I don’t know what to do?

[SophieLawson]

Hiya,

I really don’t know what to do, and I’m hoping you can give me some advice and maybe some answers really.

My mum is one of only 3 people in the whole world who I can talk to about anything, but my mum is the only person who I can speak to on the phone and have nothing to say but end up talking about nothing for ages and ages.

I speak to her on the phone every single day and we just talk about everyday things, and she always sounds as if she wants to listen to whatever I have to say. Now the thing is, I’m getting this burning need to tell her that I cross dress.

I only ever see her about once every 2 months or so because she lives on the other side of town, but I’m going over to see her on Monday. If I tell her I’m not telling her over the phone I will only ever tell her face to face and I’m thinking maybe this is the right time, as long as her boyfriend is out.

But I’m scared, I don’t want our relationship to change, but it obviously will but I don’t want to tell her and then feel really uncomfortable every time I speak to her on the phone.

I’m also scared that maybe I have misjudged how she will take it; I'm sure she will be fine and maybe even really like the idea. Growing up I can always remember she would go through the Television magazine and any programs about cross dressers, transvestites etc she would ring them off and say I’m gonna watch that later and I would normally end up watching them with her.

There was one time when my sister caught me in her bedroom dressing up and I’m certain she would have told my mum, so I wonder sometimes if my mum and sister both know or think I dress up but are just waiting for me to say it?

Thing is, my mum has made mistakes over the years as we all do, and sadly my mum and sister haven’t spoken to each other for about 5 years now. I’m like a piggy in the middle at times lol but I love my mum and anything she has done to me over the years, like putting boyfriends first, I have 100% forgiven her for while everyone said why do you forgive her all the time.

My biggest question that I really can't answer is why do I even need to tell my mum? What difference will it make if I tell my mum? Why does she need to know? Why do I want her to know? How do you even know when the right time to tell someone is?

I think if I told my mum she would go shopping in town with me, but the thing is I want to tell my mum but I don’t want to dress up in front of her. I would feel too embarrassed, but she could give me makeup tips and stuff.

I’m sorry that this is a long post, and you’ve probably all fallen asleep lol I just keep thinking about a saying I heard which was something like “It’s better to regret having done something then to regreat having not done something”

Sophie xx

[Elizabeth]

Sophie,

I have had to deal with these issues recently. I can only say that there is really no way to know how someone will react. It sounds to me like you have already made your decision.

I can tell you that while I have had positive and negative experiences about coming out of the closet, I feel much better not having a secret anymore. It sounds to me like you hate feeling like you are being insincere to your mom by having such a big secret from her.

Just remember that there is also a chance that she does not want to know, and be prepared to deal with it.

I hope that helps, but in the end, only you know what is going to be right for you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[SophieLawson]

Thanks Elizabeth, I never thought that maybe she doesn't want to know Scary isn't it...

My mum made me so I'm telling her one day so why not now?

Arghhhhhh, it's horrible cos when I'm on the phone to her and she goes, what have you done today? In my head I think about dresing up and one of these days I'm gonna say it out loud lol

I'm gonna have a long long think about it all weekend, but it's been on my mind for ages now.

Sophie xx

[Marda]

Hi Sophie

Elizabeth makes an excellent point which rings very true in my family

My humble suggestion is to "work on yourself" more before you make that move

This is one (1) *GENIE* that will *NOT* go *Back In The Bottle*.

Look at it this way ... if you are *Asking Us Here Now*, then neither are You Ready Nor Is This The Time

Wrestle that little demon down ... do cold showers or long walks in the rain when you get that urge ... talk to us

Your *Mother's Heart* is involved here as well as your own ... *Her* Demons will haunt her everytime she meets someone in public, maybe even as she tries to sleep ... the WOM is *All She Knows*

*Caution* ... ONLY MY Humble Opinion

Ladies All ??? What Say You ???

