Crossdressers-Haven.com

I still have some trepidation...I have picked out what I will wear to church...sandals, cropped slacks and a knit top with my matching purse...yes I will sneak attempt to sneak from a door to my car unnoticed by my neighbor (I have to live with him and he knows the sister I do not want to risk telling because she would not accept it.) Beyond that my mind has been spinning...as if dressing in public is necessary, or why should I dress openly and publicly if it is not necessary...why not continue to suppress to keep society content while denying my rights!? Well, because this is who I am and I have a right to be who I am freely and openly.

Since I became aware of feeling "different" at about age 9, there has not been a time that I have been able to live consistently free of recurring feelings of identification with females and a desire to dress and to appear as they do. I have had periods of time throughout my entire life that vary between having to carry on meeting all expectations of myself as a male knowing I can not ever let anyone know that at other times I have felt an identification with females and desiring to be who I am at those times. Desiring to appear and to be allowed to be who I am. Before the age of about 9 I cannot say if I were similar in any way to females. Of course all that can be stated is that we have a sense of who we are. Personality traits are shared by both sexes. I was born male, dressed, conditioned socialized and expected to be male in every way, of course we are aware there can be shaming if we exhibit any variation from these expectations. We are not to like the color pink, flowers, holding a purse, or have any interest in female clothing or being with and around females, not supposed to like playing with dolls, or anything else identified as being exclusively in the female realm. Never the less I did have interest in and a desire to be able to be as girls are knowing this to be out of the question without severe embarrassment shaming punishment as consequences should I ever act or acknowledge that I have these feelings, interests or desires. For these reasons I was forced to hold all of these to myself and was forced to wait until I was alone so that I could wear whatever was available. As I became an adult I was eventually able to acquire items of clothing and arrange times so that I could dress in private. Eventually in my 40's I was finally 7 years into my marriage able to find the courage to tell my wife and eventually to tell others and to be come more open about who I am inside.



Why with a male body is it necessary to dress in women's clothing and present as a female to others in public? I am not able to escape who I happen to be and I want the freedom to dress as I desire. I have always done so privately but not being able to be who I am openly prevents my being able to freely be who I am. I have been forced to suppress who I am my entire life in public. Clothing conventions are arbitrary, as are the roles we are forced to live and how we are expected to behave. Female clothing is tailored to fit the female body as male clothes are tailored to fit men yet women frequently wear male clothing and are able to live unconventional lives while men are not given this same freedom without consequences for them. I can of course choose to live within societal conventions in manner of dress and expectations but I do believe I should not have to so, that this is against my right to be who I am openly.



Why should I continue to suppress who I am out of consideration for the expectations of those who support arbitrary conventions enforced by our society? To continue to comply to societal conventions is to submit to arbitrary will that denies my right to be who I am. It is not right and any who would seek to confine who I am to be held out of sight because they are offended by who I am personally are wrong. I should no longer feel required to deny my personal freedom to be who I am though many may object and not like it they are not free to prevent my freedom to simply be who I happen to be. Of course I can continue to suppress myself so that others will not have to see me and so that they can continue to be unaware and so that their sensitivities are not offended but it means that I have to continue to live in a kind of torment when I should not have to. Why can't I just be accepted by the many who do not mind or ignored by those who do. I do not ask any who cannot accept me to do so I just ask them to go their way and to leave me in peace because there are many in our society who do not mind. I have always had some value as a person, educated, accomplished and have been an honorable person and citizen what I may look like and who I am does not change any of that.

Back from my run wearing a woman's kit. You know? It has finally occurred to me...when do I stand up for myself here!? If somebody says something...Where is my Trans pride and why should I not be incensed to stand up for my own rights!? Well...how about right NOW!? Exactly!

In the end whatever I do or don't do is entirely up to me, but I should not let anybody shake me out of being who I happen to be. I am no longer required to do anything, If I am comfortable then I have every right to be who I am.

