Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Y'all,

I want to tell my SO about this site and I am sure she would oblige, but I was wondering if it might inhibit me from well, being as open as I would normally be without her logging on. Does anyone else have any ideas on this matter? Has anyone felt inhibited by their SO looking around? Do many keep it to themselves?

The only thing that might bother her or shock her is just how many others feel the same way I do on many matters. It shocked me!

Chantelle

Chantelle,
Fear is what keeps us hiding from our SO's what we really feel inside our hearts. Sometimes a risk is necessary to help our SO's in understanding who we are and what we wish to acheive from our CDing. If an acheivement is at all on our agenda.

Have no fear unless you have something to hide. In my experience, to tell the truth means never having to remember a lie. Talk about the fact that you open up on the forum about things you would not generally discuss with her, and let her make the decision for herself. She will either continue to visit the site for her own benefit or just not visit again. Give her the benefit of the doubt and allow her to make her own judgement, otherwise you are just stifling any chance you have of growing together by doubting her intelligence.

We should not and cannot imprison ourselves with worry, should the chance of freedom be offered by sharing with our partner's.

These are just my thoughts, and not a personal shot at you. All the best.

Chantelle,

I would be curious if she would be coming here because you want her to, or because she wants to?

I have encouraged my wife to come here because I think that seeing what other crossdressers, wives, and sigifiicant others will take the fear out of all of this.

She has said in a threatening way that she would come here and tell her side of the story and everyone would not think I so nice. I have encouraged her to do just that, as I know many would benifit from such an exchange.

Does it inhibit me from saying what I need to say here? No, because I also have tried to talk about all these issues with her before. To me, if she were to read my words here, it would be better than her hearing them in person, because she would have to at least be interested, to read it, which of course I doubt when we have talked in person. Usually I feel she is just waiting for me to shut up, so she can say what she wants to say.

Having said all of that, I am in the process of divorce, so I don't really have much to lose by what she thinks or says about me. But there was a time when she had no clue about my true feelings, and I would not have wanted her to be able to read these things about me, which would have kept me from being honest. And if I am not going to be honest here, I do no one any good, particularly myself.

You most likely know your wife and your relationship with her better than anyone, and also know how much of your true feelings she really knows. Only you can make the decision of how to handle this.

I can only say, whatever action you take, if it prevents you from being able to discuss the things you need to discuss, it will help neither of you. But that is just my opinion, I am really in no position to offer advice, just opinion.

I hope there is something that you can use.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi ... uhhh ... Chantelle
This may sound a teeney bit weird ... but ... uhhh ...
Why not ... uhhh ... put yourself in her shoes ...
and ... uhhh ... ask yourself the question

Love / Marda

Chantelle,

You have raised an interesting question here. I don't think there is a universal right or wrong.

I do believe it is important that one have a place where they can be honest about themselves. So I suggest that if by her joining us you could not do that, there might be some value to finding another resource, that would enable you to continue being honest.

And by saying that I not suggesting you leave this place. What I am saying is that there may be some wisdom in not having all of your eggs in one basket.

Chantelle, your a sweet girl, I just wish I could say something that would help, It's like your drowning and all I could do is watch because I can't swim. I have no SO, I can not know what it feels like or what advise to give. But reading the other girls posts, they have some experience in the situation and good opinions. You have to decide what is right or wrong, for you. I just feel bad that I can't add to what the others have said.


Forever Sisters

Love Amelie

Hi all,

Well, I can't really add anything either (although, just watch me: I probably will! ). The pros and the cons have both been well covered here, Chantelle.

I do know there are a few helpful CDSO sites out there with an exclusively GG membership. Maybe such a site could turn out to be helpful to your SO. I'm just not sure how helpful it would be to you, though.

My own take is this: the very reason for this forum's existence is, first and foremost, to allow both ourselves as well as our SOs to air out and explore together what's in our heart of hearts regarding, principally, the subject of crossdressing. Having hid our souls for most of our lives, we CDs have a natural tendency to hesitate revealing who we truly are, even to those we love and care about most.

It may be that not having your SO join you here can allow you to express yourself more freely. But it'll be an unsatisfactory freedom, at least until that time when you truly feel you can be yourself with that person who vowed to stand by your side come what may.

In the end, and as others have said, it's a personal decision; no one can stand in your heels on this one. You're much more aware of all the factors surrounding your situation than we are. Still, I think the decision not to communicate can lead down a dark road. Just make sure you're willing to go there.