Love / Marda

[Virginia]

Sophie, honey, that is a tough one. Several points on the upside, if you can talk to your mother as often as you do for a long time, then evidently you have a strong relationship. If you decide to do this you may want to start with a couple of questions, like "what if you had another daughter?" or (of course if you decide to tell her do NOT go dressed!) Now remember I have seen your pictures and you are beautiful. Ask her to take a good look at you and tell her you seem to have inherited her perchance for beauty and you are very thankful for that. If she seems agreeable, you may want to show her a picture or two and ask what she thinks of "this girl?" As a mother she will probably recognize her son - but maybe not! At that point as my sister has pointed out - "the genie is out of the bottle." On the down side there is always the fallback position on "need to know." I have been dealing with that one as my training partner who has never married and is a 41 year old successful attorney, she does not know and we have been training together for 12 years and I have yet to tell her. My problem! sorry 'bout that.
Anyway, PLEASE keep us posted on what you decide and if you tell her we need details of what was said and how it went.
Good luck and we are behind yoiu which ever road you choose!
Love,
Deborah

[SophieLawson]

Thanks for the advice Marda and Deborah, I might drop a few hints lol see what she says, but she does things like that with me anyways, last time I was round there she was going, do you like my new shoes? They were high heels, she always wears heels, and like lil strappy ones. She was making me jealous lol

Anyways... I'm going over there on Monday and if it feels right I will tell her, but I will take all your advice and not rush in. One of my biggest fears is when my mums older and not as active telling her and she go, OH WHY didn't you tell me this years ago or maybe never telling her and losing her and then wishing I had told her and never being able to.

Sigh, thanks anyways I will let you know what happens either way

Sophie xx

[Rebecca]

Hi Sophie,

I was in the same position as you yesterday, I was at my parents house and it would have been the most natural thing in the world to have said .. " I'm learning a lot on the forum "...... er... "what forum ?"

So last night it got me thinking about what if I ever did want to say something, after all it's pretty natural to want to share something so important with parents.

I was stuck for ideas, then it hit me (ouch), I'm pretty sure that they knew about me playing with my mam's clothes when I was young.
So a lead in question, to test the water and drop an ever so subtle hint would be to get talking about when I was young and then say "didn't I used to dress in mom's clothes" and guage the reaction.

I don't know how this would turn out, but it is an idea worth considering

I hope this resolves well for you, please keep us posted as to your progress whether you go for it or not

Love
Rebecca xxx

[SophieLawson]

Hiya,

I've thought about it and I think I'm gonna do what Rebecca said, bring up something from when I was younger. I was thinking and I've got a pretty good way of being safe to see how my mum would react.

Growing up whenever it was Fancy Dress like at Christmas or New Years whatever my mum would help dress my Dad up as a women, he has pictures somewhere I remember seeing em and I remember seeing him get into the car dressed up once lol

Anyways, I'm gonna say to my mum, hey mum you remember when you and dad was together at like christmas and stuff, he used to dress up as a women didn't he. See what she says and ask her if she liked it or not, if she says something like "Ow I hated it" then I'll leave it there and just say, yeah I dunno what made me think about that lol but if she says something like "yeah I enjoyed it actually" or something nice like then I'll go ahead and see what happens...

Thanks everyone, made me think about how to bring the subject up co0s I think I would have just came out with it lol This way it's safer *hugs* Thanks

Sophie xx

[Beauty]

Morning Sophie,

I told my mom several years back. It wasn't easy. I said it in my head, what felt like a billion times, before I finally told her.

Her reaction was silence, but I showed her magazines like Girl Talk and stayed with her as she sorted things out in her mind. In the same conversation she told me she'd love me no matter what was wrong with me and to never keep anything from her.

Now a few years later my mom is watching things about TG'd people and beginning to understand me more. I have to tell you it was so freakin' scary to tell her, but now I wish I had told her sooner.

She watched a show on Oprah about TG'd folks and she called me and apologized that I went through all the things she heard about in my childhood. She said that I must have been so unhappy and she never knew. I told her I was fine, but it did help to hear her really know that it was tough being a TG'd child.

Good luck Sophie on whatever you decide! We'll be here with you!

Beauty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Sophie,

I actually just did come out and tell her straight. Of course, I did this because I know her well enough to have some idea of what her reaction would be. I know that she's very (sometimes, too) open-minded, very loving toward us, and, above all, throughout our entire lives, her attitude has always been, "I don't care what you do in your life as long as it brings you happiness and fulfillment." Given this mindset of hers, it kind of was a no-brainer for me to just one day tell her that this is who I am and this is what I do. From day one, she's always been supportive and even enjoys this "daughter" aspect of her son (she goes around showing pix of Christina to her friends--she's very proud of me; it's a good feeling).