Sadly, I am no longer inclined or hold out much hope of seeking friendships or potential partners among women who will never accept me, suppose that Is why I have not gone back to the Facebook social group I had been participating in...what's the point!?

Anne,

Please don't take this the wrong way but, from what I can see, I think you need to get out more. Almost every topic here on this forum is started by you or you have a very large presence. Get out, enjoy your new found freedom to be your true self and spend less time on the forum.

I am not saying don't participate but, you should find other friends that you can interact with in person.

I hope that didn't come out wrong. I apologize in advance if I offended you, or anyone else, with my response.

Hi...

You know even being a woman brings with it some very harsh details of how you can be or are accepted in …..I don't like using society as that is not where I live or come from, society is a non descript term with out meaning there is nothing that is individual about it, so change that to people I know and interact with.and have over 61 years, and bring it into where you are,

society did not dictate to any one how we were brought up or forced in to roles that was done in many case,s from home and how our Mom,s and dads taught us, or church pastors or school teaching and so on all who did where real people and we and you knew them . and you belived them. and slid along and just folded, to their belive,s .

Change .....

i did not go along with that i showed who i was i female ...ya ya big deal ....not i did not wear female clothes and so what, yet people knew what i was like and knew i was female yet allso know i dressed in boy clothes and so on i went along with it as there was a magor reason why i did, and Mom told me ,
had i said i was different or even said i was female i would have been asigned to the nut house, 1950,s two words bugger them ,

i displayed who i was what i was and lived how i was i did not conform to ....oh your a male and have to conform to the male world i did not ever, yet i enjoyed what i did and what i learned and went for. i knew it would be hard and it was i knew had i said female here and the aftermath so i did not say a thing,

Now my friends more so 6 of did not care or was bothered i was female nor did they care if i had been a boy, they saw myself for who i was . many years later i told them about myself that i was infact a female did that change how they saw me ......NO.....because they knew me .


What i,m saying is i displayed my real personality my real self the who this young lass was and dispite what i wore or was seen in they know my core self was a normal girl.

I quess the major difference for myself was i did not display boy or maleish personalty traits that i see in most boys and men and i did not understand them they were different to me in every way possiable my mind and many aspects of myself have allways been female ,.


Okay many talk about thier male body okay not something i can relate to so dont understand the mental and emotion,s that accure for males i see what guys look like and thats pretty much it.


Now you talk about being conditioned socialized and expected to be male in every way,. okay i dont get that or understand any of that and wether that applys to male or female it never happened it was never inforced, to myself i quess you can say i was reaLLY.... IN THE MIDDLE....

colours Pink is a boys colour it was only changed because of fashion, maybe 60,s on 40,s 50,s it was our colour after that , blue is the colour of the day for us .from 40,s to 50,s fashion oh and who changed it,,,,,,i quess you were condioned very well and belived it, hard for me to understand that .

How different for my Mom in how she brought me up. no restrictions .

Clothing conventions are arbitary.. no they are not and only if you let the fashion dictators say what ever. or the king and queens of the 1400, to 1700,s that had nothing to do with fashion it was so the quenn was not upstaged by the locale,s and what did men wear then .....youd be pleased .or later.


Show your true nature show who you are and be who you are, people are not affended by another who shows they are different , may be you dont wont them to,


Okay ....NAME .... those who you ...THINK.... will be offended by some thing about you that is different in fact point out to them what is different about yourself. do you have the ...GUT,s....to do that, what will you lose nothing,,,,,,,,and all to gain..


If you base all your hopes on clothes being the most importaint aspect of your self in how you present your selfto other,s you,ll fail its not about clothes and how you dress,.


Look deeper inside your self it has to be who you are, not what you look like,

I have proved that over and over again to 10,s of 1000,s of people and more so to over 2000 people who i know and interact with all the time .

Okay this is up to you. would you go on skype and talk with me face book is a good working platform to use and i do with my friend in Tas,e Australia, and other,s most know my name and many 1000s do , so if youd like to then call me up.

noeleena Loch-head,

and friend me or if a fail then could work on another way , if any one else would like to then that would be lovely.

