhaps it would be more comfortable, not to. I can make the decisions, but it would be regrettable if my brother was to tell me sometime down the road that he wished he had not put up this needless wall. I am sure it does not seem needless to him, I mean he is still and eletrical forman and works for the same company I used to. I am sure he is not looking forward to the people he works with that know us both, finding out about me. Or his neighbors or his friends.
I guess I am just not sure I want to waste time in anymore relationships where I am not accepted as a human being first. Again, any additional thoughts would be appreciated.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Rebecca,Rebecca wrote:
I wonder if your brother started with all good intentions, but hasn't learnt how to cope with the situation.
I think you hit on it. Originally he told me that he would learn from me teaching him. Our conversation the other day started with me telling him I noticed that he really had no questions and did not seem to want to discuss it. He thinks the internet is an inherently evil place where only bad things happen, so it is unlikely he will educate himself. It is not up to me to force this on him. I am going to be who I am, and if he can not be a part of my life, I am feeling that is just how it is going to be. I have a lot to offer, and if he does not value that because of how I am dressed, perhaps he really doesn't value it in the way I thought he did.
CJ,CJ wrote:
What we gleaned from that conversation is this: that, if we're forced to compromise on "foundational" aspects of our personality, on core aspects of ourselves we could never do without, the relationship will be skewed, stressful, and unhealthy... and we'll be made to feel "defective."
I guess the reason this is such an issue for me is that I don't know how far this goes yet. I am not sure I will ever go back to 100% boy mode. I just don't feel an need to. I may end up dressed a lot. That is how I feel at the moment. I know being recently decloseted that is not uncommon, and I will prolly get over the "kid in the candy store phase". However, I really don't have a strong desire to "pass" either. I see myself being in some state of crossdressed all the time. I have started thinning my eyebrows little by little so it is not a dramatic change, but I don't see me growing them back thick. I am growing my hair back out and see myself having a feminine hair style from now on. I can also see myself wearing eye makeup all the time, regardless of what I am wearing. And I am almost certain I will never tire of nail polish, or lipstick. I just don't see myself thinking of dropping by my brothers house and going home first to make myself presentable to his standards. I see me just not going, because doing that would make me feel negatively about myself. I am still relatively young at 42 and feel like I already wasted too much time making compromises that diminished me without gaining anything in return for it. I just don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't work, everyone I know, knows about my crossdressing now. My mariage is ending, so I really have no reason not to just dress and do as I please, within reason. I just feel like the next 42 years is for me and anyone who wants to share it with me, not a characature of me, but the real me, even if that means sharing with myself only. I have a personality flaw that causes me catagorize things as being good or bad, no inbetween. It is a black and white world for me. I just don't know how else to think about this.
Darlene,Darlene wrote:
Personally It has helped me to see the whole world, each and every one of us as defective to some degree. I have long since given up on the notion that it is possible for it to be any different. Perfection in my view is some thing that is unatainable to us all.
There are two lines of thinking here. One is that nothing is perfect, the other is that everything is perfect. Mathmatically they work out the same. Meaning that either nothing is a perfect representation of what it is, but rather some variation or that everything is perfectly what it is.
I don't consider myself defective, I consider myself suffering from the human condition and I offer all of you as my proof. I am not defective, I am perfectly what I am. There are a certain percentage of humans who are going to be crossdressers, this in my opinion is not a defect but rather an aspect of the human condition.
Would I be within my rights to tell him I don't like the way he wears his hair and that I really don't want to see him unless he has his hair the way he used to wear it? Because I could only value him as a person so long as he meets my expectations?
Thanks to all of you for your supportive words of wisdom, I think what everyone is saying is that it is not a perfect world and that we have to make choices when perhaps it would be more comfortable, not to. I can make the decisions, but it would be regrettable if my brother was to tell me sometime down the road that he wished he had not put up this needless wall. I am sure it does not seem needless to him, I mean he is still and eletrical forman and works for the same company I used to. I am sure he is not looking forward to the people he works with that know us both, finding out about me. Or his neighbors or his friends.