So, my suggestion is this: if you know your mum well enough to predict a positive outcome to your telling her this, then tell her. This, above all else, is very important, I think: avoid putting yourself in a position where you'll regret never telling her and losing her and then wishing [you] had told her and never being able to. We all get only one chance at being who we truly are with those who love us and whom we love--especially if that person is the one who sacrificed much so that she could bring you--a new life--into the world.

Good luck, Sophie. Only you can weigh others' need to know against your own need to live.

Love,
CJ

[SophieLawson]

I know that she's very (sometimes, too) open-minded, very loving toward us, and, above all, throughout our entire lives, her attitude has always been, "I don't care what you do in your life as long as it brings you happiness and fulfillment." Given this mindset of hers, it kind of was a no-brainer for me to just one day tell her that this is who I am and this is what I do.

Funnily enough that sounds just like my mum.

I'm getting nervous already, but I'm gonna tell her. If her boyfriend is there I'll walk up the shop with her and tell her.

I have to tell you it was so freakin' scary to tell her, but now I wish I had told her sooner.

Yeah I’ll be outside her front door psyching myself up lol Lots of deep breathing.

Thank you Thank you Thank you everyone for the advice! *hugs*

Sophie xx

[Gelinda]

Sophie:

All I can tell you if to do what your heart tells you. I have not told my mother, I have wanted too but my father is still alive and mom always tells Dad most things and I do not want the fall out of my father. Dad is an ex drill sargeant and would not understand

I will tell my mother one day but it will be after my father has passed on to the next world. I do not want mom keeping secrets from him if she would.

I truly believe in doing what feels right in any given situation. So I say go with your deepest feelings. Gee.

[Pauline]

Hia Sophie

This is a subject that we all can relate with...Telling anyone is hard and telling your nearset and dearest is always the hardest unless you have a really close relationship with them for which you can get a v good idea of what type of reaction you are going to get... i know i amongst many of our sisters have been there or are going to be.. There is never a "right time" to tell someone, as its all down to how close you are and if you feel that you and they are close enough to tell them.. thats what i feel.

when i read this part:

"Growing up I can always remember she would go through the Television magazine and any programs about cross dressers, transvestites etc she would ring them off and say I’m gonna watch that later and I would normally end up watching them with her."

This gave me the incling that she already knows and has done since childhood. Q) what was her reaction to the programs and what was if any the disscussions about the subject? i.e was it laughed at or taken seriously and was their any disscussions on what matched what outfit ect....this will give you a big indication (i knew i had the wrong mother..lol)

With your sister catching you... yes mostlikly she would have told your mum but as their has been no disscussion on it i would say your mum prob said something like "its just a phase" or "he's just playing dress-up" as we all have done when we were children as would b seen as "the norm" for children.

All i can say really is be prepaird for a shock or two... good or bad but i have a v good feeling it will b good..

Best wishes

Pauline

[SophieLawson]

This gave me the incling that she already knows and has done since childhood. Q) what was her reaction to the programs and what was if any the disscussions about the subject?

Thanks for the advice Pauline,

From what I can remember she used to just watch the programs and be fascinated by how a man could look so much like a women. I obviously understand she might enjoy seeing men on tele dressed up as women but her own son is a different story.

But I am telling her, I can feel it, 30hrs time I will tell her. I've decided I'm just gonna just tell her, I'm gonna start off saying I love her, I've got a secret to tell you and that I hope you aren't too upset with me and then tell her I dont know why but since about the age of 5 I've been dressing up in girls clothes and as a girl. I'll tell her I am not gay, I totally love girls and I hope one day to get married and have a family etc but that I need to tell you.

If she takes it well I'll ask if she wants to see a picture, but I'm not sure if I want her to see Sophie yet but I'll see how I feel. If she is really cool with it then I'm gonna ask her how she would feel about going shopping for clothes maybe later in the week or whatever.

But I'm also gonna tell her that I will always be her son.

*Gulp* I'm slightly nervous, but actually I'm not scared at all, I just want it to be tomorrow already so I can get it over and done with.

Thanks once again everyone, even if it's a bad result I will be happy that I was brave enough to tell my Mum.

Sophie xx

[CJ]

Nervous is okay. Good luck, Sophie!

Love,
CJ