...noeleena...

I hear you Shelby, no...that's ok. I realize that and have returned to the diary section...I am working on the social part and I have been getting out...I am just lonely after losing my wife...and find without anyone I spend far too much here...my apologies.

Hi Noleena...reading...Yes absolutely it is who I am on the inside...the reflection of that is on the outside...people can object and not like it but I have every right to be who I am never the less...and happy to report I am making progress, have a new friend locally and she has me involved in a little LGBT+ Episcopal church and I have been attending, last sunday I went dressed and can from now on...so I am happy to report that I am finally making very real progress. I picked out my outfit based on what I saw other women wearing...then Sunday I got dressed and drove there and had a really nice time before driving back home...think I will wear a skirt and a top next week...Oh there is a party and I will be going to that need to figure out what would be appropriate to wear to that perhaps shorts and a top with sandals...

Hi Anne,

Really cool and nice to hear.

I,ll relate what happened to me some years ago as you know I have been involved with many groups of people and church people is no different Sally Army in this case, so I knew many there , as I had told the CO and his wife I was a female just dressed in guy clothes to save any issues that I would incounter so strangly enough I did go to mens meetings and in a way was good for me to try and get to understand men out side of those I knew, after a short time 3 months I told them .

one day you will see me and you wont know who I am . well as it was we had an service and it had to do with our group in Waimate so some 10 of us came down south to Oamaru 1/2 an hour away, and we had to present our selfs to the other members there some 130, so I arrived and who should pull in as I did to the car park was our CO, and his wife and two kids, I said hi and nope they did not even know me as I was dressed as normal and no different from other women in fact no one knew me ,


in the building they had seats for us Waimate people so of cause I sat with the others and still no one knew me in fact it was and who are you so as our CO came past me I said Hi..he sort of stopped and then went to carry on I said you don't know me do you …..oh ….no...so as I have allways been regarded as the smiling kid I smiled to him and then a moment and he said is that you noel I said yes with a huge grin. and that was it his wife also knew as well ,

what I found strange then was because I had my female clothes on instead of male clothes I was not known and about that time I also joined the womens group and took our granddaughter she was 4 1/2 ,

of cause as every one knows my background pretty much it was not really a change more they knew I was a female just did not know before,

So going back to sometimes it can be harsh being a woman more so if you are different and come with background such as I have, I quess my advantage has been in being so well known over my life and then tell people this is really who I am and have allways been sometimes our own life can be complex and complicated I know this is the case for my self and yet for all that I have been accepted with out the fear that was allways present early on in my life, because of birth factors some thing I knew I would have to face early on in life
.

Did i get every detail right, no of cause not because i did not understand my body i allso did not know how to intereact with people and of cause could not explain why i was different and why my body was different in many ways, and when you can not use words to explain you shut down and keep a very tight mouth and not say any thing and even years later you are garded .


Being able to explain who you are is very powerfull in your whole being and you wake up come alive and explore who you are, to get to that stage in life takes time being very sure of your self and never looking back you go forward and build on how you progress in life and learn, you do come to that place of ....WOW....i can now live my life as was intended,i will never have every thing just so, i know what i have is just so lovely neat and fantastic and i have my friends to enjoy who i am along the way.


...noeleena...

Anne Bonny wrote:I hear you Shelby, no...that's ok. I realize that and have returned to the diary section...I am working on the social part and I have been getting out...I am just lonely after losing my wife...and find without anyone I spend far too much here...my apologies.

Please no need to apologize. Like you, I don't know what I would ever do if I were to lose my wife; I would be totally lost and a complete wreck. It is very easy for me to sit here and tell you to get out, meet new people and enjoy your new found freedom to be Anne but, I really have no right to do that and it is I who should be offering you the apology.

I do hope you find the strength to work through your loss and find joy in life again.