I guess I am just not sure I want to waste time in anymore relationships where I am not accepted as a human being first. Again, any additional thoughts would be appreciated.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Loretta Ann
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Kathy
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Hi Elizabeth,
Since your brother isn't fond of the internet, would he perhaps read a book? Something along the lines of Peggy J. Rudd's Crossdressing With Dignity that is aimed more at family members other than wives or SOs might be helpful here.
Just a thought.
Since your brother isn't fond of the internet, would he perhaps read a book? Something along the lines of Peggy J. Rudd's Crossdressing With Dignity that is aimed more at family members other than wives or SOs might be helpful here.
Just a thought.
Whatever you accomplish in life is a manifestation not so much of what you do, as of what you believe deeply within yourself that you deserve. - Les Brown
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Elizabeth
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Darlene,
Being imperfect is part of what makes me perfectly what I am. I am the perfect representation of Elizabeth. Because there is no other perfection, as you so kindly pointed out on several occasions. A perfect human being will have inherently imperfect qualities, because that is part of what being human is. It would be extroirdinary for someone to have no flaws and still be considered perfect, since no humans seem to possess those qualities. So you could not be perfect by not having flaws, but rather by only having flaws. So I guess the only real question is, why are his flaws disregarded, and mine are not? Why are my flaws given special status? I guess that is what I object to.
Kathy,
That sounds like a great idea, but I never seen, nor heard him speak of reading a book. At least since Jr High School. But nonetheless, I will take that approach, as it sounds like the best one to me so far, and certainly could not hurt.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Being imperfect is part of what makes me perfectly what I am. I am the perfect representation of Elizabeth. Because there is no other perfection, as you so kindly pointed out on several occasions. A perfect human being will have inherently imperfect qualities, because that is part of what being human is. It would be extroirdinary for someone to have no flaws and still be considered perfect, since no humans seem to possess those qualities. So you could not be perfect by not having flaws, but rather by only having flaws. So I guess the only real question is, why are his flaws disregarded, and mine are not? Why are my flaws given special status? I guess that is what I object to.
Kathy,
That sounds like a great idea, but I never seen, nor heard him speak of reading a book. At least since Jr High School. But nonetheless, I will take that approach, as it sounds like the best one to me so far, and certainly could not hurt.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Julie M.
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I think that this is just as confusing to our family as it is to us. Why do we dress? I really have never heard an answer that positively answers that. We have the equivalent of a PhD in crossdressing while they haven't even graduated from kindegarten. And most of what they learned prior to finding out about us is wrong anyway. If we don't understand it how can we expect them to?
If we decide to confess we first have to gain the courage to tell them, then we have to remove all those images in their head that we all hate so much, then we have to educate them about what CDing is. WHEW! No wonder we are hesitant to tell anyone! Add to that the real possibility they might not believe our description seeing it as an excuse we made up so we really doesn't look so bad. It's quite a feat!
My wife of over 22 years just can't get the thought out of her head that I am going to have a sex change someday. She holds onto that and worries herself sick over it. Nothing I can say or do will make her believe that it will never happen. Today she told me I can't predict the future and if I like to dress as a woman it has to mean I want to be a woman. Case closed! How do you deal with the closed mindedness of others?
Elizabeth, your brother is most likely just like the rest of society that needs to hang onto their own logic because anything else just doesn't make sense. He needs to reason this out in his mind or he'll go nuts trying to understand what you are trying to tell him. Crossdressing defies logic.
I have come to realize this is just a part of my personality. I love to play golf but what if playing golf had the kind of stigma CDing does. Then I'd be asked a million questions about why on earth I could ever find pleasure in golfing. I can't explain my love for the game. I just enjoy it. It gives me great pleasure. Just like crossdressing does. But since millions of others love the game of golf no one needs to question me as to why I like the game.
I think if you asked your brother why he loves to do something and when he answers you say "I don't understand" and keep doing that until he sees that we can't explain those things that are deeply ingrained in our personalities. We are all different so we just need to accept that. Being close minded just closes the door to any relationship.
I understand the looking up to you part as my son has said he will never be able to look up to me again. I hope that changes but I can understand the disappointment. I was a macho guy to him before and now all he can see is me in a dress. Society really has a dim view of men doing anything feminine. It's a sin against masculinity. And those who look up to us need big strong men to be their protector and the image of us wearing a dress ruins the the whole image.
