Sex as a Control Issue.

[Danielle La Belle]

I was thinking about being married for 35 years. I looked at various positions that we have taken over the years that might be considered contrary to the best interests of the other partner.

It then struck me that "sex", the act of mating, is a control issue for many. Forget about all of the other emotional ties. Forget about all of the other reasons that you may stay married, the children, the job, etc.

No matter whom initiates the idea at that moment, it should always be the choice of the [female] to accept or reject the activity. That is the difference between "sex" and "rape." To this day, penetration is considered the prime act that his perfomed by one onto another.

The acceptance or rejection by the [female] defines under law, how the act is to be judged.

CONTROL::::::::::::::

Has a mtf CD taken [control] from the [female] spouse by entertaining the concept of also being [female]?

That is, for some have reported to me, that when taking on the role of mtf CD, for some, sexual activity has declined or even been discontinued all together. But if the mtf CD accepts this, does this not change the range of [control] that before was the sole [control] of the [female] spouse.

Without this [device] as a "carrot on a stick," so to speak, can one consider this one action, setting one's self free from a social addiction to habitual activity that up to now was a [control] tool for the female to adjust and tweak at her whim?

Perhaps the SO's feel loss of [control]? In competition with another person acting the role of [female]. Another TABOO subject for inquiry!




Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Rebecca]

Hi Danielle,

Another taboo subject....? What dare I say.

I had a full page written and have decided against posting it ( as I have to consider my partners feelings ) apart from this one line.......

I control myself and therefore I have control over me.
Rebecca has played a part in this

Love
Rebecca xxx

[Loretta Ann]

Danielle,

Looks to me that someone has been doing a lot of thinking here, which is nice to see.

Has a mtf CD taken [control] from the [female] spouse by entertaining the concept of also being [female]?

If by this you mean that the female is not in control of me being able to enjoy sex, or being caressed, held etc. when the need arises, my answer is definitely that is a very valid point.

Controlling others, especially when it involves the one you love has no place within me, nor do I wish to be apart of it. I understand that for some that is the price they need to pay in order to maintain a marriage. A price I am unwilling to pay.

As for the deeper aspect of this question, I think that would be true for those where it totally replaces the need for a genetic female participant.

[Marda]

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[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

What a dangerous thread!!! I have something to say on this issue.

My wife has told me that watching me play guitar was like watching me make love to it. She is actually jealous of my guitars. She openly admits that my crossdressing made her feel inferior as a woman, and threatened her identity. She felt in marriage she was safe from competion, at least within the relm of the marriage. She could tolerate my love affair with my guitar because I told her up front I would never give it up, it was a part of me. Which of course is what I should have done with my crossdressing.

She said it was humiliating to know that she was beat out by a man dressed as woman. She says she can never forgive me.

As far as using sex as a weapon or means of getting ones way, of course women do this. Just as men use thier wealth, looks, and social status as a means of getting the woman to submit to them. We don't like to talk about this a lot, but there are beautiful women waiting in line to marry men of either great wealth, social standing or both. Just as there are men standing in lines to have sex with women for money. I think for men the money and power are only useful for having more choices of mate, but for some men it is easier to just give up the money directly for sex, and not have emotional attachments. Even infamous criminals have no trouble finding women who are attracted to the power of a man who rejected the laws of society, and marry them in jail.

Before I stopped working me and my wife made love basically every other night. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but basically that was our routine. After I was forced to quit work she did not have sex with me again for three weeks. It was 2 months until the next time, then 6 months until we did it again. At this point it was extremely unfulfilling and the last time was our anniversary back in December. It also was unsatifying and I regretted it.

Her claim is that the crossdressing suddenly became untolerable to her, and she was just turned off by me. It is interesting to note that for 15 years she has known about it, and was tolerant and even bought me things at different times. She says her feelings for me just changed. So just as sex is tied to how men feel love for women, apparantly for women, wealth and social standing can also be tied together with how women feel love.

Again, there are plenty of men who don't have sex with their wives, who still love them and stay with them, and there are plenty of women who stayed married to men who either did not achieve the wealth and social standing they should have, or they achieved it, and somehow lost it, but love them and stay with them just the same.

So? while sex can be a control issue, it is not always. And men are only controlled by sex if they desire to be.

That is one girls opinion.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Elizabeth.,
What you said, girl!!!
Deborah

[Danielle La Belle]

Well as everyone in this forum should know by now, I am the “evil twin”, the “devils advocate,” the one that likes to stir the pot, churn the cauldron, mix things up. Most importantly I did not propose this question with any “answer” in mind. I want to see what others think and how they compose their answers. I get a great education from this method as I hope others will too.

I for one look for answers between the answers. As usual, there is a great deal of information put forth so far. I would never have thought of the “guitar” or the “motorcycle” equation on my own as I do not have nor play with either.

Mention was made about some individuals living together with spiritual love rather than the physical element to bind them together. I think that happens more often as people get on in years than is reported. An "old shoe" is often more comfortable that a new one.

