I am fully relaxed and comfortable but is it a true reality?

[Anne Bonny]

Ok...So I am fully ok with who I am. I am actually dressing more now and am very happy with who I am. I have female friends who know all about me and who are quite supportive. But! I do place an absolute limit on myself. For a time I tried to become involved in an LGBTQ open Episcopal Church but I felt very wrong about being an agnostic and literally just using this venue as an opportunity to be out in public. Also because I am not gay...I realized the women present were all with each other and could not be interested in me because I am not a woman even feeling and dressing as one...I got acceptance and friendly support but that was all I would ever receive from those ladies. Having lost my wife I feel very lost ... and of course I do not want to be alone. No the Gay Church was not a good fit for me at all so I gave that up entirely and do not feel badly about it at all...just wasn't right for me... It is not that I have never ever gone out in public I have but not as a matter of practice and certainly not for a long time...even then few and far between.

So...my question is...Being fully alright with who I am...dressing out of preference at home whenever I like and for as long as I prefer...now coming much more and I am perfectly ...well it's a very good thing to simply now just freely be who I am... finally arriving where I should always have been...

Is this really a reality for me if I am not 100% out to the entire world...as in should I go stand on my roof with a megaphone!? then travel everywhere in town and shout it before everyone everywhere everyone that I know and am related to ...to the neighbor...to the mail person, out shopping, visiting friends...so that everyone everywhere can take me or leave me and know and consider me to be who I actually am? Should this all be carried out until I myself can go everywhere as a woman and be taken as and considered to be a woman...until I am absolutely not concerned about it in the least to myself and no matter where I go or who I am before...is it only then that this will be absolutely a 100% reality in my life.

I may have the blinds and the doors flung fully open...I have glass storm doors ...even so I close the blinds on the side my neighbor is on...I do not go out to get the mail or the paper...and should anyone come...I still duck and cover unless it happens to be someone I am fully comfortable with and who knows I am a girl at least partly....

I am fully relaxed, comfortable and happy as I have never ever been ever before but if I place limits is it a true reality?

Is my choice of limiting it to only at home and with a few who are supportive...vs out to everyone everywhere...I suppose it is not a true reality If I can't grab my purse and go out the door to wherever with absolutely no concern at all fully exposed as a woman accepted and considered to be one by everyone...well I am a blend that is neither fully male or female and I appear however I prefer depending on how I feel...it is truly beyond wonderful inside and out and yet I suppose it is a very limited reality because I have chosen to place a severe limit.

I do dream of a fully accepting woman who loving and encouraging me would help me to move fully out into the light of day..I do believe that is a real possibility if I had the encouragement of someone who loves me I believe that I could come out then it would be a reality.

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OK having thought about it I have my own answer...Yes it is a reality. If I choose to keep it to myself that's ok. As the old Chinese proverb goes the nail that sticks out get's hammered. I am free to be completely out but If I choose not to it's alright.