We all need to do our best to change this stigma and for now there's a steep price to pay for that. Hopefully that will change in our lifetime.
Julie
If we decide to confess we first have to gain the courage to tell them, then we have to remove all those images in their head that we all hate so much, then we have to educate them about what CDing is. WHEW! No wonder we are hesitant to tell anyone! Add to that the real possibility they might not believe our description seeing it as an excuse we made up so we really doesn't look so bad. It's quite a feat!
My wife of over 22 years just can't get the thought out of her head that I am going to have a sex change someday. She holds onto that and worries herself sick over it. Nothing I can say or do will make her believe that it will never happen. Today she told me I can't predict the future and if I like to dress as a woman it has to mean I want to be a woman. Case closed! How do you deal with the closed mindedness of others?
Elizabeth, your brother is most likely just like the rest of society that needs to hang onto their own logic because anything else just doesn't make sense. He needs to reason this out in his mind or he'll go nuts trying to understand what you are trying to tell him. Crossdressing defies logic.
I have come to realize this is just a part of my personality. I love to play golf but what if playing golf had the kind of stigma CDing does. Then I'd be asked a million questions about why on earth I could ever find pleasure in golfing. I can't explain my love for the game. I just enjoy it. It gives me great pleasure. Just like crossdressing does. But since millions of others love the game of golf no one needs to question me as to why I like the game.
I think if you asked your brother why he loves to do something and when he answers you say "I don't understand" and keep doing that until he sees that we can't explain those things that are deeply ingrained in our personalities. We are all different so we just need to accept that. Being close minded just closes the door to any relationship.
I understand the looking up to you part as my son has said he will never be able to look up to me again. I hope that changes but I can understand the disappointment. I was a macho guy to him before and now all he can see is me in a dress. Society really has a dim view of men doing anything feminine. It's a sin against masculinity. And those who look up to us need big strong men to be their protector and the image of us wearing a dress ruins the the whole image.
We all need to do our best to change this stigma and for now there's a steep price to pay for that. Hopefully that will change in our lifetime.
Julie
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Virginia
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Elizabeth,
Is this group of girls great or what????? CJ, Beauty, Darlene,Kathy, Rebecca, all the girls. All I can add is "small steps, honey, small steps." You have to find a medium that your brother can relate to and peak his interest to find out more about us. Your doing great, Elizabeth. We are all so proud of you!
Love,
Deborah
Is this group of girls great or what????? CJ, Beauty, Darlene,Kathy, Rebecca, all the girls. All I can add is "small steps, honey, small steps." You have to find a medium that your brother can relate to and peak his interest to find out more about us. Your doing great, Elizabeth. We are all so proud of you!
Love,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Virginia
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- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Julie,
I think you "verbilize" what we are all dealing with and it is certainly challenging to try and educate society on what we are. We won't quit trying and girls like you sure help keep the torch held high. Thanks, Hon, for all you do.
Love,
Deborah
I think you "verbilize" what we are all dealing with and it is certainly challenging to try and educate society on what we are. We won't quit trying and girls like you sure help keep the torch held high. Thanks, Hon, for all you do.
Love,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Julie,
That is beautiful insight.
Elisabeth,
I am always amazed to find out how some people come up with the things they do. I understand the word prefect to have the meaning of (A) being entirely without fault or defect: Flawless, and (B) Satisfying all requirements: Accurate.
No wonder I could not understand what you were saying. I am still not quite sure that I do.
What I offered you is some information on how I have dealt with the issue you are now struggling with, If that is not of any help to you I am sorry, I have no other experience from which to offer you any thing that might assist you.
My solution has been to find something else that will satisfy all requirements, but perhaps you can find some other way.
And I wish you all the luck you will need to find your solution.
That is beautiful insight.
Elisabeth,
I am always amazed to find out how some people come up with the things they do. I understand the word prefect to have the meaning of (A) being entirely without fault or defect: Flawless, and (B) Satisfying all requirements: Accurate.
No wonder I could not understand what you were saying. I am still not quite sure that I do.
What I offered you is some information on how I have dealt with the issue you are now struggling with, If that is not of any help to you I am sorry, I have no other experience from which to offer you any thing that might assist you.