Since animals perform the same function for perpetuating the species, without the self interest that humans are capable of, then it is plain to see that we as humans complicate a rather purely physical necessity with our brand of social interaction and self-recognition.
Meaning, as humans, we can actually sense a form of enjoyment from the act unlike the animal kingdom. We are aware of the reflection in the mirror!

I see that “objects” can be used as tools of control. That perception about one’s wealth or social position can be a tool of control. But these are external to what we are born with. Sex or the act is part and participle of a recognized necessary function for the perpetuation of the species.

I am curious to see if anyone else has any ideas about “sex, sexuality,” pertaining to how it may have an aspect of control on one’s life, especially in marriage.

Last, I agree with the idea that we are not in control. We just act, react, etc to our surroundings. “For every action there is a reaction.” Control perhaps is only a myth, a sense of empowerment that is but a wisp of smoke. Easily overridden by any number of events on any given day of our existence.



Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Julie M.]

Dangerous? Taboo? Why should we be afraid to exchange ideas? Why should a subject like this be dangerous or taboo? There's only one reason, there are those who will be easily offneded by this. Usually those people are the ones who are guilty of acting this out for their sole benefit but refuse to admit they do. (Not pointing any fingers here!)

Sex as a control - I think any guy going through puberty has experienced giving control to a girl in hopes of having sex. I doubt many girls in this situation were unaware they had the control over this or that boy. So it goes to reason if we knew it in our teenage years we must certainly know it now.

I think the key word here is allow. We allow control to be surrendered in hopes of getting something we want. Sex isn't the only arena this exists in. And it goes both ways, women giving in to men and men giving into women. If done properly it should result in a rather healthy relationship. No one wants to be controlled all the time and no one wants to be in control all the time (well at least most don't).

So what this boils down to is the individuals in a relationship. A healthy one should see a give and take where both partners enjoy the power of control and the pleasure of letting someone else make the decisions. If it goes too much one way or the other, that's when problems start up.

So we don't need to be afraid of this or any subject unless we find ourselves guilty of taking advantage of it for our own personal gains or we are in a relationship with someone who does, and who refuses to admit it.

Julie

[Rebecca]

Hi Julie,

When I said taboo, it wasn't out of fear, it was solely for the benefit of not wanting to hurt my partners feelings. She has not had an easy life, and as I am very involved with her, anything I said would have had a lot of reference to her. She just doesn't want her sex life discussed that openly, that's all. Above all, she wants me to respect her, and discussing sexual politics about her would not do her well-being any good.
Me... I'm game, but that doesn't mean I can divulge information freely about her
What I did say was enough, that I control myself and therefore I am in control of me. Pretty self explanitory, it's not the end result, I regained my control over me, and also my self-respect. That was my problem. It's another step forward on the journey

I have done pretty good in my relationship with ~D~ for both her and myself. I'm not about to spoil it now

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

[Danielle La Belle]

Rebecca has brought up something that I want to point out.

She has not had an easy life, and as I am very involved with her

My Spouse also has not had an easy life (35 yrs married). Of course we are not going to try to define easy and hard in this thread. It varies without question our perception of that definition. What I am aiming at here is that I have observed many TG people saying the same thing.

So....are TG people prone to be attached to those that seem to "not have an easy life?" Many times people will tell me that the spouse is over her ideal weight. That she may also suffer from type II diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. The triple threat affecting many "baby boomers" these days is considered an epidemic.

Of course we would need to define "over her ideal weight" but that is not that difficult to do with the information available these days. Besides, one can pretty much tell if that is the case by observation.

So... are TG people prone to be drawn to individuals that are in this category? Even if in the beginning, things are all equal, did your SO progressively fit into this category over time?

Yes girls, it is related to the title in this thread. It is very related for some, less for others.



Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Rebecca]

Hi Danielle,

Interesting point, that. Yes, ~D~ is in the category you speak of. When I met her, I was in a nightclub (in the pits of depression) unable to comunicate properly to anyone, even though I was with a group of people. Anyway, she came over saying I seemed a little sad, and we got talking. We talked every saturday night for quite a while before we got together, by which time I really liked her. Whether she was tall' short' large, thin, whatever, was totally unimportant.
When we met, she had low self-esteem for various reasons and I looked after her as much as she did me. So, maybe we saw similarities between us, as years go by, we grow together.
~D~ has just popped in and wants to say that we have an amazing understanding of each others needs.

So, maybe there is something in your theory

Love
Rebecca xxx

[Joanna]

She openly admits that my crossdressing made her feel inferior as a woman, and threatened her identity. She felt in marriage she was safe from competion, at least within the relm of the marriage.

She said it was humiliating to know that she was beat out by a man dressed as woman. She says she can never forgive me.

Elizabeth,

Same here..... no pun intended, well... yes there is...... but you touched a major chord here.....

When my wife first discovered my crossdressing (I was one of the when-I-get-married-this-will-go-away girls), this was the major issues in us keeping our relationship going. It took years to get over this and caused alot of sexual dysfunction in our relationship..... not that any thing was done maliciously (ala using sex as a weapon)....