Crossdressers-Haven.com

Thing is that I am transgender. I have suffered with this across my entire life since I became aware I was different at age 9. Well...in the early years all I knew is that I really liked trying on girls clothing, but I did know that I could never let anybody find this out about me. It is after having lived 62 years to date that I have come to realize how we are damaged by the beliefs of most everybody who was around us throughout our lives. In a sense they acted as the person holding the keys to our solitary confinement as we suffered shut off from the rest of society because we knew we could not be who we are inside. This confinement forced on us mentally and in reality resulted in mental suffering and effected our mind. They tried to force us like a square peg to fit the round hole they believed we had to fit into like it or not. I believe they thought that if we were forced in such a way who we are inside would fall into the person they believed we had to be. You are a man...you must fit that in every way and if we have to force you to eventually you will have no choice but to be that and you will find that you are happy to be who we think you should be. The problem is that we are not and never were the person they were trying to force us into being and no solitary confinement or straight jacket or mental brainwashing was ever going to change who we are and always have been inside. If I had ever been able to stop being one way...and be the person society insists that we have to be because of our sex I would have been able to do that. I prayed...and I prayed. I resisted and resisted. I abstained and abstained. I have spoken with psychiatrists and psychologists. I have spent years and years and have written an ocean of pages and pages of mental struggle and angst trying to figure myself out so that I could fit into that round hole society insists is the only one I fit into and to think otherwise means that I am mentally ill. 



Eventually I became tired and realized that I am not the one who is wrong because this is who I am. Mentally they have damaged me by trying to force me to be someone who I am not as they insist that I am not who I am and that I am mentally ill, that I am immoral, that I am sinful and many of them hurl insults in hatred and rejection because who I am makes them feel sick. They are not able to accept that their beliefs about how people are are incorrect. They are not able to accept and to welcome any who are not as they are...they want to eradicate us, they want us to disappear and no longer exist their hatred is so strong against us. Is it any wonder I am after having lived for so long enduring their rejection forcing me to hide to escape their hatred that I am having difficulty as I am struggling to allow myself to be who I am? I am not a bad person. I am not a sinner, if there is a god..god made me as I am! I am not mentally ill. I am not immoral. I am not a sexual pervert. I am not an exhibitionist, and I am not doing this on purpose. I am simply trying to now live and to be who I have actually always been inside. The full weight of their hatred, fear and rejection have stolen nearly an entire lifetime from me. Is it any wonder I am having some very real difficulty simply trying now to allow myself too be who I am inside!? I have to do this in the face of their hatred and rejection of who I am because I do not fit their mold. They fail to understand and do not want to understand that their belief about who people are is wrong! 



It is awful, but I am now on the right road. They may hate me but I have every right to be who I am. I have every right to simply live the same life everyone has a right to and with all the same dreams and expectations. At least in my latter years I have finally realized that the life I should have had has been there waiting for me all along and it is not too late to enter it and to begin to live as I should have always been living it and for the rest of my life. 

It's very sad that there are so many people who feel the way you describe.

I live in New England, not far from The City. It's much more trans friendly here. Although I do not consider myself trans, I have several friends who have gone the whole SRS route. Interestingly perhaps, most of them are FtM.

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I only consider myself to be who I am, and the clothes that I wear to be clothes. I am finally much more content, confident and happier...I still have work to do and I am doing that with a psychiatrist. It is amazing to be where I am finally!