Love,
CJ

Hello Chantelle,

I'd suggest if the only concern you have is with your wife being shocked at the number of us then that should not be of any great concern, but if you feel by her reading what you say, it may inhibit you from being open, then maybe you need to put some more thought into your decision. I read into what you say about being open as suggesting that you're not totally 100% open in what you convey to her about your feelings, needs etc?

Maybe you might like to direct her to this site, it's written by women for women, she may find it of some interest and may open her mind up somewhat to the situation.

http://www.ladylike.org.uk/index.html

I wish you both all the best.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

I totally agree with you CJ


Hi Chantelle,

I myself am a wife of a CD, I would have to say, that one of the biggest problems my husband and I now face with all of this is trust which I believe to be the foundation for a healthy relationship.

I feel that without "mutual" open and honest communication, there can be no trust, which makes for a very unhealthy relationship, and will only slowly destroy your marriage in the long run.

My husband has read whatever posts I have made on this forum that he chooses to read (as I have nothing to hide ) I find it sometimes easier for me to write my feelings and thoughts here and have him read, instead of being interrupted by him when we try to talk about some "touchy" subjects

My husband has not been very open and honest with me for many years (on many different things , in addition to his CDing) I just wished that I felt he was finally being open and honest about what and how he feels, instead of continuing the secretiveness.

Marriage is not one sided, if you are not totally honest with your spouse, you shouldn't expect your spouse to be totally honest with you.

These are just my feelings on this subject, and as CJ said, "it's a personal decision", which no-one can make, but you......

Good luck

What Love Said!!!!!
Virginia

Love,

I could not agree more. I did not tell my wife I was a crossdresser before i married her. The reasons/excuses why I did not are not important. This information was so important that it tainted our entire marriage.

I also promised on several occasions not to dress, but ended up feeling resentful and eventually started dressing behind her back. These lies by omission are still lies, and in my opinion permanantly and irretrievably ruined the trust in our marriage, and subsequently caused it's demise.

I am sure I could tell you all the bad things she has done to justify my positions, but there is no denying that those things may have never had happened, had I not broke the trust to begin with.

I would recommend that any person who has a chance to come clean and still have the support of thier SO realize that it is thier job to rebuild the trust not thier SO. Thier SO did not choose to be lied to, and even if they can forgive, they can not forget the lie, and hence no matter what agreements are made, trust still has to be rebuilt.

This can only happen through a track record of being trustworthy, and that just takes time.

My inabilty to recognize that I was not going to be able to quit dressing led me to lying to myself, and subsequently my wife.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi all.

Well I feel I need to jump back in here, While total 100% honesty might be the ideal for some, it is impossible for one who is struggling with it to suddenly become honest. Changes just don't happen that suddenly. So one needs to find healthy ways of dealing with that.

Personally !00% honesty is not one of my goals. As I have said before you can damage another person severely, with honesty and feel quite justified by doing that. As I often like to point out there are extremes in everything, and 100% blanket honesty is an extreme in my opinion. And those who are less secure may have a need to insist on that, from there partner.

I acknowledge that security is a huge issue. but the only way for one to get that security from another human being is to find the perfect person, and it is impossible for that kind of a person to exist in an imperfect world. And that folks just happens to be reality.

I still stand behind my original post here, "Honesty is the best policy"

1 lie only leads to another and then another to cover up the first 2,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,
and so on,

Love,

I have said it in another post, but I am going to have to agree with Darlene here. 100% homesty is not possible nor practcal, and leads to unecessary hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I stand by my original beleift.

Honesty is the best policy, usually.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hey Love,

Guess what? You are right, one lie leads to another and so on, but so does one wrong lead to another wrong and so on and so on. Just as ones insistence that it should not be that way leads to another wrong, and so on and so on.

Having society say that this is not the ideal, that we should not be cross-dressers, what dose that do for us? Or where does it get cross-dressers by insisting that we should not have to be this way?

We could easily say we have been handed a rotten package that causes us much grief in life, and that isn't right, and it leads to another wrong and so on and so on.

Who do we hold accountable for that?

Yes these ideals are the best policy but in the real world these ideals are fantasies that have a hidden cost. because we can not attain them. Twenty years ago I did not know that I would always be a cross-dresser so how could you expect me to be honest about it?

I do like to live as close as I can to the ideals, but with the understanding that I will never be able to fully attain them.

Due to the harsh reality that we will always live in a corrupt world, we need to discover other ways of surviving, other ways of dealing with those things we hold as the best policies, that are ideals, but also are unattainable.

The insistence by any one that others should live up to these standards that are ideals is wrong and is an abusive action, and I do not accept the gilt that this is meant to imply.