My solution has been to find something else that will satisfy all requirements, but perhaps you can find some other way.
And I wish you all the luck you will need to find your solution.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Thanks Darlene,
It is not that it is of no use to me, it is that I don't even know what the bounderies are. I have dealt with my crossdressing as if I were never going to have to confront it. I actually convinced myself that I would get away with it. But in the back of my head, I knew there was some reason many men don't deal with this until thier late thirties or forties. But still I lied to myself.
So? because I remained in the closet only because that is what my wife wanted, and it turned out terrible, I am just not sure I should do that any more. Yes, I am imperfect, but so is everyone else. Where are all these people who are changing what they do because of how I may feel? Why is it that it should be me to worry about how others feel? Why are they not worried about making me uncomfortable?
My whole life I have been used by people. It keeps happening because I would just never do things that people have done to me. So I think it is possible that us crossdressers tend to be selfconcious and worry about how others feel more than how much others worry about how we feel. And again like you said, I am not sure I would have it any other way.
So I am also considering the option of letting others worry about how I feel, instead of the other way around. When I don't show up at my brothers house because I am crossdressed, he will eventually call me and ask me if I am mad. I will tell him "no, I am just following your wishes". I am fairly certain I can be ok with this approach. So I guess what I am asking is, how do I know what is the best thing for "me" to do.
Love always,
Elizabeth
It is not that it is of no use to me, it is that I don't even know what the bounderies are. I have dealt with my crossdressing as if I were never going to have to confront it. I actually convinced myself that I would get away with it. But in the back of my head, I knew there was some reason many men don't deal with this until thier late thirties or forties. But still I lied to myself.
So? because I remained in the closet only because that is what my wife wanted, and it turned out terrible, I am just not sure I should do that any more. Yes, I am imperfect, but so is everyone else. Where are all these people who are changing what they do because of how I may feel? Why is it that it should be me to worry about how others feel? Why are they not worried about making me uncomfortable?
My whole life I have been used by people. It keeps happening because I would just never do things that people have done to me. So I think it is possible that us crossdressers tend to be selfconcious and worry about how others feel more than how much others worry about how we feel. And again like you said, I am not sure I would have it any other way.
So I am also considering the option of letting others worry about how I feel, instead of the other way around. When I don't show up at my brothers house because I am crossdressed, he will eventually call me and ask me if I am mad. I will tell him "no, I am just following your wishes". I am fairly certain I can be ok with this approach. So I guess what I am asking is, how do I know what is the best thing for "me" to do.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Elisabeth,
The way for you to know what the best thing to do - is to do what you feel deep down in your gut you have to do. It dose not need to be the right thing to do, but you have to be true to your self.
If it is not the right thing for you to do, that will be revealed to you, be ready for that. But you have to start from where you are, or you will be unable to move beyond this point.
For what it is worth to you I have learned that if some one does some thing that displeases me, that is my problem. I am not responsible for the flaws or faults of others. There are things that I can do to take care of my own feelings, and be restored to a right spirit with in me.
That is where the power is, the power to not be controlled by what others think of me, or try to do to me.
Although I do not intentionally want to hurt any one, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about hurting peoples feelings, because they to are responsible for their feelings. Those who don't understand this will have a problem with some of the things I say, and do. but that is not my problem.
You asked;
So I guess what I am asking is, how do I know what is the best thing for "me" to do.
The way for you to know what the best thing to do - is to do what you feel deep down in your gut you have to do. It dose not need to be the right thing to do, but you have to be true to your self.
If it is not the right thing for you to do, that will be revealed to you, be ready for that. But you have to start from where you are, or you will be unable to move beyond this point.
For what it is worth to you I have learned that if some one does some thing that displeases me, that is my problem. I am not responsible for the flaws or faults of others. There are things that I can do to take care of my own feelings, and be restored to a right spirit with in me.
That is where the power is, the power to not be controlled by what others think of me, or try to do to me.
Although I do not intentionally want to hurt any one, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about hurting peoples feelings, because they to are responsible for their feelings. Those who don't understand this will have a problem with some of the things I say, and do. but that is not my problem.