An experience from the "other" side of gender conf

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Fri Aug 20, 2004 10:55 pm

A few months ago, I took an examination to obtain a license, and one of the proctors was a pleasant woman in her late 50s. She was heavy-set, but her eyeglasses were very feminine, and her voice was feminine, and her demeanor was supportive. Her name was one of those non-specific names like "Pat", so I will call her "Pat" here.

Two weeks ago, she came to a club meeting of those of us who had obtained this license, and asked to speak to the group. Part of her introductory remarks were to introduce us to her wife. "Her WIFE?" I thought to myself... Well, perhaps she is lesbian - this is none of my business - Remember to be tolerant of lifestyles we do not understand.

I noticed she was wearing a wedding band, and a man's watch. I noticed there was no visible hair on her face, neck, or arms. She was wearing jeans and a golf shirt, and athletic shoes. I paid more careful attention to her mannerisms and her voice now. Still, I decided there was no reason to change my mind. She was definitely genetically a woman. I was 100% comfortable with this notion.

Later that week, away from that meeting, I was talking with another member, who I will call "Bill", who has been a member a lot longer than I have, and has known Pat for several years. I don't remember now how the subject came up, but I mentioned Pat in a way that communicated my beliefs about Pat's gender. Anyway, Bill laughed a bit, and then straightened me out. He said that indeed, Pat is straight heterosexual, and definitely male, though I am by far not the first person to have made that mistake.

I'm not upset with Pat for being a male, nor dissapointed that he is not female. As far as I am concerned, Pat is free to express any gender he or she desires. It doesn't affect me personally - except that I was surprised. Fortunately, Pat doesn't seem to have trouble in this area - apparently most people don't confront him about it. That is good.

So here I am - a little embarrased - a little confused - wondering what I should have learned from this experience.

I think I was probably guilty of something I should not have thought - perhaps paying too much attention to gender. Perhaps Pat is a closet crossdresser? None of my business - and shame on me for wondering?

Then again - maybe my reaction was entirely normal - I saw what I wanted to see - and it did not bother me. I'm not normally the kind of person who wants to be politically correct. But then, transgender issues are of course very near and dear to my heart.

Perhaps I should take away from this the realization that gender is as much in the eye of the beholder as it is in the heart of a person. Perhaps Kansas is not so barbaric as I originally believed?

Hugs,

Bernice

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 1:38 am

Hi Bernice

I think your reaction was entirely normal. I would have probably thought the same as you, but maybe I am am not normal what ever that is. However your reaction is understandable.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 7:43 am

Bernice
BINGO!!!!!! You kind of answered your own question! You saw what you wanted to see!! As we have been told on numerous occasions, we as humans, tend to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.
If we present ourselves as female, walk, jesture, smile and show confidence, then the general public will see a female (except that herd of teenage girls).
I doubt that Kansas is as barbaric as you might imagine. Get dressed, go out and smile, girl! A new day is dawining!
Love ya,
Virginia

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Aug 21, 2004 8:59 am

Hi Bernice,

I have nothing to add to what my sisters have said, other than that I totally agree with thier comments, and wish to tell you not to be disappointed in yourself. Your response if probably no different than it would be for any of us.

Love always,
Elizabeth

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Aug 22, 2004 8:39 am

Hi all,

Ditto for me, about your reactions, Bernice.

Entirely normal.

You've touched on something interesting here. When we look within, we see that gender is in the heart. When we look upon others--when we, ourselves, become beholders--we see gender as something that's in our own eye, so to speak.

The question always is: how can we see into the heart of another? How, indeed?

Love,
CJ