Thank you.

Everyone I counted on in my personal life died as if I were a lone tree left standing in what used to be a forest...so I am immobilized lacking the motivation and desire to do anything so I just sit. There is the blank thousand mile stare my mind is elsewhere. Oct 7 will mark 6 months since her horrible death from Alzheimer's Disease, Dad 07, Grandma 10, Mom 11. Now I waste my own life, yeah isolated in a solitary existence and there is no one to share experiences with any more. What's the point no matter where you go or what you do you are alone. Ever enjoy anything when there's no one...the person you love to share it with? No one to tell, no one to talk to, no one to be with. Life itself has lost it's point, each day a little more is wasted. I have the health and the means but no longer the desire or the heart to carry on. I maintain myself, the finances, the house...I suppose that is what happens when you lose the reason for living on...when you lose your heart.

Periodically it really hits you...I used to enjoy sailing, my boat sits encrusted with barnacles could not even bring myself to take it to the yard. I am in a local Facebook social group but these are people struggling with loss, damaged goods, baggage not all from a death. At our age late 50's early 60's seems no one is looking for a partner yet that is what they want it makes no sense or perhaps it is because I am not attractive? Some are settling into the single life because of the freedom. But I am not able to conceive of enjoying anything without someone there. I suppose I never realized even while I thought I was doing my own thing...that I valued being able to confer for other opinions, advice, or to share highs and lows. I valued a bit of reassurance a touch point of confirmation that even if I went my own way I was aware of the other thoughts on a topic. I valued input and and ideas to go do something from others...Let's go do that! Let's go out! You know you should really.... I no longer have any of that there is no spur...there are no more rides along the beach or plans to get out of town and stay on the beach somewhere... yeah I lost my heart.

I am stymied, dazed, and am not sure I will ever again find anything anymore or the desire it is very hard. Some say it is fear...but it is not fear...It is as if I myself have died as well inside. I maintain...am very healthy and financially in order and have the means but I feel as if death is waiting in the wings in time age is advancing and I will be knocked off the stage of life after sitting here for the next 30 years because I am dead inside, I am here but inside I am completely vacant and empty inside...I am just a shell.

--------------- Well It is alright I took no offense, and you are correct so I have decided to stay in my diary area and respond on the boards and only initiate a post if it truly has potential to interest others.

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Noleena, just noticed your follow on.... I appreciate your experience as you openly began to live and be outwardly who you are. It is the same for myself. I have lived my life having to bottle it all up inside and though I was born with a male body in my brain there has always been another take... I am so awfully hurt having lost everybody I had had around me in my daily life the love and advice and reassurance that was there now lost...But I had to bottle it up because they would never have understood accepted or approved and forget revealing or allowing it to be reflected in my appearance on the outside...that was always sad but I lived closeted because of it but now there is no longer anyone to object and so I am able to allow these differences inside to blossom to slowly roll out and be revealed because there is no longer any need to hide. I am glad of that. I probably am somewhat fluid sometimes I am more male in appearance but anymore not entirely as I groom female, wear feminine underwear, and tend to wear nail polish and to put my earrings in and perhaps a bit of make up and at other times I dress fully into my feminine attire and am now even going out because I have somewhere to go and people who do accept me the little church. There are people I message...

I do believe or hope I will be able to find again motivation and desire and to at least find friends who will come here to be with me...hopefully accepting female friends and we can go out.

Anne you say you have a sailboat and used to enjoy sailing. Have you considered giving sailing lessons? Share your love of sailing with people and maybe find a new group of friends as an added bonus. It may not seem interesting at the moment but, maybe if you take that first step it might be just the thing you need.

Surrounding yourself with people who share an interest might be just the thing you need to bring you out of your funk.

That is a good idea! it has appeal. I am still involved in a local Facebook based social group where people meet and attend various events up and down the coast....and I am now in an LGBT+ Church so...I do believe things are on the upswing and will be alright over time...thanks.